Mrs. Caudle's Curtain Lectures
It has happened to the writer that two, or three, or ten, or twenty gentlewomen have asked him - and asked in various notes of wonder, pity, and reproof -
“ What could have made you think of Mrs. Caudle ?
“ How could such a thing have entered any man’s mind ?”
There are subjects that seem like rain drops to fall upon a man’s head, the head itself having nothing to do with the matter. The result of no train of thought, there is the picture, the statue, the book, wafted, like the smallest seed, into the brain to feed upon the soil, such as it may be, and grow there. And this was, no doubt, the accidental cause of the literary sowing and expansion - unfolding like a night-flower - of MRS. CAUDLE.
But let a jury of gentlewomen decide.
And the writer, looking dreamily into that playground, still mused on the robust jollity of those little fellows, to whom the tax-gatherer was as yet a rarer animal than baby hippopotamus. Heroic boyhood, so ignorant of the future in the knowing enjoyment of the present! And the writer still dreaming and musing, and still following no distinct line of thought, there struck upon him, like notes of sudden household music, these words - CURTAIN LECTURES.
One moment there was no living object save those racing, shouting boys; and the next, as though a white dove had alighted on the pen hand of the writer, there was - MRS. CAUDLE.
Ladies of the jury, are there not then some subjects of letters that mysteriously assert an effect without any discoverable cause? Otherwise, wherefore should the thought of CURTAIN LECTURES grow from a school ground - wherefore, among a crowd of holiday school-boys, should appear MRS. CAUDLE?
For the LECTURES themselves, it is feared they must be given up as a farcical desecration of a solemn time-honoured privilege; it may be, exercised once in a life time, - and that once having the effect of a hundred repetitions, as Job lectured his wife. And Job’s wife, a certain Mohammedan writer delivers, having committed a fault in her love to her husband, he swore that on his recovery he would deal her a hundred stripes. Job got well, and his heart was touched and taught by the tenderness to keep his vow, and still to chastise his help-mate; for he smote her once with a palm-branch having a hundred leaves.
Douglas William Jerrold
MRS. CAUDLE’S CURTAIN LECTURES BY DOUGLAS JERROLD
AUTHOR’S PREFACE
INTRODUCTION
LECTURE I - MR. CAUDLE HAS LENT FIVE POUNDS TO A FRIEND
LECTURE II - MR. CAUDLE HAS BEEN AT A TAVERN WITH A FRIEND, AND IS “ENOUGH TO POISON A WOMAN” WITH TOBACCO-SMOKE
LECTURE III - MR. CAUDLE JOINS A CLUB - “THE SKYLARKS.”
LECTURE IV - MR. CAUDLE HAS BEEN CALLED FROM HIS BED TO BAIL MR. PRETTYMAN FROM THE WATCH-HOUSE
LECTURE V - MR. CAUDLE HAS REMAINED DOWNSTAIRS TILL PAST ONE, WITH A FRIEND
LECTURE VI - MR. CAUDLE HAS LENT AN ACQUAINTANCE THE FAMILY UMBRELLA
LECTURE VII - MR. CAUDLE HAS VENTURED A REMONSTRANCE ON HIS DAY’S DINNER: COLD MUTTON, AND NO PUDDING. - MRS. CAUDLE DEFENDS THE COLD SHOULDER
LECTURE VIII - CAUDLE HAS BEEN MADE A MASON - MRS. CAUDLE INDIGNANT AND CURIOUS
LECTURE IX - MR. CAUDLE HAS BEEN TO GREENWICH FAIR
LECTURE X - ON MR. CAUDLE’S SHIRT-BUTTONS
LECTURE XI - MRS. CAUDLE SUGGESTS THAT HER DEAR MOTHER SHOULD “COME AND LIVE WITH THEM.”
LECTURE XII - MR. CAUDLE HAVING COME HOME A LITTLE LATE, DECLARES THAT HENCEFORTH “HE WILL HAVE A KEY.”
LECTURE XIII - MRS. CAUDLE HAS BEEN TO SEE HER DEAR MOTHER. - CAUDLE, ON THE “JOYFUL OCCASION,” HAS GIVEN A PARTY, AND ISSUED A CARD OF INVITATION
LECTURE XIV - MRS. CAUDLE THINKS IT “HIGH TIME” THAT THE CHILDREN SHOULD HAVE SUMMER CLOTHING
LECTURE XV - MR. CAUDLE HAS AGAIN STAYED OUT LATE. MRS. CAUDLE, AT FIRST INJURED AND VIOLENT, MELTS
LECTURE XVI - BABY IS TO BE CHRISTENED; MRS. CAUDLE CANVASSES THE MERITS OF PROBABLE GODFATHERS
LECTURE XVII - CAUDLE IN THE COURSE OF THE DAY HAS VENTURED TO QUESTION THE ECONOMY OF “WASHING AT HOME.”
LECTURE XVIII - CAUDLE, WHILST WALKING WITH HIS WIFE, HAS BEEN BOWED TO BY A YOUNGER AND EVEN PRETTIER WOMAN THAN MRS. CAUDLE
LECTURE XIX - MRS. CAUDLE THINKS “IT WOULD LOOK WELL TO KEEP THEIR WEDDING-DAY.”
LECTURE XX - “BROTHER” CAUDLE HAS BEEN TO A MASONIC CHARITABLE DINNER. MRS. CAUDLE HAS HIDDEN THE “BROTHER’S” CHEQUE-BOOK
LECTURE XXI - MR. CAUDLE HAS NOT ACTED “LIKE A HUSBAND” AT THE WEDDING DINNER
LECTURE XXII - CAUDLE COMES HOME IN THE EVENING, AS MRS. CAUDLE HAS “JUST STEPPED OUT, SHOPPING.” ON HER RETURN, AT TEN, CAUDLE REMONSTRATES
LECTURE XXIII - MRS. CAUDLE “WISHES TO KNOW IF THEY’RE GOING TO THE SEA-SIDE, OR NOT, THIS SUMMER - THAT’S ALL”
LECTURE XXIV - MRS. CAUDLE DWELLS ON CAUDLE’S “CRUEL NEGLECT” OF HER ON BOARD THE “RED ROVER.” MRS. CAUDLE SO “ILL WITH THE SEA,” THAT THEY PUT UP AT THE DOLPHIN, HERNE BAY.
LECTURE XXV - MRS. CAUDLE, WEARIED OF MARGATE, HAS “A GREAT DESIRE TO SEE FRANCE.”
LECTURE XXVI - MRS. CAUDLE’S FIRST NIGHT IN FRANCE - “SHAMEFUL INDIFFERENCE” OF CAUDLE AT THE BOULOGNE CUSTOM HOUSE
LECTURE XXVII - MRS. CAUDLE RETURNS TO HER NATIVE LAND. “UNMANLY CRUELTY” OF CAUDLE, WHO HAS REFUSED “TO SMUGGLE A FEW THINGS” FOR HER
LECTURE XXVIII - MRS. CAUDLE HAS RETURNED HOME. THE HOUSE (OF COURSE) “NOT FIT TO BE SEEN.” MR. CAUDLE, IN SELF-DEFENCE, TAKES A BOOK
LECTURE XXIX - MRS. CAUDLE THINKS “THE TIME HAS COME TO HAVE A COTTAGE OUT OF TOWN”
LECTURE XXXI - MRS. CAUDLE COMPLAINS VERY BITTERLY THAT MR. CAUDLE HAS “BROKEN HER CONFIDENCE.”
LECTURE XXXII - MRS. CAUDLE DISCOURSES OF MAIDS-OF-ALL-WORK AND MAIDS IN GENERAL. MR. CAUDLE’S “INFAMOUS BEHAVIOUR” TEN YEARS AGO
LECTURE XXXIII - MRS. CAUDLE HAS DISCOVERED THAT CAUDLE IS A RAILWAY DIRECTOR
LECTURE XXXIV - MRS. CAUDLE, SUSPECTING THAT MR. CAUDLE HAS MADE HIS WILL, IS “ONLY ANXIOUS, AS A WIFE,” TO KNOW ITS PROVISIONS
LECTURE XXXV - MRS. CAUDLE “HAS BEEN TOLD” THAT CAUDLE HAS “TAKEN TO PLAY” AT BILLIARDS
LECTURE THE LAST - MRS. CAUDLE HAS TAKEN COLD; THE TRAGEDY OF THIN SHOES
POSTSCRIPT