BALLS, EVENING-PARTIES, RECEPTIONS, ETC.
To deport oneself satisfactorily at the dance, it is necessary to understand much about the dances which may be introduced. It is a charming accomplishment to be a good dancer, and we shall not hesitate to advise all, male and female, to learn the Terpsichorean art, ere the days of youth are past. It is unnecessary to argue the pros and cons of the proprieties and moralities of the dance; we prefer to let each judge for him or herself on the debated question; but, that it is a real accomplishment, and a desirable one, to be familiar with the etiquette and technicalities of the ball or soiree, is our most firm conviction, and we therefore introduce such observations and rules here as should govern the occasions of balls, soirees, receptions, etc.
An invitation to a dance should be given at least a week beforehand. A lady sometimes requires time to prepare her toilet. The host of the house receives you; and after the usual compliments, which should be very brief, do not fail in polite recognitions to any lady in the company with whom you are acquainted. If you introduce a friend, make him acquainted with the names of the chief persons present; by this precaution you will often save him an indiscretion; and make him feel more at his ease. These ball-room introductions are not regarded as introductions for a more extended acquaintance than for the evening. Should the parties afterward meet upon the street or elsewhere, let the gentleman be careful not to presume upon any recognition of the lady until she has first bowed. If she fails to extend this recognition, let the gentleman take no umbrage, for he has no real claim upon her acquaintance merely from a public ball-room introduction. An introduction at a private soiree is another thing; there the relations of the parties introduced are the same as at any private party: they are permanently introduced if at all.
If a gentleman escorts a lady to the dance, he is her cavalier for the evening; he must see that she is always provided with agreeable partners; that she always has a seat when required; has the necessary refreshments, etc. He must dance with her first of all, and as often, during the evening, as is proper, considering the claims of others and the wishes of the lady.
Avoid seeking the same partner (other than your lady en charge) in the dance too often; you will excite remark, and will expose yourself to the charge of partiality or perhaps of coquetry. It is a graceful attention in a young man to select as partners those ladies whose want of personal attractions condemn them to the terrible punishment of being the "wall-flowers" of the evening. Such attentions will procure you a feeling of grateful regard, especially if you acquit yourself with tact and real kindness.
If a married lady is present, and dancing while her husband is in the room, a person desiring her for a partner should first be sure that it is agreeable to the husband for him to offer his hand to the lady.
If a crowd is present, and a gentleman has occasion to make his way through a press of crinoline and drapery, he should proceed most carefully—haste would be very rude and inexcusable; the danger of soiling, or tearing, or disarranging a lady's costume forbids any gentleman making a careless step.
If it is necessary to step in front of a lady in passing, always apologize for the step; otherwise she may very properly think you do not know what belongs to good manners. A lady is always pleased with an apology if it is gracefully and kindly made; and no gentleman will ever suffer such an occasion to pass in silence, without he really designs an affront, or except he is absolutely ignorant of what is proper and respectful.
A good authority before us says:—In a quadrille, or other dance, while awaiting the music, or while unengaged, a lady and gentleman should avoid long conversations, as they are apt to interfere with the progress of the dance; while, on the other hand, a gentleman should not stand like an automaton, as though he were afraid of his partner, but endeavor to render himself agreeable by those "airy nothings" which amuse for the moment, and are in harmony with the occasion. You should, however, not only on such occasions, but invariably, avoid the use of slang terms and phrases, they being, to the last degree, vulgar and objectionable. Indeed, one of the charms of conversation consists in the correct use of language. Dr. Johnson, whose reputation as a talker was hardly less than that which he acquired as a writer, prided himself on the appositeness of his quotations, the choice of his words, and the correctness of his expressions. Had he lived in this "age of progress," he would have discovered that his Lexicon was not only incomplete, but required numerous emendations. We can fancy the irritable moralist endeavoring to comprehend the idea which a young lady wishes to convey, when she expresses the opinion that a bonnet is "awful," or a young gentleman of his coat, when he asserts that it is "played out!" If any one thing marks a person's "bringing up," it is the language used in company; and it may be set down as an almost invariable rule, that any one who uses slang words, who talks loudly and rudely, who utters an oath, or who becomes angered and expresses it, is no gentleman, and has not had good associations. For a lady to be guilty of even one of these sins, is too palpably inexcusable to need remark.
The author quoted above, adds this excellent advice upon a very common ball-room sin, viz.: scandal and strictures upon a person's appearance, dress, etc. He says:—"There is a custom which is sometimes practiced both in the assembly-room and at private parties, which can not be too strongly reprehended,—we allude to the habit of ridicule and ungenerous criticism of those who are ungraceful, or otherwise obnoxious to censure, which is indulged in by the thoughtless, particularly among the dancers. Of its gross impropriety and vulgarity we need hardly express an opinion; but there is such an utter disregard for the feelings of others implied in this kind of negative censorship, that we can not forbear to warn our young readers to avoid it. The 'Koran' says: 'Do not mock—the mocked may be better than the mocker.' Those you condemn may not have had the same advantages as yourself in acquiring grace or dignity, while they may be infinitely superior in purity of heart and mental accomplishments. The advice of Chesterfield to his son, in his commerce with society, to do as you would be done by, is founded on the Christian precept, and worthy of commendation. Imagine yourself the victim of others' ridicule, and you will cease to indulge in a pastime which only gains for you the hatred of those you satirize, if they chance to observe you, and the contempt of others who have noticed your violation of politeness, and abuse of true sociality."
Ladies will always be careful of their associates. At the public ball are occasionally to be found persons whose acquaintance it is not proper to make. The young female is ever the cynosure of all eyes, and can not comport herself too strictly, nor choose her partners too carefully. It is not best to be "prudish," but it is right and necessary to be cautious and discreet.
In walking up or down the room the lady should always be accompanied by a gentleman; it is quite improper to saunter around alone.
When a young lady declines dancing with a gentleman, it is her duty to give him a reason why, although some thoughtless ones do not. No matter how frivolous it may be, it is simply an act of courtesy to offer him an excuse; while, on the other hand, no gentleman ought so far to compromise his self-respect as to take the slightest offence at seeing a lady by whom he has just been refused, dance immediately after with some one else. A lady has a hundred motives for conduct which she can not explain; and for a gentleman to take offence at her simple declination to dance is very silly and unmanly.
During the act of dancing all parties should have on their summer looks. Dancing is rightly supposed to be an enjoyment, but the somber countenances of some who engage in it, might almost lead to the belief that it were a solemn duty being performed. If, says a shrewd observer, those who laugh in church would transfer their merriment to the assembly-room, and those who are sad in the assembly-room would carry their gravity to the church, they both might discover the appositeness of Solomon's declaration, that "there is a time to be merry and a time to be sad."
It should ever be the study of both sexes to render themselves agreeable. Gentlemen, as we have said, should avoid showing marked preference to particular ladies, by devoting their undivided attentions to them, or dancing exclusively with them. Too often, the "belle of the evening," with no other charms than beauty of form and feature, monopolizes the regards of a circle of admirers, while modest merit, of less personal attraction, is both overlooked and neglected. We honor the generous conduct of those, particularly the "well-favored," who bestow their attentions on ladies who, from conscious lack of beauty, least expect them. The real man of sense will not fail to recognize most solicitously any lady who may seem neglected or unattended.
On the other hand, no lady, however numerous the solicitations of her admirers, should consent to dance repeatedly when, by so doing, she excludes other ladies from participating in the same amusement; still less, as we have hinted, should she dance exclusively with the same gentleman, to the disadvantage of others.
What has elsewhere been said in regard to dress and ornament will apply fully to the occasion of the dance. Let simplicity be the guide, and not display. The lady tricked out in many jewels and ribbons looks too much like a moving advertisement to command respect for it. If ladies generally knew how deep an impression a pure style of dress makes upon the other sex, and realized how trifling a gaudy dress seems to the person of true taste, we surmise their vanity alone would impel to simpler attire, rather than to elaborate and costly display.
In regard to a gentleman's dress for the dance, we may add: white gloves, white vest, light colored cravat, dress-coat, black pants, and patent-leather gaiters, or light calf-skin boots well polished, constitute the proper ball-room or soiree costume. The much talked of "independence" of Americans, professes disdain of many of the requisitions of dress established by good usage in England and France. A frock-coat would not be tolerated a moment in any fashionable society in Europe. Whether it be esteemed a prejudice or otherwise, we are free to confess that, in our own opinion, the frock-coat is a violation of good taste, as unsuited either to a ball-room or private assembly. The ordinary dress-coat, which is in no respect in the way, and which leaves the limbs perfectly free to move gracefully, is the only proper coat for the party and dance.
When a lady has accepted refreshment, her attending gentleman should hasten to relieve her of her glass or plate; and, as her cavalier, should see that all her wants and wishes have been complied with. The refreshments over, the gentleman should offer his arm and gallant the lady to her seat in the ball-room; or, if she wishes to retire to the dress-room, he should gallant her to the door, and there await her coming out to convey her to the dancing-floor again. The ladies dressing-room, it is unnecessary to say, is a sacred precinct into which no man should ever presume to look; to go into it would be an outrage which none could overlook or forgive.
When the hour comes for retiring home, be sure to be ready for the lady whom you have accompanied to the dance; your obligations are not discharged until she is again, under your own eyes, seen safely at her own door. If you have come to the room unattended, select, during the latter part of the evening, some lady who, it may seem, will be glad of your company home; offer her your services and, if she signifies assent, be careful to be ready at her call. Await at the door of the dressing-room for her, and offering your arm do the gallant kindly but not ostentatiously nor too officiously. Leave her at her own door, after the bell has been answered, and not until then.
In leaving an evening-party it is unnecessary to seek the master of the house. Your farewell will be dispensed with; you should leave without disturbing any one to occasion remark. This rule is often misunderstood, but it should not be.