MRS. JONES'S PIRATE.

  1. A sanguinary pirate sailed upon the Spanish main
  2. In a rakish-looking schooner which was called the "Mary Jane."
  3. She carried lots of howitzers and deadly rifled guns,
  4. With shot and shell and powder and percussion caps in tons.
  1. The pirate was a homely man, and short and grum and fat;
  2. He wore a wild and awful scowl beneath his slouching hat.
  3. Swords, pistols and stilettos were arranged around his thighs,
  4. And demoniacal glaring was quite common with his eyes.
  1. His heavy black moustaches curled away beneath his nose,
  2. And drooped in elegant festoons about his very toes.
  3. He hardly ever spoke at all; but when such was the case,
  4. His voice 'twas easy to perceive was quite a heavy bass.
  2. He was not a serious pirate; and despite his anxious cares,
  3. He rarely went to Sunday-school and seldom said his prayers.
  4. He worshiped lovely women, and his hope in life was this:
  5. To calm his wild, tumultuous soul with pure domestic bliss.
  1. When conversing with his shipmates, he very often swore
  2. That he longed to give up piracy and settle down on shore.
  3. He tired of blood and plunder; of the joys that they could bring;
  4. He sighed to win the love of some affectionate young thing.
  1. One morning as the "Mary Jane" went bounding o'er the sea
  2. The pirate saw a merchant bark far off upon his lee.
  3. He ordered a pursuit, and spread all sail that he could spare,
  4. And then went down, in hopeful mood, to shave and curl his hair.
  1. He blacked his boots and pared his nails and tied a fresh cravat;
  2. He cleansed his teeth, pulled down his cuffs and polished up his hat;
  3. He dimmed with flour the radiance of his fiery red nose,
  4. For, hanging with that vessel's wash, he saw some ladies' hose.
  1. Once more on deck, the stranger's hull he riddled with a ball,
  2. And yelled, "I say! what bark is that?" In answer to his call
  3. The skipper on the other boat replied in thunder tones:
  4. "This here's the bark Matilda, and her captain's name is Jones."
  1. The pirate told his bold corsairs to man the jolly-boats,
  2. To board the bark and seize the crew, and slit their tarry throats,
  3. And then to give his compliments to Captain Jones, and say
  4. He wished that he and Mrs. Jones would come and spend the day.
  1. They reached the bark, they killed the crew, they threw them in the sea,
  2. And then they sought the captain, who was mad as he could be,
  3. Because his wife—who saw the whole sad tragedy, it seems—
  4. Made all the ship vociferous with her outrageous screams.
  1. But when the pirate's message came, she dried her streaming tears,
  2. And said, although she'd like to come, she had unpleasant fears
  3. That, his social status being very evidently low,
  4. She might meet some common people whom she wouldn't care to know.

  1. Her husband's aged father, she admitted, dealt in bones,
  2. But the family descended from the famous Duke de Jones;
  3. And such blue-blooded people, that the rabble might be checked,
  4. Had to make their social circle excessively select.
  1. Before she visited his ship she wanted him to say
  2. If the Smythes had recognized him in a social, friendly way;
  3. Did the Jonsons ever ask him 'round to their ancestral halls?
  4. Was he noticed by the Thomsons? Was he asked to Simms's balls?
  1. The pirate wrote that Thomson was his best and oldest friend,
  2. That he often stopped at Jonson's when he had a week to spend;
  3. As for the Smythes, they worried him with their incessant calls;
  4. His very legs were weary with the dance at Simms's balls.
  1. (The scoundrel fibbed most shamelessly. In truth he only knew
  2. A lot of Smiths without a y—a most plebeian crew.
  3. His Johnsons used a vulgar h, his Thompsons spelled with p,
  4. His Simses had one m, and they were common as could be.)
  1. Then Mrs. Jones mussed up her hair and donned her best delaine,
  2. And went with Captain Jones aboard the schooner Mary Jane.
  3. The pirate won her heart at once by saying, with a smile,
  4. He never saw a woman dressed in such exquisite style.
  1. The pirate's claim to status she was very sure was just
  2. When she noticed how familiarly the Johnsons he discussed.
  3. Her aristocratic scruples then were quickly laid aside,
  4. And when the pirate sighed at her, reciproc'ly she sighed.
  1. No sooner was the newer love within her bosom born
  2. Than Jones was looked upon by her with hatred and with scorn.
  3. She said 'twas true his ancestor was famous Duke de Jones,
  4. But she shuddered to remember that his father dealt in bones.
  1. So then they got at Captain Jones and hacked him with a sword,
  2. And chopped him into little bits and tossed him overboard.
  3. The chaplain read the service, and the captain of the bark
  4. Before his widow's weeping eyes was gobbled by a shark.
  1. The chaplain turned the prayer-book o'er; the bride took off her glove;
  2. They swore to honor, to obey, to cherish and to love.
  3. And, freighted full of happiness, across the ocean's foam
  4. The schooner glided rapidly toward the pirate's home.
  1. And when of ecstasy and joy their hearts could hold no more,
  2. That pirate dropped his anchor down and rowed his love ashore.
  3. And as they sauntered up the street he gave his bride a poke,
  4. And said, "In them there mansions live the friends of whom I spoke."
  1. She glanced her eye along the plates of brass upon each door,
  2. And then her anger rose as it had never done before.
  3. She said, "That Johnson has an h! that Thompson has a p!
  4. The Smith that spells without a y is not the Smith for me!"

  1. And darkly scowled she then upon that rover of the wave;
  2. "False! False!" she shrieked, and spoke of him as "Monster, traitor, slave!"
  3. And then she wept and tore her hair, and filled the air with groans,
  4. And cursed with bitterness the day she let them chop up Jones.
  1. And when she'd spent on him at last the venom of her tongue,
  2. She seized her pongee parasol and stabbed him in the lung.
  3. A few more energetic jabs were at his heart required,
  4. And then this scand'lous buccaneer rolled over and expired.
  1. Still brandishing her parasol she sought the pirate boat;
  2. She loaded up a gun and jammed her head into its throat;
  3. And fixing fast the trigger, with string tied to her toe,
  4. She breathed "Mother!" through the touch-hole, and kicked and let her go.

  1. A snap, a fizz, a rumble; some stupendous roaring tones—
  2. And where upon earth's surface was the recent Mrs. Jones?
  3. Go ask the moaning winds, the sky, the mists, the murmuring sea;
  4. Go ask the fish, the coroner, the clams—but don't ask me.