ADVICE TO THE WORKING-MAN.
Let it not be said that the first principles of good breeding are unknown to the working-man; he may be ignorant of the usages of society, but he can, if he please, maintain a becoming and agreeable deportment. What generally makes him coarse and surly, is the prejudice, unhappily too widely spread, that the rich man feels above him. This is a great mistake; it is not the blouse that is shunned, it is the rudeness of the man who wears it. Labor is always held in esteem by any man of sense; but who can regard coarseness and rudeness with respect? Two workmen enter a saloon, they talk as if in the street, abuse those whom they name "aristocrats," and make such a disturbance, that the waiter shows them to the door. Is it the working-man who is thus used? no, verily, it is the insulter of the public. A man in broadcloth, who should conduct himself thus, would, in like manner, be requested to retire from the company of those whom he was disturbing. However, the operative thus treated, always exclaims: "Though one is a workman, he is as good as you." But, in this case, he is not in the character of a working-man, but in that of a consumer, like all the others seeking their comfort or pleasure; none of whom would think of saying, if such a thing happened to them, "I am a lawyer;" or, "I am a physician;" or, "I am an officer." In a public establishment, such as a cafe, or hotel, or in public conveyances, all are equal, and no one should be suffered to be insolent, or vulgar, or rude.
The rich man, on his part, knows that there are laws of politeness to be observed toward all. The upstart or snob alone gives himself the habit of speaking rudely to those he employs; he alone affects to humble them by his tone of superiority. The man of true nobility is polite to every one, be he rich or poor.
LOVE, COURTSHIP, AND MARRIAGE.[A]
In the matter of Love it would be hard to lay down any formal rules; the heart is its own teacher; if its impulses be true and pure, your looks, words, and actions will be in no danger of doing you any particular discredit. Even awkwardness is sometimes eloquent, and makes a better companion than the most elegant self-possession, since it proclaims the reality of your passion, and the diffidence of real affection. Love has a language of its own, and will not thank any book of etiquette for a lesson. If the maiden be modest, and the youth sincere and manly, they will appreciate and understand each other without danger of mistakes.
It has been said that any refined and delicate woman can prevent an offer which she does not intend to accept, and we believe that, in most cases, she can; saving herself the pain of refusal, and her lover the mortification of being rejected.
It is a poor triumph for a young lady to say, or to feel, that she has refused five, ten, or twenty offers of marriage; it is about the same as acknowledging herself a trifler and coquette, who, from motives of personal vanity, tempts and induces hopes and expectations which she has predetermined shall be disappointed. Such a course is, to a certain degree, both unprincipled and immodest.
It is a still greater crime when a man conveys the impression that he is in love, by actions, gallantries, looks, attentions, all—except that he never commits himself—and finally withdraws his devotions, exulting in the thought that he has said or written nothing which can legally bind him.
But true love, as we remarked before, will find for itself some becoming expression and—
"needs not the foreign child of ornament."
Love, of course, unless some insuperable barrier exists, will be followed in due time by Courtship. Here some formalities will begin to be observed. The passion which blushed to own itself to itself, having been crowned, becomes a matter of interest to others than the two most particularly concerned. If a young man thinks fit to address himself first to the young lady, to find if his attentions be agreeable to her, he should not delay, after gaining her consent to them, to respectfully solicit the approval of her parents or guardians. This is due to them, and should not be put off on account of any unworthy fear or timidity.
It is customary in some circles for the parents to make the betrothal immediately known to their friends, and even to give a kind of preliminary festival at which the couple are publicly congratulated.
Good taste will dictate the avoidance of any expression of fondness between the parties when in company.
Envy and satire are ever on the look-out for subjects of ridicule, and it is well to give them no opportunity. Sentiment which is beautiful in the family circle, is often odious in society. The same rule holds good with relatives and newly-married people. Their devotion to each other should be put aside, and the claims of others upon their courtesy and time duly honored.
The amount of attention permissible before marriage, such as walking, driving, concert-going, etc., depends very much upon the customs of the place in which the persons reside. Public opinion and habit should not be invaded without some good and weighty reason, even with the most innocent purposes. It can not be desirable to provoke remark and censure, however indifferent you may feel towards its authors.
The Marriage ceremony varies with the fortunes and wishes of those interested.
In regard to the form of the rite, no specific direction are necessary; for those who are to be married by ministers, will study the form of their particular church—the Methodists their "Book of Discipline," the Episcopalians their "Book of Common Prayer," the Catholics their Ritual, etc., etc. In most cases a rehearsal of the ceremony is made in private, that the pair may the more perfectly understand the necessary forms. If the parties are to be wedded by a magistrate, the ceremony is almost nominal—it is a mere repetition of a vow. The Catholic and Episcopal forms have the most ceremony, and doubtless are the most impressive, though no more effectually marrying than the simplest form.
There are, however, some generally received rules which govern this momentous and interesting occasion, and to these we refer all interested.
When the wedding is not strictly in private, it is customary for bridesmaids and groomsmen to be chosen to assist in the duties of the occasion.
The bridesmaids should be younger than the bride; their dresses should be conformed to hers; they should not be any more expensive, though they are permitted more ornament. They are generally chosen of light, graceful material; flowers are the principal decoration.
The bride's dress is marked by simplicity. But few jewels or ornaments should be worn, and those should be the gift of the bridegroom or parents. A veil and garland are the distinguishing features of the dress.
The bridesmaids assist in dressing the bride, receiving the company, etc.; and, at the time of the ceremony, stand at her left side, the first bridesmaid holding the bouquet and gloves.
The groomsmen receive the clergyman, present him to the couple to be married, and support the bridegroom upon the right, during the ceremony.
If it is an evening wedding, at home, immediately after "these twain are made one," they are congratulated: first by the relatives, then by the friends, receiving the good wishes of all; after which, they are at liberty to leave their formal position, and mingle with the company. The dresses, supper, etc., are usually more festive and gay than for a morning wedding and reception, where the friends stop for a few moments only, to congratulate the newly-married pair, taste the cake and wine, and hurry away.
When the ceremony is performed in church, the bride enters at the left, with her father, mother, and bridesmaids; or, at all events, with a bridesmaid. The groom enters at the right, followed by his attendants. The parents stand behind, the attendants at either side.
The bride should be certain that her glove is readily removable; the groom, that the ring is where he can find it, to avoid delay and embarrassment.
When they leave the church, the newly-married couple walk arm-in-arm. They have usually a reception of a couple of hours at home, for their intimate friends, then a breakfast, then leave upon the "bridal tour."
The wording of invitations, and the styles of cards, are so constantly changing, that it will not do to lay down rules. Cards of invitation to the wedding are usually sent out in the name of the mother. [See page 70.]
A few days before the return of the wedded pair, their own especial card is sent to those whom they desire shall call upon them, and whose acquaintance they wish to retain.
However plain the dress chosen for the occasion, gloves and shoes must be faultless. There should be flowers if possible; they are never more in place.
The fee of the clergyman will be decided by the fortune and position of the groom. No doubt, in the joy of his heart, the just married will be liberal; if he is not, upon this occasion, he never will be. The first groomsman will take charge of this matter.
The travelling dresses should not be marked by "bridal favors," if the happy couple wish to avoid the curious scrutiny of strangers.
Married people should never intrude "family jars" nor family devotion upon company. Husband and wife should be pleasant and affectionate in their demeanor, with a show of reserve, while in the presence of "the world." It is improper to say "husband" and "wife," in speaking of your companion to others. Use their title, as Mr. or Mrs.—that is, to all but intimate friends. Especially, do not introduce, "my wife," or "my husband." Caresses, disagreements, and significant glances betraying secret intelligence, are all out of place in general company.
The "honeymoon" is a mythic time. It is generally regarded as extending to the first six weeks, during which period the young couple must give themselves up to receptions of friends, to attending parties made in their honor, etc. The real honeymoon should last through life, and will, if the pair is properly mated. Therefore, let the choice be made in no haste and passion and blindness, but in deliberation and calm exercise of judgment.