A CLERGYMAN’S JOKE.
A gentleman who was travelling in the West a few years ago relates this amusing incident:
I was spending the night in a hotel in Freeport, Illinois. After breakfast I came into the sitting-room, where I met a pleasant, chatty, good-humored traveller, who, like myself, was waiting for the morning train from Galena. We conversed freely and pleasantly on several topics, until, seeing two young ladies meet and kiss each other in the street, the conversation turned on kissing, just about the time the train was approaching.
“Come,” said he, taking up his carpet-bag, “since we are on so sweet a subject, let us have a practical application. I’ll make a proposition to you. I’ll agree to kiss the most beautiful lady in the cars from Galena, you being the judge, if you will kiss the next prettiest, I being the judge.”
The proposition staggered me a little, and I could hardly tell whether he was in earnest or in fun; but, as he would be as deep in it as I could possibly be, I agreed, provided he would do the first kissing, though my heart failed somewhat as I saw his black eye fairly sparkle with daring.
“Yes,” said he, “I’ll try it first. You take the back car, and go in from the front end, where you can see the faces of the ladies, and you stand by the one you think the handsomest, and I’ll come in from behind and kiss her.”
I had hardly stepped inside the car when I saw at the first glance one of the loveliest-looking women my eye ever fell upon,—a beautiful blonde, with auburn hair, and a bright, sunny face, full of love and sweetness, and as radiant and glowing as the morning. Any further search was totally unnecessary. I immediately took my stand in the aisle of the car by her side. She was looking out of the window earnestly, as if expecting some one. The back door of the car opened, and in stepped my hotel friend. I pointed my finger slyly to her, never dreaming that he would dare to carry out his pledge; and you may imagine my horror and amazement when he stepped up quickly behind her, and, stooping over, kissed her with a relish that made my mouth water from end to end.
I expected of course a shriek of terror, and then a row generally, and a knock-down; but astonishment succeeded astonishment when I saw her return the kisses with compound interest.
Quick as a flash he turned to me, and said, “Now, sir, it is your turn;” pointing to a hideously ugly, wrinkled old woman who sat in the seat behind.
“Oh, you must excuse me! you must excuse me!” I exclaimed. “I’m sold this time. I give up. Do tell me whom you have been kissing.”
“Well,” said he, “since you are a man of so much taste and such quick perception, I’ll let you off.” And we all burst into a general peal of laughter, as he said, “This is my wife! I have been waiting here for her. I knew that was a safe proposition.” He told the story to his wife, who looked tenfold sweeter as she heard it.
Before we reached Chicago, we exchanged cards, and I discovered that my genial companion was a popular Episcopalian preacher whose name I had frequently heard.
“LET ME KISS HIM FOR HIS MOTHER.”[28]
Among the funny incidents that took place during the late sectional conflict between the States is one that is thus recorded:
A young lady of the gushing sort, while passing through one of the military hospitals, overheard the remark that a young lieutenant had died that morning.
“Oh, where is he? Let me see him! Let me kiss him for his mother!” exclaimed the maiden.
The attendant led her into an adjoining ward, when, discovering Lieutenant H., of the Fifth Kansas, lying fast asleep on his hospital couch, and thinking to have a little fun, he pointed him out to the girl. She sprang forward, and, bending over him, said:
“Oh, you dear lieutenant, let me kiss you for your mother!”
What was her surprise when the awakened “corpse” ardently clasped her in his arms, returned the salute with interest, and exclaimed:
“Never mind the old lady, miss; go it on your own account. I haven’t the slightest objection.”
From the lyrics perpetrated by the “satirical wags” during the popularity of the above well-known phrase, we cite the following:
Let me kiss her for her mother—
The bewitching Polly Ann—
Let me kiss her for her mother,
Or any other man.
Let me kiss her for some body,
Any body in the world;
With her hair so sweetly auburn,
And so gloriously curled.
Let me kiss her for her “feller,”
And I do not care a red
If he taps me on the smeller
With a “billy made of lead.”
Let me kiss her for her daddy,—
The pretty, pouting elf,—
Or, if that don’t suit the family,
Let me kiss her for myself.