GOLF
CHAPTER I
The documents in the case are these:
Him to Me
"Come and play golf on Thursday. What is your handicap? I expect you will be too good for me."
Me to Him
"MY GOOD THOMAS,—Don't be silly. I will play you at cricket, tennis, lawn tennis, football (both codes), croquet, poker-patience, high diving and here-we-go-round-the-mulberry-bush. If you insist, I will take you on at prisoners' base and billiards. Moreover I can dance the pavane. Yours ever,
"ADOLPHUS
"P.S.—Anyhow, I haven't any clubs."
Him to Me
"MY DEAR ASS,—I gather that you aren't a golfer; well, why not begin on Thursday? There will be nobody else playing probably. Meet me at Victoria eleven-five. My brother is away, and I will lend you his clubs."
Me to Him
(Telegram)
"Is your brother out of England? Wire reply."
Him to Me
"Yes. Sicily."
Me to Him
"Right you are then."
CHAPTER II
"You know," I said to Thomas in the train, "I have played a little on a very small island off the coast of Scotland, but it was such a very small island that we never used a driver at all, or—what's that other thing called?—a brassy. We should have been into the sea in no time. But I rather fancy myself with a putter."
"You might go round with a putter to-day."
"I might, but I sha'n't. I expect to use the wooden clubs with great ease and dexterity. And I think you will find that I can do some business with the mashie. What's a niblick?"
"The thing you get out of bunkers with."
"Then I sha'n't want that."
CHAPTER III
The fateful moment arrived. Thomas presented me with a ball called the Colonel, and a caddie offered me Thomas's brother's driver. He also asked me what sort of tee I should like.
I leant upon my club and looked at him. Then I turned to Thomas.
"Our young friend Hector," I said, "is becoming technical. Will you explain?"
"Well, do you want a high or a low one?"
"I want to hit this Colonel ball very hard in the direction of that flag. What do you recommend?"
"Well, that's just as you——"
"I think a medium one. Slow to medium."
The preliminaries being arranged, I proceeded to address the ball. My own instinct was to take the address as read and get to business as soon as possible, but in the presence of an expert like Hector I did not dare to omit the trimmings. As it was, after every waggle I felt less and less like hitting the Colonel. When at last I did let fly it was with feelings of relief that I discovered, on returning an eye to the spot, that the tee was indeed empty. I shaded my eyes and gazed into the middle distance.
"No," said Thomas, "it's more to the right." He indicated a spot in the foreground, about ten yards E.N.E. "There you are."
"That isn't my ball."
"Yes, sir," said Hector, grinning.
"May I have it back?"
Thomas laughed and smote his own into the blue. "You go on from there," he said.
"I'm still aiming at the same flag?"
"Go on, you ass."
I went on. The ball again rolled ten yards to the east.
"I don't know why we're going in this direction," I said. "If I get much further east I shall have to send back Bartlett. You know, I don't believe the Colonel is taking this seriously. He doesn't seem to me to be trying at all. Has he ever been round the course before?"
"Never. He's quite new to it."
"There you are. He'll come down at the ditch for a certainty."
I played my third. A third time we went ten yards to the east—well, perhaps with a touch of north in it again. And this time Hector gave a sudden snort of laughter.
I leant upon my club, and stared him into gravity. Then I took Thomas by the coat and led him on one side.
"There are, Thomas," I said, "other things than golf."
"There are," he agreed.
"A man may fail temporarily at the game and yet not be wholly despicable."
"True."
"He may, for instance, be able to dance the pavane with grace and distinction."
"Quite so."
"Well then, will you take this giggling child away and explain to him that I am not such an ass as I appear? Tell him that the intellectuals of Brook Green think highly of my mental powers. Assure him that in many of the best houses at Wandsworth Common I am held to be an amusing raconteur. Remind him of my villanelle 'To Autumn.' For heaven's sake make him understand that my reputation does not stand or fall with my ability to use this brassy thing. I'm not a golf professional."
Thomas allowed himself to smile. "I will tell him," he said, "that you are not a golf professional."
We veered right round to the east with my fourth and then I became desperate.
"Why," I shouted, "do I hit the ball with a ridiculous club like this? I could send it farther with a cricket bat. I could push it straighter with a billiard cue. Where's that bag? I am going to have a lucky dip."
I dipped, and came up with what Thomas called a cleek. "Now then," I said. I didn't stop to address the Colonel, I simply lashed at him. He flew along the ground at a terrific pace.
"Well kept down," said Thomas admiringly.
"By Jove!" I cried, "that's never going to stop. See how he flies along ... now he breasts the slope ... look, he is taking the water jump.... Ah, he has crossed his legs, he's down."
"This," I said to Thomas as we walked after the Colonel, "is golf. A glorious game."
"What nonsense," I said to Thomas, "they put in comic papers about golf. All that about digging up the turf! ... and missing the ball! ... and breaking the clubs! I mean, I simply don't see how one could! Let's see, I've played four, haven't I?"
"Five," said Thomas. "What I am wondering," he added, "is why you should have been afraid of using any club in your small island off the coast of Scotland."
CHAPTER IV
Twenty Strokes After
"The green, the green," I shouted joyfully, in the manner of the ancient Greeks, though I was only on the edge of it.
"Go on," said Thomas.
I took a careful aim and put the white down.
"You see," I said carelessly, leaning on my putter.