More toasts: Jokes, stories and quotations
E-text prepared by Suzanne Shell, Sandra Brown, and the Project Gutenberg Online Distributed Proofreading Team
Librarian, Genesee Branch, Rochester (N.Y.) Public Library
The success of the Toaster's Handbook has encouraged its publishers to compile another that will supplement it and bring it up-to-date. New subjects keep coming to the front, and the up-to-date toaster needs up-to-date stories to fit the up-to-date subjects. No public occasion of today is complete without its joke on the nineteenth amendment, the allied debts, the income tax, etc.
In offering the toasts, jokes, quotations and stories in this second volume, the editor has endeavored to bring further aid to the distracted toastmaster, to the professional after-dinner speaker who must change his stories often, and to individuals inexperienced in public speaking and so unfortunate as to have public addresses forced upon them. He views the product with much the same feeling as did Alexander Pope, who said, O'er his books his eyes began to roll, in pleasing memory of all he stole.
Paolo Bellezze expressed the same feelings in the introduction to his work Humor when he said Of this work of mine, I must confess it is a great lot of stuff gathered from everywhere except from my brain.... It is a necklace of pearls strung upon a slender cord; that, I have put there; the pearls have been furnished me by the most famous jewelers, native and foreign. This said, I can—without being accused of pride—recommend it to my respectable customers as an article of great value and of absolute novelty.
In making this collection, files of such magazines as Life, Judge, Puck and Punch were drawn on extensively; also magazines having humorous pages or columns, such as the Literary Digest, Ladies' Home Journal, Everybody's, Harper's; also Bindery Talk and various other house organs. According to Samuel Johnson A man will turn over half a library to make one book, and the compiler of this one makes humble acknowledgment to a whole library of books and periodicals where most of these jokes have already appeared. It has been impossible to give credit unless the place of first publication was definitely known.
Unknown
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MORE TOASTS
MARION DIX MOSHER
Contents
PREFACE
INTRODUCTION
MORE TOASTS
ABSENT-MINDEDNESS
ACCIDENTS
ACCURACY
ACTORS AND ACTRESSES
ADVERTISING
ADVICE
AFTER DINNER SPEECHES
AGE
AGRICULTURE
ALARM CLOCKS
ALIBI
ALIMONY
ALPHABET
ALTERNATIVES
AMBITION
AMERICANS
AMUSEMENTS
ANCESTRY
ANIMALS
ANTICIPATION
ANTIQUES
APARTMENTS
APPEARANCES
APPETITE
APPLAUSE
ARITHMETIC
ARMIES
ART AND ARTISTS
ASTRONOMY
AUTHORS
AUTHORSHIP
AUTOMOBILE TOURISTS
AUTOMOBILES AND AUTOMOBILING
AVIATION
BACHELORS
BAGGAGE
BALDNESS
BANKS AND BANKING
BAPTISM
BAPTISTS
BARGAINS
BASEBALL
BATHS AND BATHING
BEAUTY, PERSONAL
BEGGING
BEQUESTS
BETTING
BIBLE INTERPRETATION
BIGAMY
BILLS
BLUFFING
BOARD OF HEALTH
BOARDING HOUSES
BOASTING
BOLSHEVISM
BOOKS AND READING
BOOKSELLERS AND BOOKSELLING
BOOMERANGS
BOOSTING
BORROWERS
BOSTON
BOY SCOUTS
BOYS
BRIDES
BROOKLYN
BROTHERHOOD
BURBANK
BUSINESS
BUSINESS ENTERPRISE
BUSINESS ETHICS
BUSINESS WOMEN
CAMPAIGNS
CANDIDATES
CANDOR
CAPITAL AND LABOR
CARD INDEX
CARELESSNESS
CATALOGING
CAUSE AND EFFECT
CAUTION
CHARACTER
CHARITY
CHEERFULNESS
CHICKEN STEALING
CHILD LABOR
CHILDREN
CHOICES
CHRISTIAN SCIENTISTS
CHRISTMAS GIFTS
CHURCH
CHURCH ATTENDANCE
CHURCH DISCIPLINE
CITIZENS
CITY AND COUNTRY
CIVICS
CIVILIZATION
CLASS DISTINCTIONS
CLEANLINESS
CLERGY
CLOTHING
CLUBS
COAL
COFFEE
COLLECTING OF ACCOUNTS
COLLECTION BOX
COLLEGE GRADUATES
COLLEGE STUDENTS
COLLEGES AND UNIVERSITIES
COMMITTEE
COMMON SENSE
COMMUNISM
COMMUTERS
COMPARISONS
COMPENSATION
COMPETITION
COMPLIMENTS
CONCEIT
CONDUCT
CONFESSIONS
CONFIDENCES
CONGRESS
CONSCIENCE
CONSCRIPTION
CONSERVATIVES
CONSOLATION
CONTENTMENT
CONTRIBUTION BOX
CONUNDRUMS
COOKERY
COOKS
COOPERATION
CORPULENCE
CORRESPONDENCE SCHOOLS
COSMOPOLITANISM
COST OF LIVING
COUNTRY LIFE
COURAGE
COURTESY
COURTS
COURTSHIP
CREDIT
CRIME
CRITICISM
CULTURE
CURES
CURIOSITY
CURRENT EVENTS
CUSTOM
DACHSHUNDS
DAMAGES
DANCING
DAYLIGHT SAVING
DEAD BEATS
DEBTS
DEGREES
DEMAGOG
DEMOCRACY
DENTISTS
DEPARTMENT STORES
DESTINATION
DETECTIVES
DETERMINATION
DIAGNOSIS
DILEMMAS
DINING
DIPLOMACY
DISARMAMENT
DISCHARGE
DISCIPLINE
DISCOUNTS
DISCRETION
DISPOSITION
DISTANCES
DIVORCE
DOCTORS
DOGS
DOMESTIC FINANCE
DOMESTIC RELATIONS
DREAMS
DRINKING
DRUNKARDS
DUTCH
DYSPEPSIA
EATING
ECONOMY
EDITORS
EDUCATION
EFFICIENCY
EGOTISM
EINSTEIN
EMBARRASSING SITUATIONS
EMPLOYERS AND EMPLOYEES
ENEMIES
ENGLISH LANGUAGE
ENGLISHMEN
ENTHUSIASM
EPIGRAMS
EPITAPHS
EQUALITY
ETIQUET
EUROPEAN WAR
EUROPEAN WAR—POEMS
EVIDENCE
EXAGGERATION
EXAMINATIONS
EXCUSES
EXECUTIVE ABILITY
EXPENSES
EXPERIENCE
EXTRAVAGANCE
FAILURES
FAME
FAMILIES
FARMING
FASHION
FATE
FATHERS
FAULTS
FEES
FICTION
FIGHTING
FINANCE
FISH
FISHERMEN
FISHING
FLATTERY
FOOD
FOOD CONSERVATION
FOOLS
FORDS
FOREIGNERS
FORESIGHT
FORGETFULNESS
FORTUNE HUNTERS
FOUNTAIN PENS
FRANKLIN
FREAKS
FREE VERSE
FREEDOM OF SPEECH
FRENCH LANGUAGE
FRIENDS
FRIENDSHIP
FUTURE
FUTURE LIFE
FUTURIST ART
GAMBLING
GARAGES
GARDENING
GAS
GENEROSITY
GENIUS
GEOGRAPHY
GERMANY
GERMS
GIFTS
GIRLS
GOD
GOLF
GOSSIP
GOVERNMENT OWNERSHIP
GRATITUDE
GUARANTEES
HABIT
HADES
HAPPINESS
HASH
HASTE
HEAVEN
HELL
HEREDITY
HEROES
HIGH COST OF LIVING
HINTING
HISTORY
HOME
HOME BREW
HOMELINESS
HOMESICK
HONESTY
HORSES
HOSPITALITY
HOSPITALS
HOTEL BIBLES
HOTELS
HOUSING PROBLEM
HUNGER
HUNTING
HURRY
HUSBANDS
HYPOCRISY
HYSTERICS
"IF"
IGNORANCE
ILLUSIONS AND HALLUCINATIONS
IMITATION
IMMIGRANTS
IMPUDENCE
INCOME TAX
INDUSTRY
INFANTS
INFLUENZA
INHERITANCE
INITIATIVE
INSOMNIA
INSTALMENT PLAN
INSURANCE, FIRE
INSURANCE, LIFE
INTERVIEWS
INVESTMENTS
IRELAND
IRISH BULLS
IRISHMEN
JEWS
JOKES
JOURNALISM
JUDGES
JUDGMENT
JURY
JUSTICE
KINDNESS
KINGS AND RULERS
KISSES
KNOWLEDGE
LABOR AND CAPITAL
LABOR AND LABORING CLASSES
LABOR-SAVING DEVICES
LADIES
LANGUAGES
LAUGHTER
LAUNDRY
LAWS
LAWYERS
LAZINESS
LEAGUE OF NATIONS
LEAP YEAR
LEFT HANDEDNESS
LEGISLATION
LEGISLATORS
LEISURE
LIARS
LIBERTY BONDS
LIBRARIANS
LIBRARIES
LIES
LIFE
LISPING
LOGIC
LONDON
LOST AND FOUND
LOVE
LUCK
MAGAZINES
MAJORITY
MARKSMANSHIP
MARRIAGE
MASCOTS
MATHEMATICS
MATRIMONY
MEASURING INSTRUMENTS
MEDALS
MEDICAL ETHICS
MEDICINE
MEMORY
MEN
METHODISTS
MIDDLEMAN
MILITARISM
MILITARY DISCIPLINE
MILK
MILLENNIUM
MILLINERS
MILLIONAIRES
MINISTERS
MISERS
MISTAKEN IDENTITY
MISTAKES
MONEY
MONEY LENDER
MORAL EDUCATION
MOSQUITOES
MOTHERS
MOTHERS' DAY
MOTHERS-IN-LAW
MOVING PICTURES
MULES
MUSHROOMS
MUSIC
MUSICIANS
NAMES, PERSONAL
NATIONALITY
NATURAL LAWS
NEGROES
NEIGHBORS
NEW JERSEY
NEW YORK CITY
NEWSBOYS
NEWSPAPERS
"NO"
NOTHING
NURSES
OBEDIENCE
OBESITY
OBITUARIES
OCCUPATIONS
OCEAN TRAVEL
OFFICE BOYS
OFFICE-SEEKERS
OFFICERS
OLD AGE
OLD CLOTHES
OPPORTUNITY
OPTIMISM
ORIGINALITY
OSTRICH
OUIJA BOARD
PARENTS
PARROTS
PARTNERSHIP
PEACE
PEDESTRIANS
PENMANSHIP
PEP
PERCENTAGE
PERSISTENCE
PERSUASION
PESSIMISM
PHILADELPHIA
PHILANTHROPISTS
PHILOSOPHY
PHYSICIANS AND SURGEONS
PITTSBURG
PLEASURE
POETRY
POETS
POLICE
POLITENESS
POLITICAL PARTIES
POLITICIANS
POLITICS
POSTAL SERVICE
POVERTY
PRAISE
PRAYERS
PREACHING
PREJUDICE
PREPAREDNESS
PRESCRIPTIONS
PRETENSION
PRICES
PRIDE
PRINTERS
PRISONS
PROFANITY
PROFESSIONS
PROFITEERS
PROGRESS
PROHIBITION
PROMOTERS
PROMPTNESS
PRONUNCIATION
PROPERTY
PROPOSALS
PROSPERITY
PSYCHOLOGICAL MOMENT
PSYCHOLOGY
PUBLIC, THE
PUBLIC SCHOOLS
PUBLIC SPEAKERS
PUBLISHERS
PUNCTUALITY
PUNCTUATION
PUNISHMENT
PUNS
PURGATORY
QUAKERS
QUESTIONS
RADICALS
RAILROADS
READING
REAL ESTATE
REAL ESTATE AGENTS
REALISM
RECOMMENDATIONS
RECRUITING
RED TAPE
REGRETS
RELATIVES
RELIGIONS
REMEDIES
REMINDERS
REPARTEE
REPORTING
REPUTATION
REST CURE
RESTAURANTS
RETALIATION
ROADS
ROOSEVELT, THEODORE
RUINS
RUMMAGE SALES
SACRIFICES
SAFETY
SALARIES
SALESMEN AND SALESMANSHIP
SALVATION
SAVING
SCANDAL
SCHOLARSHIP
SCHOOLS
SCIENTIFIC MANAGEMENT
SCOTCH, THE
SEASICKNESS
SECRETS
SELF-MADE MEN
SENATE
SENATORS
SENSE OF HUMOR
SENTRIES
SERMONS
SERVANTS
SERVICE
SERVICE STAR
SHOPPING
SIGHT SEEING
SIGNS
SILENCE
SIMPLIFIED SPELLING
SIN
SINGERS
SKEPTICS
SLANG
SMILES
SMOKING
SNOBBERY
SOCIALISTS
SOCIETY
SOCIOLOGY
SOLDIERS
SOUND
SOUVENIRS
SPECULATION
SPEED
SPELLING
SPINSTERS
STAMMERING
STAMPS
STATISTICS
STENOGRAPHERS
STOCK EXCHANGE
STRATEGY
STREET-CARS
STRIKES
SUBSTITUTES
SUBURBS
SUBWAYS
SUCCESS
SUITORS
SUMMER RESORTS
SUNDAY
SUNDAY SCHOOLS
SUPERSTITION
SURPRISE
SYMPATHY
SYNONYMS
TACT
TALKERS
TARDINESS
TAX
TEACHERS
TEACHING
TEARS
TELEGRAPH
TELEPHONE
TEMPER
TEMPERANCE
TEMPTATION
TEN COMMANDMENTS
THEATER
THERMOMETER
THIEVES
THRIFT
TIDES
TIME
TIPS
TOURISTS
TRADE
TRADE MARKS
TRADE UNIONS
TRAMPS
TRAVELERS
TREES
TRENCHES
TROUBLE
TRUTH
UMBRELLAS
UNEXPECTED
UNITED STATES
VACATIONS
VALUE
VANITY
VEGETARIANS
VENTILATION
VOICE
VOTING
WAGES
WAR
WEALTH
WEATHER
WEDDINGS
WELSH
WESTMINSTER ABBEY
WHISKY
WIDOWS
WINDOWS
WISDOM
WISHES
WITNESSES
WIVES
WOMAN
WOMAN SUFFRAGE
WOMAN'S RIGHTS
WORK
WORRY
YOUTH
ZONES