Funny Stories Told by the Soldiers / Pranks, Jokes and Laughable Affairs of Our Boys and Their Allies in the Great War
FUNNY STORIES TOLD BY THE SOLDIERS
PRANKS, JOKES AND LAUGHABLE AFFAIRS OF OUR BOYS AND THEIR ALLIES IN THE GREAT WAR The Victors in Their Cheerful Moments By CARLETON B. CASE SHREWESBURY PUBLISHING CO. CHICAGO
Copyright, 1919 by SHREWESBURY PUBLISHING CO.
Now that the dread of awful war has passed with the coming of welcome peace, we can turn our minds with renewed cheerfulness to the merry side of the great world’s conflict and enjoy with our boys the funny things they saw and did and said while “over there.”
The comedy side of the war has been quickly seen and readily interpreted by the world’s great writers, as well as by the very officers and men, in all departments of the service, who themselves participated in both the serious and the frivolous affairs of warfare as developed day by day.
It is the humorous experiences of which these warriors and writers have told us in speech and print that we have sought to gather into one volume for the edification and delectation of a humor-loving public. Enough and too much has been told of the horrors of war. To hear the pleasanter side, the merry doings of our soldiers and their allies, the victorious hosts of freedom, is a welcome relief to war-weary hearts, freed now, and forever, from the dire dread of the awfulness of modern slaughter.
So this collection of funny stories has come into being; its mission to cheer us all with the merry tales told by and about our conquering soldiers.
FUNNY STORIES TOLD BY THE SOLDIERS
Carleton B. Case
FUNNY STORIES
PREFACE
SECRETARY BAKER TELLS A GOOD ONE
DID SHE SAVE DOC ONE?
WANTED TO KILL THE COOKS
YOU CAN’T BEAT THE IRISH
ASK SOMEONE FROM MISSOURI
CLARK STREET ENGLISH
HIS MASTER’S VOICE
ELEGY WRITTEN IN A BELGIAN DOORYARD
WHEN PRESIDENT WILSON LAUGHED
BEEF, MILK AND BEER
TOO BAD SHE HADN’T MORE SONS
WHY HE GOT THIRTY DAYS
TIME TO SWEAR OFF
THE CHOCOLATE SOLDIERS
NO FOOTSTEPS IN THE AIR
CHICKEN FEED ON BROADWAY
THIS WAS IN ENGLAND
VERY LADYLIKE
HE DROPS INTO POETRY
WHERE DO I SLEEP NEXT?
THIS PLEASED THE COLONEL
DID THE CHAPLAIN SWEAR?
ONE SWEET KISS LOST
A COINCIDENCE OF WAR
GERMAN PAPERS, PLEASE NOTE
UNANIMOUS
PA WAS THE GENERAL
TOUGH ON GOMPERS
HAD THE RIGHT DOPE
TELL THIS NOT IN BOSTON
THE MESSAGE WAS SOBER, ANYHOW
HE HADN’T FINISHED
THE OOZING OF THE COONS
SHE WAS IN UNIFORM
NO CHALLENGING OUT OF HIS CLASS
CALLING HIM SISSY?
HOW DISAPPOINTED HE’LL BE
AMERICAN HUMOR IN FRANCE
SNOBBERY SQUELCHED
BLASTED HOPES
PROFITABLE AUTHORSHIP
THE “LONG, LONG TRAIL” OVER THERE
HIS OWN PERSONAL WAR
WHEN TOMMY LAUGHS
ONE OF THOSE IRISH BULLS
WHEN GERMANY SALUTED A PIG
AND SO IT PROVED
WASHINGTON GETS THESE, TOO
BLACK MAGIC
SUCH EXCUSES AS THEY MAKE
HE HAD TROUBLES, TOO
WHAT COULD HE MEAN?
NEVER MIND THE TARGET
A LADY FROM HELL
THEORY VS. FACT
ONWARD, CHRISTIAN SOLDIER!
WHO WAS THE JOKE ON?
REAL YANKEE LANGUAGE
DAMN THE KAISER
FUN FOR THE MISSUS
GERMAN RESTITUTION
BUT DID CHARLEY TELL IT?
LONG-DISTANCE FAREWELL
NINE GIRLS TOO MANY
WHY NOT BOTH?
ONLY GOOD GERMANS WERE LEFT
A BREEZY RETORT
PATTING MISSOURI ON THE BACK
YOU CAN’T BEAT SUCH BOYS
HOW TO BE FUNNY IN WARTIME
NOW ON A WAR-BASIS
HUMANITY IN WAR
FLATLY IMPOSSIBLE
THE FRATERNAL SIDE OF WAR
NO TIME TO WASTE
HER GENTLE COME-BACK
HIS MIND WAS WANDERING
THE SEX OF THE KILTIES
PLAY BALL!
HE’D BEEN THERE HIMSELF
EIGHTEEN YEARS OF HOPE
A NICKNAME THAT STUCK
PAT WAS SMOKING
FORGOT HIS LINES
SO THERE’S PLENTY OF IT
LIVELY ENEMY
NO REGRETS
TOO MUCH WASTED EFFORT
MAD ENOUGH TO LICK ANYONE
WORKING THE WAR
SANDY WAS SCOTCH
BROWN WASN’T GREEN
ANYTHING TO GET AWAY
NATURALLY WISHED TO SEE HER
ZEPPELINITIS
PALESTINE VS. PURGATORY
DON’T ALL SPEAK AT ONCE
WELL SEASONED
NOT TO BE DONE
UNCERTAIN TRAIN SCHEDULE
REAL STRATEGY
HE KNEW THE BREED
DESERVED PROMOTION
MIXED HER DATES
HOOVER, GOD AND THREE OTHERS
IT TAKES FIFTEEN YEARS, SON
AW, BE A SPORT, HUBBY
NOT ON THE PROGRAM
WHERE HIS AUTHORITY BEGAN
A TENNYSONIAN TODDY
WHY REMIND THEM OF IT?
HE’D HEARD HER SING
WHY FRANCE WON
MUCH THE SAFEST PLAN
THE OLD FAMILIAR WORDS
WITH A COMMA AFTER “RED”
HOLES CLEAR THROUGH HIM
WAS THIS FOREORDAINED?
WILLING TO PAY THE PRICE
WAR’S COMPENSATIONS
CAP WAS A SURE WINNER
ONLY A RUSE AFTER ALL
TRY IT ON THE YANKS
HER MEASURE OF SUCCESS
BETTER MAKE AN OMELET
THE USUAL PREFERENCE
NOTHING TO FIGHT FOR
BOTH UP AND DOWN, AUNTIE
SECURING A TEMPORARY DIVORCE
REMINDS ONE OF PLATTSBURG
MONOLOGUE, BY NAT M. WILLS
PARDONABLE MISTAKE
HE WAS REAL MAD ABOUT IT
HE KNEW WHERE THEY WERE
JUST A BIT OF TRENCH REPARTEE
NOT MENTIONABLE IN SOCIETY
NOW SHE KNOWS WHY
INTERCEPTED WAR MESSAGES
WHAT MOTHERS ALWAYS SAY
FASHION NOTE FROM THE FRONT
ONE GERMAN WE FORGIVE
EQUINE “NOW I LAY ME”
ONE BRITISH ATROCITY
NEVER MIND THE NAME
FRENCH IN THE TRENCH
SCOTCH PROVISIONS
VERY LIKE MOSES
THEY FIXED YOU, WILLIE
SAFETY FIRST
NO SUGAR IN HEAVEN
YOU CAN’T DO THIS IN BATTLE
NOW IT’S “ALL DUNN”
A LAST FAREWELL
TOO MODEST BY FAR
ANOTHER WAR CASUALTY
PREACHER HAD A SCOOP
THERE IS TIME FOR BOTH
THEY DO SOUND ALIKE
NO TIME TO SAY ALL OF IT
NO MAIL TO HADES
MORE TO THE PURPOSE
WHAT WE MAY EXPECT NOW
EIGHT MILES FOR HIM
NO FIGHTING FOR HIM
HOW HUNS TICKLED THEMSELVES
’TWASN’T HIS FAULT
VERY GOOD, PUNCH
HE KNEW ABOUT COWS
WILLING TO TREAT
AND FULL OF TABASCO
CAUSE FOR DEPRESSION
ENOUGH TO WARRANT EXEMPTION
CHANGED HIS TUNE
FROM HIS POINT OF VIEW
THOSE PET NAMES FOR OFFICERS
TOO MUCH HARVARD
WOULDN’T INSULT THE JACK
ONE WAY TO GET EVEN
“HONEY” DRAWS THE LINE
WILLING TO EXPLAIN
CAUSE FOR ANNOYANCE
SHE KNEW HIS MERITS
CENSORING THE CLOUDS
IT CAN’T BE DONE
A TWO-BIT HERO
ONE OF THE FEW THAT HAVE
HOWL INDEFINITELY POSTPONED
AND THEY DRINK GRAPE JUICE
LESS METERS, LESS GAS
YOU KNOW THAT PAPER
CHANCE TO GET EVEN
THE WAY THINGS LOOKED IN 1916
CAUSE FOR REJOICING
BUT NOT THIS TIME
EVIDENCE OF REFINEMENT
EVENING THINGS UP
AN INTERIOR PROBLEM
BEEN “GETTING UP” EVER SINCE
MERELY A WAY-STATION
OBEYING ORDERS
NO ABSENT TREATMENT WANTED
CAUSE FOR CONFIDENCE
JUST GOT ON TO IT
READY FOR ANY SNAKE
DID HE GET HER MEANING?
IT’S THE SHELLS
OFFENSIVE PREPARATIONS
GETTING BACK AT HEINE
ZOOLOGICAL MONSTROSITY
NOT WANTED ANYWHERE
THERE WAS A PAIR OF THEM
NOT AS INTENDED
CHEERING NEWS
WHY THIS DELAY?
PERHAPS YOU HAVE WONDERED
NO CREEDS IN WARTIME
BUT IT’S MEN WHO PAY THEM
ACQUIRING WIFELY ARTS
THE NERVE OF THE COOK
FOOD WILL WIN THE WAR
GIVING THEM A SEND-OFF
DON’T BELIEVE ALL YOU HEAR
YOU’VE SEEN THEM
PLACING THE BLAME
PROOF POSITIVE
CARBOLIC STARTED THIS
FROM SANTA CLAUS IN WASHINGTON
THIS BEATS ALL
PAT WAS STRINGING HIM
ANOTHER HUN ATROCITY
KNEW HIM WELL
ENOUGH TO MAKE A KING LAUGH
TOO SLEEPY TO BE SCARED
SHE UNDERSTOOD WOMEN
WELL, THAT WAS HIS COMPANY
SPOIL OF WAR
CHEERFUL NEWS FROM ‘OVER THERE’
HE KNEW WHAT TO USE
THEY CAN’T WORK THIS ANY MORE
IMPORTANT INFORMATION WANTED
THAT WAS THE HYMN NUMBER
TEMPORARY
BOOZE FIGHTERS
VERY PROPER ANSWER
WHAT DISCOURAGED HIM
GOING SOMEWHERE
OUTRANKED IN THE KITCHEN
SURPRISE FOR THE GERMANS
NO LEAD PIPE CINCH
SERVED HIM RIGHT!
QUITE A CONTRAST
AND HOLDING IT YET
FOOLING THE COOTIES
THIS IS A MAN
WANTED SOMETHING STATIONARY
YET THEY FOUGHT NOBLY
PHYSICAL IMPOSSIBILITY
THE QUICKER THE SOONER
TRANSPORTS OF JOY
WHERE HE IS EXPERT
NO MULES IN THE AIR
DEAR LITTLE BOY
THEN SHE HAD THEM PRESSED
UNUSUAL OFFICER
NOT SERIOUSLY DAMAGED
ORDERS, BUT NO SALES
THOSE FOOL QUESTIONS
PROUD OF THEIR SOLDIERS
NOT FLATTERING HIM ANY
ONLY KIND HE KNEW
NOT HIS KIND OF JEWELRY
MORE DANGEROUS, ALSO
SAME IN ALL LANGUAGES
SHE KNEW JIM
THEN HE GOT THIRTY DAYS K. P.
PLEASED IS NO NAME FOR IT
GENUINE CHICKEN DINNER
ON THE ORIGINAL FIRING LINE
PLAY THE GAME
SHE WAS USED TO IT
SPIRIT OF FRANCE
RECOGNIZED THE RESEMBLANCE
PROOF POSITIVE
CAN SHOW WHAT HE’S GOOD FOR
GLAD HE TALKED TO GEN. PERSHING
BEFORE ONE CAN TURN AROUND
ONE ON THE COLONEL
A GRAND STAND PLAY
THE NEGRO IN AUTHORITY
DON’T YOU DO IT, TOMMY
NO PROHIBITION THERE
CHAFFING EACH OTHER
GETTING ON FAST
NO WONDER HE REBELLED
THEY ALL GET ’EM
REACHED HIS LIMIT
SEEKING INFORMATION
BIRDS FAR SURPASSED
NO KICK COMING
A REAL SPREE
MOVING PICTURE IN ONE REEL
USEFUL AND ORNAMENTAL
THE MILITARY HAIR CUT
BASEBALL IN BLIGHTY
UNIVERSAL COMPLAINT
SAMPLE WAS SATISFACTORY
NO FUN WITHOUT FUNDS
THOUGHT HE HAD ARRIVED
“COUNT ’EM NOW, MISTAH KAISER”
