REFLECTIONS.—VISIT TO WASHINGTON.—VISIT TO RAINSFORD ISLAND.—VIEWS OF DEATH.—REFLECTIONS.
From memorandum-book of property, December 31, 1835:
"My expenses have been —— thousand dollars this year; of which about one half went for persons and objects that make me feel that it has been well expended, and is better used than to remain in my possession. God grant that I may have the disposition to use these talents in such manner as to receive at last the joyful sound of 'Well done!'"
On March 29, 1836, Mr. Lawrence writes:
"My anxiety for a day or two about little things kept me from the enjoyment of those bright scenes that are so common to me when not oppressed by any of these may be events. My nerves are in such a shattered state, that I am quite unfit to encounter the responsibilities incident to my station, and I am ashamed of myself thus to expose my weakness."
During the spring, Mr. Lawrence's health was so feeble, and his nervous system so shattered, that a journey was recommended; and, in the month of May, in company with his friend and pastor, the Rev. Dr. Lothrop, he paid a visit to his brother Abbott, at Washington, then the representative in Congress for Boston. During this journey, he experienced a severe illness, and was shortly joined by Mrs. Lawrence. The visit to Washington extended through several weeks: and, although his health remained feeble and the weather unfavorable, he seems to have been alive to objects around him, and interested in what was going forward in the halls of Congress as well as in the society of the capital. He speaks of visits to the houses of Congress, and pleasant rides on horseback, "with hosts of agreeable companions ready to sally forth when the weather shall permit." He also takes a survey of the general state of society in Washington, with an occasional allusion to some particular personage. He writes:
"It used to be said that Washington and the Springs were the places for matrimonial speculations. I feel a natural dislike to a lady being brought out as an extraordinary affair, having all perfections, and having refused forty-nine offers, and still being on the carpet. It shows that she is either very silly herself, or has very silly friends, or both. Good strong common sense is worth more than forty-nine offers, with any quantity of slaves, or bank-notes, or lands, without it. * * * * *
"I have passed two hours in the Representatives' Hall and Senate Chamber to-day. I heard the usual sparring, and confess myself greatly interested in it. I could learn nothing of the merits of any of the questions; but I had a preference, such as one feels in seeing two dogs fight, that one should beat. It was very agreeable to me to see and hear those various distinguished characters, and goes to demonstrate the common saying, that some objects appear smaller by our getting nearer to them."
During this absence, one of his family remaining at home had experienced a light attack of varioloid; and, according to the law then in force, was obliged to be transported to the Quarantine Hospital, situated in Boston Harbor. Soon after Mr. Lawrence's return from the South, he paid a visit to Rainsford Island, on the invitation of Dr. J. V. C. Smith, then Quarantine Physician, and there passed some weeks very pleasantly, riding about the island on his horse, and watching, from the shores, the sea-views, which, with the passing ships, here afford an endless variety.
In August, he returned to his own house in Boston; and, on the 21st, writes to his sister as follows:
"The scenery in front, side, and rear, and all within, is unrivalled, except by the charms of the dear old home of my mother and sister; in short, it seems to me that no two spots combine so many charms as my early and present homes; and they impress me more fully now by my being so well as to enjoy not only natural scenery, but the social intercourse with loved ones, that more than compensate for anything I may have lost by sickness and suffering. I yesterday was on horseback nearly three hours, but did not ride more than ten miles; and, in that distance, I went over some scenes that I felt unwilling to leave, especially some of the old works on and near Dorchester Heights, for they appeared more interesting than ever before, from the circumstance of your showing me that mass of original letters from Washington, Hancock, Samuel Adams, and various other revolutionary characters, to General Ward; some of them touching the occupation of these heights sixty years ago, and some of them alluding to scenes which have scarcely been noticed in the published histories of those days. All go to show, however, the whole souls of those men to have been engaged in their work; and, further, how vain it is for us of this day, who are ambitious of distinction, to found it on any other basis than uprightness of character, purity of life, and the active performance of all those duties included in 'the doing justly, loving mercy, and walking humbly.' How few of us remember this! I hardly know when I have been more forcibly impressed with a plain truth than I was yesterday, while sitting alone on horseback, on the top of the redoubt on Dorchester Heights, and the considerations of the past, the present, and the future, were the subject of my thoughts, connecting the men of those days with the present, and the men of these days with the future. The evidence is irresistible, that there is a downhill tendency in the character of the people, which, in sixty years more, will make us more corrupt than any other enlightened nation so young as ours, unless we are checked by adversity and suffering. But this is not what I intended to write about, so I will go to something else. The old revolutionary documents, memorials of our father, never appeared to me so interesting as now; and those I now return to you will be carefully preserved, and such others as you may find, added to them. I would give a great sum of money, if by it I could get all the documents I used to see when I was a child, and which we thought of so little value that we did not preserve them with that care which should have been used in a family which cherishes such deep feelings of respect and affection for parents."
The year 1837 will be remembered as one of great pecuniary embarrassment and distress in the commercial world. Mr. Lawrence alludes to it as follows, on May 13
"The violent pecuniary revulsion that has been anticipated for more than a year has at length overtaken this country, and is more severe than our worst fears. In addition to the failure of people to pay their debts, in all sections of the country, for the last two months, the banks, from Baltimore to Boston, and probably throughout the Union, as fast as the intelligence spreads, have suspended specie payment, and will not probably resume again very soon."
On December 17 of the same year, he writes to his mother as follows
"This day completes thirty years since my commencing business, with the hope of acquiring no very definite amount of property, or having in my mind any anticipation of ever enjoying a tithe of that consideration my friends and the public are disposed to award me at this time. In looking back to that period, and reviewing the events as they come along, I can see the good hand of God in all my experience; and acknowledge, with deep humiliation, my want of gratitude and proper return for all his mercies. May each day I live impress me more deeply with a sense of duty, and find me better prepared to answer his call, and account for my stewardship! The changes in our family have been perhaps no greater than usual in other families in that period, excepting in the matter of the eminent success that has attended our efforts of a worldly nature. This worldly success is the great cause of our danger in its uses, and may prove a snare, unless we strive to keep constantly in mind, that to whom much is given, of him will much be required. I feel my own deficiencies, and lament them; but am encouraged and rewarded by the enjoyment, in a high degree, of all my well-meant efforts for the good of those around me. In short, I feel as though I can still do a little to advance the cause of human happiness while I remain here. My maxim is, that I ought to 'work while the day lasts; for the night of death will soon overtake me, when I can no more work.' I continue to mend in strength, and feel at times the buoyancy of early days. It is now raining in torrents, keeping us all within doors. I have been at work with gimblet, saw, fore-plane, and hammer, thus securing a good share of exercise without leaving my chamber."
"January 1, 1838.—Bless the Lord, O my soul! and forget not all his benefits; for he has restored my life twice during the past year, when I was apparently dead, and has permitted me to live, and see and enjoy much, and has surrounded me with blessings that call for thankfulness. The possession of my mind, the intercourse with beloved friends, the opportunity of performing some labor as his steward (although imperfectly done), all call upon me for thanksgiving and praise. The violent revulsion in the business of the country during the past year has been ruinous to many; but, so far as my own interests are concerned, has been less than I anticipated. My property remains much as it was a year ago. Something beyond my income has been disposed of; and I have no debts against me, either as a partner in the firm or individually. Everything is in a better form for settlement than at any former period, and I hope to feel ready to depart whenever called."
The following is copied from an account-book, presented at the commencement of the year to his youngest son, then twelve years of age:
"My dear Son: I give you this little book, that you may write in it how much money you receive, and how you use it. It is of much importance, in forming your early character, to have correct habits, and a strict regard to truth in all you do. For this purpose, I advise you never to cheat yourself by making a false entry in this book. If you spend money for an object you would not willingly have known, you will be more likely to avoid doing the same thing again if you call it by its right name here, remembering always that there is One who cannot be deceived, and that He requires his children to render an account of all their doings at last. I pray God so to guide and direct you that, when your stewardship here is ended, he may say to you that the talents intrusted to your care have been faithfully employed.
"Your affectionate father,
A. L."
In transmitting to his sister a letter received from Baltimore, from a mutual friend, he writes, on March 12, in a postscript:
"This morning seems almost like a foretaste of heaven. The sun shines bright, the air is soft; I am comfortable, and expect a pleasant drive in the neighborhood. It is indeed brilliant, beautiful, and interesting to me, beyond any former experience of my life. I am the happiest man alive, and yet would willingly exchange worlds this day, if it be the good pleasure of our best Friend and Father in heaven."
The extract quoted above will give an idea of that state of mind in which Mr. Lawrence was often found by his friends, and which he unceasingly strove to cultivate. He could not always exult in the same buoyant and almost rapturous feelings here expressed; for, with his feeble frame and extreme susceptibility to outward influences, to believe such was the case would be to suppose him more than mortal. The willingness to exchange worlds was, however, a constant frame of mind; and the daily probability of such an event he always kept in view. The work of each day was performed with the feeling that it might be his last; and there is, throughout his correspondence and diary, frequent allusion to the uncertain tenure by which he held life, and his determination to work while the day lasted. If a matter was to be attended to, of great or little importance, whether the founding a professorship, signing a will, or paying a household bill, all was done at the earliest moment, with the habitual remark, "I may not be here to-morrow to do it."
In the same cheerful spirit, he writes to his son a few days after his marriage, and then on a journey to Virginia:
"The whole scene here on Thursday last was so delightful that I hardly knew whether I was on the earth, or floating between earth and heaven. I have been exalted ever since, and the group of happy friends will be a sunny spot in your no less than in their remembrance."
To his sister he writes, Dec. 22:
"It is thirty-one years this week since I commenced business on my own account, and the prospects were as gloomy at that period for its successful pursuit as at any time since; but I never had any doubt or misgiving as to my success, for I then had no more wants than my means would justify. The habits then formed, and since confirmed and strengthened by use, have been the foundation of my good name, good fortune, and present happy condition. At that time (when you know I used to visit you as often as I could, by riding in the night until I sometimes encroached upon the earliest hour of the Sabbath before reaching my beloved home, to be at my business at the dawn of day on Monday morning), my gains were more than my expenses; thus strengthening and encouraging me in the steady pursuit of those objects I had in view as a beginner. From that time to this, I am not aware of ever desiring or acquiring any great amount by a single operation, or of taking any part of the property of any other man and mingling it with my own, where I had the legal right to do so. I have had such uniform success as to make my fidelity a matter of deep concern to myself; and my prayer to God is, that I may be found to have acted a uniform part, and receive the joyful 'Well done,' which is substantial wealth, that no man can take away. If my experience could be made available by my successors, I sometimes feel that it would be a guaranty that they would keep in the best path; but, as they are to be fitted by discipline for the journey, it is perhaps a vain thing for me to allow any doubts to rest upon my mind that that discipline is not for their highest good. The pleasures of memory have never been more highly enjoyed than during the period of my last sickness. They have solaced my pains, and supported me through numerous fainting fits, growing out of the surgical treatment I have endured. I would ask you, my dear sister, if a merciful Parent has not stretched forth his hand almost visibly to support me through this trying scene, by scattering in my path these flowers and fruits so freely as almost to make me forget bodily pains; and bless him for what is past, and trust that what is future will be the means of making me a better man."
"December 31, 1838.—The business of the year now brought to a close has been unexpectedly productive, and the prospects of continued success are very flattering. At the commencement of the year, my life seemed a flickering light, with small hope of its continuance through the winter; but a merciful Providence has permitted a brighter view, and my happiness through the year has been superior to that of any year of my life."
After enumerating some domestic events which had contributed to this result, he adds:
"My own health is so far restored as to allow me the enjoyment of everything around me in perfection. May God in mercy keep me mindful of my duties, and prepared to surrender my account at any moment he may call me hence!"