Four
As if a troubled thought that had slowly worked its way through her second sleep, with the first light of dawn Mary sat bolt upright in the bed, and said aloud.
“He’s not my brother.”
The old woman, who had apparently not slept at all, turned to her from her place by the fire, now lowered to glowering coals for cooking. She thought to reply harshly, then checked herself. Like a skilled surgeon or a patient general (or a bitter woman gnawed by hate), she knew that the matter of her daughter’s lost love must be handled with extreme care.
“Not your brother. Your cousin.”
“Then---” The realization scalded her. “We could have married! There was no sin, no shame in what I felt for him.”
Again, though it ran counter to all her designs for the girl, the old woman knew this was not the time to speak against the hopeless romance that she still carried like a torch in the Night. And also (the darkness had not yet swallowed her completely), she felt that her daughter deserved this much.
“There was no sin. Naivety perhaps.”
With this her daughter broke into wretched tears, and it was some time before the woman could calm her enough to speak. She moved to sit beside her on the bed; and so helpless and forlorn did Mary then appear, that for a moment her mother forgot all else and slowly brought to her breast the face that had suckled there so long ago.
“What is it child?” she said gently, stroking the soft hair that had once been her own. “What is it hurting you so?”
“All this time..... I thought it was because..... After he was killed, I went to my confessor. I told him everything, and he said---”
There was no need for her to finish. Too well did the other understand the vindictive nature of men.
“He said that Michael was taken because you had committed incest: that it was God’s punishment for a grievous sin, and that it’s your fault he died.” The pitiful nod and freshened weeping told her she was right. “Nay, lass. It was not the hand of God that killed him, and many other good men besides. It is not the Creator who so brutalizes lives and emotions. It is men.”
And with this all her maternal softness faded, as her eyes stared hard and dry into some galling distance of thought and memory. Her arms fell away from her daughter’s shoulders, and she unconsciously ground her teeth.
Mary, who had seen none of this, raised her head and wiped the tears from her eyes, feeling something like a pang of conscience. “I’m sorry. . . Mother.” She could not help blushing at the word. “I’ve been selfish, thinking only of my own sorrow. Won’t you tell me something of yourself? It must have been hard for you, surely.”
The woman’s gaze returned.
“Ah, life is hard, girl. Someday I’ll speak of the roads that brought me here, but not now.” She rose as if to say no more, then turned to the girl, so young, with the only words of comfort she could find. But at that they were not gentle, were not the words of hope.
“You must learn from the trees, Mary. A lightning bolt, a cruel axe, cleaves a trunk nearly to the root, and the oak writhes in agony. But it does not die. It continues. And though the hard and knotted scars of healing are not pleasant to look upon, they are stronger, many times stronger, than the virgin wood. You must learn from the trees,” she repeated. “It is among their boughs and earthward tracings that the true gods are found.”
“You’re not a Christian, then?” This simple non-belief seemed to her incomprehensible.
“Nay, Mary, I’m not. The gentle Jesus may comfort the meek, but he is of little use when it comes to vengeance.” The woman stopped, knowing she had said more than she intended. But perhaps this much of the truth was for the best. She would have to know soon enough, anyway. “There are other powers, closer to hand, that give the strong a reason to go on living.”
The younger woman studied her in silence, and all the awe and fear of her that she had felt since childhood returned. She remembered the chant, the flaming branch. And now the callous determination..... Toward what end? She recalled the words that had seemed so innocent the day before:
Just open the door for me; I’ll walk through it. But what door was she to open? What vengeance?
But first there was one more question, which rose in sudden fullness before her.
“My God. Margaret. Who was my father?”
“The Lord Purceville, though it was not willingly I took him to my bed.”
There was no need to say more. Her mother went back to the hearth, and after a cheerless meal, told her to remain in bed until the fever broke. Then went out on some errand of her own.