Little rays of moonshine

BOOKS BY A. P. HERBERT
THE BOMBER GIPSY THE SECRET BATTLE THE HOUSE-BY-THE-RIVER LITTLE RAYS OF MOONSHINE
New York: Alfred A. Knopf
Little Rays of Moonshine
A. P. Herbert
New York Alfred · A. · Knopf 1921
Copyright, 1921, by ALFRED A. KNOPF, INC.
PRINTED IN THE UNITED STATES OF AMERICA
DEDICATED WITH RESPECT
LESLIE SCOTT, K.C., M.P.
Most of these pieces have appeared in the pages of Punch , and I have to thank the Proprietors of that paper for their courtesy in permitting me to republish. “The Book of Jonah” appeared in The London Mercury , “The Supreme Court” in The Outlook , “The Art of Drawing” and “Reading Without Tears” in Land and Water , which perished a few weeks later. I thank them all. A.P.H.
I HAVE invented a new telephone game. It is a thoroughly discreditable, anti-social game, and I am not proud of it, but it has been forced upon me by circumstances. It is now clear that my telephone number is the only one the operators know, and my game follows the lines of all the best modern movements, the principle of which is that, if you cannot hit the man you are annoyed with, you hit somebody else instead. Nowadays, when some perfect stranger is introduced to me in error on the telephone, I no longer murmur, “Wrong number, I’m afraid,” in my usual accents of sweet sympathy, cool resignation, irritation, hatred or black despair; I pretend that it is the right number. I lead my fellow-victim on into a morass of mystification; I worm out his precious secrets; I waste his precious time. If you can square your conscience you will find it is a glorious game, though I ought to add that considerable skill is required. It is best, perhaps, to make a general rule of answering the call in the first instance in a high feminine voice, as much like a housemaid, or a charwoman, or a Government typist as possible; then you are prepared for any development.