German wit and humor
GOETHE
GERMAN WIT AND HUMOR
A COLLECTION FROM FAMOUS SOURCES CLASSIFIED UNDER APPROPRIATE SUBJECT HEADINGS
PHILADELPHIA GEORGE W. JACOBS & CO PUBLISHERS
Copyright, 1903, by George W. Jacobs & Company Published, August, 1903
When Eulenspiegel came to Magdeburg—the fame of his notorious pranks having preceded him—several of the best citizens asked him to give them a sample of his buffoonery. He said he would do so, and promised to fly from the roof of a house on the market place. The news spread rapidly, and old and young hurried there to see him fly. For some time Eulenspiegel stood on the low roof, moving his arms and acting as if he were going to fly, then he burst out laughing and cried: “I thought I was the only fool in the world, but I see that here are almost a whole city full of them. If you had told me that you were going to fly, I should not have believed you; and yet you believed me, a well-known fool. How should I be able to fly? I am neither a goose nor any other kind of a bird. I have no wings, and without wings and feathers nobody can fly. Now you see, I told you a falsehood.”
Minna Sophie Marie Baumann Downes
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German Wit and Humor
The Fool’s Lesson
The Wisdom of a Fool
A Good Shot
The One-legged Crane
Justice Obscured by a Pig
The Farmer’s Belief
The Monk’s Trick
A Brief Sermon
A Bright Reply
A Large Recipe
A Trapful
His Turn
A Sympathetic Parson
Delayed Justice
Luck
Somewhat Mixed
The Wrong Man
The Rogue’s Coat
His Wiser Half
Adventures of Baron von Munchhausen
Munchhausen’s Partridges
Munchhausen’s Black Fox
An Enthusiastic Nimrod
Pleasure of Tiger Hunting
A Staff as a Firearm
A Master Shot
Recognized
Never at a Loss
A Malicious Proposition
He Wanted Witnesses
Enlightened Him
The Stolen Deer
A Poor Excuse
A Gunner’s Memory
Improving Opportunities
A Gunning Yarn
A Sign of Recognition
Too Small a Price
Banter
Cautious
Queer
A Dog’s Intelligence
Caught Him
Thoroughly Reformed
He Remembered
Great Consolation
Logic
On a Bear Hunt
A Very Remarkable Shot
A Kind Neighbor
A Good Excuse
Killed One
Age Limit
Contradiction
Somewhat Uncertain
A Gentle Hint
A True Sunday Gunner
A Good Excuse
Consolation
Putting a Stop to Gunners’ Yarns
Depends Upon Which He Strikes
At the Clinic
Absent-Minded
Entered In
At an Operation
At the Hospital
Consistency
The Ruling Passion
The Medicine Chest
Doctors Not Unlike Policemen
Bound to Succeed
The Co-laborers
No Need of a Doctor
Practice Makes Perfect
A Dyeing Patient
Curiosity
The Greater Risk
Lung Trouble
How He Got Home
Out of Joint
Patience
Death Loves a Shining Mark
Rheumatism or Gout
Humor on the Deathbed
Very Ill
Poor Schleiermacher
Who Was Right
A New Cure for Headache
Strange Effects of Alcohol
Good for Asses
Wanted a Return for Her Money
His Reward
Better Than Half a Nose
Kill or Cure
Dr. Schweninger as a Statue
An Uncertain Bargain
Natural Death
“Got You at Last”
Drinks What is Good
Precaution
Reciprocity
Secrets of Medical Science
A Pointed Answer
How He Took the Pills
Had Them in His Head
Too Much Mustard
Fame and Wealth
Rewarded Industry
Secret and Public
Evidence of Dishonesty
Of Course
An Honest Lawyer
Out of Business
Short Work
Question and Answer
At Examination
Suggestive Question
Final Farewell
Saving in Vain
No Criminal
A Modern Solomon
Direct or Indirect
Mortgages
Her Age
It Makes a Difference
Don’t Go
An Acquired Interest
Fatal
A Great Temptation
Misplaced Pathos
Before the Court
Curious to Hear
Among Ourselves
Wished to Confess
A Fatal Cold
Doing the Honors
Needed His Tools
Malicious
Taken Aback
Force of Habit
At the Mercy of the Court
His First Attempt
Difference of Statement
On Time
Doubtful Presents
Unstable Evidence
Willing to Show Him
He Understood
Importance of Being Precise
Objected to Income Tax
A Witness Against His Will
A Pointed Suggestion
On His Side
A Legal Tilt
Finally
Mozart’s Affection
Mozart Before the Emperor
A Rapid Composer
Criticised the Emperor
Mozart’s Generosity
George Friedrich Händel
Reading at Sight
About as Well as the Cook
Home Again
Too Particular
The Villain
F. Joseph Haydn
Haydn’s Strategy
These Brought Contentment
Haydn and the Ship-Captain
Had No Use for Haydn’s Music
Haydn’s Kindness
Franz Schubert
Schubert’s Facility
Orpheus and His Followers
Carpenter and Weber
Singing by Sight
Shoes Versus Music
They Knew Nothing
A Lucrative Position
Ludwig van Beethoven
He Beat the Emperor
Brains Versus an Estate
Forgot to Eat
Beethoven’s Poverty
Beethoven’s Domestic Troubles
Indifference to Dress and Fashion
Remedy for Ennui
Paganini and the Cab Driver
Meyerbeer’s Preference
Rossini and His Watch
He Didn’t Mean It
How a Fugue Was Made
At the Railway Station
Why He Curtained the Window
No Cause for Alarm
Sticking to the Date
A Tough Parrot
Always Demonstrating
Characteristics of European Capitals
That Depends
On a Steamer Between Lauterburg and Worms
Effective
Counted Everything Twice
She Struck It
Constant Change
On the Alps
A Striking Resemblance
How to Secure Notoriety
Complimentary
Running Water
A Scarcity of Something
Ruin Enough
Flooded
Marking the Spot
A Drawback to Wealth
Appreciative Tourist
Prays for All Poor Sinners
What a Pity
The Altitude of the Depth
Couldn’t Hear the Waterfall
Beautiful Sunsets
Soft and Tender
Misunderstood
The East Wind
Frozen Music
Need Not be Told
Cheap Pleasure
No Need of Cows
Had His Choice
A New Driver
Wanted a Cheap Bath
At Home on the Lake
Imported Air
A New Flavor
A Matter of Looks
Flattered
Street Scene of the Future
Luck
Lies Elsewhere
A Pair of Them
Effect
Too Early to Talk
Wouldn’t Appear Ridiculous
Each to His Need
What Papa Brought Home from His Trip
A New Word
Immanuel Kant and His Hostess
The Church Steeples
Goethe as a Skater
Goethe as a Ghost
Goethe’s Gallantry
Goethe or the Devil
Schiller’s Witty Reply
Schiller’s Birthplace
The Difference
An Appropriate Text
A Flash of Wit
The Other Half
A Grave Joke
Linné’s Revenge
Never Drank Water
A Great Advantage
Thorwaldsen’s Teeth
Gone Crazy
Anything But His Medicine
Failed to Appreciate the Laugh
Crebillon’s Choice
Absent-minded
A Hard “Not”
A Frank Answer
Unbiased Opinion
An Interesting Pose
Altruism
Both May Be Mistaken
Very Slow
Stars in the Wrong Places
All Score
Grillparzer and Hebbel
A Sad Waste
Slightly Misunderstood
Gotthold Ephraim Lessing
Forgot to Count the Money
Who He Was
Called Him Names
Absent-minded Men
Force of Habit
Will Call Again
Saphiriana
Lend and Forget
Saphir’s Witty Reply
Case Not Parallel
A Painter’s Stick
According to His Need
Heinrich Heine
To the End
Alexander von Humboldt
A Famous Climber
An Unexpected Find
Murder Will Out
Johann Heinrich Pestalozzi
Taken for a Tramp
Caught for a Thief
His Awkwardness
Melanchthon’s Hobby
Invited Himself to Dinner
Sedan and Ses Dents
The Rothschilds
Wanted to Keep on Growing Old
Risked Life for Wealth
Saved His New Hat
No Great Art
Style Neutral
A Bit of Diplomacy
No Cause for Weeping
Her Private Voice
To a Critic
A Candid Answer
The Prelate and the Singer
Acute Hoarseness
Comforting Words
Forgot to Crow
Don’t Meddle
Very Obliging
The Young Assyrian
Nature, not Art
The Methodist’s View
Asking His Pardon
Peter and the Cock
The Actor’s Generosity
Art and Artist
The Horse-Thief
Truth and Fiction
The Greater Misfortune
Sitting and Standing
The Soldier’s Requisites
Diplomatic
The Recruit’s Use for His Head
An Unconscious Repetition
A Queer Way of Reckoning
The Standing Army
The Odd Pair of Boots
The Jew’s Reasoning
Dense Stupidity
Proved
No Swearing on Sunday
Guarding the Sentry-box
On the Parade-ground
An Important Question
The Listening Angels
Only Two Straws
Marrying for Love
His Own Handkerchief
The Cold Ice
A Charitable Institution
An Unexpected Answer
Saved His Honor
It Depends
More True Than Kind
An Appropriate Gift
Thankful For Anything
The Lost Colonel
Too Cautious
A Pertinent Question
Subordination
Modest
Poison in It
Nothing Else to Do
His Size
He Forgot Himself
A Strenuous Captain
Not Very Clear
Never Deserts
One Thing Forgotten
Rather Mixed
Disagreeable
At the Swimming School
A Cunning Sergeant
Fault of the Target
Couldn’t Ride
The Horse’s Grudge
Condescension
Bivouac Punch
It Depends on His Looks
Too Far Away
For His Helmet’s Sake
A Good Shot
Remedy for Don Juans
No Money, No Gun
The Living and Not the Dead
Good Advice
The Unusual Postilion
The Fourth Vow
The Two Exceptions
The Empty Upper Story
An Effectual Cure
Punished by Proxy
Did Not Stammer When Singing
Without Mercy
He Did Not Understand
In His Majesty’s Service
The King Would Run Too
Would Declare War
The Snuff Box of Frederick the Great
The Bishop’s Cloak
Deserved His Rest
Thoughtfulness for Others
A Double Reward
A Scarcity of Chairs
He Turned the Tables
A Chronic Cough
No Relation
Plenty of Company
No Suggestions Wanted
Cobblers Lacking
Deserved a Title
The Two Moves
Another Victory
Portraits of His Ancestors
Poor Shots
Could Not Whistle For Laughing
Under the Weather Vane
An Unfortunate Remark
A Profitable Call
Dislike of Formality
Too Much Work
Too Hungry for Speeches
Too Much for Him
Through Thick and Thin
He Helped the Donkey
Changed His Order
His Early Reign
Too Much Game
The Greater Lion
At His Expense
The Emperor’s Thoughtfulness
Socks with Knots
A Cause for Thankfulness
Equal to the Occasion
The Day’s Expenses
Contents of the Drawer
That Was Different
Coffee Instead of Water
Had No Use For It
Made For the Boys
A Change of Methods
Presented With a Leg
Followed Instructions
Without Success
No Speeches, Please
Obedience to Rules
Sausage as a Remedy
To Suit All Parties
He Rose
A Novel Signal
Despatch Sending Without Suspicion
The Overburdened Horse
Without Intent
A Monotonous Diet
They Danced to His Music
The Better Cigar
His Winter Wheat
Looked Like One of Them
Wig Instead of Handkerchief
Obvious
Perhaps He Was Right
A Reminder
Long Buried
Remember Me
Gave Him Away
The Persistent Creditor
Watchman or Donkey
He Had the Watch
Knew His Father
An Acquired Taste
Twice Fetched
The Tell-tale Ticket
Wonderful Knowledge
Coffee Not Education
An Apt Retort
The Other Side
His Occasional Look
The Fifth Drink
A New Treatment
An Ambiguous Amendment
A Repetition by Request
He Drank Beer
One Was Enough
Preferred Something Stronger
Two Alike
Ridiculous Idea
Double Dodging
With Intent
She Knew Students
Impossible
Was Prepared
Worse Than He First Thought
Different Ways of Wooing
A Pretty Compliment
A Habit of His
Tender-hearted
When the Tide Comes In
Malady to Suit the Place
He Knew
A Protection
Would Change His Mind
Retaliation
Suited the Case
A Worthy Setting
Women’s Rights
Depends on the Age
Extract From a Love-Letter
Economical Unhappiness
Not What He Expected
To Please Him
Must Scream
The Newest
Painted Angels
No Economy Necessary
Ignorant Professor
The Flirt
The Convenient Grandmother
Sharpening His Teeth
Butter, Then Cheese
Thoroughly Washed
Forethought
To Suit Her Mourning
Inhospitality
Too Literal
A Fatal Mistake
Her Faulty Geography
A New Composer
Eels by the Yard
A Hint
A Young Lady’s Diary on an Ocean Steamer
Toast to Women
A Precaution
A Novice in Gardening
Poor Memory
A Different Meaning
Twenty Years Later
Hard on Him
Her Idea of Rome
Misunderstood
Not Men Pleasers
Depends on the Kind
A Question of Likes
Thought for the Future
Conclusive Evidence
Misery Loves Company
Uncle and the Donkey
The Unsuccessful Ruse
An Ancient Fowl
A Classical Maid
From the Diary of a Singer
Deep Mourning
Without Nerves
Unaccountable Stupidity
A Gentle Hint
A Suggestive Question
The Swan Song
A Slight Misunderstanding
The Boy Understood
A Child’s Request
The Order of Things
A Large Hood
Not to Her Liking
Her Fears
Only the Repair Angel
A Question of Belief
A Rope Without End
The Long Dressing-gown
A Suabian Prussian-hater
Equal to the Occasion
The Last Train
A Questionable Dish
The Host Could Not Leave
Proof Without Doubt
A Question of Numbers
Difference of Opinion
He Could Not Swim
Gave What They Wished
Located at Last
A Wife’s Ten Commandments
Tempi Passati
Forgot His Name
The Lion’s Share
A Pious Wish
The End in Sight
Flattering Likeness
The Stove Smoked
A Novelty
A Wonderful Cure
No Apology Necessary
More Reliable
Easily Explained
A Karlsbad Scheme
A Good Financier
Why Eve Had no Servant
Would Suit Exactly
Reason
There Would Be No Use
Good Advice
Appropriate to Men
A Distinction
Cheap Communication
Objected to Her Mother
His Confession
A la Munchausen
He Found Them
A Horse-thief’s Excuse
The Henpecked Husband
Without Charm
The Janus Statue at Munich
Conscientious
In the Laundry
His Love for Lilacs
His Mistake
Popularity—A Fable
Asked Too Much
A Reliable Guide
An Adjustment of Accounts
Claims to Greatness
Caught
A Shopping Aid
The Very Latest
A Select Neighborhood
Tricks of Fate
Another Consideration
Each Had Its History
Change of Disposition
Taking Man’s Place
Adding Insult to Injury
It Could Accomplish Much
Ill-Luck
Modern Alternative
The Lesser Danger
Extended Payments
Much in Demand
A Modern Dowry
A Polite Gentleman
An Obedient Patient
A Bad Position
Laconic
The Life-Saver
No Danger
Inexperienced
Cautious
Not so Bad as Painted
An Indirect Cure
A Practical Savings-bank
Anonym Did It
A Good Example
Pride of Birth
Logic
The Wrong Way
A Good Excuse
