Baled Hay: A Drier Book than Walt Whitman's "Leaves o' Grass"
CONTENTS
Who has courteously and heroically laughed at my feeble and emaciated jokes, even when she did not feel like it; who has again and again started up and agitated successfully the flagging and reluctant applause, who has courageously held my coat through this trying ordeal, and who, even now, as I write this, is in the front yard warning people to keep off the premises until I have another lucid interval,
This Volume is Affectionately Inscribed,
There can really be no excuse for this last book of trite and beautiful sayings. I do not attempt, in any way, to palliate this great wrong. I would not do so even if I had an idea what palliate meant.
It will, however, add one more to the series of books for which I am to blame, and the pleasure of travel will be very much enhanced, for me, at least.
There is one friend I always meet on the trains when I travel. He is the news agent. He comes to me with my own books in his arms, and tells me over and over again of their merits. He means it, too. What object could he have in coming to me, not knowing who I am, and telling me of their great worth? Why would he talk that way to me if he did not really feel it?
That is one reason I travel so much. When 1 get gloomy and heartsick, I like to get on a train and be assured once more, by a total stranger, that my books have never been successfully imitated.
Some authors like to have a tall man, with a glazed grip-sack, and whose breath is stronger than his intellect, selling their works; but I do not prefer that way.
Bill Nye
BALED HAY
Illustrated by F. Opper, of "Puck"
1884
DEDICATION.
TO MY WIFE:
BALED HAY
A NOVEL NOVELETTE
GREELEY AID RUM.
ABOUT SAW MILLS.
River Falls, Wis., May 80.
EXPERIMENTS WITH OLD CHEESE.
THE RAG-CARPET.
A TRYING SITUATION.
ONE KIND OF A BOY.
THE CHAMPION MEAN MAN.
FRATERNAL SPARRING.
CHIPETA'S ADDRESS TO THE UTES.
BILL NYE'S CAT.
(BY PERMISSION.)
AUTUMN THOUGHTS.
THE MAN WHO INTERRUPTS.
THE ROCKY MOUKTAIN COW.
PRESERVING EGGS.
HUMAN' NATURE ON THE HALF-SHELL.
A FRIGID ROUTE.
TOO CONTIGUOUS.
THE AMENDE HONORABLE.
JOAQUIN AND JUNIATA.
SOME VAGUE THOUGHTS.
THE YOUMORIST.
MY CABINET.
HEALTH FOOD.
A NEW POET.
A WORD IN SELF-DEFENSE.
PINES FOE HIS OLD HOME
ONE TOUCH OF NATURE.
HOW TO PUT UP A STOVE-PIPE.
FUN OF BEING A PUBLISHER.
LINGERIE.
FRUIT.
THE BONE OF CONTENTION.
CONGRATULATORY.
THE AGONY IS OVER.
OSTRICH CAVALRY.
AN ELECTRIC BELT.
THE ANNUAL WAIL
HE WAS NOT A BURGLAR.
BEST ON, BLESSED MEMORY.
A JUDICIAL WARBLER
A FIRE AT A BALL.
A LITTLE PUFF.
GENIUS AND WHISKY.
THE TWO-HEADED GIRL
THE CULTIVATION OF GUM.
WE HAVE REASONED IT OUT.
CARVING SCHOOLS.
DIGNITY.
A SNORT OF AGONY.
ALWAYS BOOM AT THE TOP.
INACCURATE.
THE WESTERN "CHAP."
AN INCIDENT OF THE CAMPAIGN.
WHY DO THEY DO IT?
TWO STYLES.
GOSHALLHEMLOCK SALVE.
THE STAGE BALD-HEAD.
FATHERLY WORDS.
THE GOOD TIME COMING.
MANIA FOR MARKING CLOTHES.
REGARDING THE NOSE.
SOMETHING TOO MUCH OF THIS.
COLOR BLINDNESS.
A LITTLE PREVIOUS.
IS DUELING MURDER?
HEAP GONE.
THE EDITORIAL LAMP.
DIFFICULT TO IDENTIFY.
THE MAROON SAUSAGE.
TESTIMONIALS OF REGARD.
THE CHINESE COMPOSITOR
SNOWED UNDER
ROUGH ON OSCAR.
THE POSTAL CARD.
A CARD.
WHY WE ARE NOT GAY.
SCIENTIFIC.
THE REVELATION RACKET IN UTAH.
SAGE BRUSH TONIC.
LAME FROM HIS BERTH.
THE PUBLIC PRINTER.
A REPRODUCTIVE COMET.
A LITTLE VAGUE.
SAD DESTRUCTION.
THE IMMEDIATE REVOLTER
THE SECRET OF HEALTH.
HOUSEHOLD RECIPES.
WHAT IS LITERATURE?
THE PREVIOUS HOTEL.
ANECDOTE OF SPOTTED TAIL.
THE ZEALOUS VOTER.
HOW TO PRESERVE TEETH
MR. BEECHER'S BRAIN.
OH, NO!
THE MARCH OF CIVILIZATION.
AN UNCLOUDED WELCOME.
THE PILLOW-SHAM HOLDER.
SOMETHING FRESH.
A BAKEFOOTED GODDESS.
YANKED TO ETERNITY.
******
WHY WE SHED THE SCALDING.
ANOTHER SUGGESTION.
PISCATORIAL AND EDITORIAL
ANOTHER FEATHERED SONGSTER
ABOUT THE OSTRICH
TOO MUCH GOD AND NO FLOUR.
WE ARE GETTING CYNICAL
ASK US SOMETHING DIFFICULT.
A MINING EXPERIMENT
A NEW INDUSTRY.
THE MIMIC STAGE.
DECLINE OF AMERICAN HUMOR
CHICAGO CUSTOM HOUSE
FOREIGN OPINION
THEY HAVE CURBED THEIR WOE.
HUNG BY REQUEST.
A COLORED GREEK SLATE.
THE MELVILLES.
MENDING BROKEN NECKS.
ARE YOU A MORMON?
CAUTION.
A BLOW TO THE GOVERNMENT
POISONS AND THEIR ANECDOTES.
CORRESPONDENCE.
Cheyenne, September 6, 1882.
WHAT THE DEMOCRATIC PARTY NEEDS.
A LETTER FROM LEADVILLE.
TABLE MANNERS OF CHILDREN.
WHAT IT MEANT.
VOTERS IN UTAH.
INCONGRUITY
RIDING DOWN A MOUNTAIN.
CORRALED HIM.
FIRMNESS.
PUT IN A SUMP.
MINING AS A SCIENCE
DRAWBACKS OF ROYALTY.
ENGLISH HUMOR
ABOUT THE AUTOPSY.
A FEW CALM WORDS.
DON'T LIKE OUR STYLE.
MR. T. WILSON.
ETIQUETTE OF THE NAPKIN
AN INFERNAL MACHINE.
THE CODFISH.
HIS AGED MOTHER.
BUSINESS LETTERS.
DANGER OF GARDENING.
