Adventures and Recollections
Transcribed by Steven Wood from the Keighley Herald (1893).
told by himself.
“There is a history in all men’s lives, Figuring the nature of the times deceased.”
This son of Mischief, Art and Guile has stooped to many things but to conquer himself and be his own best friend; that is, according to the conception of the ordinary, respectable, get-on folk of the world. He has followed more or less the wild, shifting impulses of his nature—restless and reckless, if aimless and harmless; fickle and passionate, if rebelliously natural; exhausting his youth and manhood in fruitless action, and devoting the moments of reflection to the playful current of the muse’s fancy, forsooth, to the delectation of the more prosaic humanity in this his locality. A life of pleasure was ever his treasure, and he agrees, after experience of life’s fitful dream, that
E’en Pleasure acts a treacherous part, She charms the scene, but stings the heart, And while she gulls us of our wealth, Or that superior pearl, our health,
Yet she restores for all the pains, By giving Merit her exchange.
Though the poetic flame has flickered from time to time, it has never been extinguished. There is health and buoyancy still in his muse. It is the one thing essential, the one thing permanent in his nature—ever ready to impart the mystic jingle to pictures of fun and frolic, or perchance judgement and reflection. Thus, as the local Burns, he stands unrivalled. His poetic effusions speak for themselves, but there are other traits in his career which he wished to convey to the public, which might while away an occasional half-hour in the reading of his stories of the tricks of his boyhood, the adventures of his early manhood, and to learn how he became—well, what he is! He has been caught in divers moods and at sundry times, and his words have been taken in shorthand, the endeavour always being to keep the transcript as faithful as circumstances would allow. No pretence is here made to evolve a dramatic story, but rather to present Bill’s career simply and faithfully for public perusal; for to use Dr. Johnson’s words, “If a man is to write a panegyric, he can keep the vices out of sight; but if he professes to write a life he must represent it really as it was.”]
Bill o'th' Hoylus End
---
MY BIRTHPLACE, HOME AND PARENTAGE
A MUSICAL FATHER
A MISCHIEVOUS BOYHOOD
A FALSE ALARM
A REMOVAL
CHARACTER SKETCHES
THE POET’S “PRENTICE HAND”
CHAPTER II.
A ROMANTIC AND NOMADIC YOUTH
DIVERS PRANKS
THE INNOCENT SUFFER FOR THE GUILTY
BILL AND THE DONKEY
SCHOOL LIFE
SENT TO THE MILL
TAKING TO BURNS
TWIN COMPANIONS AT NIGHT SCHOOL
AMONG THE HAND WOOLCOMBERS
LEARNING TO BE AN ACROBAT
TRYING THE FIDDLE
THE “NIGGER” BUSINESS
A STROLLING, ROLLICKING PLAYER
TRICKING POLICEMAN LEACH
MILL LIFE AND POETRY
MAKING AND SAILING SHIPS
CHAPTER III
TO THE STAGE AGAIN
OH! FOR A SAILOR’S LIFE!
LONGING FOR HOME AGAIN
TRAMPING AND ADVENTURING
THE PRODIGAL RETURNS HOME
LOOKING FOR A TRADE
ADVENTURING WITH THE SHOWS
CHAPTER IV
PLAYING THE CLOWN AND EVADING THE IMPOSSIBLE
CLOWNS AT A DISCOUNT
SEEKING AND FINDING
FIRST IMPRESSIONS
SHANKS’ PONY
THE GREEN BAG
ENTERTAINING STRANGERS
THE BAG MYSTERY
AT WARP-DRESSING AGAIN
A MINISTERING ANGEL
CHAPTER V
“T’OTHER LODGER!”
AMONG THE IRISH
THE BARN DORMITORY—THE FIRE
MY ESCAPE FROM THE FIRE
HOW THE PEOPLE RECEIVED ME
A CHATTY, QUIZZY, KINDLY POLICEMAN
THE RESULT OF THE FIRE
CLOTHING THE NAKED
ON THE WAY TO BARNSLEY
A FRESH RIG-OUT
FROM THEATRE TO POLICE COURT
A MIDNIGHT ADVENTURE
RETURNING HOME
A RECOLLECTION OF KEAN, THE ACTOR
CHAPTER VI
MARIONETTES AT INGROW—AN AMUSING STORY
OUR HUMPTY-DUMPTY SITUATION
AT ADDINGHAM FEAST—A JOKE THAT TOOK
“NOT ONE LEFT TO TELL THE TALE”
THE WAR PIG AT HAWORTH—A LAUGHABLE STORY
THE EXHIBITION
THE COBBLER’S DISCOVERY
TIPPO-SAHIB—THE INDIAN CAT
AT HAWORTH AGAIN—FUNNY STORIES
THE BELLMAN’S SHAKESPEARE!
BILL PLAYS THE STREET MONKEY
A DENSELY-CROWDED HOUSE
THE VANISHING TRICK
THE AUDIENCE DISCOVER THE “SLOPE.”
CHAPTER VII
ABOUT OLD JOE FIRTH
TH’ CROOKED LEGGED ’UNS O’ KEIGHLEY
“WHITE SLAVERY”
OASTLER ON FACTORY LIFE
THE LATE REV. W. BUSFIELD
RECOLLECTIONS OF THE LATE MR BUSFEILD FERRAND
THE KEIGHLEY RIOT
A CHANGE OF LIFE
JOINING THE SUNDAY SCHOOL
LED ASTRAY BY POLITICS
CHAPTER VIII
A WOOING EXPEDITION AND ITS SEQUEL
FAMILY TROUBLES AT MIDDLESBOROUGH
AS A DOCK-YARD LABOURER
ACTING THE NAVVY CONTRACTOR
FALLING AMONG KEIGHLEY FRIENDS
ENLISTING IN THE ARMY
CHAPTER IX
MY MILITARY CAREER
EMBARKING FOR SCOTLAND
THIEVES ON BOARD
HOW THE THIEVES WERE TRAPPED
THE TRIAL AND IMPRISONMENT
AT EDINBURGH—BILL TELLS THE COLONEL SOMETHING
A RED-LETTER DAY IN MY LIFE
“JEWED” BY A JEW
BEFORE THE DRILL-SERGEANT
A PROMOTION
A WARNING AND ITS EFFECT
HOAXED BY THE SERGEANTS
BANQUET AT EDINBURGH CASTLE
CHANGE OF VENUE
CHAPTER X
A CHAT WITH “DUNCAN DHEW”
A VISIT TO THE “BIG HALL”
THE SCOTCH LASSIE’S REGRET
A BEAUTIFUL LANDSCAPE
BACK TO AULD REEKIE
INTERVIEW WITH THE EMPRESS EUGENIE
ADIEU! EDINBURGH—A DISAPPOINTMENT
IN CHARGE OF DEFAULTERS
A DESPERATE AFFRAY WITH THE POLICE
I WAS OUT OF THE FRAY
CHAPTER XI
IN THE LAND OF BURNS
BURNS’ CELEBRATION
THE PEOPLE OF AYR
A FREE FIGHT AND ITS CONSEQUENCES
IN THE HANDS OF THE POLICE
BEFORE THE LORD PROVOST
CHAPTER XII
REDUCED TO THE RANKS
BREAKING A FIERY HORSE
BACK TO ENGLAND
CHAPTER XIII
BACK TO KEIGHLEY—I BECOME A VOLUNTEER
CAPTAIN BUSFEILD FERRAND GIVES A BANQUET
AN UNSUCCESSFUL FIELD DAY AT YORK
REVIEW AT DONCASTER
AN AMUSING INCIDENT ON THE HOME JOURNEY
THE DRILL-SERGEANT’S DISMISSAL
A DRILLING INCIDENT
CHAPTER XIV
A MONSTER REVIEW AT DOVER
CHURCH PARADE TO WESTMINSTER ABBEY
SEEING THE “SIGHTS O’ LUNNON”
I MEET WITH A KEIGHLEY GENTLEMAN
OFF TO DOVER—A STORMY MORNING
I PERFORM A MILITARY TACTIC
UP THE HEIGHTS OF DOVER
THE SIGNAL FOR THE START
A VOLUNTEER DRAMATIC SOCIETY
CHAPTER XV
IN SEARCH OF EMPLOYMENT
TRIP TO MALSIS HALL
THE PEOPLE’S “TRIBUNE”
THE HENPECKED CLUB AND THE KEIGHLEY SHOW
CHAPTER XVI
KEIGHLEY’S FIRST SCHOOL BOARD
REMOVAL TO BRADFORD
PLAY WRITING
AS A COMIC AUTHOR
THE GUARDIANS AND THEIR VISIT TO YORK CASTLE
CHAPTER XVII
THE KEIGHLEY GLORY BAND
WITH THE LATE CHARLES BRADLAUGH, M.P.
THE HEROIC WATCHMAN OF CALVERSYKE HILL
CHAPTER XVIIITHE GREAT TICKET-OF-LEAVE STRIKE
THE PARISH PINDER
ADVENTURE WITH A SHARK
CHAPTER XIX
THE BIG PIKE AND THE PRIZE RAM
MR LEACH AND THE BATHS AND WASH-HOUSES
ASTROLOGY AND BUMPOLOGY
ALONE IN LONDON
CHAPTER XX
THE LATE MR LEACH IN LONDON
IN THE HOUSE OF LORDS
AT A FANCY DRESS BALL
AT SPURGEON’S TABERNACLE
AN ADVENTURE AT EPSOM RACES
ROBBED IN PETTICOAT LANE
THE FINAL DAY
MR LEACH’S THREE NIGHTS’ LECTURES
MR LEACH’S FUNERAL SERMONS
CHAPTER XXI
MR LEACH AT WAKEFIELD
SLACK-LANE BAPTIST CHAPEL
A VISIT TO CLIFFE CASTLE
MR LEACH AND DEVONSHIRE PARK
MR LEACH’S EPITAPH
CHAPTER XXII
EXILED FROM KEIGHLEY
IN BRADFORD—AS PATTERN DRESSER
AS WARP-SIZING INSPECTOR
AS “BUM” BAILIFF
BACK TO KEIGHLEY
THE ORDER OF BUFFALOES
CHAPTER XXIII
A TRAMP INTO LANCASHIRE
LOCAL ELECTION EPISODES
BOYCOTTED!
I APPLY FOR SITUATION AS WORKHOUSE MASTER
“THE POOR MAN’S LAWYER”
I TURN INVENTOR
BILL SPINK, THE COBBLER
A THEATRICAL CHUM
WITH THE LATE MR EDWIN WAUGH
“SAMMY” MOORE, AND OTHERS
CHAPTER XXV
MR JONAS BOTTOMLEY
“SHOOTING MONKEYS”
“WHEN GREEN LEAVES COME AGAIN”
CHAPTER XXVI
OLD MUSICIANS
A DISAPPOINTED MAN
“GOOISE AN’ GIBLET PIE.”
THE CONCLUDING CHAPTER
THE LATE REV. J. ROOM, M.A.
SOME LAUGHABLE STORIES
MY LAST RAMBLE
CHRISTMAS DAY
Footnotes