Round-Up Time

Illustrated by GIUNTA
There was madness in Manhattan when Queerpants came to town!
My wife don't believe me. That's why she made me come here, and I don't think you're gonna believe me, either, but it's the God's honest truth—and the money's mine.
Hell, I wouldn't never steal. I know there's a lotta fellas in my fix that do, but not me. I always been honest, and always got along okay.
Excuse me, but are you takin' this down just the way I'm tellin' it? Cuz I can't talk so good, ain't had much schoolin', and I want this took down just like I'm tellin' it, cuz it's gonna he hard enough to believe.
Okay, thanks.
The whole thing started yesterday mornin'. I went out early cuz my wife was sick and I wanted to try and get as much as I could by myself, in case there gonna be doctor bills. And it's a lot tougher goin' it alone, counta my wife plays the banjo, and that's a big help.
Well, the subway take on the way up from Brooklyn was pretty poor, so I got off at Columbus Circle and headed for the Park. I figgered, it bein' the Fourth of July holiday, there'd be pretty good pickin's there.
But hell, I never figgered it was gonna be that good!
I had a little trouble gettin' acrost Fifty-ninth Street—you know, where they been doin' all that diggin'?—and I took a bad spill there. My crutches slipped on that damn gravel they got spread all over the place. I don't usu'ly have trouble navigatin' that way, but this mornin' I was still kinda sleepy and wasn't watchin' myself enough.
Yeah, I went right on my ear—that's how I got this cut here. As if I ain't had enough trouble there.
This real nice guy come runnin' over and helps me up. He talked real funny, sorta with his teeth, like. I couldn't make out a thing he said. A furriner, I figgered.