GENERAL OBSERVANCES, INTRODUCTIONS, ETC.
Among the gentilities of life, visits hold a first place, and deserve attention. Their various occasion, their different character and purpose, their meaning are multiple, and have, therefore, some forms necessary to be preserved. We may remark that visits are classified as follows, viz.: visits of mere form and policy; visits of real friendship; visits of congratulation and of condolence; visits to give out invitations for dinner, or a dance, or an evening party; visits of state, where the party called upon is a "lion," an eminent person, etc., etc.
The general style of dress to be adopted upon all these occasions, is one of studied neatness rather than of display or of elegance. Display upon such occasions is really vulgar—it should be reserved for the gay and brilliant soiree or evening company, if it is made at all.
The time for the visit is after twelve o'clock, noon; before that hour the lady of the house is supposed to be busy at her household duties, and in getting the rooms in order for the day: never make a call before that hour.
Occupy but a brief time in your call, for you know not how much the lady of the house may have to do, nor where she may wish to go, hence it is best always to make your call brief. If strongly urged to remain longer, it would be impolite to go in haste; but, as a general thing, let fifteen or twenty minutes be the time spent in the visit. You will not then be voted a "bore," but, on the other hand, will be considered a pleasant caller—particularly if you have made yourself agreeable.
Should another person be announced or enter on a visit before your own visit is finished, it is but proper for you immediately to retire, unless you may be intimate with both the host and the new-comer, and are invited to remain. Otherwise be not precipitate to leave, but politely withdraw, for you do not know what "confidences" there may be to be talked over.
Visits of congratulation upon occasion of marriage, or safe return from a journey, or long absence, or escape from calamity, should be at as early a moment as the party seems ready for such visits; and should be always made when you entertain a regard for the person interested. It is now the practice for newly-married people to send out their cards to those of their old friends with whom they wish to renew acquaintance in their new relationships; and it is a sign that you do not wish to renew the acquaintance if you fail to respond to the card by calling. If you fail to call, the parties can not consistently recognize you afterward, except you have some good and sufficient apology to offer for your absence from their reception-rooms.
Visits of condolence are too much neglected in this "fast" country of ours. In Europe the custom of calling upon those who have suffered a loss by death is quite general. The call, of course, should be brief, and the words offered of the kindest and most considerate character. It will greatly relieve the pangs of sorrow for the living to feel that others are solicitous for their welfare.
After you have attended a party, soiree, or sociable, it is proper to call upon your host within a fortnight, to make inquiries after his or her health, and to remark upon the pleasure you experienced on the occasion of the party. This is a pleasant way of showing your friends that their efforts to please you are appreciated.
New Year visits, strangely enough, are not general in this country outside of a few large cities. The first day of the New Year is set apart for general "calls," when houses are "open," and all are privileged to enter who are friends of the host, or who are in company with a person who is on the calling list of the house. It is not proper for a perfect stranger to enter a room and introduce himself to the ladies present, just because the door is "open;" if you wish to call upon the receivers of company, get some proper friend to introduce you. Even the freedom of New Year's day will not excuse a liberty with strangers.
In many instances houses are not open to "calls," on New Year's day, for various reasons. In cases of this kind, it is a pleasant reminder of your existence, and of your wish to continue your social relations for the year, to send in your card sometime during January, or, what is better, to call sometime during the month, and re-establish yourself in the list of friends of the party.
Of the various technicalities of these several occasions, we may say:
Never forget to enter the room with thoroughly-cleaned boots. Always use the scraper and mats at the door.
If you meet any one on the staircase, you should uncover, whoever it may be. You should do the same in case of an introduction.
If you have a cane, keep it in your hand, and be careful not to make much noise with your boots.
When a new visitor enters a drawing-room, if it be a gentleman, the ladies bow slightly; if a lady, every one rises.
Beware of asking the hour, or of taking out your watch during a visit; avoid spitting on the floor—your pocket-handkerchief will serve your purpose. To place your hat on any article of furniture when you enter a room is ungenteel; to lay it on a bed is unpardonable. You must hold it in your hand, or leave it with your over-coat in the anteroom. Crossing the legs, and stretching them out at full length, are equally improper.
The last arrival in a drawing-room takes a seat left vacant near the mistress of the house.
A lady is not required to rise on receiving a gentleman, nor to accompany him to the door.
If you are invited to lay down your hat, place it beside, not before you.
A young man will avoid sitting in an arm-chair—which should always be awarded to the ladies or old gentlemen present. Leave the seat next the fire to superiors in age or position. The children of the family should assist their parents in receiving visitors, relieve the ladies of their wrappings, provide seats, and accompany to the door.
Never look about you in a room, as if you were making an inventory.
The gloves should not be removed during a visit. To brush your hat with your hand will expose you to the charge of extreme vulgarity.
At the entrance of a visitor you should rise. A professional man in his office is alone exempted from this custom.
A lady does not put her address on her visiting-card. We may here also add these further general hints and suggestions:
Naturalness is an essential item in good-breeding. Hear what La Bruyere thinks on this important question: "Some young people do not sufficiently understand the advantages of natural charms, and how much they would gain by trusting to them entirely. They weaken these gifts of heaven, so rare and fragile, by affected manners and an awkward imitation. Their tones and their gait are borrowed; they study their attitudes before the glass, until they have lost all trace of natural manner, and, with all their pains, they please but little."
Without being vain, a young girl should be careful of her person. Nothing is more repugnant to good taste, than an air of neglect in the toilet and deportment of woman. The hair and head-dress especially require care and neatness.
Beware of imitating those people who never know what to do with their bodies, and can never keep their hands quiet.
Swinging on one's chair is extremely ill-bred.
The eye-glass stuck in the eye, denotes either the dandy, the clerk, or the student. This custom is in no way disagreeable to the passers-by, but it has an air of ill-breeding and impertinence.
To follow a lady in the street, and turn the head to stare at her, is still more impertinent than to do so in a promenade, especially in cities, for reasons which can not be further averted to in a book intended for young persons of both sexes.
Familiarity with servants should be avoided, but they should always be addressed with civility.
Some people, in speaking to you, have a silly habit of passing their hand through the hair, or stroking the mustache; some even carry a pocket-comb, which they produce on all occasions, for dressing the beard; others bite their nails, play with their watch-key, or jingle the money in their pocket; all these offences against propriety denote a want of good-breeding.
Excess in perfume should be avoided, lest the suspicion be excited that you deal in the odors that you inhale.
Good-sense has often more to do than education, in making a polished man.
One of the essential qualities of good-breeding, is deserving general esteem by one's deportment.
In little social games, a malicious girl will sometimes amuse herself by imposing on a companion a forfeit that will make her ridiculous; this shows a bad disposition of mind as well as ill-breeding.
If, in offering a lady a gift, you select one that is very costly, you may be guilty of an impertinence.
To speak in society of private matters, is extremely improper.
Turning up the sleeves on sitting down to table, as some persons do, is gross in the highest degree.
A habit of swearing always marks a vulgar man.
Calling to the waiter with a loud voice in a public-room, and striking violently on the table, are indicative of extreme ignorance.
A snuff-taker should not take out his box at table; his neighbor will be little pleased at receiving the stray grains in his plate.
Indiscreet questions are impertinent, as well as unseasonable harangues.
You should be ready to act the knight, if a lady in your company is attacked. If she give offence, and that without reason, your office is that of mediator. You should even ask pardon for your companion. A bully would act otherwise; but it is absurd to get into a quarrel for the sake of maintaining that a person who is insolent has a right to be so, and that because he is of your company. You will show yourself, in acting thus, as ill-bred as he.
If, in doing an obliging act, you make people feel the obligation, you deprive it entirely of its value.
If you speak of a friend to a person who is not intimate with both him and you, preface his name with the word Mr. It would not be proper to say to a servant or a porter, "Is Julius here?" You must say, "Is Mr. Julius here?"
A servant who understands propriety, always speaks of his superiors in the third person.
When you receive a present, it would be an offence to the donor to dismiss the porter without a gratuity.
If the honor of a woman be attacked, you should always defend it. It is not allowable for any one to assail the reputation of a lady, even if she be open to censure.
In walking with a lady in the street, leave her the inner side of the pavement. If you meet friends in a narrow passage, or on a footpath, be careful not to block up the way. It would be very impolite to inconvenience the passers-by in this manner.
In whatever society you are, it is unpardonable to remain covered in the presence of a lady. Louis XIV., going one day on foot out of the castle of Versailles, uncovered before a vender of cakes who was stationed near the gate. The courtiers having expressed their surprise; "Gentlemen," said the monarch, "is not the king's mother a woman?" Our readers may also remember the incident related of Henry Clay: a negro woman courtesied to him, when he raised his hat politely to her in return. "What!" said a friend, "do you recognize negroes?" The noble reply was: "I never allow negroes to excel me in good manners."
When your visitor retires, you should accompany him to the anteroom, and save him the trouble of opening the door. In the case of a lady or an old gentleman, it is proper to go to the foot of the staircase.