CONVERSATION.
The late Dr. George Ripley was wont to say that the secret of being agreeable in conversation was to be honorable to the ideas of others. He affirmed that some people only half listened to you, because they were considering, even while you spoke, with what fine words, what wealth of wit, they should reply, and they began to speak almost before your sentence had died upon your lips. These people, he said, might be brilliant, witty, dazzling, but never could they be agreeable. You do not love to talk to them. You feel that they are impatient for their turn to come, and that they have no hospitality towards your thoughts—none of that gentle friendliness which asks your idea and makes much of it. This want of hospitality to other people’s ideas often has its root in egotism, but it is equally apt to be the growth of a secret want of self-confidence, a fear that one will not be ready to take one’s own part well,—an uneasy self-consciousness which makes real sympathetic attention to the ideas of others impossible.
Agreeability, readiness in conversation, tact and graciousness of manner are great aids to popularity. To possess these qualities one must have marked consideration for others, and be ever ready to manifest it. One should also be ready to recall faces and names.
Though one has but few facts and ideas to draw upon, she may still, by making sufficient effort, become a fair conversationalist. If one despair in this direction, she may at least train herself to become an interesting listener, and she will be surprised to find how popular she will be; for three-quarters of the world like to talk, while to listen intelligently is a great talent. The good listener, by her evident interest in, and sympathetic attention to, the matter of conversation, brings out all that is best in the one with whom she talks. Diffident people forget their shyness in her presence, and leave her with the comfortable and novel conviction that they have, after all, acquitted themselves rather well.
No well-bred person would be guilty of the gross rudeness of picking up a book or magazine and “looking through” it while pretending to pay heed to the talk of a friend. The assurance, “I am only looking at the pictures of this magazine, not reading, and I hear every word you say,” is no palliation of the offence. The speaker would be justified in refusing to continue the conversation until the pictures had been properly studied. If a speech is worth hearing, it is worthy of respectful and earnest attention.
No one should ever monopolize the conversation, unless he wishes to win for himself the name of a bore.
A well-educated and finely cultured person proclaims himself by the simplicity and terseness of his language.
In conversation all provincialisms, affectations of foreign accents, mannerisms, exaggerations, and slang are detestable.
Flippancy is as much an evidence of ill-breeding as is the perpetual smile, the wandering eye, the vacant stare, or the half-open mouth of the man who is preparing to break in upon the conversation.
Interruption of the speech of others is a great sin against good breeding.
Anecdotes should be sparsely introduced into a conversation, lest they become stale. Repartee must be indulged in with moderation. Puns are considered vulgar by many.
In addressing persons with titles, one ought always to add the name; as, “What do you think, Doctor Graves?” not, “What do you think, Doctor?”
The great secret of talking well is to adapt one’s conversation skillfully to the hearers.
In a tête-à-tête conversation, it is extremely ill-bred to drop the voice to a whisper, or to converse on private matters.
One should never try to hide the lips in talking by putting up the hand or a fan.
One should avoid long conversations in society with members of his own family.
If an unfinished conversation is continued after the entrance of a visitor, its import should be explained to him.
Though bores find their account in speaking ill or well of themselves, it is the characteristic of a gentleman that he never speaks of himself at all. La Buryere says: “The great charm of conversation consists less in the display of one’s own wit and intelligence than in the power to draw forth the resources of others; he who leaves one after a long conversation, pleased with himself and the part he has taken in the discourse, will be the other’s warmest admirer.”
In society the absent-minded man is uncivil.
There are many persons who commence speaking before they know what they are going to say. The ill-natured world, which never misses an opportunity of being severe, declares them to be foolish and destitute of brains.
He who knows the world, will not be too bashful; he who knows himself, will not be imprudent.
There is no surer sign of vulgarity than the perpetual boasting of fine things at home.
One should be careful how freely he offers advice.
If one keeps silent sometimes upon subjects of which he is known to be a judge, his silence, when from ignorance, will not discover him.
One should not argue a point when it is possible to avoid it, but when he does argue, he should do so in a gentlemanly and dispassionate manner.
One should never notice any mistakes in the language of others.