Earl of Rochester as Quack.
The witty but profligate Earl of Rochester, well known in history as the boon companion of Charles II, especially in his debaucheries, frequently gave offence to that monarch by his impudence or his sarcasms. His best known epigram is that referring to
Our Sovereign Lord the King
Whose word no man relies on
Who never said a foolish thing
And never did a wise one.
On several occasions Rochester was ordered to leave the Court, but Charles always sent for him to come back again. In one of these absences it is recorded that he took lodgings in Tower Street under the name of Alexander Bindo and practised for a time as a quack doctor. It is believed that he had a stall on Tower Hill on which he spread an assortment of remedies and cosmetics, and that he especially cultivated the patronage of women, to whom he gave advice. This must have been about the year 1677. In a book published in 1710, giving the poetical works and speeches of Sir Charles Sedley by Captain Ayloff, is printed a copy of what purports to be one of Rochester’s harangues on Tower Hill. No evidence of its authenticity is offered, and as the Earl was undoubtedly gifted with a glib tongue and plenty of talent it would seem unlikely that he would trouble himself to write out, or if he did write it, to preserve such rubbish. The “Dictionary of National Biography,” however, alludes to it without questioning its genuineness, but does not quote any part of it. The following specimens of the Earl’s alleged patter are quoted from an old part of Notes and Queries:—
“I am the famed Paracelsus of the age, by name Segnior Doloso Euprontorio, son of that wonder-working Chymist lately deceased in Alsatia and famed through all Europe, Asia, Africa, and America; from the oriental exaltation of Titan to his occidental declination, who in pity to his own dear self and other mortals has by the prayers and solicitations of divers Kings, Emperors, Princes, Lords, Gentlemen, and other Personages been prevailed with to oblige the world with notice to all persons, young and old, lame and blind, that they may know where to repair for their speedy cure in all Cephalgies, Orantalgies, Paralitical Paroxysms, Rheumatisms, Gout, Fevers, Fractures, Dislocations, and all other Distempers incident to the human Body, external or internal, acute or chronic, curable or incurable.
“My medicines are the Quintessence of Pharmaceutical Energy; the Cures I have done are beyond the art of the whole World.
“I have an excellent hypontical, captical, odoriferous, carminative, renovative, stiptical, corroboratory Balsam of Balsams, made of dead men’s fat, rosin, and goose grease. It is the true Pharmacopœia of Hermes Trismegistus, the true Pentemagogon of the triple kingdom, which works seven several ways, and is seven years preparing, which being exactly completed secundem artem by Fermentations, Solutions, Sublimations, Putrefactions, Rectifications, and Quidlibelifications in Balnea Mariæ in the Crucible, becomes Nature’s Palladium, Health’s Magazine. One drachm of which is worth a Bushel of March dust. For if any of you chance to have your heads cut off or your brains beat out, ten drops of this seasonably applied will recall the fleeting spirits reigning through the deposed Archeus, and in six minutes will restore the departed Life to its pristine vigour with all its functions, vital, rational and animal.”
The quack goes on to recount some of his cures. Among them were the god-mother of Prester John of a stupendous Dolor in her Os Sacrum; the Empress of Boolampoo of a Cramp she got in her tongue by eating Pork and buttered parsnips; an Alderman of Grand Cairo of a scarlet burning raging fever of which he died; the Emperor of Morocco, who lay seven years sick of the plague and was cured in 42 minutes so that he danced the Saraband, Flip-flap, and Somerset.
The orator announced that he was to be found at the Golden Ball in Fop Alley whenever he was not on Tower Hill; for he had devoted himself wholly to serve the Public.