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THE WIFE'S VERSION.
What can be the matter with him? What can he complain of? I cannot
understand it. And yet I have done all I could to make him happy. To be
sure, I don't say that instead of a poet I would not rather have married
a notary or a lawyer, something rather more serious, rather less vague
as a profession; nevertheless, such as he was he took my fancy.
I thought him a trifle visionary, but charming all the same, and
well-mannered; besides he had some fortune, and I thought that once
married poetizing would not prevent him from seeking out some good
appointment which would set us quite at ease.
[!--IMG--]
He, too at that time seemed to find me to his taste. When he came to see
me at my aunt's in the country, he could not find words enough to admire
the order and arrangement of our little house, kept like a convent, "It
is so quaint!" he used to say. He would laugh and call me all sorts of
names taken from the poems and romances he had read. That shocked me a
little I confess; I should have liked him to be more serious. But it
was not until we were married and settled in Paris, that I felt all the
difference of our two natures.
I had dreamed of a little home kept scrupulously bright and clean;
instead of which, he began at once to encumber our apartment with
useless old-fashioned furniture, covered with dust, and with faded
tapestries, old as the hills. In everything it was the same. Would you
believe that he obliged me to put away in the attic a sweetly
pretty Empire clock, which had come to me from my aunt, and some
splendidly-framed pictures given me by my school friends. He thought
them hideous. I am still wondering why? For after all, his study was one
mass of lumber, of old smoky pictures; statuettes I blushed to look at,
chipped antiquities of all kinds, good for nothing; vases that would not
hold water, odd cups, chandeliers covered with verdigris.
[!--IMG--]
By the side of my beautiful rosewood piano, he had put another, a little
shabby thing with all the polish off, half-the notes wanting, and so
old and worn that one could hardly hear it. I began to think: "Good
gracious! is an artist then, really a little mad? Does he only care for
useless things, and despise all that is useful?"
When I saw his friends', the society he received, it was still worse.
Men with long hair, great beards, scarcely combed, badly dressed, who
did not hesitate to smoke in my presence, while to listen to them made
me quite uncomfortable, so widely opposed were their ideas to mine. They
used long words, fine phrases, nothing natural, nothing simple. Then
with all this, not a notion of ordinary civilities: you might ask them
to dinner twenty times running, and there would be never a call, never
a return of any kind. Not even a card or a bonbon on New Year's day.
Nothing. Some of these gentry were married and brought their wives to
see us. You should have seen the style of these persons! For every day
wear, superb toilettes such as thank heaven, I would wear at no time!
And so ill-arranged, without order or method. Hair loose, skirts
trailing, and such a bold display of their talents! There were some who
sang like actresses, played the piano like professors, all talked on
every subject just like men. I ask you, is this reasonable?
Ought serious women once married to think of anything but the care of
their household? This is what I tried to make my husband understand,
when he was vexed at seeing me give up my music. Music is all very well
when one is a little girl and has nothing better to do. But candidly,
I should consider myself very ridiculous if I sat down every day to the
piano.
[!--IMG--]
Oh! I am quite aware that his great complaint against me is that I
wished to draw him from the strange society I considered so dangerous
for him. "You have driven away all my friends?" he often used to say
reproachfully. Yes, I did do so, and I don't regret it. Those creatures
would have ended by driving him crazy. After leaving them, he would
often spend the night in making rhymes and in marching up and down and
talking aloud. As if he were not already sufficiently eccentric and
original in himself without being excited by others! What caprices, what
whims have I not put up with! Suddenly one morning, he would appear in
my room: "Quick, get your hat—we are off to the country." Then one
must leave everything, sewing, household affairs, take a carriage, go
by rail, spend a mint of money! And I, who only thought of economy! For
after all, it is not with fifteen thousand francs (six hundred pounds)
a year that one can be counted rich in Paris or make any provision for
one's children. At first he used to laugh at my observations, and try
to make me laugh; then when he saw how firmly I was resolved to remain
serious, he found fault with my simplicity and my taste for home. Am
I to blame because I detest theatres and concerts, and those artistic
soirées to which he wished to drag me, and where he met his old
acquaintances, a lot of scatterbrains, dissipated and Bohemian?
At one time, I thought he was becoming more reasonable. I had managed to
with-draw him from his good-for-nothing circle of friends, and to gather
round us a society of sensible people, well-settled in life, who might
be of use to us. But no! Monsieur was bored. He was always bored,
from morning till night. At our little soirees, where I was careful to
arrange a whist table and a tea table, all as it should be, he would
appear with such a face! in such a temper! When we were alone, it was
just the same. Nevertheless, I was full of little attentions. I used to
say to him: "Read me something of what you are doing." He recited to me
verses, tirades, of which I understood nothing, but I put on an air of
interest, and here and there made some little remark, which by the way,
inevitably had the knack of annoying him. In a year, working night and
day, he could only make of all his rhymes, one single volume which never
sold, I said to him: "Ah! you see," just in a reasoning spirit, to bring
him to something more comprehensible, more remunerative, He got into a
frightful rage, and afterwards sank into a state of gloomy depression
which made me very unhappy. My friends advised me as well as they could:
"You see, my dear, it is the ennui and bad temper of an unoccupied man.
If he worked a little more, he would not be so gloomy."
Then I set to work, and all my belongings too, to seek him an
appointment, I moved heaven and earth, I made I don't know how many
visits to the wives of government officials, heads of departments; I
even penetrated into a minister's office. It was a surprise I reserved
for him, I said to my-self: "We shall see whether he will be pleased
this time," At length, the day when I received his nomination in a
lovely envelope with five big seals, I carried it myself to his table,
half wild with joy. It was provision for the future, comfort, self
content, the tranquillity of regular work. Do you know what he did? He
said: "He would never forgive me." After which he tore the minister's
letter into a thousand pieces, and rushed out, banging the doors. Oh!
these artists, poor unsettled brains taking life all the wrong way! What
could be done with such a man? I should have liked to talk to him, to
reason with him. In vain. Those were indeed right, who had said to me:
"He is a madman." Of what use moreover to talk to him? We do not
speak the same language. He would not understand me, any more than I
understand him. And now, here we must sit and look at each other. I see
hatred in his glance, and yet I have true affection for him. It is very
painful.
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[!--IMG--]
THE HUSBAND'S VERSION.
I had thought of everything, taken all my precautions. I would not have
a Parisian, because Parisian women alarm me. I would not have a rich
wife because she might be too exacting and extravagant. I also
dreaded family ties, that terrible network of homely affections, which
monopolizes, imprisons, dwarfs and stifles. My wife was the realization
of my fondest dreams. I said to myself: "She will owe me everything."
[!--IMG--]
What pleasure to educate this simple mind to the contemplation of
beauty, to initiate this pure soul to my enthusiasms and hopes, to give
life, in short, to this statue! The fact is she had the air of a
statue, with her great serious calm eyes, her regular Greek profile, her
features, which although rather too marked and severe, were softened by
the rose-tinted bloom of youth and the shadow of the waving hair. Added
to all this was a faint provincial accent that was my especial joy, an
accent to which with closed eyes, I listened as a recollection of happy
childhood, the echo of a tranquil life in some far away, utterly unknown
nook. And to think that now, this accent has become unbearable to me!
But in those days, I had faith. I loved, I was happy, and disposed to
be still more so. Full of ardour for my work, I had as soon as I was
married begun a new poem, and in the evening I read to her the verses
of the day. I wished to make her enter completely into my existence. The
first time or two, she said to me: "Very pretty," and I was grateful
to her for this childish approbation, hoping that in time she would
comprehend better what was the very breath of my life.
Poor creature! How I must have bored her! After having read her my
verses, I explained them to her, seeking in her beautiful astonished
eyes the hoped-for gleam of light, ever fancying I should surprise it.
[!--IMG--]
I obliged her to give me her opinion and I passed over all that was
foolish to retain only what a chance inspiration might contain of good.
I so longed to make of her my true help mate, the real artist's wife!
But no! She could not understand. In vain did I read to her the great
poets, choosing the strongest, the tenderest,—the golden rhymes of the
love poems fell upon her ear as coldly and tediously as a hailstorm.
Once I remember, we were reading la Nuit d'Octobre; she interrupted
me, to ask for something more serious! I tried then to explain to her
that there is nothing in the world more serious than poetry, which is
the very essence of life, floating above it like a glory of light,
in the % vibrations of which words and thoughts are elevated and
transfigured. Oh! what a disdainful smile passed over her pretty mouth
and what condescension in her glance! As though a child or a madman had
spoken to her.
What have I not thus wasted of strength and useless eloquence! Nothing
was of any use. I stumbled perpetually against what she called good
sense, reason, that eternal excuse of dried up hearts and narrow minds.
And it was not only poetry that bored her. Before our marriage, I had
believed her to be a musician. She seemed to understand the pieces
she played, aided by the underlinings of her teacher. Scarcely was she
married when she closed her piano, and gave up her music.
[!--IMG--]
Can there be anything more melancholy than this abandonment by the young
wife of all that had pleased in the young girl? The reply given, the
part ended, the actress quits her costume. It was all done with a view
to marriage; a surface of petty accomplishments, of pretty smiles, and
fleeting elegance. With her the change was instantaneous. At first I
hoped that the taste I could not give her, an artistic intelligence and
love of the beautiful, would come to her in spite of herself, through
the medium of this wonderful Paris, with its unconscious refining
influence on eyes and mind. But what can be done with a woman who does
not know how to open a book, to look at a picture, who is always bored
and refuses to see anything? I soon understood that I must resign myself
to have by my side nothing but a housewife, active and economical,
indeed very economical. According to Proudhon, a woman, nothing more. I
could have shaped my course accordingly; so many artists are in the same
plight! But this modest rôle was not enough for her.
Little by little, slyly, silently, she managed to get rid of all my
friends. We had not made any difference in our talk because of * her
presence. We talked as we always had done in the past, but she never
understood the irony or the fantasy of our artistic exaggerations, of
our wild axioms, or paradoxes, in which-an idea is travestied only to
figure more brilliantly. It only irritated and puzzled her. Seated in
a quiet corner of the drawing-room, she listened and said nothing,
planning all the while how she should eliminate one by one those who
so much shocked her. Notwithstanding the seeming friendliness of the
welcome, there could already be felt in my rooms that thin current
of cold air, which warns that the door is open and that it is time to
leave.
My friends once gone, she replaced them by her own. I found myself
surrounded by an absurd set of worthies, strangers to art, who hated
poetry and scorned it because "it made no money." On purpose the names
of fashionable writers who manufacture plays and novels by the dozen
were cited before me, with the remark: "So and so makes a great deal of
money!"
Make money! this is the all-important point for these creatures, and
I had the pain of seeing my wife think with them. In this fatal
atmosphere, her provincial habits, her mean and narrow views were made
still more odious by an incredible stinginess.
Fifteen thousand francs (six hundred pounds) a year! It seemed to me
that with this income we could live without fear of the morrow. Not
at all! She was always grumbling, talking of economy, reform, good
investments. As she overpowered me with these dull details, I felt all
desire and taste for work ebb away from me. Sometimes she came to
my table and scornfully turned over the scattered half-written
pages:—"Only that!" she would say, counting the hours lost upon the
insignificant little lines. Ah I if I had listened to her, my glorious
title of poet, which it has taken me so many years to win, would be now
dragged through the black mire of sensational literature. And when
I think that to this selfsame woman I had at first opened my heart,
confided all my dreams; and when I think that the contempt she now
shows me because I do not make money dates from the first days of our
marriage; I am indeed ashamed, both of myself and of her.
I make no money! That explains everything, the reproach of her glance,
her admiration for fruitful commonplaces, culminating in the steps she
took but lately to obtain for me I don't know what post in a government
office.
At this, however, I resisted. No defence remains to me but this, a force
of inertia, which yields to no assault, to no persuasion. She may speak
for hours, freeze me with her chilliest smile, my thought ever escapes
her, will always escape her. And we have come to this! Married and
condemned to live together, leagues of distance separate us; and we are
both too weary, too utterly discouraged, to care to make one step that
might draw us together. It is horrible!
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