Are You a Bromide? / The Sulphitic Theory Expounded and Exemplified According to the Most Recent Researches into the Psychology of Boredom, Including Many Well-Known Bromidioms Now in Use

OR, THE SULPHITIC THEORY
EXPOUNDED AND EXEMPLIFIED ACCORDING TO THE MOST RECENT RESEARCHES INTO THE PSYCHOLOGY OF BOREDOM
Including many well-known Bromidioms now in use
GELETT BURGESS, S.B.
Author of “Goops and How to Be Them,” “The Burgess Nonsense Book,” “Vivette,” &c., &c.
WITH DECORATIONS BY THE AUTHOR
1906
This essay is reprinted, with revisions and enlargement additions, from “The Sulphitic Theory” published in “The Smart Set” for April, 1906, by consent of the editors.
TO GERTRUDE McCALL CHATELAINE OF MAC MANOR
AND DISCOVERER OF THE SULPHITIC THEORY
In attempting to solve the problem which for so long was the despair of philosophers I have made modest use of the word “theory.” But to the Sulphite, this simple, convincing, comprehensive explanation is more; it is an opinion, even a belief, if not a credo . It is the crux by which society is tested. But as I shall proceed scientifically, my conclusion will, I trust, effect rational proof of what was an a priori hypothesis.
The history of the origin of the theory is brief. The Chatelaine of a certain sugar plantation in Louisiana, in preparing a list of guests for her house-party, discovered, in one of those explosive moments of inspiration, that all people were easily divided into two fundamental groups or families, the Sulphites and the Bromides. The revelation was apodictic, convincing; it made life a different thing; it made society almost plausible. So, too, it simplified human relationship and gave the first hint of a method by which to adjust and equalize affinities. The primary theorems sprang quickly into her mind, and, such is their power, they have attained almost the nature of axioms. The discovery, indeed, was greater, more far-reaching than she knew, for, having undergone the test of philosophical analysis as well as of practical application, it stands, now, a vital, convincing interpretation of the mysteries of human nature.