A KISS IN THE DARK.
In Buckstone’s very amusing farce, “A Kiss in the Dark,” the jealous Pettibone tries a foolish stratagem in order to confirm his unjust suspicions of Mrs. P.’s constancy:
Frank (reading note). “Continue your attentions.” Certainly, as you request it. (Draws close to her; Pettibone again darts in; they retreat as before.)
Pettibone. Shan’t go out at all—I tell you I shan’t go out at all—to-morrow will do. (Sits in centre.) You’ve done as I bid you, I see—eh?—ah, ah, ah! (Aside.) I think the last time I left the room he kissed her! I could almost swear I heard the squeak of a little kiss. Oh, if I could be convinced! I’ll conceal my feelings till I’m quite satisfied—quite sure; and then——Betsey, dear, if that note you were writing just now is for any one in the city, I’ll leave it for you.
Mrs. P. No, no, thank you, it is not worth the trouble, and you wouldn’t be so mean as to defraud the revenue of a penny.
Pet. How they look at each other! I’ve a great mind to jump up and tell ’em both how they’ve deceived me. No, I won’t. I’ll set a trap for them—show ’em what they are: ah! a good thought—I have it.
Mrs. P. Selim, what’s the matter with you, this evening?
Pet. Nothing; I’ve been vexed,—city business. I think, as I have a moment to spare, I’ll drop a note to the wine merchant about the empty bottles (takes inkstand to a table): he ought to fetch ’em away, or I shall be charged for ’em. What horrid candles! (Snuffs one out.) Why did I go to the expense of a handsome lamp, when you will burn candles? (In trying to light it he purposely extinguishes the other; stage dark.)
Mrs. P. P., dear, how clumsy you are!
Pet. Sit still—I’ll get a light; Mary’s cooking—I’ll get a light. (He pours some ink on his pocket-handkerchief, and in passing Mrs. P., contrives to leave a large patch on her nose.)
Mrs. P. P., what are you doing?
Pet. Nothing, dear, nothing; sit still. I’ll fetch a light.
[Exit.
Frank. Is it really your wish that I should continue my attentions? (Getting close to her.) Gad, she’s a fine woman, and I never in my life could be in the dark with one, without giving her a kiss; and, encouraged as I am, who could resist?
[Attempts to kiss her.
Mrs. P. Don’t, don’t; I won’t allow it; how can you be so foolish? (Kisses her, and blacks his nose.) Go away: here’s P. (Lights up; Frank returns to his chair as P. enters, stands between them moonstruck at seeing Frank’s face; he trembles, places one candle on the table, and seizes Mrs. P.’s arm.)
Pet. Woman, look at that man—look at his nose. Now go to your room—to the glass, and look at your own! come, madam, come.
[He drags her off.
Frank. Very strange conduct; however, my poor friend is severely punished for the pains he has taken to test his wife’s constancy....
In the dénouement the position of Mrs. P. and Frank is explained:
Pet. Not Betsey!—the lady I’ve pulled about so—not Betsey! Who are you, madam? Explain, before I faint away—who are you?
Frank. That lady, sir, is my wife. (Frank and Lady embrace.)
Pet. Your wife! and really you are not going to elope?—you are still your own Pettibone’s?—but that kiss in the dark, madam! what can remove that stain?
Mrs. P. My candid confession——
Pet. Of what?
Mrs. P. That I overheard the test by which I was to be tried, and, knowing in my heart that I did not deserve such a trial, I was resolved, as you had thought proper to suspect me without a cause, for once to give you a reason for your jealousy.
Pet. (on his knees.) Oh, Betsey, forgive me....
The city of Nashville boasts of a smiling-contest, as an adjunct to a Presbyterian church fair. There were three competitors, young men, and a judge to decide which of them smiled most sweetly. Three trials were had, the contestants standing on a platform in full view of the assembly, with a strong light thrown on their faces. Louis Tillichet was declared the winner of the prize, which was the privilege of kissing any one of the girls attending the candy-counter, where the prettiest daughters of the church were engaged.
A lady asked her little boy, “Have you called your grandma to tea?” “Yes. When I went to call her she was asleep, and I didn’t wish to halloo at grandma, nor shake her; so I kissed her cheek, and that woke her very softly. Then I ran into the hall, and said, pretty loud, ‘Grandma, tea is ready.’ And she never knew what woke her up.”