Pangborn's paradox

By DAVID MASON
Illustrated by RICHARD KLUGA
So you know all the punchlines to the old kill-your-own-grandfather gag, eh? Wanna bet?
Temporal paradoxes, Pangborn said, in that extra-stuffy tone he used when he wanted to give us an adequate idea of his superiority, are not to be regarded as inconsistencies per se.
Why not? demanded Doctor Randall's voice from the depth of his wing chair. All we had been able to see of him for the past half-hour had been his legs, but apparently Pangborn's tone had been too much. Prove it!
Pangborn's tone became even more lofty. My own theory is that such paradoxes, if reduced to practice, would prove not to be paradoxical at all.
Such as the famous idea about going back and killing one's grandparents? Von Juntz asked, stroking his beard.
We all like to have our little oddities on the faculty at Miskatonic. Von Juntz liked to look like a nineteenth century Heidelberger. Pangborn of Physics liked to assume a personality pattern that would annoy people. Doctor Randall of the Department of Advertising Arts wrote poetry in secret. And I liked to drink....
Problem of killing grandparents before parents were born, I said, pouring myself another. Question if you can be born after that. Question if you can't be born, how did you do it? Not really possible, Pangborn. You can't test it. I made a mental note to bring up the low quality of Faculty Club whiskey at the next business meeting. It had everything else a good faculty club should have: brown leather armchairs, old magazines, fresh newspapers, a dusty chess board, cut glass decanters ... it was a place well suited for comfortable reading, talking and drinking—except for the quality of the whiskey.
Can't kill grandpa, Doctor Randall said, from far down in his comfortable chair. No such thing as time travel.
You underestimate the Physics department, Pangborn told us coldly. In spite of heavy losses to our staff—last year's treason trials cost us three of our most brilliant young men—we've made some very remarkable strides. We have what is crudely termed a time machine—although the correct term is temporal transducer. In fact we are currently conducting some very interesting researches with it.