Mr. Punch's History of the Great War
For whatsoever worth or wit appears In this mixed record of five hectic years, This tale of heroes, heroines--and others-- Thank first O. S. and then his band of brothers Who took their cue, with pencil and with pen, From the gay courage of our fighting men. Theirs be the praise, not his, who here supplies Merely the editorial hooks and eyes And, rich by proxy, prodigally spends The largess of his colleagues and his friends.
C. L. G .
Though a lover of peace, Mr. Punch from his earliest days has not been unfamiliar with war. He was born during the Afghan campaign; in his youth England fought side by side with the French in the Crimea; he saw the old Queen bestow the first Victoria Crosses in 1857; he was moved and stirred by the horrors and heroisms of the Indian Mutiny. A little later on, when our relations with France were strained by the Imperialism of Louis Napoleon, he had witnessed the rise of the volunteer movement and made merry with the activities of the citizen soldier of Brook Green. Later on again he had watched, not without grave misgiving, the growth of the great Prussian war machine which crushed Denmark, overthrew Austria, and having isolated France, overwhelmed her heroic resistance by superior numbers and science, and stripped her of Alsace-Lorraine.
In May, 1864, Mr. Punch presented the King of Prussia with the Order of St. Gibbet for his treatment of Denmark.
In August of the same year he portrayed the brigands dividing the spoil and Prussia grabbing the lion's share, thus foreshadowing the inevitable conflict with Austria.
In the war of 1870-1 he showed France on her knees but defying the new Caesar, and arraigned Bismarck before the altar of Justice for demanding exorbitant securities.
And in 1873, when the German occupation was ended by the payment of the indemnity, in a flash of prophetic vision Mr. Punch pictured France, vanquished but unsubdued, bidding her conqueror Au revoir.
More than forty years followed, years of peace and prosperity for Great Britain, only broken by the South African war, the wounds of which were healed by a generous settlement. But all the time Germany was preparing for The Day, steadily perfecting her war machine, enlarging her armies, creating a great fleet, and piling up colossal supplies of guns and munitions, while her professors and historians, harnessed to the car of militarism, inflamed the people against England as the jealous enemy of Germany's legitimate expansion. Abroad, like a great octopus, she was fastening the tentacles of permeation and penetration in every corner of the globe, honeycombing Russia and Belgium, France, England and America with secret agents, spying and intriguing and abusing our hospitality. For twenty-five years the Kaiser was our frequent and honoured, if somewhat embarrassing, guest, professing friendship for England and admiration of her ways, shooting at Sandringham, competing at Cowes, sending telegrams of congratulation to the University boat-race winners, ingratiating himself with all he met by his social gifts, his vivacious conversation, his prodigious versatility and energy.
Charles L. Graves
Mr. PUNCH'S
HISTORY OF THE GREAT WAR
1919
PEACE--THE SOWER
TO THE READER
PROLOGUE
Mr. PUNCH'S HISTORY of the GREAT WAR
BRAVO, BELGIUM!
PORTER: "Do I know if the Rooshuns has really come to England? Well, sir, if this don't prove it, I don't know what do. A train went through here full, and when it came back I knowed there'd been Rooshuns in it, 'cause the cushions and floors was covered with snow."
STUDY OF A PRUSSIAN HOUSEHOLD HAVING ITS MORNING HATE
WILLIAM O' THE WISP
THE REWARD OF KULTUR
AFTER ONE YEAR
THE PERSUADING OF TINO
PADDY (who has had his periscope smashed by a bullet): "Sure there's seven years' bad luck for the poor devil that broke that, anyhow."
TOMMY (finding a German prisoner who speaks English): "Look what you done to me, you blighters! 'Ere--'ave a cigarette?"
GRANNIE (dragged out of bed at 1.30 a.m., and being hurriedly dressed as the bombs begin to fall): "Nancy, these stockings are not a pair."
"He's kicked the Corporal!"
"He's kicked the Vet.!!"
"He's kicked the Transport Officer!!!"
HELD!
THE FAR-REACHING EFFECT OF THE RUSSIAN PUSH
WELL DONE, THE NEW ARMY
THE REJUVENATING EFFECT OF ZEPPELINS
MOTHER: "Come away, Jimmy! Maybe it ain't properly stuffed."
HINDENBURGITIS; OR, THE PRUSSIAN HOME MADE BEAUTIFUL
THE RETURN OF THE MOCK TURTLE-DOVE
THE BIRD: "Wouldn't even look at me!"
THE RECRUIT WHO TOOK TO IT KINDLY
THE LAST THROW
HEAD OF GOVERNMENT DEPARTMENT (in his private room in recently commandeered hotel): "Boy! Bring some more coal!"
The Brothers Tingo, who are exempted from military service, do their bit by helping to train ladies who are going on the land.
THE INFECTIOUS HORNPIPE
TORPEDOED MINE-SWEEPER (to his pal): " As I was a-saying, Bob, when we was interrupted, it's my belief as 'ow the submarine blokes ain't on 'arf as risky a job as the boys in the airy-o-planes."
"No, dear, I'm afraid we shan't be at the dance to-night. Poor Herbert has got a touch of allotment feet."
THE SCRAPPER SCRAPPED
BUSY CITY MAN TO HIS PARTNER (as one of the new air-raid warnings gets to work): " If you'll leave me in here for the warnings I'll carry on while you take shelter during the raids."
RUSSIA'S DARK HOUR
STOUT LADY (discussing the best thing to do in an air-raid): "Well, I always runs about meself. You see, as my 'usband sez, an' very reasonable too, a movin' targit is more difficult to 'it."
ONE UP!
AUNT MARIA: "Do you know I once actually saw the Kaiser riding through the streets of London as bold as brass. If I'd known then what I know now I'd have told a policeman."
The ex-Kaiser is appointed to the post of official gatherer of scraps of paper.
TO ALL AT HOME
THE CIVILIAN AND THE WAR OFFICE
INDIGNANT WAR-WORKER: "And she actually asked me if I didn't think I might be doing something! Me? And I haven't missed a charity matinée for the last three months."
THE COAT THAT DIDN'T COME OFF
THE POLITICIAN WHO ADDRESSED THE TROOPS
THE DUD
BOBBY (at the conclusion of dinner): "Mother, I don't know how it is, but I never seem to get that--that--nice sick feeling nowadays."
CHILD (who has been made much of by father home on leave for the first time for two years): "Mummy dear, I like that man you call your husband."
ALARMING SPREAD OF BOBBING
FARMER AND THE FARM LABOURER
CADET: "Really, from the way these College Authorities make themselves at home you'd think the place belonged to them."
PROSPEROUS IRISH FARMER: "And what about the War, your Riverence? Do ye think it will hould?"
THE SANDS RUN OUT
VICTORY!
RECONSTRUCTION: A NEW YEAR'S TASK
"END OF A PERFECT 'TAG'"
GHOSTS AT VERSAILLES