The Breitmann Ballads

by Charles Godfrey Leland

II.

4.-HOW BREITMANN AND SMITH WERE REPORTED TO BE LOG-ROLLING

ID hoppinet in de yar of crace, vhen all dese dings pegan,
Dat Mishder Schmit, de shap who rooned acainsd der Breitmann,
Vas a man who look like Mishder Twine so moosh dat beoples say
Dey pliefe dey moost ge-brudert pe - Gott weiss in vot a vay!

Und id vas also moosh be-marked - vhitch look shoost like a bruder-
Dat vhen Twine vas vork on any side der Schmit vas on der oder
A fery gommon dodge ish mit de arisdocracie;
So dat votefer cardt doorns op, id's game for de familie!

Nun, goot! Howefer dis might pe, 'tvas cerdain on dis hit
Der Twine vas do his tyfelest to euchre Mishder Schmit;
Und Schmit, I criefe to say, exglaimed: "Gaul darn me for a fool,
But I'll smash old Dutch to cholera fits and rake the
eternal pool!"

So dey cot some liddle ledders, ash brifate ash could pe,
Vhitch Breitmann writed long agone to friendts in Germany;
Und dey brinted dem in efery vay to make de beoples laugh,
Und comment on dem in de shtyle dat "sports" call "slasher-gaff."

Dere-to - as vash known py shoodshment und glearly ascertained,
Dat Breitmann hafe lossed money py a valse und schwindlin' friendt-
So dey roon it droo de newsbapers, und shbeech to make pegan,
Dat Breitmann shtole de gelt himself und rop de oder man.[33]

Boot de ding dat jam de hardest on de men dat bull de vires,
Und showed that Copitain Breitmann shtood pedween dwo heafy vires,
Vas, pecause he vas a soldier - von could see id at a clanse-
Dey had pud him in a tisdrigt vhere he hadn't half a shanse.

For ash de pold solidaten ish more prafe ash oder mans,
Dey moost lead de hope verloren und pattle in de vans;
Und ash defeat ish honoraple to men in honor shtrict,
Dey honor dem py puttin' em vhere dey're cerdain to be licked.

Boot dis dimes it shlopped over. 'Tvas de dird or secondt heat,
Dat a soldier in dis tisdrigt had been poot oop und beat;
So de Plue Goats dink it over und go quietly to vork:
De bow vhen too moosh aufgespannt vlies packward mit a yerk.

Now Mishder Twine deglaret dat de ding seemed doubtenful,
Boot mitout delay he dook de horns so poldly py de bull,
Und shpread de shdory eferyvhere, dill folk to pliefe pecan,
Dat Mishder Schmit had sold de vight unto der Breitemann!

He fix de liddle tedails - how moosh der Schmit hafe got
For sellin' out his barty to let Breitmann haul de pot;
Und he showed a brifate letter from Breitemann to Schmit,
Vhere he bromise him for Congress if he shoost let oop a bit.

Der Twine vas writet dis ledder; for der Copitain Breitemann
Vould nefer hafe shtood soosh hoompoogks since virst
his life pegan:
He hat tone some rough dings in de war, in de
ploonder-und-morder line,
Boot vas hoockleperry-persimmoned mit dese boledics of Twine.

Howefer, dis ledder vorket foorst-rate - mit de
Mericans pest of all,
For dey mostly dinked it de naturalest ding as efer couldt pefall;
For to sheat von's own gonstituents ish de pest mofe in de came,
Und dey nefer sooposed a Dootchman hafe de sense to do de same.

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5.-HOW THEY HELD THE MASS MEETING.

Dere's nodings in dis vorldt so pad, ash all oov us may learn,
Boot may shange from dark to lighthood, if loock
should dake a doorn;
So it hoppinet mit Breitmann, who in spite of sin and Schmit,
Gontrifed ad shoost dis yooncture do make a glucky hit.

Dey hat sendet out some plackarts to de Deutsche burgers all
(N.B. - Dish ish not mean blackguards, boot de pills
dey shtick on de vall),
To say dat a Massenversammlung - or a meeding of all dem asses-
Vouldt be held in de Arbeiter-Halle, to consisd of de
Sharman classes.

Now dey gife de brinting of de pills to a new gekommene man,
Who dinked dat Demokratisch vas de same ash Repooblican:
Got im Himmel weiss vhere he'd hid himself on dis
free Coloompian shore
Dat he scaped de naturalizationisds, und hand't found out pefore.

Boot to dis Deutsche brinter, de only tifference he
Petween Repooplicanish and Demokratisch tid see,
Vas dat von vash dwo ledders longer; so he dook
shoost vot seem pat
To make de poster handsome - likewise a liddle fat.

How ofden in dis buzzlin' life shmall grubs grows oop to vings!
How often shoost from moostard seet a virst-glass
pusiness shprings!
Van't klein komt men tot't groote, ash de Hollanders hafe said:
Mit dese dwo ledders Breitmann caved in der Schmitsy's head.

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6.-BREITMANN'S GREAT SPEECH.

Dis tale dat Schmit hafe sell de vight cot so mooch put apout,
Dat many of his beoples vere in fery tupious toubt;
'Pove all, dose who were on de make, and easy change deir lodge,
Und, pein awfool smart demselfs, pelieve in efery dodge.

Vhen de meeding vas gesempled, und dey found no Schmit vas dere,
Dey looket at von anoder mit a ganz erstaunished air;
But dey saw it glear as taylighd, und around a vink dere ran,
Vhen pefore dem rose de shiant form of Copitain Breitemann!

Denn Breitemann vent los at dem: "He could nichts vell exbress
De rapdure dat besqueezed his hearts - de wonnevol hoppiness-
To meed in friendtlich council and glasp de hand of dose,
Who had peen mit most oonreason and unkindly galled his foes.

"Berhaps o'er all dis shmilin' eart' - he vould say it
dere un denn-
Soosh shpecdagles couldt nod pe seen of soosh imbardial men,
So tefoid of base sospicion, so apofe all betty dricks,
Ash to gome und lisden vairly to a voe in poledicks;

"Dat ish to say, a so-galled voe - for he feeled id in his soul
Dat de brinciples vitch mofed dem vere de same oopon de whole;
But he lack a vord to exbress dem in manners opportunes"-
Here a veller in de gallery gry oud, oonkindly, "Shpoons!"

Und dere der Breitmann goppled him: "If shpoons our modifes pe.
Dere's nod a man pefore oos who lossed a shpoon by me:
Far rader had I gife you all a shpoons to eaten mit,
Und I hope to ged a ladle for mein friendt, der Mishder Schmit."

Dis fetch das Haus like doonder - it raise der tyfel's dust,
Und for sefen-lefen minudes dey ooplouded on a bust;
Und de chaps dat dinked of hedgin' saw a ring as round as O;
So dey boked each oder in de rips und said, "I dold you so!"

For dis d'lusion to de ladle vas as glear ash city milk,
Und drawd it on de beoples so vine ash flossen silk,
Dat Hans und Schmit vere rollin' locks, und de locks
vere ready cut;
Only Breitmann hafe de liddle end, und Schmitsy dake de butt!

Denn Breitmann he crack onward: "If any 'lightened man
Vill seeken in his Bibel, he'll find dat a publican
Is a barty ash sells lager; und de ding is fery blain,
Dat a re-publican ish von who sells id 'gain und 'gain.

"Now since dat I sells lager, I gant agreen mit
De demprance brinciples I hear dishtriputet to Schmit;
Boot dis I dells you vairly, und no one to teseife-
If I were Schmit, I'd pliefen shoost vot der Schmit peliefe.

"And to mine Sharman liperal friendts I might mention in dis shpot,
Dat I hear an oonfoundet rumor dat der Schmit peliefe in Gott;
Und also dat he coes to shoorsh - mit a brayer-book -
for salfadion:
I vould not for die welt say dings to hoort his repudation.

"Und noding is more likely dat it all a shlander pe,
So also de rumor dat vhen young he shtoody divinidy:
I myself, ash a publican, moost pe a sinner py fate,
Und in dis sense I denounce mineself ash Republican-didate!

"Ash Deutschers say - und Yankees doo - vhen der
wein ish in der man,
So ish oopon de oder part, de wise-hood in de can,
Vhitch brofes dat wein und wise-hood ish all de same, py shinks!
Und de only real can-didate ish der veller ash coes for trinks:

"Und dat ve may meed in gommon, I deglare here in dis hall-
Und I shvears mineself to holt to it, votefer may pefall-
Dat any man who gifes me his fote - votefer his boledics pe-
Shall alfays pe regartet ash bolidigal friendt py me."

(Dis voonderfol Condescension pring down drementous applause,
Und dose who catch de nodion gife most derriple hooraws:
Eshbecially some Amerigans ash vas shtandin' near de door,
Und who in all deir leben long nefer heard so moosh sense pefore.)

"Dese ish de brinciples I holts, and dose in vitch I run:
Dey ish fixed firm und immutaple ash de course of de 'ternal sun:
Boot if you ton't approve of dem - blease nodice vot I say-
I shall only pe too happy to alder dem right afay.

"Und undo my Demogratic friendts I vould fery glearly shtate-
Since dis useless mit oop-gecleared minds to hold a long depate-
Dat dere's no man in de cidy who sells besser liquor ash I,
Und I shtand de treadts free-gradis vhenefer mine friendts ish try.

"Ad finem - in de ende - I moost mendion do you all, Dat a dootzen parrels of lager bier ish a-gomin' to dis hall: Dere ish none of mine own barty here, bot we'll do mitout deir helfs; Und I kess, on de whole, 'twill pe shoost so goot if ve trink it all ourselfs."

Soosh drementous up-loudation pefore vas nefer seen, Ash dey svored dat der Copitain Breitmann vas a brickpat, und no sardine;[34] Und dey trinked demselfs besoffen, sayin', "Hobe you wird sookceed!"- De nexter theil will pe de ent of dis historisch lied.

III.

PARDT DE VIRST.

THE AUTHOR ASSERTS THE VAST INTELLECTUAL SUPERIORITY OF GERMANS TO AMERICANS.

DERE'S a liddle fact in hishdory vitch few hafe oondershtand,
Deutschers are, de jure, de owners of dis land,
Und I brides mineslf oonshpeak-barly dat I foorst make be-known,
De primordial cause dat Columbus vas derivet from Cologne.

For ash his name vas Colon, it fisiply does shine,
Dat his Eldern are geboren been in Cologne on der Rhein,
Und Colonia peing a colony, it sehr bemerkbar ist,
Dat Columbus in America was der firster colonist.

Und ash Columbus ish a tove, id ish wort' de drople to mark,
Dat an bidgeon foorst tiscofer land a-vlyin' from de ark;
Und shtill wider - in de peginnin', mitout de leastest toubt,
A tofe vas vly ofer de wassers und pring de vorldt herout.

Ash mein goot oldt teacher der Kreutzer to me tid ofden shbeak,
De mythus of name rebeats itself - vhitch see in his "Symbolik,"
So also de name America, if we a liddle look,
Vas coom from der oldt king Emerich in de Deutsche Heldenbuch.

Und id vas from dat fery Heldenbuch - how voonderful it ron,
Dat I shdole de Song of Hildebrand, or der Vater und der Sohn,
Und dishtripude it to Breitemann for a reason vhitch now ish plain,
Dat dis Sagen Cyclus full-endet, pring me round to der Hans again.

Dese laws of un-endly un-windoong ish so teep and broad and tall,
Dat nopody boot a Deutscher hafe a het to versteh dem at all,
Und should I write mine dinks all out, I tont peliefe inteed,
Dat I mineslf vould versteh de half of dis here Breitmann's Lied.

Ash der Hegel say of his system - dat only von mans knew, Vot der tyfel id meant - und he couldn't tell - und der Jean Paul Richter, too, Who saidt: "Gott knows I meant somedings vhen foorst dis buch I writ, Boot Gott only wise vot das buch means now - for I hafe fergotten it!"

Und all of dis be-wises so blain ash de face on your nose,
Dat der Deutscher hafe efen more intellects dan he himself soopose,
Und his tifference mit de over-again vorldt, as I really
do soospect,
Ish dat oder volk hafe more soopose - und lesser intellect.

Yet oop-righty I confess it - mitout ashkin' vhy or vhence,
Dere ish also dimes vhen Amerigans hafe shown sharp-pointet sense,
Und a fery outsigned exemple of genius in dis line,
Vas dishblayed in dis elegdion py Mishder Hiram Twine.

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PARDT DE SECONDT.

SHOWING HOW MR. HIRAM TWINE "PLAYED OFF" ON SMITH.[35]

Vide licet. Dere vas a fillage whose vote alone vouldt pe Apout enof to elegdt a man und give a mayority, So de von who couldt "scoop" dis seddlement vouldt make a lucky hit, But dough dey vere Deutschers, von und all, dey all go von on Schmit.

Now id hoppinet to gome to bass, dat in dis little town,
De Deutsch vas all exshpegdin' dat Mishder Schmit coom down,
His brinciples to foresetzen und his idees to deach-
(Id est, fix oop de brifate pargains) - und telifer a
pooplic shbeech.

Now Twine vas a gyrotwistive cuss ash blainly ish peen shown,
Und vas always an out-findin' votefer might pe known,
Und mit some of his circumswindles he fix de matter so,
Dat he'd pe himself at dis meeding, und see how dings vas go.

Oh shdrangely in dis leben de dings kits vorked apout,
Oh voonderly Fortuna makes doorn us inside out.
Oh sinkular de loock-vheel rolls - dis liddle meeding dere,
Fixt Twine ad perpendiculum: - shoosh suit him to a hair.

Now it hopponet on dis efenin', de Deutschers von und all,
Vere erwaitin' mit oonpatience de onfang of de Ball,
Und de shates of nighdt vere fallin' und de shdars pegin to plink,
Und dey vish dat Schmit vouldt hoory, for 'twas dime
to dake a trink.

Dey hear some hoofs a dramplin' - und dey saw und
dinked dey know'd,
De bretty greature coomin' on his horse entlang de road,
Und ash he ride town invard de likeness vas so blain,
Dey donnered out "Hoora for Schmit!" enof to make it rain.

Der Twine vas shdart like plazes - boot oop shdardet too his vit,
Und he dinks, "Great turnips! - vhot if I couldt bass
for Colonel Schmit!
Gaul darn my heels I'll do it - and go the total swine,
Oh soap balls! - what a chance!" said dis dissembulatin' Twine.

Denn'twas "Willkomm! willkomm! Mishder Schmit!" rings aroom on efery site, Und "First-rate - how dy do, yourself?" der Hiram Twine replied, Dey ashk him "Coom und dake a trink" - boot dey find id mighdy gueer, Vhen Twine informed em none boot hogs vould trink dat shtinkin' bier.

Dat lager vas nodings boot boison, und as for Sharman wein,
He dinks it vas erfounden exbressly for Sharman schwein,
Dat he himself was a demperanceler, dat he gloria in de name,
Und adfised dem all for tecence's sake to go und do de same.

Dese bemarks, among de Deutschers, vere apout as vell receife,
Ash cats in a game of den-pins - ash you may of coorse peliefe,
De heats of de recebtion vent down a dootzen degrees,
Und in blace of hurraws was only heardt de roostlin' of de drees.

Und so in solemn stille dey scorched him to de hall,
Vhere he maket de crate oradion vhitch vas so moosh
to blease dem all,
Und dis vay he pegin it: "Pefore I furder go,
I vish dat my obinions, you puddin-het Dutch, shouldt know.

"Und eher I norate furder, I dink it only fair,
Ve shouldt oonderstand each oder, prezackly, chunk and square;
Dere are points on vitch ve tisagree, und I will plank de facts-
I tont go round slanganderin' my friendts pehind deir packs.

"So I beg you dake it easy, if on de raw I touch,
Vhen I say I can't apide de sound of your groonting
shishing Dootch,
Should I in de Legisladure as your slumgullion stand,
I'll have a bill forbidding Dutch, droo all dis 'versal land.

"Should a husband talk it to his frau, to deat' he should pe led,
If a mutter breat' it to her shild, I'd bunch her in de head;
Und I'm sure dat none vill atvocate id's use in pooplic schools,
Oonless dey're peastly, nashdy, prutal, saur-kraut eadin' fools."

Here Mishder Twine, to gadder breat', shoost make a liddle pause,
Und see sechs hundert gapin' eyes - sechs hundert shdaring' chaws!
Dey shtanden erstarrt like frozen - von faindly dried to hiss:-
Und von saidt: "Ish id shleeps I'm treamin' -
Gottstausend! - vhot ish dis?

Twine keptet von eye on de vindow, - boot boldly vent ahet,
"Of your oder shtinkin' hobits no vordt needt here pe set;
Shdop goozlin' bier - shdop shmokin' bipes - shdop rootin'
in de mire,
Und shoost un-Dutchify yourselfs! - dat's all dat I require."

Und denn dere coomed a shindy ash if de shky hat trop:
"Trow him mit ecks, py doonder! - go - shlog him on de kop!
Hei! shoot him mit a powie-knifes! - go for him, ganz and gar!
Shoost tar him mit some fedders! - led's fedder him mit tar!"

Sooch a teufel's row of furie vas nefer oopkicket pefore,-
Some roosh to on-climb de blatform, - some hoory
to festen de toor,-
Von veller vired his refolfer - boot de pullet missed her mark,
She coot de cort of de shandelier - it vell - und de hall vas tark!

Oh vell vas it for Hiram Twine dat nimply he couldt shoomp!
Und vell dat he light on a mist-hauf und nefer feel de boomp!
Und vell for him dat his coot cray horse shtood sottelet
shoost outside!
Und vell dat in an augenblick he vas off on a teufel's ride!

Bang! bang! de sharp pistolen shots vent pipin' py his ear, Boot he tortled oop de barrick road like any moundain deer, Dey trowed der Hiram Twine mit shteins - boot dey only could be-mark Von climpse of his vhite ober-coat - und a clotterin' droo de dark.

So dey gesempeled togeder, ein ander to sprechen mit,
Und allow dat soosh a Rede dey nefer exshpegt from Schmit!
Dat he vas a foorst-glass plackguard, und so pig a lump ash ran,
So - nemine contradicente - dey vented for Breitemann.

Und 'twas annerthalb yar dere after before de Schmit vas know,
Vhat maket dis rural fillage go pack oopon him so,
Und he schwored at de Dutch more schlimmer ash
Hiram Twine had done,-
Note bene: he tid it in earnest, while der Hiram's vas
pusiness-fun.

Boot vhen Breitmann heardt de shtory how de fillage hat been dricked, He schwore bei Leib und Leben, dat he'd rader hafe peen licked, Dan be helpet droo sooch slumgoozlin', - und 'twas petter to pe a schwein, Dan a schvindlin', honeyfooglin' shnake, like dat lyin' Yankee Twine.

Und pegot so heavy disgootet mit de boledics of dis land,
Dat his friendts could barely keep him from trowin' oop his hand,
Vhen he held shtraight-flush mit an ace in his poot-
vitch phrase ish all de same,
In de science of pokerology, ash if he got de game.

So Breitmann cot elegdet, py vollowin' de vay,
Ve manage our elegdions oonto dis fery day.
Dis shows de Deutch Dummehrlichkeit - also de Yankee "wit:"-
Das ist das abenteuer how Breitmann lick der Schmit.