"Abe" Lincoln's Anecdotes and Stories / A Collection of the Best Stories Told by Lincoln Which Made Him Famous as America's Best Story Teller
Abe Lincoln's Anecdotes and Stories
A COLLECTION OF THE BEST STORIES TOLD BY LINCOLN WHICH MADE HIM FAMOUS AS
AMERICA'S BEST STORY TELLER
Compiled by R. D. WORDSWORTH
THE MUTUAL BOOK COMPANY Publishers BOSTON, MASS.
Compiled, 1908, for The Mutual Book Company
It was once said of Shakespeare that the great mind that conceived the tragedies of Hamlet, Macbeth, etc., would have lost its reason if it had not found vent in the sparkling humor of such comedies as The Merry Wives of Windsor and The Comedy of Errors.
The great strain on the mind of Abraham Lincoln produced by four years of civil war might likewise have overcome his reason had it not found vent in the yarns and stories he constantly told. No more fun-loving or humor-loving man than Abraham Lincoln ever lived. He enjoyed a joke even when it was on himself, and probably, while he got his greatest enjoyment from telling stories, he had a keen appreciation of the humor in those that were told him.
For a while during the Civil War, General Fremont was without a command. One day in discussing Fremont's case with George W. Julian, President Lincoln said he did not know where to place him, and that it reminded him of the old man who advised his son to take a wife, to which the young man responded: All right; whose wife shall I take?
On one occasion when Mr. Lincoln was going to attend a political convention one of his rivals, a liveryman, provided him with a slow horse, hoping that he would not reach his destination in time. Mr. Lincoln got there, however, and when he returned with the horse he said: You keep this horse for funerals, don't you? Oh, no, replied the liveryman. Well, I'm glad of that, for if you did you'd never get a corpse to the grave in time for the resurrection.
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"ABE" LINCOLN'S ANECDOTES AND STORIES
A FUN-LOVING AND HUMOR-LOVING MAN
MATRIMONIAL ADVICE
A SLOW HORSE
A VAIN GENERAL
HAD CONFIDENCE IN HIM—"BUT"—
HARDTACK BETTER THAN GENERALS
DOUGLAS HELD LINCOLN'S HAT
HIS PASSES TO RICHMOND NOT HONORED
LINCOLN AS A DANCER
LOVED SOLDIERS' HUMOR
WANTED TO "BORROW" THE ARMY
"FIXED UP" A BIT FOR THE "CITY FOLKS"
"FIND OUT FOR YOURSELVES"
COLD MOLASSES WAS SWIFTER
"DON'T KILL HIM WITH YOUR FIST"
"AND—HERE I AM!"
PRAISES HIS RIVAL FOR OFFICE
HAD TO WAIT FOR HIM
MAKE SOMETHING OUT OF IT, ANYWAY
SORRY FOR THE HORSES
NOISE LIKE A TURNIP
LET SIX SKUNKS GO
ONE THING "ABE" DIDN'T LOVE
THE MAN HE WAS LOOKING FOR
WANTED STANTON SPANKED
SIX FEET FOUR AT SEVENTEEN
JUST LIKE SEWARD
"ABE" GOT THE WORST OF IT
HE "SET 'EM UP"
GOD WITH A LITTLE "g"
WHAT AILED THE BOYS
"MAJOR-GENERAL, I RECKON"
IT TICKLED THE LITTLE WOMAN
HE'D SEE IT AGAIN
SURE CURE FOR BOILS
JUSTICE vs. NUMBERS
LINCOLN SAW STANTON ABOUT IT
SLEEP STANDING UP
"ABE'S" LITTLE JOKE
HOW "FIGHTING JOE" WAS APPOINTED
NO OTHERS LIKE THEM
THE DANDY AND THE BOYS
BOAT HAD TO STOP
RAN AWAY WHEN VICTORIOUS
HE "SKEWED" THE LINE
"HOW DO YOU GET OUT OF THIS PLACE?"
HELL A MILE FROM THE WHITE HOUSE
'TWAS "MOVING DAY"
"ABE'S" HAIR NEEDED COMBING
RIGHT FOR ONCE, ANYHOW
"SMELT NO ROYALTY IN OUR CARRIAGE"
SOMETHING FOR EVERYONE
REMINDED HIM OF "A LITTLE STORY"
BIG ENOUGH HOG FOR HIM
HOW "JAKE" GOT AWAY
"ABE" RESENTED THE INSULT
STORIES BETTER THAN DOCTORS
"ALL SICKER'N YOUR MAN"
"DID YE ASK MORRISSEY YET?"
LINCOLN ASKED TO BE SHOT
HE COULDN'T WAIT FOR THE COLONEL
HE LOVED A GOOD STORY
THE DEAD MAN SPOKE
LINCOLN PRONOUNCED THIS STORY FUNNY
"PLOUGH ALL 'ROUND HIM"
"I'VE LOST MY APPLE"
LINCOLN'S APOLOGY TO GRANT
A USELESS DOG
HE'D RUIN ALL THE OTHER CONVICTS
IT WAS UP-HILL WORK
HIS "GLASS HACK"
COULD LICK ANY MAN IN THE CROWD
NO DEATHS IN HIS HOUSE
LINCOLN'S NAME FOR "WEEPING WATER"
EASIER TO EMPTY THE POTOMAC
A "FREE FOR ALL"
THE OTHER ONE WAS WORSE
COULD MAKE "RABBIT-TRACKS"
PETER CARTWRIGHT'S DESCRIPTION OF LINCOLN
WISHED THE ARMY CHARGED LIKE THAT
"UNCLE ABRAHAM" HAD EVERYTHING READY
DIDN'T TRUST THE COURT
"TAD" GOT HIS DOLLAR
ROUGH ON THE NEGRO
"LONG ABE'S" FEET "PROTRUDED OVER"
"I'D A BEEN MISSED BY MYSE'F"
LOST HIS CERTIFICATE OF CHARACTER
THE CASE OF BETSY ANN DOUGHERTY
"FOOLING" THE PEOPLE
HER ONLY IMPERFECTION
HE "BROKE" TO WIN
"BAP." McNABB'S ROOSTER
LINCOLN'S FIRST SPEECH
TOO MANY PIGS FOR THE TEATS
MORE PEGS THAN HOLES
FEW, BUT BOISTEROUS
THE PRESIDENTIAL "CHIN-FLY"
"WEBSTER COULDN'T HAVE DONE MORE"
LONG AND SHORT OF IT
'SQUIRE BAGLY'S PRECEDENT
TOM CORWIN'S LATEST STORY
THE CABINET WAS A-SETTIN'
"MASSA LINKUM LIKE DE LORD!"
A BULLET THROUGH HIS HAT
THE GENERAL WAS "HEADED IN"
"MIXING" AND "MINGLING"
WANTED TO BURN HIM DOWN TO THE STUMP
CHALLENGED ALL COMERS
WITHDREW THE COLT
SWEET, BUT MILD REVENGE
"CATCH 'EM AND CHEAT 'EM"
A JURYMAN'S SCORN
"TAD" INTRODUCES "OUR FRIENDS"
STOOD UP THE LONGEST
ADMIRED THE STRONG MAN
SAVED LINCOLN'S LIFE
WOULD BLOW THEM TO H——.
"I CAN STAND IT IF THEY CAN"
A MORTIFYING EXPERIENCE
GRANT HELD ON ALL THE TIME
EVERY LITTLE HELPED
KEPT UP THE ARGUMENT
THOUGHT OF LEARNING A TRADE
THE SAME OLD RUM
COULDN'T LET GO THE HOG
HIS KNOWLEDGE OF HUMAN NATURE
TOOK NOTHING BUT MONEY
CREDITOR PAID DEBTOR'S DEBT
CONSCRIPTING DEAD MEN
MAJOR ANDERSON'S BAD MEMORY
SETTLED OUT OF COURT
NO VANDERBILT
LINCOLN MISTAKEN FOR ONCE
"DONE WITH THE BIBLE"
SATISFACTION TO THE SOUL
HIS TEETH CHATTERED
PROFANITY AS A SAFETY-VALVE
A STAGE-COACH STORY
SENTINEL OBEYED ORDERS
"WUZ GOIN' TER BE 'HITCHED'"
