IN LIGHTER VEIN.
The Funny Side of the Matrimonial Business.
There is necessarily the amusing side in all this miserable trading upon the affections of fools. Some of the letters sent in to the matrimonial agencies are little less than "screams."
Imagine, if you can, a big, husky farmer, a collarless, coatless son of the Utah deserts, gushing forth that he "could live and die on love." Think of a staid and sober trained nurse who has arrived at the ripe age of forty pouring into the ears of the matrimonial agent that she "wants a man who is a flower," and also saying confidingly that she believes that she requires a few more years in which to prepare for the "solemn step."
One who is 39 and dark, blushingly admits that she is a "young girl" of loving disposition, and, since love is the destiny of us all, prays for a husband of fifty or thereabouts.
One who describes herself as "lively and frolicsome" frankly admits that she is out for the money and can get along without the love end of it at all. It is needless to say that this letter comes from the Pennsylvania Dutch regions.
Here are a few of the gems:
Could Live and Die on Love.
Huntsville. Utah,
Dec. 27. 1902.
Mrs. Ellen Marion.
Grant Works, Ill.
My Dear Lady:
I wish to beg your pardon if I appear rude in trying to personally introduce myself, but allow me to assure you that I am sincere in my quest for a kind friend, and it is nothing but the purest and holiest motives of the human heart that prompts the intrusion.
I saw your advertisement in the Valley Farmer, and in it I seem to behold the image of an ideal lady, who is well worthy of the highest esteem and admiration from a true gentleman, and how happy and thankful should the man be who is so fortunate as to captivate the love and heart of so noble a prize. Among many others your advertisement to me seemed to be the most suitable and impressive. While it would not be within good taste to express a great love for you at present, yet I believe that I could come as near living and dying on love as the next one. My object in writing you is to find if there should be a chord within our natures that could be touched mutually to harmonize with the word love.
I have been married and know of the joy and happiness of a kind and loving companion. Two years ago death robbed me of my greatest prize in life. Since then I have been baching it. I am tired of roughing it alone, and if there were only some one to meet me with a kind smile of approval I could work much harder and be a better man for it, and I do most earnestly and sincerely solicit your correspondence with a view to closer ties should our natures prove congenial.
Should you feel inclined to favor me I would certainly feel highly flattered.
Not a Flirt.
Please do not rank me with the ordinary flirts and adventurers, for I assure you that I am honest in my intentions and would not mislead or advise anyone wrongfully. My age is thirty-seven, height five feet nine inches, weight 175 pounds, have a good moral character in every respect, honest and industrious, without any bad habits, total abstainer from liquor and tobacco, move in the best society, am of a quiet, kind and loving disposition. Home is the dearest place to me on earth and I know how to make it happy. I can appreciate and know the real value of a kind and loving wife, and the dear lady that becomes my wife will find in me a true and honest husband, a kind and loving companion, one whose greatest aim and object will be to make his home and loved ones happy.
To you the above may have a smattering of self-praise and flattery, but the facts are wholly true, which I hope in due time will be fully demonstrated. Should you wish to hear further from me I shall be quite pleased to furnish any information desired.
Anxiously awaiting your acquaintance, I am,
Yours sincerely,
Jens Winter.
With best wishes and compliments of the season.
AROUND THE CLOCK WITH A "HOME HUSBAND"
LOVELORN WAILS.
I want a man who is a flower, with love and affection oozing from all its petals. Maybe, however, I need a few more years' preparation for the most solemn of steps—matrimony. I admire a man of good physique, kind, gallant, conscientious, of good morals as can be expected nowadays, home-loving, and fond of children.—Application for a husband from Catherine M. Barnes, trained nurse, aged 40, Indianapolis.
Love is the destiny of us all. At times it seems it is going to side-track and pass us. Therefore, I ask you to help me to find a handsome man of 50 or over who has some money and can make more.
I am a young girl of loving disposition; do not powder, except on special occasions; can cook, and know how to dress on nothing or little. I want love and fidelity. Do not send me the name of any traveling men.
I am 39 and dark.—Miss Ella Miller, 837 Spring Garden street, Philadelphia.
Introduce me to a widow with money who wants a good entertainer and honest man. I have no funds, but don't tell her that. I play, sing and recite well.—Adam Werker, Glen Ellyn, Ill.
Her Ideal Husband.
"My ideal must be tall," suggests Miss Mary Hester, from Wayland, N. Y., "and a gentleman in every sense of the word. He must be of good standing socially and morally. He must be of temperate habits, kind, generous, affectionate, devoted—a man of ability, who would be a companion socially, intellectually and morally to a true, pure, devoted wife."
She says she would ask for no more.
"READ US 'BOUT WHUT DE FOLKS IN PITTSBURG AN' NEWPORT IS UP TO."
"I'D RUTHER BE MARRIED TO A WOMAN WHO WAS REFORMIN' THINGS OUTSIDE DE HOUSE DAN IN HIT."
This One Is Real Frank.
Here is another letter from Reading, Pa:
Dear Sir: I notice by Sunday's paper that you are looking for a wife. Now, strange to relate, I am looking for a husband. I don't know what your requirements are, but I do know mine, and the chief ones of them are money, a good home, less work and worry, and happiness. If love comes, too, I shall not object, although I have lived long enough to realize that there can be a sort of lukewarm happiness without love.
Be that as it may, I judge my capacity is sufficiently large to satisfy the sort of a man I judge you to be. Now, for the next item of importance—myself. I am tall and slender, five feet six inches high, and quite "figuresque," as one of my girl friends tells me. I am of the Irish-American type; hair medium in shade and profuse as to quantity; deep-set, very bright gray eyes; good carriage, on account of which strangers often consider me haughty—an entirely erroneous idea.
Am of a lively, frolicsome nature. I am full of fun, and no matter how black things are I always find something to laugh at. I am twenty-three years old, and decidedly domestic, that being, in fact, my only accomplishment. I am artistic only along some lines; have no musical talent and am not an artist, but I love both devotedly. Am very practical, in fact, and a good housekeeper. There is lots more I might tell you, but we will call this enough for the present. Should like to know something about you, and hope you will be as truthful and frank as I have been.
Sincerely yours,
Mary Anderson.