The Ninth Pleasure.
Of base conditioned Maid-servants.
'Tis true, it seems to fall both tart and bitter, when the children take such lavish courses, and get such wild hairs in their nostrils; the sons acting the parts of spendthrifts, and petulant Students, and the Daughters of light Punks; as long as these things remain so, they appear to be but very sober Pleasures of Marriage. But when we perceive, that these thorns being past, the pleasant roses appear, and that these light hearted Students finally come to be gallant Practitioners; O that affords you the most satisfactory and largest Pleasure of Marriage that ever could be expected.
So also, if you perceive that your Daughters are lively, active and airy; that somtimes they would rather go to a Play, then to Church; or rather be merry of an evening, than at Sermon in the morning, and grow to be altogether mannish minded; you must then conclude these are natural instincts. If it happen to fall out, contrary to your expectation, that she hath more mind to a brave young fellow that's a Prentice, whose parts and humor she knows, then she hath in a Plush Jacketted or gilt Midas; then make your selves joyfull in the several examples that you have of others, who being so married, have proved to be the best Matches; of which examples multiplicities are at large prostrated to your view in the Theater of Lovers. So that you do herein yet find the Pleasure of Marriage.
But it is much farther to be sought for among the vexations which house-keeping people have not only from children, but from base-natured, lasie, tailing, lavish, and ill-tongued servants; done unto them somtimes by their men, but generally by the foolish and stifnecked Maids. These can make their Master totally forget his Base Viol and singing of musick, and their Mistriss the playing upon the Virginals. It was a much less trouble for Arion and Orfeus to charm all the senceless creatures both of Sea and Land in those daies; then it is now for house-keepers to bring their servants to a due obedience.
Neither is this strange, because some Maids, when they see they have gotten a kind natured and mild Gentlewoman to their Mistriss; immediately practice, by all means possible, to rule and domineer over her; insomuch that whatsoever the Mistriss orders or commands, she knows how, according to the imagination of her own understanding, to order and do it otherwise. And dare many times boldly contradict them, and say, Mistriss, it would be better if this were done then, and that so.
And if the Mistriss be so mild that she condescends and passes by this some times; they are immediately, in their own conceits, as wise again as their Mistriss; and dare, when they come among their tailing Gossips, brag that they can bend their Mistriss to their Bow; and if their Mistriss bids them do any thing, they do it when it pleases them, or at their own oportunity; for their Mistriss is troubled with the simples, a Sugar-sop, &c.
But if it happen so that one of these Rule-sick Wenches, comes into a service where the Mistriss is a notable spirited woman that looks sharply and circumspectly to the government of her Family, then she's damnably put to't; and is troubled in spirit, that her Mistriss will not understand it so, as she would fain have it, according to her hair-brain'd manner, and gets this to an answer, Jane, do it as I command you, then it is well, though it were ill done. Let your Mistriss command, its your duty to obey; or else, next time you must hire your self out for Mistriss, and not for Maid, &c.
How pleasant this answer was to Jane, it appears, because she no sooner gets out, but she runs to Goody Busie-body that hires out servants; where she makes no smal complaint of her Mistresses insulting spirit; and asks whether she knows not of a hire for her by some houskeeping Batchelor or Widower; because she understands the ordring of her work very well, is a special good Cook, and loves Children, &c. Then she would leave her Mistriss, and tell her that her Aunt was very sick and lay a dying, and that she must go thither, &c.
Goody Busie-body is presently ready, because she sees here is a means to earn double wages, the Maid must be provided with another service, and the Mistriss with another Maid; so she begins, like a Broker, to turn and wind it about every way to rid her self of the one, and then to recommend another in the place. Though it be mighty inconvenient for the Mistriss, and troubles her, because she many times may be near her lying-in, or some other pressing necessity, &c.
Whose merrier then Jane, for she hath gotten a new service by a Widower, and can order and govern all things now according to her own mind; where she hath not the name of a Maid, but of a Governantess. Nay, now she's cunning enough to bridle in all her ill conditions, and watches the very ey of her Master, keeping all things very cleanly and neat in order; upon hopes that her Master might fall into a good humour, and make a place also for her in his bed. For verily she loves Children so well that she would be helping to get one her self. To which purpose she useth all inventions imaginable, running too and again about the house bare-necked, and her breasts raised up; or comes to his bedside all unlaced, or fains to sit sleeping by the fire side with her coats up to her knees, against her Master comes home, with the key in his Pocket, merrily disposed, from his Companions; or with a short Coat on, stoops down very low in the presence of her Master, to take up somthing from, or clean the flore; or climbs up a ladder to rub the glass windows; and knows of a thousand such manner of inticements, of which there's never a one of them, but, if the Master have any flesh or blood in him, are sufficient to catch and insnare him. For this hapned to her fellow Creature who having dwelt some indifferent time with a Widower, he came home one evening pretty merry, and jestingly talked to her about her sweetheart; See there, Peggy, be carefull, and when you come to marry, I will give you this bed that I ly on, with all that belongs to it. Whereupon the Maid answered, Well Sir, if I shall have all that justly belongs to it, I must have you also Sir, for it is yours, and you ly upon it. The answer pleased the Master so well, that he catches Peggy in his arms, throws her upon the bed, and lies down by her; till at last, in spite of all his relations, he made his Maid his Wife: who being married, then began to discover her stifnecked, cross-graind humors, that she had so long kept secret; but it was the occasion of both their ruines.
But we will leave Jane and Peggy with their Widowers, and take a view what kind of a Pleasure of marriage that our Mistriss possesseth with her new Maid; for Goody Busie-body recommended her highly to be a very honest, vertuous Maid, of a good family, and gave her self security for her fidelity.
Nevertheless, there are hardly three daies past, but the Mistriss perceives that she is notably inclined to toss up her cup: but for the better certainty, the Mistriss commands her to draw some Wine in a glass that was very clean rinsed; which she no sooner brought back, but the Mistriss observed that greasy lips had been at it; yet before she sent her the second time, she takes a trencher and holds it over the smoke of a Candle to grow black, then with her finger rubs that soot upon the edge or hollow part of the glass; and commanded her, as she did before, to draw some Wine; but when she came back again, the Mistriss then perceived that the round circle of the glass was impressed upon both sides of her mouth and upon her forehead. Who can abstain themselves from laughter, when they see such a marked sheep come out of the Wine Cellar? Who could imagine that a Maid in three daies time should occasion so much pleasure of marriage! How much more mirth will you receive from her, when she has taken a good bowsing cup to be jolly! You have here a triall of her fidelity, that Goody Busie-body vaunted of. For the future she may very well say, that she is mighty dexterous at smuckling of Wine; who knows but she may get an Angel a year the more wages for it.
But whilest she pleases her Mistriss with this sight, the t'other causes her to enjoy a new recreation: for she having gotten leave to go to Church in th'afternoon, tarries out till seven of the clock in the evening, tho she knows there are friends invited to supper, the children must be got to bed, and all things set in good order; neither is it strange, for she thinks, I am now the eldest Maid, the t'other may attend. When I hired my self, my Mistriss told me I should go on Sundaies to Church; and also, when occasion served, after Sermon I should walk abroad for an hour or two; and now there is a very good opportunity, because she hath another Maid at home, &c.
She keeps singing in this tune. And finally coming home, thinks that she has a great deal of reason on her side, and is not ashamed to retort ten cross words for one. 't Is no wonder neither, for she had been talking with Mistriss Sayall the Cupster, who had Cupt her but the Sunday before, and then told her that she could observe out of her physiognomy, and the course of her blood, several infallible signs, that she should come to be a woman of good quality, and that she would not be above a year unmarried. Also there came thither at the same time Dorothy and Margery, whom Mistriss Sayall had in like manner prognosticated what was befallen them. These did not a little admire, that she, being now the eldest Maid, earned such small wages, and that her Mistriss did not raise it; because she deserved at the least fifteen shillings a year more, and a better New years gift, and Fairing.
Thus they stuff one anothers pates full. And Mistriss Sayall, and Goody Busiebody, seem to be as if they were sisters cast in one Mould; for the one knows how to blow the simple wenches ears full; and the t'other, worse then a Bawd, makes them cross-grain'd; and keep both of them a school for ill-natured Wenches, and lazy sluts, to natter, to exhort, and to exasperate in; yet these half Divel-drivers, carry themselves before the Mistresses like Saints; but do indeed, shew themselves to be the most deceitfullest cheats, who carry alwaies fire in one hand and water in the t'other.
These know how, very subtlely, many times, to fatten their carkasses, with meat and drink out of the Mistresses Cellars and Butteries; keeping alwaies a fair correspondence with the theevish Maids, which know many tricks and waies how to convey it unto them; and scold and brawl against those whose stoln meat and drink they thus idly and basely convey away. These use again all possible indeavours to recommend them here or there to a sweetheart, and make their own houses serve as an Exchange for this Negotiation; where they appear as precise at their hours, as a Merchant doth at Change-time.
This it is, that makes them look like a Dog in a halter, when they cannot get leave on Sundaies to go a gadding; and it is a wonder they do not bargain for it when they hire themselves: though there are some that are not ashamed, (who dare not so openly confess this) to bargain that they may go every Sunday to Church, as if they were extraordinary devout, when it is really to no other end, then to set out their gins, to catch some Tailor, Baker, Shoomaker, Cooper, Carpenter, Mason, or such like journyman: which is hardly passed by to satisfie their fleshly lusts, before they perceive that they have chosen a poor and wretched for a plentifull livelihood; and are often, by their husbands, beaten like Stockfish, though Lent be long past. But what delight they have, in being curried with this sort of five-tooth'd Comb, the neighbours can judge by the miserable songs they sing.
These find also the Pleasures of Marriage, at which they have so long aimed, and so much indeavoured for; and would now gladly lick their fingers at that which they have many times thrown away upon the Dunghills, or in the Kennels; falling many times into deplorable poverty, or to receive Alms from the Churchwardens and charitable people; of which there are vast numbers of examples, too lamentable and terrible to be related.
By this small relation you may see what kind of points these sort of people have upon their Compass. But to write the true nature and actions of such Rubbish, were to no other purpose then to foul a vast quantity of paper with a deal of trash and trumpery. For many are damnably liquorish tooth'd, everlasting Tattlesters, lazy Ey-servants, salt Bitches, continual Mumblers out of their Pockets, wicked Scolds, lavish Drones, secret Drinckers, stifnecked Dunces, Tyrants over Children, Stinking Sluts, Mouldy Brain'd trugs; hellish sottish Gipsies; nay and sometimes both Whorish and Theevish; and must, therefore, not have come into consideration here, if they did not so especially belong to the disconsolations of Marriage; occasioning many times more troubles and disquiets in a Family, then all the rest of the adversities that may befall it.
This is the reason that makes the Mistriss many times turn one after t'other out of dores; and is afreard that a new one should come in again. And is also ashamed that the Neighbors should see every foot a new Maid upon her flore; who by an evil nature, are ready to beleeve the worst of their fellow neighbours, what is told them by a tale-carrying, long-tongued Slut of a Maid; though they many times observe how wickedly they are plagued with their own.
O super-excellent Pleasure of Marriage! where shall we make a conclusion, if we should set all things down according to their worth and value! Certainly every one would, to that purpose, want a Clark in their own Family.
The Tenth Pleasure.
An empty Purse, makes a sorrowfull Pate. The Husband grows jealous. And the Wife also. The Husband is weary of his wife, and seeks to be divorced.
As continual prosperity giveth a great satisfaction to married people; and congealeth their hearts more and more with a fervent Love; so, on the contrary, we many times see, that when they are oppressed with bad Trading, Bankrupts, chargeable housekeeping and Children, it occasions and raises a coolness in the affections; insomuch that it disquiets their rest, and they consume the whole night many times with flying fancies and cogitations, how such an Assignment, or that Bill of Exchange, or the last half years rent shal be paid, &c. because the emptness of their Purse, and the slow paiment of their Debtors too much impedes them. And their yearly rents are so small and uncertain, that there runs away many times more in reparations and taxations annually then the rents amounts to. This occasions disquiet. From this it proceeds, that many times when they rise, their wits run a wool-gathering, and they are more inclined to look crabbedly, grumble and mumble, then to shew each other any signs of love and friendship: for an empty purse, makes a sorrowfull pate. This gives no smal defeat to the Pleasures of Marriage. Now they begin to observe that there is no state or condition in the World so compleat, but it hath some kind of imperficiency.
This kind of necessity may, by a man, in a Tavern, with good company, be rinsed with a glass of Wine, but never thereby be supplied: And the woman may with singing and dandling of her children, or controuling and commanding of her servants, a little forget it, yet nevertheless when John the cashier comes with the Bill of Exchange, and William the Bookkeeper with the Assignment, they ought both to be paid, or else credit and respect ly at the stake. This requires a great deal of prudence, to take care for the one, and preserve the other.
The best sort of Matches have found this by experience to be true: And for that reason they ofttimes stop a little hole to make a bigger. But because this can be of no long continuance, some do measure their business smaller out at first, and dwell at a lesser rent, hire out their Chambers and Cellars; and afterwards, make mony of some movables, will not turmoil themselves with so much trade, and great trust; nay sometimes also, take some other trade by the hand, the commodities whereof are of a quicker consumption. And if this happen to people that are not so perfectly well match'd, as our self-same-minded couple, and that the husband hath been a frequenter of company, you shall then seldom see that the husband and the Wife are concordant in their opinions; for he generally will be for trading in Wine and Tobacco, in which sort of commodities he is well studied; and the woman is for dealing in linnen, stockings, gloves, or such like Wares as she knows best how to traffick with. And verily it looks but sadly (although it oftentimes happens) when a Man and his Wife do contend about this. Nevertheless some men, because they imagine to have the best understanding, use herein a very hard way of discourse with their wives, making it all their business to snap and snarl, chide and bawl, nay threaten and strike also; which indeed rather mars then mends the matter, little thinking that quietness in a family is such a costly Jewell, that it seldom can be valued.
Others, on the contrary, take their greatest delight, when they know how, with affableness to please their wives humour, and with plausible words can admonish them what is best and fittest to be done; and rather to extoll those graces which are found in them, than to reprove their deficiencies: According to the instructions of the prudent Emperor Marcus Aurelius, who said, that men ought often to admonish their wives, seldom reprove them, and never strike them.
But many men whose understanding is turned topsie turvy in their brains, seek it in a contrary place, and where the Bank is lowest, the Water breaks in soonest. In such case the Women suffer cruelly. For if he be foul-mouth'd, he is not ashamed openly before his servants and other people to check, curb, and controul his wife lustily; and when they are in private together, reprehends her so bitterly, that he would not dare to mention it in the ears of honest people: because having seen that his Border, out of meer civility, cut many times the best peece at Table and presented to his Wife, bilds thereupon a foundation of jealousie, and an undoubted familiarity, which he privately twits her in the teeth with; though in publick he is ashamed to let it appear that he is jealous; because then he would be laught at for it; therefore he doth nothing but pout, mumble, bawl, scold, is cross-grain'd and troubled at every thing; nay looks upon his Wife and all the rest of his Family like a Welsh Goat, none of them knowing the least reason in the World for it.
In the meanwhile he useth all possible means privately to attrap his wife; for to see that which he never will see; and at which he is so divellishly possessed to have a wicked revenge; nay which he also never can see though he had a whole boxfull of spectacles upon his nose; because she never hath, or ever will give him the least reason for it. In that manner violating loves knot, and laying a foundation of implacable hatred.
Verily, if a woman be a little light-hearted and merry humoured, it is a great delight and pleasure for her to be taking notice, and every way to be scoffing, with all the foolish tricks and devices of such a jealous Coxcomb. But otherwise there is no greater Hell upon Earth, then for an honest Woman to dwell with a jealous husband; because in his absence she dare not in the least speak to any one, and in his presence hardly look upon any body. This is known to those, who have had experience of it, and it never went well with any Family where this damned house-divel ever got an entrance.
'Tis true, all men are not defiled with this dirtiness. But such Loggerheads many times occasion, through their wicked folly and evill doings, that the Woman, who before never thought of jealousie, now begins to grow jealous her self. For she, considering that her husband is so without any ground or reason, looks so sour, and ill-natured; and alwaies when he comes home every thing stands in his way; besides, that the soothings and friendly entertainments, should differ so much from those of former times, and especially from them of the first year; cannot imagine that the small gain and the bad times are the occasion of it; therefore she thinks that there is some other fine Gipsie, that puts him on to these base humors, or that he is led away by some or other charming Punk.
And it is no wonder, because coming home lately he said, that somewhere as he was walking home he had lost his Watch, which he had just as he was coming out of the Tavern. And two or three weeks before came home without his Cloak, saying, that some wicked Rascals had taken it from him in the streets. Moreover she rememorates, how he related not long since, that he had been, out of jest, one evening, with three or four others, in six of the most vile and wickedest Bawdy houses in the City, though that he had committed nothing unhandsom there, as he said; therefore she thinks that she hath more reason to suspect his evil doings, then he hath of hers.
And having pondered upon all these things, this and t'other way, imagineth that she hath a great deal of reason to suspect him. Nay, the daily grumbling and mumbling, the lessening of the mony, his coming home late at nights, his cool kindness, besides all the rest, seem to be sufficient proofs. So that here the Pleasure of Marriage is so monstrously Clouded, as if there were a great Eclipse of the Sun, and it will be a wonder to see with what kind of colour it will appear again. For the Husband catechizes his Wife with such a loud voice, that it is generally heard through the whole neighbourhood; and the Wife, to vindicate her innocency, lets fly at him again with such a shrill note, as if she had gone to school to learn it in Drury Lane, or Turnball street. And it is a wonder that the first Chyrurgian is not sent for to cure this Woman of her bad tongue.
Here you ought to come, O restless Lovers, to behold your selves in these two darlings; you, who in your wooing are also possessed with jealousie, if you see that another obtains access to your Mistriss; or who, perhaps as wel as you, doth but once kiss the knocker of the dore, or cause an Aubade to be plaied under her Chamber Window: Look sharply about you, and behold how these Aubades decline, or whether it be worth your while to give your Rival the Challenge; or to stab, poison, or drown'd your self, to shew, by such an untimely death, the love you had for her; and on your Grave, bear this Epitaph, that through damn'd jealousie you murthered your self. These married Couple, used to do so; but see now what a sad life they live together, because jealousie took root in them so soon, and now bringeth forth such evill fruits.
Oh that this, now senceless, married Couple, had here, like the Athenians, prudent Umpires! how easily might they, perhaps, be united and pacified! For the Athenians had constituted a certain sort of superiors, whom they intituled Pacificators of the married people; whose Power was to appease all differences between married people; and to constrain them that they must live in peace and unity with each other. In like manner at Rome a Temple was built, where scolding married people, being reunited, came to sacrifice, and to live in better tranquility.
But alas! it is now clear contrary, such contentious Couples, use all the means and indeavours they possibly can rather to be divorced, then reunited; to that end solliciting both the Majestical and Ecclesiastical Powers; to whom are related a thousand sad reasons by each party, because either of them pretendeth to have the greatest reason on their side; of which this Age imparteth us several examples, wherewith the Magistracy, Ministry and Elders find no small trouble; especially, if they be people of a brave extraction, good credit and reputation, who have procreated severall children together. For this jealous and contentious house Divell, domineers as well among people of great respect, as those of lesser degree; though there be some which so order it, that they smother this fire within dores, and suffer it not to burst out at the house top. Nevertheless it is impossible to hide this unkindness from the eys of them that are in the Family. Therefore it is to be admired, that the sister who dwelleth with this married Couple, and seeth and hears all this unkindness, mumbling and grumbling, yet hath such an earnest desire to be set down in the List of the great Company. Nay though she had read all the twenty Pleasures of Marriage through and through, and finds by the example of her Brother that they are all truth; yet she is like a Fish, never at rest till she gets her self into the Marriage-Net, where she knows that she never can get out again: According to these following Verses, which she hath sung so many times:
You may in sea lanch when you will, To see the boistrous Main, Great storms, and wind, your sails will fill, Fore you return again. The married state, is much like this, O'rewhelm'd with many crosses, Yet must be born, see how it is, With tauntings, toils, and losses.
But I beleeve that the Sister makes flesh and blood her Counsellors, just as her Brother did, who hath now totally forgotten these Verses; for since the flesh is almost come to the very bone, all his designs and indeavours seem to bend now to the being separated from Bed and Table: and, if fortune would favour it, he would rather see it done by death, then any Civil Authority; for then he might look out again for a new Beloved, and by that means get another new Portion; though it might lightly happen to be some mendicant hous-divel, for a reward of his jealousie.
And perhaps he little thinks how that bawling and scolding, between him and his Wife, is spread abroad. But it hath often hapned, that those who would be separated, very unexpectedly have been parted by death; but not so neither, that they who most desired the separation, have just remained alive.
Happy were those restless Souls, if they did like the wise and prudent Chyrurgians, who will not cut off any member, before they have made an operation of all imaginable means for cure and recovery thereof: And that they first learnt to know their own deficiences perfectly, that they might the better excuse those of their Adversary.
O how thrice happy are our well-matcht Couple! who like a Looking-glass for all others, live together in love, pleasure and tranquility, and have banished that monstrous beast jealousie out of their hearts and house; wishing nothing more then to live long together, and to dy both at one time, that neither of them both might inherit that grief to be the longest liver, by missing their second-selves. These do recommend marriage in the highest degree to the whole World, as the noblest state and condition; and despise the folly of those who reject it, imagining in themselves that they have more knowledge and understanding then all the wise men of Greece ever had; who by their marrying demonstrated, that they esteemed the married estate to be the best and commendablest though some of them were married to women, who notably bore the sway.
We may very well then contemn the chattering of Epicurus that pleasurable Hoggrubber, who said, that no wise man would ever give himself in to the Bands of Matrimony; because there is so much grief, trouble, and misery to be found in it. For we see to the contrary, that the Wise men long to be in it, and that the Sun of understanding appears more gloriously in them, when it is nourisht and inlivened by marriage; especially, if they have got, like unto our well-married Couple, good Matches. To this end, all those that are unmarried, ought to look very circumspectly, for the getting themselves such a second-self, that they would never desire to part with. And for the exhortation of every one to this, I will break off and conclude with that faithfull warning given by that great Emperor and Philosopher Marcus Aurelius: saying, Because the life of Man cannot remain without Women, I do warn the young, pray the old, admonish the wise, and teach the simple, that they should shun ill-natured Women as much as the Plague: for I say, that all the venemous Creatures in the World, have not so much poison spread or contained in their whole bodies; as one divellish-natured Woman alone hath in her tongue.