The Complete Works of Josh Billings
The original printed book was apparently divided into large “sections”, which were marked only as running page headers. In this version the titles for these sections are written between {braces} where they start.
Among the many humorists of America, not one is better known, or more readily accorded a high rank by the public, than Henry W. Shaw (Josh Billings). No writer of the present age is so universally quoted from as he. His name is familiar to every tongue, and scarcely a paper in the country appears without more or less space devoted to the sayings of “Josh Billings.” His ready pen seems adapted to all subjects, and he is equally at home, whether writing on the gravest or the most trivial matters.
PUNGENCY, BREVITY, AND QUAINTNESS
seem to be prominent characteristics of his productions, while a fountain of the richest wit supplies his pen with humor, and its waters sparkle and glimmer like diamonds upon the paper, as he traces thereon his description of objects in his undisputably original style. His jokes are always clear and perceptible, and his satire, pointed and keen, invariably strikes home.
As laughter is conducive to health, and as nothing is learned so easily and remembered so tenaciously as that with which something pleasant is connected, this volume will prove doubly advantageous, as it consists of matter in which wit and wisdom are so equally mingled, that the reader will rise from its perusal undecided whether he has gained most by its reading, bodily health, or general knowledge.
Thousands are eager to place upon their tables and in their libraries a volume which will be a fair specimen of the writings of this great American humorist, and the publishers of this book take great pleasure in being able to offer them an opportunity to gratify so laudable a desire.
THE COMPLETE WORKS
JOSH BILLINGS,
(HENRY W. SHAW.)
WITH ONE HUNDRED ILLUSTRATIONS
BY THOMAS NAST AND OTHERS,
AND
Josh Billings
TRANSCRIBER’S NOTE
PUBLISHERS’ ANNOUNCEMENT.
THE COMPLETE WORKS OF JOSH BILLINGS
TABLE OV KONTENTS.
LIST OF ILLUSTRATIONS.
KONTENTMENT.
MARRIAGE.
FASHION’S PRAYER.
THE BIZZY BODY.
FASTIDIOUSNESS.
LOVE.
FEAR.
BUTY.
FAITH.
BRANES.
SPRING AND BILES.
TIGHT BOOTS.
THE LAM AND THE DOVE.
THE DUV.
THE OLD BACHELOR.
HORNS.
KISSING.
“WHAT I KNO ABOUT PHARMING.”
QUESTIONS AND ANSWERS.
WHISSLING.
HOTELS.
LAFFING.
HOSS SENSE.
SILENCE.
BRAVERY.
DISPATCH.
HOW TO PIK OUT A WIFE.
HOW TEW PIK OUT A WATERMELLON.
HOW TEW PIK OUT A DOG.
HOW TEW PIK OUT A KAT.
LOST ARTS.
HINTS TO COMIK LEKTURERS.
FASHION—FURY—FELLOW—FUN—FUSS—FLUNKY—FRETS—FITS—FINIS.
FASHION.
FUN.
FRET.
FURY.
FITS.
FUSS.
FELLOW.
FLUNKEY.
FINIS.
THE NU FOUNDLAND AND THE TARRIER.
THE RAT TARRIER.
THE MONKEY.
THE PISSMIRE.
THE POLE KAT.
THE WEAZEL.
ANGLE WORMS.
THE MOUSE.
THE YALLER DOG.
ROOSTERS.
THE FOX.
A YARN.—THE AUNT, AND THE GRASSHOPPER.
REMARKS.
A HEN.
THE GOTE.
GOOSE TALK.
“THE CLAM.”
SNAILS, SNAIKS, AND BABYS.
STRIPED SNAKE.
BABYS.
“THE CRAB.”
ESSA ON SWINE.
THE CAT, AND THE KANGAROO.
THE CODFISH.
THE MACKREL.
THE POLLYWOGG.
THE BULL HEAD.
MUDTURKLES.
THE FLY.
THE CROW.
THE BUMBLE BEE.
THE ROBBING.
THE SWALLO.
THE BAT.
THE HAWK.
THE MEDDO MOLE.
THE POSSUM.
THE CURSID MUSKETO.
THE HORNET.
THE RABBIT.
THE POODLE.
THE PATRIDGE.
THE SNIPE.
THE COCKROACH.
THE MULE.
BED BUGS.
THE FLEA.
NOT ENNY SHANGHI FOR ME.
THE AUNT.
SUM SNAIX.
THE ADDER.
THE STRIPED SNAIK.
THE BLUE RACER.
THE BLAK SNAIK.
THE MILK SNAIK.
THE RACCOON, AND THE PETTYFOGGER.
THE FEATHERED ONES.
DUK.
TURKEY.
THE HOSSTRITCH.
THE PARROT.
THE BOBALINK.
THE EAGLE.
NATRAL HISTORY.
KATS.
THE HUM BUGG.
THE BUGG BEAR.
THE GAME CHICKEN.
THE DUK.
THE SANDY HILL CRANE.
MORE SNAIKS.
THE RATTLESNAIX.
THE HOOP SNAIK.
THE ANAKONDY.
THE GARTER SNAIX.
THE EEL SNAIK.
THE SEE SARPENT SNAIX.
THE KOPPER-HED SNAIX.
THE BLU JAY AND OTHERS.
THE BLUJAY.
THE QUAIL.
THE PATRIDGE.
THE WOODKOK.
THE GUINA HEN.
THE GOSLIN.
SMALL-SIZED VERMIN.
THE GRUB.
THE LADY BUG.
THE TREE-TUD.
THE PORKUPINE.
DEVIL’S DARNING NEEDLE.
RAMRODS.
LOBSTIR SALLAD.
MOLLASSIS KANDY.
PUDDIN AND MILK.
PLUM PITS.
CHIPS.
KOARSE SHOT.
SLIPS OF THE PEN.
GLASS DIMONDS.
JEWS HARPS.
TADPOLES.
PEPPER PODS.
JAW BONES.
ODS AND ENS.
FUST IMPRESHUNS.
PLUM PITS.
GNATS.
KINDLING WOOD.
PHISH BAWLS.
STRAY CHILDREN.
INK BRATS.
LIGHTNING BUGS.
PARBOILS.
NEST EGGS.
CHICKEN FEED.
HARD TACK.
SOLLUM THOUGHTS.
INK LINGS.
EMBERS ON THE HARTH.
HOT KORN.
FOUNDLINGS.
DRIED FRUIT.
REMNANTS.
REMARKS.
SAWS.
REMARKS.
NOSEGAYS.
SHOOTING STARS.
THE INTERVIEWER.
THE MUSK RAT.
THE MINK.
THE DISTRIKT SKOOLMASTER.
SINGULAR BEINGS.
THE POMPOUS MAN.
THE ONE IDEA MAN.
THE HAPPY MAN.
THE HENPECKED MAN.
THE OFFICIOUS MAN.
THE PHUNNY MAN.
THE CHEEKY MAN.
THE LIVE MAN.
THE FAULT-FINDER.
JOSH AND THE BORDER INJUN.
THE CUNNING MAN.
FREQUENT KRITTERS.
THE LOAFER.
THE PROJEKTOR.
THE KONDEM PHOOL.
THE PRECISE MAN.
INDIVIDUAL FOLKS.
THE OBTUSE MAN.
THE POSATIFF MAN.
THE CROSS MAN.
THE PASHUNT MAN.
THE FUNNY MAN.
THE HONEST MAN.
PECULIAR ONES.
THE SQUARE MAN.
THE OBLONG MAN.
THE PERPINDIKLAR MAN.
THE LIMBER MAN.
THE JOLLY MAN.
THE PEWTER MAN.
THE FITEING MAN.
THE PRECISE MAN.
COQUETT AND PRUDE.
FOLKS WE ALL KNO.
THE EFFEMINATE MAN.
THE JEALOUS MAN.
THE ANONYMOUS MAN.
THE STIFF MAN.
THE MODEL MAN.
THE NEAT PERSON.
OUR OLDEST INHABITANTS—TWO OF THEM.
JOHN BASCOMB.
ELIZIBETH MEACHEM.
MY FUST GONG.
KORN.
ADVERTIZEMENT.
ADVICE TEW LECTUR KOMMITTYS.
SUPPLEMENTARY.
LETTER TO FARMERS.
A TEMPRANSE KLUB.
PROVERBIAL PIG.
JOSH BILLINGS ADDRESSES THE “FEMAIL PORDUNK SOWING SOSIETY.”
THE FUST BABY.
JOSH BILLINGS UNDER OATH.
JOSH AT NIAGARA FALLS.
SUM VERY BLANK VERSE—THE NEGRO AND THE TROUT.
THE DANDY AND THE THIMBLE-RIGGER.
LONG BRANCH IN SLICES.
BILLIARDS.
HABITS OF GRATE MEN.
JOSH BILLINGS INSURES HIS LIFE.
HOW TEW PICK OUT A GOOD HOSS.
GREAT AGRIKULTURAL HOSS-TROTT.
AT PORDUNK.
FUST DAY.
SEKOND DAY.
THIRD DAY.
FOURTH DAY.
FIFTH DAY.
OATS.
A LAFF.
PASHUNCE OV JOB.
THE GAME OF YEWKER.
BEER.
LAUGHING.
THE ADVENT NO. 2.
QUESTIONS AND ANSWERS.
LONG BRANCH, SARATOGA, AND LAKE GEORGE.
SUM VEGETABEL HISTORY.
NEW ASHFORD.
BENDS.
KOLIDING.
WRITERS AT SHORT RANGE.
BEAU BENNET’S SUPPLIKASHUN.
A LEKTURE TO MALE YOUNG MEN ONLY.
FEMALE REMARKS.
PRIVATE OPINYUNS.
A SUGGESTSHUN.
ON COURTING.
LATEST NUZEPAPER TATLINGS.
JOSH MOUNTS A VELOCIPEDE.
THE RASE KOARSE.
THE TRACK.
THE HOSSES.
FUST HEAT.
REMARKS.
SECKUND HEAT.
BILLINGS LEXICON.
OWLY.
PORDUNK VILLAGE.
4 LETTERS.
JOSH SETTLES UP WITH HIS CORRESPONDENTS SUMMARILY.
A LOOSE BILT EPISTLE.
SHORT REPLYS.
SHORT, BUT SWEET.
JOSH REPLIES.
JOSH BILLINGS CORRESPONDS WITH A “HAIR OIL AND VEGETABLE BITTERS MAN.”
THE GASSY MAN.
THE SHARP MAN.
THE LAZY MAN.
THE NERVOUS MAN.
THE DIGNIFIED MAN.
THE WEAK MAN.
TRANSCRIBER’S NOTE