Toaster's Handbook: Jokes, Stories, and Quotations
Nothing so frightens a man as the announcement that he is expected to respond to a toast on some appallingly near-by occasion. All ideas he may ever have had on the subject melt away and like a drowning man he clutches furiously at the nearest solid object. This book is intended for such rescue purpose, buoyant and trustworthy but, it is to be hoped, not heavy.
Let the frightened toaster turn first to the key word of his topic in this dictionary alphabet of selections and perchance he may find toast, story, definition or verse that may felicitously introduce his remarks. Then as he proceeds to outline his talk and to put it into sentences, he may find under one of the many subject headings a bit which will happily and scintillatingly drive home the ideas he is unfolding.
While the larger part of the contents is humorous, there are inserted many quotations of a serious nature which may serve as appropriate literary ballast.
The jokes and quotes gathered for the toaster have been placed under the subject headings where it seemed that they might be most useful, even at the risk of the joke turning on the compilers. To extend the usefulness of such pseudo-cataloging, cross references, similar and dissimilar to those of a library card catalog, have been included.
Should a large number of the inclusions look familiar, let us remark that the friends one likes best are those who have been already tried and trusted and are the most welcome in times of need. However, there are stories of a rising generation, whose acquaintance all may enjoy.
Nearly all these new and old friends have before this made their bow in print and since it rarely was certain where they first appeared, little attempt has been made to credit any source for them. The compilers hereby make a sweeping acknowledgment to the funny editors of many books and periodicals.
Man, says Hazlitt, is the only animal that laughs and weeps, for he is the only animal that is struck with the difference between what things are and what they ought to be. The sources, then, of laughter and tears come very close together. At the difference between things as they are and as they ought to be we laugh, or we weep; it would depend, it seems, on the point of view, or the temperament. And if, as Horace Walpole once said, Life is a comedy to those who think, a tragedy to those who feel, it is the thinking half of humanity that, at the sight of life's incongruities, is moved to laughter, the feeling half to tears. A sense of humor, then, is the possession of the thinking half, and the humorists must be classified at once with the thinkers.
Unknown
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TOASTER'S HANDBOOK
JOKES, STORIES, AND QUOTATIONS
PEGGY EDMUND
HAROLD WORKMAN WILLIAMS
MARY KATHARINE REELY
1916
CONTENTS
PREFACE
ON THE POSSESSION OF A SENSE OF HUMOR
TOASTERS, TOASTMASTERS AND TOASTS
TOASTER'S HANDBOOK
ABILITY
ABOLITION
ABSENT-MINDEDNESS
ACCIDENTS
ACTING
ACTORS AND ACTRESSES
ADAPTATION
ADDRESSES
ADVERTISING
ADVICE
AERONAUTICS
AEROPLANES
AFTER DINNER SPEECHES
AGE
AGENTS
AGRICULTURE
ALARM CLOCKS
ALERTNESS
ALIBI
ALIMONY
ALLOWANCES
ALTERNATIVES
ALTRUISM
AMBITION
AMERICAN GIRL
AMERICANS
AMUSEMENTS
ANATOMY
ANCESTRY
ANGER
ANNIVERSARIES
ANTIDOTES
APPEARANCES
APPLAUSE
ARBITRATION INTERNATIONAL
ARITHMETIC
ARMIES
ARMY RATIONS
ART
ARTISTS
ATHLETES
ATTENTION
AUTHORS
AUTOMOBILES
AUTOMOBILING
AVIATION
AVIATORS
BABIES
BACCALAUREATE SERMONS
BACTERIA
BADGES
BAGGAGE
BALDNESS
BANKS AND BANKING
BAPTISM
BAPTISTS
BARGAINS
BASEBALL
BATHS AND BATHING
BAZARS
BEARDS
BEAUTY
BEAUTY, PERSONAL
BEDS
BEER
BEES
BEETLES
BEGGING
BETTING
BIBLE INTERPRETATION
BIGAMY
BILLS
BIRTHDAYS
BLUFFING
BLUNDERS
BOASTING
BONANZAS
BOOKKEEPING
BOOKS AND READING
BOOKSELLERS AND BOOKSELLING
BOOKWORMS
BOOMERANGS
BORES
BORROWERS
BOSSES
BOSTON
BOXING
BOYS
BREAKFAST FOODS
BREATH
BREVITY
BRIBERY
BRIDES
BRIDGE WHIST
BROOKLYN
BRYAN, WILLIAM JENNINGS
BUILDINGS
BURGLARS
BUSINESS
BUSINESS ENTERPRISE
BUSINESS ETHICS
BUSINESS WOMEN
CAMPAIGNS
CAMPING
CANDIDATES
CANNING AND PRESERVING
CAPITALISTS
CAREFULNESS
CARPENTERS
CARVING
CASTE
CATS
CAUSE AND EFFECT
CAUTION
CHAMPAGNE
CHARACTER
CHARITY
CHICAGO
CHICKEN STEALING
CHILD LABOR
CHILDREN
CHOICES
CHOIRS
CHRISTIAN SCIENTISTS
CHRISTIANS
CHRISTMAS GIFTS
CHRONOLOGY
CHURCH ATTENDANCE
CHURCH DISCIPLINE
CIRCUS
CIVILIZATION
CLEANLINESS
CLERGY
CLIMATE
CLOTHING
CLUBS
COAL DEALERS
COEDUCATION
COFFEE
COINS
COLLECTING OF ACCOUNTS
COLLECTORS AND COLLECTING
COLLEGE GRADUATES
COLLEGE STUDENTS
COLLEGES AND UNIVERSITIES
COMMON SENSE
COMMUTERS
COMPARISONS
COMPENSATION
COMPETITION
COMPLIMENTS
COMPOSERS
COMPROMISES
CONFESSIONS
CONGRESS
CONGRESSMEN
CONSCIENCE
CONSEQUENCES
CONSIDERATION
CONSTANCY
CONTRIBUTION BOX
CONUNDRUMS
CONVERSATION
COOKERY
COOKS
CORNETS
CORNS
CORPULENCE
COSMOPOLITANISM
COST OF LIVING
COUNTRY LIFE
COURAGE
COURTESY
COURTS
COURTSHIP
COWARDS
COWS
CRITICISM
CRUELTY
CUCUMBERS
CULTURE
CURFEW
CURIOSITY
CYCLONES
DACHSHUNDS
DAMAGES
DANCING
DEAD BEATS
DEBTS
DEER
DEGREES
DEMOCRACY
DEMOCRATIC PARTY
DENTISTRY
DENTISTS
DESCRIPTION
DESIGN, DECORATIVE
DESTINATION
DETAILS
DETECTIVES
DETERMINATION
DIAGNOSIS
DIET
DILEMMAS
DINING
DIPLOMACY
DISCIPLINE
DISCOUNTS
DISCRETION
DISPOSITION
DISTANCES
DIVORCE
DOGS
DOMESTIC FINANCE
DOMESTIC RELATIONS
DRAMA
DRAMATIC CRITICISM
DRAMATISTS
DRESSMAKERS
DRINKING
DROUGHTS
DRUNKARDS
DYSPEPSIA
ECHOES
ECONOMY
EDITORS
EDUCATION
EFFICIENCY
EGOTISM
ELECTIONS
ELECTRICITY
EMBARRASSING SITUATIONS
EMPLOYERS AND EMPLOYEES
ENEMIES
ENGLAND
ENGLISH LANGUAGE
ENGLISHMEN
ENTHUSIASM
EPITAPHS
EPITHETS
EQUALITY
ERMINE
ESCAPES
ETHICS
ETIQUET
EUROPEAN WAR
EVIDENCE
EXAMINATIONS
EXCUSES
EXPOSURE
EXTORTION
EXTRAVAGANCE
FAILURES
FAITH
FAITHFULNESS
FAME
FAMILIES
FAREWELLS
FASHION
FATE
FATHERS
FAULTS
FEES
FEET
FIGHTING
FINANCE
FINGER-BOWLS
FIRE DEPARTMENTS
FIRE ESCAPES
FIRES
FIRST AID IN ILLNESS AND INJURY
FISH
FISHERMEN
FISHING
FLATS
FLATTERY
FLIES
FLIRTATION
FLOWERS
FOOD
FOOTBALL
FORDS
FORECASTING
FORESIGHT
FORGETFULNESS
FORTUNE HUNTERS
FOUNTAIN PENS
FOURTH OF JULY
FREAKS
FREE THOUGHT
FRENCH LANGUAGE
FRESHMEN
FRIENDS
FRIENDS, SOCIETY OF
FRIENDSHIP
FUN
FUNERALS
FURNITURE
FUTURE LIFE
GARDENING
GAS STOVES
GENEROSITY
GENTLEMEN
GERMANS
GHOSTS
GIFTS
GLUTTONY
GOLF
GOOD FELLOWSHIP
GOSSIP
GOVERNMENT OWNERSHIP
GOVERNORS
GRAFT
GRATITUDE
GREAT BRITAIN
GRIEF
GUARANTEES
GUESTS
HABIT
HADES
HAPPINESS
HARNESSING
HARVARD UNIVERSITY
HASH
HASTE
HEALTH RESORTS
HEARING
HEAVEN
HEIRLOOMS
HELL
HEREDITY
HEROES
HINTING
HOME
HOMELINESS
HOMESTEADS
HONESTY
HONOR
HOPE
HORSES
HOSPITALITY
HOSTS
HOTELS
HUNGER
HUNTING
HURRY
HUSBANDS
HYBRIDIZATION
HYPERBOLE
HYPOCRISY
IDEALS
ILLUSIONS AND HALLUCINATIONS
IMAGINATION
IMITATION
INFANTS
INQUISITIVENESS
INSANITY
INSPIRATIONS
INSTALMENT PLAN
INSTRUCTIONS
INSURANCE, LIFE
INSURANCE BLANKS
INSURGENTS
INTERVIEWS
INVITATIONS
IRISH BULLS
IRISHMEN
IRREVERENCE
JEWELS
JEWS
JOKES
JOURNALISM
JUDGES
JUDGMENT
JURY
JUSTICE
JUVENILE DELINQUENCY
KENTUCKY
KINDNESS
KINGS AND RULERS
KISSES
KNOWLEDGE
KULTUR
LABOR AND LABORING CLASSES
LADIES
LANDLORDS
LANGUAGES
LAUGHTER
LAW
LAWYERS
LAZINESS
LEAP YEAR
LEGISLATORS
LIARS
LIBERTY
LIBRARIANS
LIFE
LISPING
LOST AND FOUND
LOVE
LOYALTY
LUCK
MAINE
MAKING GOOD
MALARIA
MARKS(WO)MANSHIP
MARRIAGE
MARRIAGE FEES
MATHEMATICS
MATRIMONY
MEASURING INSTRUMENTS
MEDICAL INSPECTION OF SCHOOLS
MEDICINE
MEEKNESS
MEMORIALS
MEMORY
MEN
MESSAGES
METAPHOR
MICE
MIDDLE CLASSES
MILITANTS
MILITARY DISCIPLINE
MILLINERS
MILLIONAIRES
MINORITIES
MISERS
MISSIONARIES
MISSIONS
MISTAKEN IDENTITY
MOLLYCODDLES
MONEY
MORAL EDUCATION
MOSQUITOES
MOTHERS
MOTHERS-IN-LAW
MOTORCYCLES
MOUNTAINS
MOVING PICTURES
MUCK-RAKING
MULES
MUNICIPAL GOVERNMENT
MUSEUMS
MUSIC
MUSICIANS
NAMES, PERSONAL
NATIVES
NATURE LOVERS
NAVIGATION
NEATNESS
NEGROES
NEIGHBORS
NEW JERSEY
NEW YORK CITY
NEWS
NEWSPAPERS
OBESITY
OBITUARIES
OBSERVATION
OCCUPATIONS
OCEAN
OFFICE BOYS
OFFICE-SEEKERS
OLD AGE
OLD MASTERS
ONIONS
OPERA
OPPORTUNITY
OPTIMISM
ORATORS
OUTDOOR LIFE
PAINTING
PAINTINGS
PANICS
PARENTS
PARROTS
PARTNERSHIP
PASSWORDS
PATIENCE
PATRIOTISM
PENSIONS
PESSIMISM
PHILADELPHIA
PHILANTHROPISTS
PHILOSOPHY
PHYSICIANS AND SURGEONS
PICKPOCKETS
PINS
PITTSBURG
PLAY
PLEASURE
POETRY
POETS
POLICE
POLITENESS
POLITICAL PARTIES
POLITICIANS
POLITICS
POVERTY
PRAISE
PRAYER MEETINGS
PRAYERS
PREACHING
PRESCRIPTIONS
PRESENCE OF MIND
PRINTERS
PRISONS
PRODIGALS
PROFANITY
PROHIBITION
PROMOTING
PROMOTION
PROMPTNESS
PRONUNCIATION
PROPORTION
PROPOSALS
PROPRIETY
PROSPERITY
PROTESTANT EPISCOPAL CHURCH
PROTESTANTS
PROVIDENCE
PROVINCIALISM
PUBLIC SERVICE CORPORATIONS
PUBLIC SPEAKERS
PUNISHMENT
PUNS
PURE FOOD
QUARRELS
QUESTIONS
QUOTATIONS
RACE PREJUDICES
RACE PRIDE
RACE SUICIDE
RACES
RAILROADS
RAPID TRANSIT
READING
REAL ESTATE AGENTS
REALISM
RECALL
RECOMMENDATIONS
RECONCILIATIONS
REFORMERS
REGRETS
REHEARSALS
RELATIVES
RELIGIONS
REMEDIES
REMINDERS
REPARTEE
REPORTING
REPUBLICAN PARTY
REPUTATION
RESEMBLANCES
RESIGNATION
RESPECTABILITY
REST CURE
RETALIATION
REVOLUTIONS
REWARDS
RHEUMATISM
ROADS
ROASTS
ROOSEVELT, THEODORE
SALARIES
SALESMEN AND SALESMANSHIP
SALOONS
SALVATION
SAVING
SCANDAL
SCHOLARSHIP
SCHOOLS
SCIENTIFIC MANAGEMENT
SCOTCH, THE
SEASICKNESS
SEASONS
SENATORS
SENSE OF HUMOR
SENTRIES
SERMONS
SERVANTS
SHOPPING
SHYNESS
SIGNS
SILENCE
SIN
SINGERS
SKATING
SKY-SCRAPERS
SLEEP
SMILES
SMOKING
SNEEZING
SNOBBERY
SNORING
SOCIALISTS
SOCIETY
SOLECISMS
SONS
SOUVENIRS
SPECULATION
SPEED
SPINSTERS
SPITE
SPRING
STAMMERING
STATESMEN
STATISTICS
STEAK
STEAM
STEAMSHIPS AND STEAMBOATS
STENOGRAPHERS
STOCK BROKERS
STRATEGY
SUBWAYS
SUCCESS
SUFFRAGETTES
SUICIDE
SUMMER RESORTS
SUNDAY
SUNDAY SCHOOLS
SUPERSTITION
SURPRISE
SWIMMERS
SYMPATHY
SYNONYMS
TABLE MANNERS
TACT
TAFT, WILLIAM HOWARD
TALENT
TALKERS
TARDINESS
TARIFF
TASTE
TEACHERS
TEARS
TEETH
TELEPHONE
TEMPER
TEMPERANCE
TEXAS
TEXTS
THEATER
THIEVES
THIN PEOPLE
THRIFT
TIDES
TIME
TIPS
TITLES OF HONOR AND NOBILITY
TOASTS
TOBACCO
TOURISTS
TRADE UNIONS
TRAMPS
TRANSMUTATION
TRAVELERS
TREASON
TREES
TRIGONOMETRY
TROUBLE
TRUSTS
TRUTH
TURKEYS
TUTORS
TWINS
UMBRELLAS
VALUE
VANITY
VERSATILITY
VOICE
WAGES
WAITERS
WAR
WARNINGS
WASHINGTON, GEORGE
WASPS
WASTE
WEALTH
WEATHER
WEDDING ANNIVERSARIES
WEDDING PRESENTS
WEDDINGS
WEIGHTS AND MEASURES
WELCOMES
WEST, THE
WHISKY
WHISKY BREATH
WIDOWS
WIND
WINDFALLS
WINE
WISHES
WITNESSES
WIVES
WOMAN
WOMAN SUFFRAGE
WOMEN'S CLUBS
WORDS
WORK
WORMS
YALE UNIVERSITY
YONKERS
"YOU"
ZONES