ACT II.
Scene:—The same; Mrs. Selwyn is discovered seated at secretaire writing; Grace looking over her shoulder.
Mrs. S. That will do, I think! (Strikes bell.)
Enter Dibbs.
Dibbs. Yes’m!
Mrs. S. Dibbs, I have a somewhat confidential errand to send you upon. You know the young gentleman who sent in his card this morning?
Dibbs. Yes, ma’am—good looking gent—touch of the brogue about him!
Mrs. S. That’s right! Take this letter to the address upon it, and give it into his own hands—remember, his own hands.
Dibbs. Suttingly, mum! (Going towards door.)
Mrs. S. And, Dibbs,—ahem—you need not mention your errand to my husband.
Dibbs. Not for the world, ma’am. (Aside.) Another secret! If this don’t get me a rise at the end of the month nothing will!
(Exit at back.
Grace. It is good of you, mamma, to help us at a time when papa seems so unreasonable—I will never have Mr. Bellamy, never!
Mrs. S. You never shall, my darling, but hush, here comes one of the enemy. (They sit, one on R., the other on L.)
Enter Fred still with Directory and hat in his hands; he falls exhausted in arm chair.
Fred. Pouf! A nice time I have had of it! (Seeing ladies and coming C.) Oh! I beg pardon, Mrs. Selwyn and Miss Grace! (They take no notice of him.) They don’t hear me apparently! (Aloud.) It’s very cool to-day, don’t you think so? (They turn their backs on him and give him the cut direct; Mrs. Selwyn, R., Grace, L.) This is strange! May I ask if Mr. Selwyn has gone out? (They remain silent.) Is this a joke or a new parlor game? (Speaking loudly.) I beg pardon, but is Mr. Selwyn at home?
Mrs. S. (turning towards him with icy coldness). Were you addressing us, Mr. Bellamy?
Fred. Yes! that was my intention!
Mrs. S. I am surprised you should dare to show your face here!
Grace. Even if you did save papa’s life you have no right to make me miserable!
Mrs. S. No gentleman would attempt to force his affections where they are not wanted!
Fred. Excuse me!
Mrs. S. Especially after such deceit which has luckily been discovered in time; of course we cannot argue with you if your own sense of honor does not prompt you to do what is right.
Fred (puzzled). Really, Mrs. Selwyn, you must be more explicit!
Mrs. S. We have said all that need be said to anyone with a spark of proper feeling. Good day, Mr. Bellamy!
Grace (imitating her mother). Good day, sir! (They courtesy very formally and go out, L. U. E.)
Fred (following them he has door slammed in his face, then putting down hat and Directory). What does this mean? I’m sent on a wild goose chase after a confounded Tompkins and on my return I am coolly snubbed by the wife and daughter of the man for whom I am slaving! I won’t put up with it! No! Thirty-seven Tompkinses have I tracked to their several and respective abodes. Most of them lived at the top of the houses, too! (Noting card left by Blithers.) What’s this, “Bosco Blithers!” What does it mean? He’s my Lottie’s father-in-law—what can he want here? Pshaw! He can’t have called here at all, I must have dropped the card myself! (Sitting down again, L.)
Sel. (entering exhausted, C.). I’m done up! They ought not to be allowed to make such long streets. (He sits.) Hullo! Do you know where that Dibbs is?
Fred. Not the least idea!
Sel. (wiping his forehead). I want to know if a young—a female has been here for me—have you seen one?
Fred. How the deuce can I tell? Haven’t I just returned from my Tompkins’s hunting?
Sel. I thought I saw her in a cab and ran a mile before I could get a peep inside. Oh, Fred! old man, if you knew how my heart was aching, and my corns were shooting, you would pity me!
Fred. Look here, Mr. Selwyn, I can’t stay here to hound down the entire Tompkins’s tribe. I shall leave town to-night!
Sel. What? Desert me in the moment of danger?
Fred. I’m no welcome guest in this house—the ladies don’t like me!
Sel. Not like you! They must like you, they shall dote on the very ground you walk on!
Fred. I don’t expect that, but I object to being openly snubbed.
Sel. Oh, it will soon blow over—don’t take any notice—it’s their way—mere whim—women are so whimmy!
Fred. But you know when it comes to——
Sel. (rising and crossing to him). I apologize! There! I don’t know what they did, but whatever it was I profess the utmost regret that it should have occurred—this is no time for us to part, we are each seated on a volcano—(Whispering.) She’s written to me!
Fred. Who?
Sel. The girl I met last night! She said she wanted to see me at once—but forgot to put her number in Bond street in her letter, so I have been trotting up and down for three hours inquiring for her by her Christian name, as I know no other. I want to buy her silence! That’s volcano number one!
Fred. What’s the other Vesuvius?
Sel. “Tompkins” has been here! You know Tompkins, the duelist.
Fred. No!
Sel. I offered to apologize to him, too, but he was one of those bland but bloodthirsty fellows who thirst for human gore—he wouldn’t hear of it—I got his address, I flew to humiliate myself on his doorstep, but he had given me a false one.
Fred. A false doorstep!
Sel. No, a false address—but we must find the real one—go on, dear boy, go on with your search. (Handing Directory and hat.) Take your implements! Stanley discovered Livingstone, why shouldn’t Bellamy discover Tompkins?
Fred. It’s as bad as the treadmill—they all live in lodgings and just under the tiles, these beastly Tompkinses!
Sel. How many of the infernal family have you found already?
Fred. Thirty-seven!
Sel. Did you question them?
Fred. Minutely! Three of them acknowledged to having had a fight last night.
Sel. Ah!
Fred. One with a sweep, one with a dog, and one with his wife!
Sel. There are two hundred and fifty-two left to cross-examine. I have heard more about him since you left—he’s a poet! Author of the Frost-bitten Nose, or something that sends a shiver down your back and makes your spine jingle like a Christy minstrel’s bones!
Fred (aside). If he thinks I’m going for ever on this Tompkins’s hunting, he’s much mistaken! I shall go straight to my Lottie and stop there! (Crosses to R.) That’s what I shall do!
Sel. That’s right! Once more into the breach, dear boy! If you are tired take a cab—I’ll go halves in it with you! (Exit Fred, C.) What devotion! Can I refuse to let this man marry my daughter? No!
Dibbs (entering, L. U. E.). Mr. Bellamy not here, sir?
Sel. Just gone out! What do you want?
Dibbs. It’s another messenger with another letter “from the same lady as before” he said! (Selwyn seizes and tears it open nervously aside.) Now, I’ll just go and tell Captain Katskill the governor’s alone. Missus told me to watch for an opportunity.
(Exit Dibbs, L. U. E.
Sel. She says she knows I must be ill or I would come to her—she will be here in an hour! Horror upon horror’s head! No address again! Oh, why won’t women complete their letters? (Re-enter Dibbs, L. U. E.) Dibbs, where’s the messenger?
Dibbs. Gone, sir!
Sel. Perhaps I could catch him—I’ll do a bit of sprinting! (Rushes off, C.)
Dibbs. Hi! sir, I never told you which way he went! (Rushes after him, C.)
Enter Blithers, L. U. E., with hat as before.
Blith. Thank you! Thank you, my good girl, don’t trouble, I know the way! Sir, I—nobody here! Well, I must wait. (Puts hat down on chair in front of secretaire and seats himself on sofa.) This time I will not leave without my own hat. I can’t attend at Dr. Swishby’s in this! The boys would pelt me! I have already missed two private lessons and my wife has been blowing me up as high as a kite. (Puts hat on chair L. of table R.)
Enter Captain Katskill, L. U. E.
Capt. K. (he speaks with slight Irish accent). There he is! Now for it! Charge!
Blith. (seeing Captain Katskill). Hullo! an arrival!
Capt. K. Sir, I salute you!
Blith. (most politely). Sir, I do ditto! (They bow.)
Capt. K. A quare collection of fatures to have on one face. What of that? It’s the daughter I want, not the father.
Blith. (aside). This must be Mr. Selwyn’s son, I presume!
Capt. K. Excuse me want of boldness——
Blith. Not at all! Fine day?
Capt. K. Sor, it is within your power to make it the finest day of all me life!
Blith. Eh? (Aside.) An excitable young man! (Aloud.) How’s your father?
Capt. K. When we last heard from Ballybog—that was two weeks ago——
Blith. Two weeks!
Capt. K. You know he was over there, did you not?
Blith. I cannot say I did! (Aside.) It isn’t Selwyn’s son at all! (Aloud.) Might I inquire your name, sir?
Capt. K. Didn’t ye know it? Captain Katskill, of the 55th—the fighting 55th!
Blith. (as if he recognized him). Oh! indeed, I am delighted to hear it! (Aside.) Who is he?
Capt. K. You can, of course, guess the object of my visit?
Blith. Well, yes—and on the other hand no! (Aside.) He evidently knows me. (Aloud.) Of course, I should be in a better position to answer if——
Capt. K. Sir, excuse egotism, but in such a position as mine it is necessary to talk of one’s self! I am an only son.
Blith. Fortunate privilege!
Capt. K. My father was a soldier like myself and an honorable man——
Blith. I do not doubt it!
Capt. K. My grandfather was in the army, too, and known in the Peninsula as “Devil-may-care Katskill.”
Blith. I congratulate you on your connections! (Aside.) What does he want to be so communicative for?
Capt. K. Your next question naturally is, “What is your fortune? What are your prospects?”
Blith. Sir! I would not take so great a liberty!
Capt. K. From an uncle on my mother’s side I shall come into five hundred a year.
Blith. Not to be sneezed at, certainly!
Capt. K. At present I have only my pay, and about two hundred a year from my father; but the Kilkenny Katskills were never rich, and always better hands at drawing a sword than a cheque. Is this an answer to your inquiries?
Blith. (bowing). Sir, you are very polite! (Aside.) It seems the thing in society to make known your exact financial position! I will return the compliment. (Aloud.) Sir, I am the fifteenth child of a score of pledges Heaven sent to bless my parents’ declining years—my early days were passed——
Capt. K. (attempting to stop him). Oh! Don’t mention it!
Blith. (insisting). Passed at the village of Slopton-on-the-Slushy.
Capt. K. Do not give me a description of your past life! (With passion.) I love your charming child!
Blith. (astounded). What!
Capt. K. To obtain her hand is my ardent aspiration!
Blith. (aside). What a match for my girl. (Aloud.) Pray sit down, sir. (Noticing that Captain Katskill is about to sit down on chair by secretary where hat is placed.) But not on my hat!
Capt. K. A thousand pardons! (Politely handing it to Blithers, he reads name inside.) “Selwyn,” his card is at the bottom.
Blith. May I ask how you came to know I was here?
Capt. K. It was your excellent wife who sent me to you.
Blith. You have seen her? She knows about your pretensions?
Capt. K. She honors me by her preference—as does your jewel of a daughter.
Blith. It’s as good as settled then?
Capt. K. I now only await your consent. (Rising.)
Blith. You have it, my boy! Bless you! (With emotion.)
Capt. K. Oh! How can I testify my gratitude?
Blith. By being good to the girl—for I love her as if she were my own.
Capt. K. As if she were—Is she not your own?
Blith. I am her step father only!
Capt. K. But she bears your name?
Blith. (explaining on fingers). Yes, I married my cousin’s widow, so our names are the same. When do you propose to be married? (Putting back chair.)
Capt. K. (ardently). As soon as possible!—Sooner if not before!
Blith. You are a Hibernian, and therefore impetuous.
Capt. K. Yet I was afraid to meet you! For I thought you favored a certain Mr. Bellamy.
Blith. No! Although I have heard he has been making up to my girl—and has bought a good many pairs of new gloves! Ha! Ha!
Capt. K. Ha Ha! (Aside.) I don’t know what he’s laughing at—but I suppose it’s all right. (Aloud.) Allow me to take my leave. (Bowing.)
Blith. Don’t mention it! (Both bowing. Exit Captain Katskill, L. U. E.)
Blith. We shall be a polite family when we get this young man amongst us! Now about this hat—I seem to be forgotten altogether. Hullo!
Enter Fred, C., much agitated and still with Directory and hat.
Fred. At last I have caught you!
Blith. (aside). This is the young man commissioned to restore my beaver.
Fred. You know all!
Blith. (puzzled). That’s rather a lot to know—but still——
Fred. Hush! For two hours I have been following in your footsteps—(Restraining Blithers, who wishes to speak.) She tells me she has written twice—but what has become of her letters? When I arrived at the little shop I learnt all! They told me you were here, and so I rushed back to catch you!
Blith. To catch me? What for?
Fred. Oh! sir, I am young—she is young—you were young—once!
Blith. Yes, but——
Fred. Sir, she is lovely—I am considered fairly good-looking—you may have been good-looking yourself!
Blith. No! I——
Fred. Yes—I insist on giving you the benefit of the doubt! Sir, we loved! That is our excuse!
Blith. You loved? Who loved?
Fred. I am of good family—my grandfather——
Blith. Was “Devil-may-care-Kilkenny!”—No! (Aside.) That was the other fellow’s grandfather!
Fred. No! He was a druggist—and my father——
Blith. Stop! I have had enough pedigree for one day.
Fred. You have a right to be wrathful! I know I should have told you all this before—but, sir, you are not inhuman, and remember I loved her so!
Blith. (aside). He must be mad like the servant! Perhaps this is an asylum! (Aloud, uneasily.) Come! Come! My good young man! Be calm! Are you often like this?
Fred. Always! And always shall be until you forgive me! Oh! sir, we will take a pretty country cottage, and you shall live with us—we will watch over your declining years! And our babes unborn will circle round your bedside—and close your venerable eyelids when you leave us!
Blith. (irritated). No, thank you! You will please request your babes to let my eyelids alone!
Fred. It can’t be! Say—Oh! say you forgive me and open your withered arms to embrace the most repentant of sons-in-law.
Blith. Sons-in-law!
Fred. Don’t be angry with poor little Lottie!
Blith. Angry with my daughter? What for?
Fred. Why—for what she’s done! Don’t you know all about it?
Blith. No!
Fred. They told me you did!
Blith. Look here, young man—to prevent more mixing we had better begin at the beginning—I am Bosco Blithers—Who the deuce are you?
Fred. Whom should I be but Frederick Bellamy?
Blith. (aside). Lottie’s best glove customer. (Aloud.) Well, what do you want?
Fred. Your consent, it is too late to ask—but your forgiveness you cannot refuse——
Blith. I can—and I do! Lottie is engaged to Captain Cornelius Katskill.
Fred. Engaged! She can’t be!
Blith. I tell you she is! For she loves him to distraction! He confessed it!
Fred (in passion). If he said that he is a——
Blith. (stopping him). Hush!
Fred. So he is, if he dared say that! He shall withdraw his words or I will kill him. (Crossing, L.)
Blith. Kill my future son-in-law! I forbid you!
Fred. What! Do you defend him?
Enter Selwyn, R. 2 E.
Sel. What’s this? Fred confabulating with the duellist!
Fred (to Blithers). It’s no use! I will fight! Return to your Irishman, and tell him so! (Business. Blithers endeavoring to pacify Fred.)
Sel. What’s all this about?
Blith. (who has given up restraining Fred, in despair. Fred down L., in chair). About? About as near to raving madness as ever was seen! Go and buy a straight-jacket, sir, he’s a lunatic. While you are at the straight waistcoat shop you may as well purchase half a dozen, for he’s not the only madman on the premises.
(Exit Blithers, L. U. E.
Sel. I see it all! He would save my life a second time, by challenging this deliberate desperado!
Enter Mrs. Selwyn, L. U. E.
Mrs. S. What is the matter, Sam?
Sel. I don’t know—I’ll ask Fred! Fred! my dear boy, what is the matter? (Fred has sunk down with his face in his hands, L.) On what are you meditating, Fred?
Fred. I am meditating why I did not let you stop at the bottom of the lake. I mean to leave this wretched London, where all is perfidy and deceit!
Enter Grace, L. U. E.
Fred (going up to Grace). Good-bye, Miss Selwyn, and good-bye, Mrs. Selwyn, good-bye, Sam. If I met the wretch who has supplanted me in her affections I should slay him. Tell her that I return to my native village to avoid having to kill her Cornelius.
| Mrs. S. Grace. | (horror stricken). Kill Cornelius! (Going R.) |
Fred. Yes! I will spare the man she loves—but we must not meet, or I will not be answerable for my acts.
Sel. Oh! bosh! What are you talking about? Who is this Cornelius? Cheer up, Fred, and she shall marry you—and not him!
| Mrs. S. Grace. | Never! |
Fred. Too late! I know she prefers my rival! It’s all settled.
Sel. Settled! It’s not settled! It can’t be settled without my consent!
Mrs. S. (crosses to C.). Consent! You know you have given that! He said he’d seen you just now and you had blessed him!
Sel. Seen me!
Grace. Yes. Now don’t change your mind again, pa!
Sel. I shall lose my temper presently. (To Fred.) I say you shall have her!
Grace (throwing herself into her mother’s arms). Oh, ma, it’s broken off again!
Fred. Thanks for your good intentions. But how can you interfere? You are not her father.
(Exit Fred, L. 2 E. quickly.
Sel. Not her father! What? Here I say! (He rushes after Fred, who slams his door.)
Enter Dibbs, hurriedly, C.
Dibbs. Sir, sir! (Mr. Selwyn sits, L.)
Sel. What is it now?
Dibbs (aside, taking him down, R.). A lady downstairs—says she must see Mr. Fred Bellamy—her name’s Lottie—and she says she’s been deceived——
Sel. Great Goodness! ’Tis she! (Aside to Dibbs.) Hush, not a word! I’ll be there in an instant.
(Exit Dibbs, C.
Capt. K. (entering, L. U. E.). Me darling!
Sel. (stopping). Who’s this familiar fellow?
Grace. Oh! Corney! Papa’s changed his mind again, and withdrawn his consent!
Capt. K. Would he give you to this Bellamy? (Grace nods, “Yes.”)
Sel. Is that Captain Katskill?
Capt. K. Never while I am alive.
Sel. Excuse me, sir——(advancing).
Capt. K. (only half turning to him). Sir, I did not address meself to you! (Continuing conversation to ladies.) I do not yet despair me darling!
Sel. Darling! How dare you call my——
Capt. K. (sharply). Sir, I am not talking to you!
Sel. (piqued at his abruptness). You are a vagabond!
Capt. K. Sir, for the third and last time I say I am not speaking to you. (Continuing.) After all Mr. Selwyn is not really the father of my Gracie.
Sel. Now he’s at it!
Capt. K. She’s the child of his cousin’s widow—he told me so himself.
Mrs. S. (aside). What does he mean?
Sel. (furious). My cousin’s—what?
Enter Fred, with his luggage in hand, L. 2 E.
Sel. Look here, Captain Killarney——
Capt. K. Katskill of Kilkenny, sir!
Fred (dropping his luggage with a bang). Katskill!
Sel. You want to marry my daughter, and yet you dare to insult me!
Fred. He wants to marry Grace! Just now he wanted to marry Lottie!
All. Lottie!
Fred. Yes! Lottie Blithers! Dare you deny it, you Hibernia Don Juan! Her own father told me all about it.
Mrs. S. Can this be true?
Sel. He wants two wives! (Music till end of act.)
Enter Dibbs suddenly, C.
Dibbs. No, three!
All. Wha-a-t?
Dibbs. A Mormonite!
Capt. K. (threatening Dibbs). Ah! Ye young divil!
Dibbs (dodging behind bureau). Who’s afraid? You know you’re after Miss Tompkins! I listened at the keyhole and heard you ask the old man!
| Grace. Fred. | Miss Tompkins? |
Sel. Any more? (Vehemently.)
Mrs. S. (to Captain Katskill indignantly). Leave this house, sir!
Capt. K. Ladies! I swear—Grace——
Grace (very angry). Don’t Grace me, sir! Adieu for ever!
Capt. K. Oh! (To Fred.) It is you, sir, I have to thank for this!
Fred (defiantly). Well?
Capt. K. I shall call you out!
Sel. Hullo! Baulked in his bigamy, he thirsts for blood!
Capt. K. Name your weapons!
Fred. What you like.
Capt. K. Place?
Fred. Where you like.
Capt. K. Time?
Fred. When you like!
Capt. K. You shall never marry her! I am one of the fighting Katskills of Kilkenny; we never leave off while there’s a bit of us left!
Sel. (rushing to Fred). Kill my preserver? (Business of restraining Captain Katskill and Fred, who are held back on L. and R. by the others throwing themselves between them.)
Act Drop Quick.
ACT III.
Same Scene:—Dibbs discovered by secretaire, large sword in hand, and polishing it with emery cloth, L.
Dibbs. “If I fall,” says Mr. Bellamy to me—“If I fall, Dibbs, tell everybody I know that my last thought was of them—whoever they may be—those I don’t know tell them that my last thought would have been of them had I lived to have the opportunity of an introduction!” Poor young man! I shall miss him, for he often gave me tips. (Wipes eyes with emery cloth.)
Enter Fred, L. U. E.
Fred. Why do you weep, my boy?
Dibbs. I was a thinking, sir, that this very sword I now hold in my hand might be run through your internals before I had time—Oh! It would break my heart! (Weeping again.)
Fred (much affected). Be brave, my lad, be brave!
Dibbs (boo-hoo-ing very loudly). Before I had time to get a good polish on it!
Fred. Those ancient implements won’t do. I shall have to borrow better ones somewhere. Leave off polishing them.
Enter Selwyn disguised in blue spectacles, slouch hat, etc. R. 2 E.
Dibbs. Oh! the governor’s got on gig-lamps!
Sel. (hastily removing spectacles). Yes! My eyes are weak. (Aside.) Disguise is necessary—or one of the vampires might have recognized me.
Fred. Selwyn, when I’m challenged by this Irish tiger where shall I find seconds?
Sel. I don’t mind being one.
Fred. Two will be wanted.
Dibbs. Well, sir, if there’s any difficulty at the last minute, and sooner than spoil the sport, you can count on me as No. 2.
Fred. You! You impertinent imp. Get out! Now, to borrow these swords—where’s my hat? I shall only be gone about ten minutes—I’ll take Selwyn’s. (Exit Fred, L. U. E., with Selwyn’s hat, unseen by him.)
Sel. I have been thinking how strange it was that both Fred and the Irish captain declared I wasn’t Grace’s father! I had indulged myself in that belief for many years at any rate! Can there be anything in it?
Enter Blithers, C.
Blith. Where is he?
Sel. Tompkins, the duellist!
Blith. Excuse my third visit, but I beg to remind you that I have not got it yet.
Sel. The hat? I forgot all about it, in my many troubles! (Aloud.) Sir, permit me to apologize; it is my fault alone! (To Dibbs.) Where’s his hat?
Dibbs. I’ll go and look for it, sir. The old cough-drop don’t mean to go without his kady! (Exit Dibbs to Fred’s room, L. 2 E.)
Blith. (aside). Poor young man, I treated him too harshly! But it was all a misunderstanding! (To Selwyn.) You quite comprehend, don’t you? The gentleman said he was already engaged to my girl; that’s why I consented. You are sure you understand?
Sel. (aside). I can’t say I do—but that’s a detail.
Blith. So I have come back to see him—besides, I want my hat.
Sel. (aside). He seems very fond of his old headgear.
Dibbs (entering). Not there, sir!
Blith. Dear! Dear! How unfortunate! My girl made me promise not to come back this time until I could bring her some good news.
Sel. (to Dibbs). Look in the other rooms.
Dibbs. Yes, sir.
(Exit Dibbs, R.
Sel. Do you set much value on your loss?
Blith. My daughter’s happiness is at stake!
Sel. (aside). His daughter’s happiness concerned in the recovery of his old hat! (Aloud.) Ah! Been in the family a long time? I suppose a kind of heirloom?
Blith. I never knew a man termed an heirloom before!
Sel. I am speaking of your hat.
Blith. Oh! I was referring to Fred.
Sel. Fred!
Blith. The poor child has opened her heart to me—and says she has written to him, asking him to seek me out, but he seems to deny all knowledge of the letters.
Sel. The letters? (A suspicion crossing his mind.)
Blith. The messenger says he gave them to a servant here. (Goes, L.)
Enter Dibbs.
Sel. (aside). Messenger! Letters! It is getting worse and worse! This Tompkins must be the father of the girl Lottie who wrote to me!
Dibbs (re-entering, C.). No signs, sir!
Blith. (to Dibbs). Oh! Do you know anything, young man, of any letters left here to-day? (Dibbs looks across at Selwyn, who is making signs to him.)
Blith. Why don’t you listen?
Dibbs. The master was making signs——
Sel. (angrily). Making signs! I? (Makes more signs.) Bosh!
Blith. The letters were addressed to Mr. Frederick Bellamy and came from a young lady——
Sel. (aside). More proof! This must be my incognita’s parent!
Dibbs. Oh! Yes! I took them in right enough! (To Selwyn, who continues to gesticulate.) What’s the matter, sir? Is it fits coming on?
Sel. (aside). I should like to strangle him!
Blith. (to Dibbs). What did you do with them?
Dibbs (pointing to Selwyn). I gave them to the governor!
Sel. To me!! (Aside.) Get out, or I will discharge you!
Dibbs (aside). More of it! This is a good-tempered family! (Exit, L. U. E.)
Blith. (to Selwyn). Then you must have opened them?
Sel. Not exactly—but of course——(embarrassed.)
Blith. Not that it will matter now the wedding is so soon to come off!
Sel. (aside). He thinks I can marry his daughter!
Blith. I shall be glad to see her settled!
Sel. (aside). He will see me settled soon! (Aloud.) Would you mind stepping into the library?—we can continue our explanation there. (Aside.) Anything to prevent his meeting my wife!
Blith. Certainly! (Exeunt Selwyn and Blithers, R. 2 E.)
Enter Fred, with pistol case; he puts hat on table, L.
Fred. I couldn’t get any good swords, but my friend Dawkins has lent me a couple of capital pistols. As I was the challenged party I have the choice of weapons. By Jove! I will do a little practicing before the glass to see if my hand’s steady.
(Exit Fred into his room, L. 2 E.
Enter Mrs. Selwyn, L. U. E.
Mrs. S. From an upper window I just observed Sam cross the road and come sneaking into his own house with blue spectacles on! Why? There’s a mystery in the air that I mean to fathom—for the wife who would allow her husband to have a secret all to himself does not deserve to have a mother to instruct her in the wicked ways of the male sex in general, and married men in particular! (Sits, R.)
Enter Grace, L. U. E.
Grace. Oh! mamma, something dreadful is going to happen through that awful quarrel! Dibbs is polishing up two swords and whistling the “Dead March in Saul” in a way that makes my blood run cold! (Sits on sofa.)
Mrs. S. He’s in it, too! Only let a man make up his mind to deceive his wife—and everything masculine from a boy in buttons to a Judge on the bench will lend him a hand! They are all in the swim, and they know it! My child, it would be far better for you to give up this idea of wedded bliss!
Grace. I know, mamma, everybody knows—marriage is a lottery.
Mrs. S. For the men—yes! but for the women—no! You can’t call a thing a lottery when there are no prizes at all; it then becomes a mere swindle!
Grace. Oh, mamma! You always go on like this when papa grumbles at your bonnet bill.
Enter Dibbs quickly, with card, L. U. E.
Dibbs. Oh, sir, here’s the young lady!—(putting card behind him and giving little whistle.) Whew!—the missus!
Mrs. S. What? (To Grace.) Go to your room, Grace; I want to talk to Dibbs.
(Exit Grace, R. 2 E.
Mrs. S. Now, Dibbs, what is that in your hand?
Dibbs. Nothing, mum. (Producing hand from behind back, empty.)
Mrs. S. The other one?
Dibbs (passing card from hand to hand behind him). Same, mum!
Mrs. S. Both together! (Business, etc.) Ah! I thought so! (Taking card from him.) You may go—stop—(reading card.) Show the lady up, and not a word of warning to her that she will meet me instead of your master. If you breathe a syllable to her you shall be discharged. Keep whistling all the while go that I may know you are not telling her. (Dibbs whistles Dead March and goes off slowly; he is heard in the distance as if he went downstairs. The sound becomes louder as he returns with lady.)
Enter Dibbs, followed by Miss Lottie Blithers; she is a showily-dressed young lady of prepossessing appearance.
Mrs. S. (to Dibbs, who continues to whistle). That will do!
(Exit Dibbs.
Miss B. Pardon my intrusion, madam, but I have called respecting a gentleman residing here.
Mrs. S. Indeed!
Miss B. I have written to him more than once, but received no answer.
Mrs. S. Recently?
Miss B. To-day.
Mrs. S. (recollecting the letter of Act I.). Written here—was your letter signed “Lottie”?
Miss B. Yes. It’s my name. I have placed myself in a false position, and I want my husband at once to release me from it.
Mrs. S. Have you brought him with you?
Miss B. No—I am here to find him!
Mrs. S. To find him! (Aside.) That letter was not for Fred, but for Sam, after all. (Aloud.) When did you last see him?
Miss B. Last night.
Mrs. S. (aside). So he took advantage of my short absence! (Aloud.) Madam, I am loath to hurt your feelings, but I fear that you have been imposed upon by a married man!
Miss B. Married! Oh! I see now why he pretended our union must be kept secret from the world! I am a wretched woman! (Sobbing, sits L.)
Mrs. S. I, too, have been blinded, but we will unmask the traitor between us. Step in here!
Miss B. Oh! I could tear his eyes out!
Mrs. S. That I could never allow you to do. I want to do it myself!
(Exit Miss Blithers into room, L.
Mrs. S. (locking door). Now to confront the double-dyed deceiver! He shall not know I have learnt all his perfidies! I know I have him firmly on the hook—and I will play with him in order to watch his struggles! He comes, the wretch!
Enter Selwyn, R. 2 E., looking very anxious; seeing his wife he assumes a sickly sort of smile.
Sel. So glad you are here, dearest!
Mrs. S. (confronting him, severely). You told me Lottie’s letter was not for you.
Sel. Lot—Lottie! (Nervously).
Mrs. S. I speak plainly, do I not? Lottie—you know Lottie?
Sel. Yes! I know—or I did know—a lot of Lotties—but all at a respectful distance—and a very long while ago.
Mrs. S. I refer to last night only!
Sel. (aside). Done for! She’s found me out! (Aloud.) Last night? Let me see—where was I last night?
Mrs. S. No doubt where you have often been before.
Sel. (aside). She means the “Geranium.” Yes, my dear, I have been there before—but alone! always alone!
Mrs. S. Samuel! Elaborate lies are useless—She’s here now! Yes, she came for you and saw me!
Sel. (feebly). Appearances may be against me, but——
Mrs. S. No excuses! If you don’t make a full confession of everything you did last night, never hope to be forgiven. I have only to open that door, and she will give me a full account herself, but I prefer to hear it from your guilty lips! Go on!
Sel. (with an effort). Well, Bella! Last night, feeling lonely, I wandered down Knightsbridge way, and dropped in on Dobbinson—and that’s all! (Pulling up suddenly.)
Mrs. S. That’s not all! Shall I open the door?
Sel. (anxiously). No! no! Well, after dinner, feeling unwell, the salmon had disagreed with me, I think—I started to walk home—and—and—that’s all!
Mrs. S. (sternly). Go on, sir!
Sel. (piteously). I was near the Marble Arch when I heard footsteps behind me—female footsteps—I turned and beheld a lady—so—I—I—hastily fled—and that’s all!
Mrs. S. Sir! It is not all!
Sel. Isn’t it? If you know so much about it, why ask me?
Mrs. S. I mean to make you feel ashamed of yourself! Go on!
Sel. She asked me the way to Ludgate Hill—and that is all!
Mrs. S. (sternly). Go on!
Sel. Nearly all! I directed her—and I won’t deny (for I scorn evasion!) that I even accompanied her as far as Piccadilly! And there I left her, and if that isn’t all may I be——
Mrs. S. You will be—no doubt! I have heard enough of your miserable confession. (Giving key.) Now open the door, and let the creature go about her business! You will never be left alone again! Never so long as I live! (Going, R.)
Sel. (taking key, crossing L., and with great hesitation opening door). This is torture! Step this way, please Miss!
Fred appears at open door, L.
Sel. Fred!
Mrs. S. Fred! Oh! I have locked the hussy in with him! Where is the young woman?
Fred. Oh! She’s all right! Had a cry at first, but I soon consoled her! Don’t look astonished—it’s all correct—we have been alone together before!
Mrs. S. (to Selwyn). You hear! A nice character you have picked up!
Enter Blithers, C., still with hat.
Mrs. S. Mr. Tompkins!—I cannot stay here to be degraded in the presence of a poet! (Exit Mrs. Selwyn, R. 2 E.)
Blith. (to Fred). Welcome, son-in-law! Welcome! Come to my arms!
Fred. Oh! Father-in-law!
Sel. (aside). They have made it up!
Blith. My girl has confessed that she loves you—and you alone—she never cared for that Captain Katskill.
Fred. I knew she didn’t!
Sel. (aside). Oh! So Fred knew Lottie all this while!
Blith. When will you be married?
Fred. Oh, we’ve arranged all that!
Sel. Fred’s going to marry her!—oh!
Blith. We had better make haste back to her—for she was rather impatient.
Fred. No occasion—she’s here!
Sel. (aside). He saved my life!—In common justice I ought to tell him. (Taking him aside.) Pause before you link yourself with this man’s daughter. She is the girl I had supper with last night.
Fred (leaping upon Selwyn and pinning him on chair). Calumniator!
Blith. Hullo! This is a sudden out-break!
Sel. (half choked). Let—go—my—throat!
Fred. Confess you have slandered her!
Blith. Slandered whom? (Dodging round them.)
Sel. Yes! Yes! Anything you like! (Fred releases Selwyn, who then produces letters.) But look at those proofs.
Fred. Lottie’s letters (kisses them) to me.
Sel. To you? Who is Lottie, then?
Blith. My daughter! Of course!
Sel. Your daughter? Then who the devil is in that room? (Going to door meets Lottie Blithers.) This is not the young woman I met—this is not my Lottie! (Lottie crosses to Fred.)
Fred. No! She’s mine. It’s all serene, don’t worry yourself! (Putting arm round her waist.)
Sel. But I do worry myself—and it is not all serene—for I have just confessed to my wife!
Fred. Well?
Sel. Well! And I shouldn’t have done so if I hadn’t thought the real girl I met was in that room—I have given myself away, that’s what I have done!
Enter Dibbs—to Fred.
Dibbs. Please, sir, here’s Captain Katskill called for you!
Fred. I had forgotten my duel!
Blith. You in a duel!
Sel. Oh! It can be arranged now! (Blithers crosses to C.)
Dibbs. Come in, Captain Catstail!
Enter Captain Katskill.
Capt. K. Oh! I thought you were alone! (Going towards Blithers.) Mr. Selwyn, allow me to explain.
Sel. Selwyn! No, you mean Tompkins.
Fred. Tompkins? No—you mean Blithers!
Capt. K. (to Blithers). Are you not Mr. Selwyn?
Blith. Certainly not!
Sel. How many more times? I am Mr. Selwyn. (Turning to Blithers.) Are you not Tompkins?
Blith. No!
Capt. K. By the piper who refused to play before Moses, I see it all!
Sel. And I see nothing but a fearful fog? (Taking hat which Fred has placed upon table, L.) Since you turn out not to be Tompkins!
Dibbs. Oh! So the old cuckoo ain’t Tompkins at all!
Sel. (hat in hand). Isn’t this yours? (Crosses to Blithers.)
Blith. Emphatically—No!
Sel. Then it wasn’t you I—(making gesture of fighting) last night?
Blith. No!
Sel. (threateningly). Then what the devil do you mean by allowing me to apologize.
Blith. How could I help it?
Sel. You have got my hat, though!
Blith. I’ve been here with it three or four times. I’m glad to get rid of it! (Selwyn snatches it, and goes up leaving other hat in his hand.)
Capt. K. (to Blithers). Sir, I made a formal request of you, this morning.
Blith. Stop! That’s my hat! (Taking hat quickly from Capt. Katskill’s hand.)
Capt. K. Your’s? Then it was you who gave me the “oner?”
Blith. Not that I am aware of, my good young man!
Sel. (aside). Last night seems to have been very pugilistic.
Capt. K. I was standing outside my club, after giving a farewell supper to some bachelor friends, when my hat was rudely knocked off!
Blith. Not by me, sir, I assure you.
Dibbs (aside). The mixture as before! They want me to help ’em again! (Taking hat that Selwyn gave to Blithers.) This is your hat, I think, Captain?
Capt. K. Yes, how did you get it, you spalpeen?
Dibbs. Well, sir, to tell the truth it wasn’t this gent (pointing to Blithers) who boxed you, but this one! (Pointing to Selwyn.)
Sel. (aside). Oh! That damned boy will be the death of me!
Dibbs (aside to Selwyn). All right, sir. The milingtary gent’s in love with Miss Grace, so you are safe!
Sel. Is he? Then my life may be spared!
Capt. K. (threateningly). So, sir, it was you!
Sel. Yes! But we will not resume our fistic encounter—remember, I am your future father-in-law! (Aside.) He may as well have Grace now that’s Fred’s got another flame!
Capt. K. The Katskills of Kilkenny never bear malice!—Your hand!
Sel. Don’t mention it! (They go up, C.)
Dibbs (down, L.). I knew I could get things straight!
Enter Mrs. Selwyn and Grace.
Mrs. S. Painful as it is to go into these family matters before you, Mr. Tompkins. (Addressing Blithers.)
Blith. I beg your pardon—Blithers!
Sel. (coming down C. to Mrs. Selwyn). Yes, dear—Blithers—you are mixing things up!
Mrs. S. Well, Blithers, if you wish—my husband’s conduct last night with this Miss—I do not know her name——
Fred. (Bringing Lottie forward). Mrs. Bellamy!
Mrs. S. (astonished). Mrs. Bellamy!
Sel. (to Mrs. Selwyn). I told you, dear, you were mixing things up!
Mrs. S. (to Selwyn). But, Samuel, you confessed to me you met this lady——
Sel. I never saw her in all my life!
Fred. Certainly not last night, for I was with her the whole evening!
Blith. I can testify to the truth of that!
Mrs. S. Are you conspiring to deceive me?
Sel. No, my dear. The fact is, I may have appeared to have been rather in a hobble, but it was all assumed—all put on, my dear. Every bit of it, and if you don’t understand it, I do, and so don’t make yourself ridiculous before visitors—but give your consent to the Captain having our little Gracie!
Grace. Oh! dear papa!
Capt. K. (to Grace). Me jewel!
Mrs. S. I certainly don’t understand it, but I suppose it’s all right?
Sel. Perfectly, my dear! It was that stupid Dibbs who was at the bottom of it all to begin with.
Dibbs (indignantly). Me! (Down, L.)
Sel. (winks). Yes! I thought at first of discharging him, but I have decided to give him another chance, and a rise in his wages. (Bringing Blithers and Captain Katskill down C., and aside to Blithers.) How did you become possessed of my head-gear?
Blith. Well, as you took mine from Mr. Dobbinson’s hat-stand what was I to do?
Sel. (to Captain Katskill). How did the name of Tompkins get into your chimney-pot, Captain?
Capt. K. It’s my hatter’s name—not mine!
Sel. (to Mrs. Selwyn). There, my dear, now I hope that you are satisfied?
Mrs. S. Partly! But there still seem one or two things not quite clear. How was it that you said——
Sel. (appealing to all). Now she’s mixing it again! You explain, my friends! (Group C., all speak at once to Mrs. Selwyn.)
| Fred. Lottie. Capt. K. | I fell in love with Lottie—— We were married on the sly, so—— Explain, is it? Listen a while, Madam—— |
Mrs. S. Stop! I understand!
Sel. Bella understands, (coming C.) so that’s all right. (Aside.) It’s more than I do. (Aloud.) The question is (to audience) do you understand? Of course you do, you understand everything, especially that all we have done to-night has been to amuse without offending, in the hope of being rewarded with the generous coinage of your approval paid (indicating applause) by note of hand.
Curtain.