Siege of Washington, D.C., written expressly for little people

1867
MY publisher gives it as his opinion that a great many persons will be offended at what I have said in this work. He thinks, also, that quite a number of our great generals will be seriously disturbed in their dignity on seeing what liberties my artist has taken with them. Such opinions as these are rather too common with publishers in this country, who generally take very narrow views as to what public men think and do. This work was not written to offend, but to amuse and instruct little people. I have too much respect for our great generals to believe that they will feel offended at what I have said of them. Some of our little generals may perhaps take exception to the positions my artist has assigned them, and feel disposed to make war on him. But there will be nothing new in this, inasmuch as any close observer of the war must have seen that these little generals were always more fierce in making war on writers and artists than courageous in facing the enemy. That the Siege of Washington was the most remarkable military event history has any account of, is very well understood among those who participated in it. I must beg the reader, then, not to place false judgment on the pleasantry introduced here and there, since I have recorded, with great care and correctness, all the military movements, that took place during that memorable occasion.
WASHINGTON, D. C., January 15, 1867.
YOU, my son, have heard, and perhaps read, how Rome was once saved by a goose. There were, as you know, my son, a great many geese abroad during the siege of Washington; but it was not through any act of theirs that the city was saved. As I love you dearly, my son, so is it my first desire to instruct you correctly on all subjects in which the good of our great country is concerned. Before concluding my history of this remarkable siege, I shall prove to your satisfaction that Washington was saved, and the fate of the nation determined, by a barrel of whisky.
Let me say to you, my son, that the siege of Washington, however much people abroad may laugh at it, was one of the most extraordinary events in the history of modern warfare. It took place in the year of our Lord, 1864; and there is no other event in the war of the great rebellion to compare with it. You will, therefore, my son, understand why it is that the history of an event of so much importance should be written only by an impartial historian—one who has courage enough to tell the truth, and no official friends to serve at the expense of honor. I must tell you, also, my son, that the great military problem of this siege has afforded a subject of deep study for our engineers, from General Delafield downward, who have puzzled their wits over it without finding a solution.