Metaphysics.

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First. Pray tell me something about Metaphysics, for I cannot for my life make anything out of it.

Second. Metaphysics is the science of abstractions.

F. I am no wiser for that definition.

S. Well, take for example this earth. Now the earth may exist.

F. Who ever doubted that?

S. A great many men, and some very learned ones; although Bishop Berkeley has proved beyond all possible gainsaying or denial that it does not exist.

F. That is a point of considerable consequence to settle.

S. Now the earth may exist, and—

F. But how is all this to be found out?

S. By digging down to first principles.

F. Ay, there is nothing equal to the spade and pickaxe; ’tis by digging that we can find out whether the world exists or not.

S. That is true, because if we dig to the bottom of the earth and find no foundation, then it is clear that the world stands upon nothing; or, in other words, that it does not stand at all, therefore it stands to reason—

F. But if one can’t believe his own eyes, what signifies talking about it?

S. Our eyes are nothing but the inlets of sensation; we are sure of nothing that we see with our eyes.

F. Well, what does a man begin to build upon in the metaphysical way?

S. Why, he begins by taking something for granted.

F. But is that a sure way of going to work?

S. Why it’s—the—only thing he—can—do. Metaphysics is the consideration of immateriality, or the mere spirit and essence of things. When we speak of essence of things, we mean the essence of locality, the essence of duration—

F. And the essence of peppermint?

S. The essence I mean is quite a different affair. It is a thing that has no matter. It has no substance nor solidity, large nor small, hot nor cold, long nor short.

F. Then what is the long and short of it?

S. Abstraction.

F. What do you say to a pitchfork as an abstraction?

S. A pitchfork would mean none in particular, but one in general, and would be a thing in abstraction.

F. It would be a thing in the haymow. What do you think of a red cow for an example?

S. A red cow, considered as an abstraction, would be an animal possessing neither hides nor horns, bones nor flesh; it would have no color at all, for its redness would be the mere counterfeit or imagination of such. It would neither go to pasture, chew cud, give milk, nor do anything of a like nature.

F. Nonsense! All the metaphysics under the sun wouldn’t make a pound of butter!