HOW TO ORDER A HOME.—RULES FOR HOME CONDUCT AND FAMILY ETIQUETTE.
As we have said, all true politeness is founded in kindness and unselfishness. Nowhere is there a better chance for its better display than in the family circle. Here we may be certain that it springs from genuine goodness, as there is nothing to be gained by its practice, except the reward which comes from all well-doing. We may say that in no place is there so much need of its exercise, in order to keep the wheels of life running smoothly; for "family jars," as they are laughingly called, are very apt to occur, unless the oil of kindness is used to subdue the friction. Children should always show their parents that respect and tenderness which is their due. Even where they may consider that they have been unjustly dealt with, it is well for them to remember their own inexperience, that, possibly, their judgment may not be as perfect as they now believe it to be; and that, at all events, the love and care bestowed upon them, in the helpless days of their childhood, entitle their parents to regard and consideration.
For children to place their parents in a ridiculous light before others, mocking their defects, or appearing too conscious of their old-fashioned manners, is only a proof of their own weakness, and will lessen them in the esteem of any amiable person.
For children to assume the most comfortable chairs, the most conspicuous places, or, in any way, to intrude themselves first, to the neglect of then parents, is a very grave fault.
It is desirable to take the first step in the courtesies of the day, which engender so much pleasant feeling, by meeting the different members of the family with a cheerful "Good-morning."
It is highly desirable that, at table, the same rules of precedence, the same moderation and nicety be observed which would be practiced if guests were present. Fixed habits of politeness will only be attained where they are cultivated at home.
No scrambling, haste, untidiness, or noise should be allowed among the younger members of the circle. They should be made to wait quietly until their elders are served, to eat without unseemly greediness, and drink without labored breathing or spasmodic sounds. If early trained to propriety, it will not be necessary to banish them from the table every time that company is present. Such banishment will tend to make them awkward and lacking in self-possession; though, of course, well-governed children will wait cheerfully when there is necessity for it.
A pleasant "thank you," or "I'm obliged to you," spoken by one sister to another, to a brother, or a mother, for a favor conferred, will last, even in a selfish point of view; for it will increase the disposition to be kind, and will lighten the burden of any little service unmistakably. Children should never press around a visitor with the question, "How long are you going to stay?" nor around a relative or parent, returned from an absence, with, "What have you brought me?" "Did you bring me any thing pretty?" If they have reason to expect a present, let them refrain from alluding to it, lest the friend should suspect they thought more of the gift than of welcoming the giver.
If a new member enters the family, as the bride of a brother, or the husband of a sister, true good-breeding can never appear to better advantage, than in the kind reception and treatment of the new-comer. Ideas and habits in such an one, differing from those of the circle into which he or she may have come, should not be too severely criticised; for, it should be remembered, they have probably been differently educated. Even faults should be as charitably viewed as possible; and where respect and love are impossible, it is still best for those who must dwell together, to exercise Christian forbearance, and not forget such courtesies as the case admits of.
If you have invited guests, forget your own pleasure in consulting theirs; never do or say a rude thing to a guest. Many a jest, sarcasm, inattention, or slight, which would be excusable anywhere else, becomes a rudeness if it happens under your own roof to a person calling upon or visiting you. Even in a friendly argument, be careful not to forget yourself, and take sides too warmly against your opponent, if he be also your visitor or guest.
If you have extended a special invitation to a friend at a distance to come and remain with you for a time, if the friend be a lady, and arrives by any public conveyance, have yourself, your carriage, or some messenger at the spot of arrival to conduct her to your residence. The house should be in good order, that she may not feel disconcerted, nor that she is an intruder. Have all things prepared to give her a cheerful welcome. Let her not suffer from the neglect to provide for her comfort those things which she would not like to be compelled to ask for. Her room should be well supplied with the means of bathing and refreshing herself, and for arranging her toilet. The bureau should have empty drawers for the accommodation of her muslins, and the closet empty pegs for the reception of her dresses. She should be consulted as to the kind of bed she prefers, and allowed to retire early, the first evening, if fatigued with her journey. As some people are in the habit of sleeping under more covering than others, there should be a certainty of plenty, especially if the weather be chilly or changeable.
She should be made to feel welcome, and be honored by such civilities as will please her. If she is fond of company, and expects to be introduced to your circle of friends, you should apprise your friends in advance of her visit, that they may call upon her after her arrival.
The table should be neat and furnished with suitable dishes. Of course, your means and habits, will influence the amount of expense and trouble you can afford to go to; what we mean is, that a guest should not be left to feel neglected or uncared for. We have said "lady," in speaking of the visitor; but the same rules will be observed toward guests of the other sex; only they are not usually so much in the house, do not absorb so much of your time, nor require so much company. The gentleman of the house will see that his friend is amused and cared for when out with him during those hours not usually spent at home.
Do not allow your children to be troublesome to visitors; to climb upon them, soil their dresses with their fingers, handle their jewelry and ornaments, ask annoying questions, nor intrude themselves into their private apartments at unseasonable hours; nor ever, without first knocking and waiting to be bidden to come in. Do not, yourself, intrude without knocking; nor allow your servants to do so.
To permit children to ask visitors for money, or for articles in their possession, which the children may admire, is extremely out of place.
To permit children to follow company about, never giving them a moment of retirement, standing by while they make their toilet, and at all times and seasons, is not only annoying, but is vulgar.
If you have invited a friend or friends to tea, have every thing in readiness by the earliest hour at which they may be expected. Do not let them find fires just lighted, yourself not dressed, nor other evidences that they have arrived too soon.
Usually guests—especially ladies—will desire to lay aside their outer garments in some dressing-room, where they can give a glance at their hair, or arrange their dress, before being ushered into the parlor. If you have asked a gentleman friend, whom you knew has just come from his place of business, give him an opportunity of bathing his face and hands, and brushing his hair.
There are many little attentions to the entertainment and comfort of others which will not be wanting where the will is good and the heart sincere. Try to make all feel at ease and happy in your house.
While every attention is counseled to be shown to guests, let it not be supposed that show and seeming, to "keep up appearances" before others, is what is sought.
The inmates of the same house should endeavor to be agreeable to one another. No outside admiration can compensate for the want of love and respect at home. Gross neglect of attire, unseemly morning apparel, uncombed hair, and total neglect of those little arts and charms which make the female portion of the household so much more lovable, are inexcusable. We should bear in mind that the love of friends is worth more than the flattery of strangers. Only absolute ill-health, or great stress of employment, can excuse slovenly appearances at any hour of the day, in any member of the family.
The table should always be laid with a certain degree of care. Dishes should not be huddled on, nor dirty table-linen allowed, because there is no company to criticise. This will be one of the surest tests of the refinement of a family.
The birthdays of the different members should be honored with good wishes; and gifts, however trifling, if affectionately given, help to keep up that kindly feeling which is the life of the social circle.
It is well to have a few feast-days in the course of the year. Life was not made entirely for labor; and an occasional holiday is a bright spot for children to look back to when they are no longer children. This is only a hint—we would not assert it to be "etiquette."
While children should honor their parents, parents should never seek to humiliate or degrade their children. It is bad policy to assert to a child, "You were always bad," "There is no good in you," "You are a liar," or, "You have disgraced yourself beyond forgiveness." Teach your children to respect your moderation, if you wish them to govern their passions. Teach them to respect themselves, if you wish them to possess any manliness or sense of honor.
Never scold. Administer reproof in a calm manner; it will be much more effective, while it will not fail to preserve the respect of your servants and children much more successfully and satisfactorily than the harsher course.
If visitors call when it is impossible or very inconvenient for you to see them, do not be afraid to send word that you are engaged. They have no right to be offended. Better far to tell the truth than to send the false and silly message, that you are "not at home."