DIRECTIONS.
This book is not designed specially for any one class of people. It is for all. It is a universal repository of thought. Some of my best thoughts are contained in this book. Whenever I would think a thought that I thought had better remain unthought, I would omit it from this book. For that reason the book is not so large as I had intended. When a man coldly and dispassionately goes at it to eradicate from his work all that may not come up to his standard of merit, he can make a large volume shrink till it is no thicker than the bank book of an outspoken clergyman.
This is the fourth book that I have published in response to the clamorous appeals of the public. Whenever the public got to clamoring too loudly for a new book from me and it got so noisy that I could not ignore it any more, I would issue another volume. The first was a red book, succeeded by a dark blue volume, after which I published a green book, all of which were kindly received by the American people, and, under the present yielding system of international copyright, greedily snapped up by some of the tottering dynasties.
But I had long hoped to publish a larger, better and, if possible, a redder book than the first; one that would contain my better thoughts, thoughts that I had thought when I was feeling well; thoughts that I had emitted while my thinker was rearing up on its hind feet, if I may be allowed that term; thoughts that sprang forth with a wild whoop and demanded recognition.
This book is the result of that hope and that wish. It is my greatest and best book. It is the one that will live for weeks after other books have passed away. Even to those who cannot read, it will come like a benison when there is no benison in the house. To the ignorant, the pictures will be pleasing. The wise will revel in its wisdom, and the housekeeper will find that with it she may easily emphasize a statement or kill a cockroach.
The range of subjects treated in this book is wonderful, even to me. It is a library of universal knowledge, and the facts contained in it are different from any other facts now in use. I have carefully guarded, all the way through, against using hackneyed and moth-eaten facts. As a result, I am able to come before the people with a set of new and attractive statements, so fresh and so crisp that an unkind word would wither them in a moment.
I believe there is nothing more to add, except that I most heartily endorse the book. It has been carefully read over by the proof-reader and myself, so we do not ask the public to do anything that we were not willing to do ourselves.
I cannot be responsible for the board of orphans whose parents read this book and leave their children in destitute circumstances.
Bill Nye
CONTENTS
[ Recollections of Noah Webster. ]
[ Second Letter to the President. ]
[ Life Insurance as a Health Restorer. ]
[ More Paternal Correspondence. ]
[ A Father's Advice to His Son. ]
[ Insomnia in Domestic Animals. ]
[ An Operatic Entertainment. ]
[ Accepting the Laramie Postoffice. ]
[ A Journalistic Tenderfoot. ]
[ My Experience as an Agriculturist. ]
[ Stirring Incidents at a Fire. ]
[ Concerning Book Publishing. ]
[ Woman's Wonderful Influence. ]
[ Every Man His Own Paper-Hanger. ]
[ Rev. Mr. Hallelujah's Hoss. ]
[ Boston Common and Environs. ]
[ Extracts from a Queen's Diary. ]
[ Answers to Correspondents. ]
[ Great Sacrifice of Bric-a-brac. ]
[ Polygamy as a Religious Duty. ]
[ A Bright Future for Pugilism. ]
[ Street Cars and Curiosities. ]
ALPHABETIZED CONTENTS
About Geology
About Portraits
[ A Bright Future for Pugilism ]
A Bright Future for Pugilism
Absent Minded
A Calm
[ Accepting the Laramie Postoffice ]
Accepting the Laramie Postoffice
A Circular
A Collection of Keys
A Convention
A Father's Advice to his Son
A Father's Letter
A Goat in a Frame
A Great Spiritualist
A Great Upheaval
A Journalistic Tenderfoot
A Letter of Regrets
All About Menials
All About Oratory
Along Lake Superior
A Lumber Camp
A Mountain Snowstorm
Anatomy
Anecdotes of Justice
Anecdotes of the Stage
A New Autograph Album
A New Play
An Operatic Entertainment
Answering an Invitation
Answers to Correspondents
A Peaceable Man
A Picturesque Picnic
A Powerful Speech
Archimedes
A Resign
Arnold Winkelreid
Asking for a Pass
A Spencerian Ass
Astronomy
A Thrilling Experience
A Wallula Night
B. Franklin, Deceased
Biography of Spartacus
[ Boston Common and Environs ]
Boston Common and Environs
Broncho Sam
Bunker Hill
Care of House Plants
Catching a Buffalo
Causes for Thanksgiving
Chinese Justice
Christopher Columbus
Come Back
[ Concerning Book Publishing ]
Concerning Book Publishing
Concerning Coroners
Crowns and Crowned Heads
Daniel Webster
Dessicated Mule
Dogs and Dog Days
Doosedly Dilatory
“Done It A-Purpose”
Down East Rum
Dr. Dizart's Dog
Drunk in a Plug Hat
Early Day Justice
Eccentricity in Lunch
Etiquette at Hotels
[ Every Man His Own Paper-Hanger ]
Every Man His Own Paper-Hanger
[ Extracts from a Queen's Diary ]
Extracts from a Queen's Diary
Farming in Maine
Favored a Higher Fine
Fifteen Years Apart
Flying Machines
General Sheridan's Horse
George the Third
Great Sacrifice of Bric-a-Brac
Habits of a Literary Man
“Heap Brain”
History of Babylon
Hours With Great Men
How Evolution Evolves
In Acknowledgment
[ Insomnia in Domestic Animals ]
Insomnia in Domestic Animals
In Washington
“I Spy”
I Tried Milling
John Adams
John Adams' Diary
John Adams' Diary, (No. 2.)
John Adams' Diary, (No. 3.)
Knights of the Pen
Letter from New York
Letter to a Communist
[ Life Insurance as a Health Restorer ]
Life Insurance as a Health Restorer
Literary Freaks
Lost Money
Lovely Horrors
Man Overbored
Mark Antony
Milling in Pompeii
Modern Architecture
[ More Paternal Correspondence ]
More Paternal Correspondence
Mr. Sweeney's Cat
Murray and the Mormons
Mush and Melody
My Dog
[ My Experience as an Agriculturist ]
My Experience as an Agriculturist
My Lecture Abroad
My Mine
My Physician
My School Days
Nero
No More Frontier
On Cyclones
One Kind of Fool
Our Forefathers
Parental Advice
Petticoats at the Polls
Picnic Incidents
Plato
[ Polygamy as a Religious Duty ]
Polygamy as a Religious Duty
Preventing a Scandal
Railway Etiquette
[ Recollections of Noah Webster ]
Recollections of Noah Webster
[ Rev. Mr. Hallelujah's Hoss ]
Rev. Mr. Hallelujah's Hoss
Roller Skating
Rosalinde
[ Second Letter to the President ]
Second Letter to the President
She Kind of Coaxed Him
Shorts
Sixty Minutes in America
Skimming the Milky Way
Somnambulism and Crime
Spinal Meningitis
Spring
Squaw Jim
Squaw Jim's Religion
[ Stirring Incidents at a Fire ]
Stirring Incidents at a Fire
Strabismus and Justice
[ Street Cars and Curiosities ]
Street Cars and Curiosities
Taxidermy
The Amateur Carpenter
The Approaching Humorist
The Arabian Language
The Average Hen
The Bite of a Mad Dog
The Blase Young Man
The Board of Trade
The Cell Nest
The Chinese God
The Church Debt
The Cow Boy
The Crops
The Duke of Rawhide
The Expensive Word
The Heyday of Life
The Holy Terror
The Indian Orator
The Little Barefoot Boy
The Miner at Home
The Newspaper
The Old South
The Old Subscriber
The Opium Habit
The Photograph Habit
The Poor Blind Pig
The Sedentary Hen
The Silver Dollar
The Snake Indian
The Story of a Struggler
The Wail of a Wife
The Warrior's Oration
The Ways of Doctors
The Weeping Woman
The Wild Cow
They Fell
Time's Changes
To a Married Man
To an Embryo Poet
To Her Majesty
To The President-Elect
Twombley's Tale
Two Ways of Telling It
Venice
Verona
“We”
What We Eat
[ Woman's Wonderful Influence ]
Woman's Wonderful Influence
Woodtick William's Story
Words About Washington
Wrestling With the Mazy
“You Heah Me, Sah!”
{Illustration: WE WERE NOT ON TERMS OF INTIMACY.}