The Wit and Humor of America, Volume X (of X)

Transcriber's Note: The index is not linked, but to aid in finding items through the index, the following list contains the page numbers covered in each volume: Volume 1 - 1 - 220 Volume 2 - 221 - 402 Volume 3 - 403 - 584 Volume 4 - 585 - 802 Volume 5 is not Library Edition and has different page numbering Volume 6 - 985 - 1216 Volume 7 - 1217 - 1398 Volume 8 - 1399 - 1634 Volume 9 - 1635 - 1800 Volume 10 - 1801 - 2042
FRANK L. STANTON

Never rains where Jim is— People kickin', whinin'; He goes round insistin',— Sun is almost shinin'! Never's hot where Jim is— When the town is sweatin'; He jes' sets and answers,— Well, I ain't a-frettin'! Never's cold where Jim is— None of us misdoubt it, Seein' we're nigh frozen! He ain't thought about it ! Things that rile up others Never seem to strike him! Trouble-proof, I call it,— Wisht that I was like him!
My pa—he always went to school, He says, an' studied hard. W'y, when he's just as big as me He knew things by the yard! Arithmetic? He knew it all From dividend to sum; But when he tells me how it was, My grandma, she says Hum! My pa—he always got the prize For never bein' late; An' when they studied joggerfy He knew 'bout every state. He says he knew the rivers, an' Knew all their outs an' ins; But when he tells me all o' that, My grandma, she just grins. My pa, he never missed a day A-goin' to the school, An' never played no hookey, nor Forgot the teacher's rule; An' every class he's ever in, The rest he always led. My grandma, when pa talks that way, Just laughs an' shakes her head. My grandma says 'at boys is boys, The same as pas is pas, An' when I ast her what she means She says it is because. She says 'at little boys is best When they grows up to men, Because they know how good they was, An' tell their children, then!
Never spare the parson's wine, nor the baker's pudding.
A house without woman or firelight is like a body without soul or spirit.
Kings and bears often worry their keepers.