"Swingin round the cirkle"

by David Ross Locke

SONNIT

Onto a Soldier, wich wuz wunst a Dimekrat, but is now a howlin Ablishnist, wich I saw a limpin about on one Leg, hevin left the other at Anteetam.

Bloo-koted monster! thou wentest forth

Armed with thy rifle and sharp-pinted bayonet,

Whose peeked eend with Southern blood is wet:

I hate thee, tool and minyun uv the North!

Thou wast a Dimekrat: them kote and pants,

The wavin flag, the gun with peeked eend,

Turned yoo into a Abolishn feend,

Who sucked the blood uv Dimekratic saints.

Monster unnachral! by niggerism hatched,

Thousands and more uv Dimokrats yoo’ve slain,

Who’ll never rally to the poles again

To vote, ez wunst they did, a tikkit all unskratched.

Avant! the work yoo did our party is undoin:

To us yoor kote uv bloo is jest bloo rooin!

XI.

The Situation.—The Attempt of the President to wheedle Democrats into Supporting his Policy without giving them the Offices commented upon.—The Democracy warned.

Confedrit × Roads
(wich is in the Stait uv Kentucky),
February 15, 1866.

I hev had hopes uv Androo Johnson. My waitin sole hez bin centred onto him for a year back. He wuz the Moses wich I spected wood lead the Democrisy out uv the desolate Egypt into which we hev bin making bricks without straw for five long weary and dreary years. O, how I hev yearned for Johnson! O, how I hev waited, day after day, and week after week, and month after month, for some manifestation uv Dimocrisy wich is satisfactory—suthin tangible—suthin that I cood take hold on.

Faith is the substance uv things hoped for, and the evidence of things not seen; wich is all right so fur ez religion ez concerned, but uv no account in politix. A friend uv mine, who wuz a monomaniack on the subjick uv faith, undertook to live on it, under the insane belief that ef a man had faith pork wuz unnecessary. Wuz the experiment a success? Not any. When he commenst the trial he weighed 200; in a week he wuz down to 125; and in fourteen days he slep in the valley!

I hev bin livin on faith for a year or more, and I too am thin. My bones show; light shines through me; I am faint and sick. Oh, for suthin that I can see and feel—suthin solid!

Our Dimocratic noosepapers are supportin Androo Johnson. They claim that his polisy is our polisy; that he is ourn, and we are hizn. They are singin hosanners to him. At his every act they exclaim Halleloogy! in chorus. What is it all about? In what partikeler hez Androo Johnson showed hisself to be a Dimokrat? In the name uv Dimocrisy let me ask, “Where is the offices?” Who’s got em? What is the politikle convickshuns uv the wretch who is post master at the Corners, and who only last nite refused, in the most heartless manner, to trust me for postage stamps? Who is the Collectors, the Assessors, et settry? Are they constitooshnel Dimokrats? Is Stanton, and Seward, and Welles histed out uv the cabinet, and Vallandigum, and Brite, and Wood apinted in their places? Not onct. Every post master, every collector, every assessor, every officer, is a ablishinist, dyed deeply and in fast colors.

Faith without works is a weak institution; its like a whisky punch with the whisky omitted, wich is a disgustin mixter uv warm water and sugar. What is it to me (who hev bin ready to accept any position uv wich the salary wuz sufficient to maintain a individooal uv simple habits) who is beheaded, so ez I don’t get a place? Androo Johnson may cut off offishl heads ez dexterously and proofoosely ez he chooses; but my sole refuses to thrill when I know that Ablishnists, though uv a different stripe, will be apinted. So long ez Dimocrats are kept out, what care I who hez the places? Paul may plant and Apollus water; but uv what account is the plantin and waterin to me ef I don’t get the increase? I take no delight in sich spectacles. Ef Androo Johnson proposes to be a Dimockrat,—ef he desires the honest, hearty support of the party,—let him seel his faith with works.

I visited Washington with the express purpose uv seein the second Jackson. I am a frank man, and I laid the matter afore him without hesitation. I told him that the Postmaster at the Corners wuz opposin his policy and aboosin him continually; that it wuz a outrage that men holdin place under the Administration should not sustain the Administration. In the name uv Right, I demanded a change.

I sposed that to wunst the position would be offered to me; and after protestin a sufficient time that I did not wish it, and would prefer the apintment of some more worthy man, I should accept it, and go home provided for three years. Imagine my deep, my unutterable disgust, when he told me that he wood investigate the matter, and probably wood make a change, provided he could find, in the vicinity, some original Union man who would accept the place!

Then the iron entered my soul. Then I felt that in him we had no lot nor part.

Our principles are uv a very comprehensive nature. We are willin to endorse Andro Johnson, or any other man. We will endorse his theories uv Reconstruction, or any man’s theories. We are elastic, like Injy rubber. The boy who set a hen on a hundred eggs acknowledged to his maternal parent that she could not kiver em; but he remarked he wanted to see the old thing spred herself. We have that spreadin capacity. We kin accommodate the prejudices uv the people uv all the various localities. In Connecticut we are singin John Brown’s body lies a mouldrin in the grave, in a modritly loud tone, and supporting a Ablishnist who voted for doin away with slavery in the District of Columby and for the Constooshnel Amendment. In Kentucky we are hangin men uv the John Brown style, and mobbin all uv the persuasion uv the Connecticut nominee. Sich a variety uv principle,—a party uv sich adaptability,—kin hev but one great central idee, on wich there is no diversity uv opinion, and to which all other ideas is subordinate. That idea is Post Office! and ef Androo Johnson could be got rite on that question, we’d care not wat else he required uv us.

We hev our arms around Androo. We are huggin him to our buzzums; but he hez left his baggage to hum. That baggage is wat we want; and we shel fling him off shortly, onless he changes his policy in this respeck. He kin hev us on easy terms; but he must furnish the ammunishun with which to fight his battles. Will he do it? That’s the question a hundred thousand hungry soles, who hanker even ez I do, are daily askin.

Petroleum V. Nasby,
Lait Paster uv the Church uv the Noo Dispensashun.

XII.

The President’s 22d of February Speech.—The Account thereof of One behind the Scenes.—Hopes and Fears of the Democracy.

Washington, February 23, 1866.

I don’t know; but there is a still small voice within me wich whispers, “All is well!” The delusive phantom, Hope, may be playin false with me. The wish may be paternal parient to the thought, and I may be indulgin in a dream from wich I shel be, to-morrer, roodly awakened; but it’s my opinion that the day-star uv glory hez arozen onto the Dimocracy; that our night uv gloom is over; and that, at larst, the Government, or at least the only part we care about,—the offisis,—is ourn. I heerd Androo Johnson speak last nite! I stood beside him! I helpt hold him up! I smelt his breath. It’s all rite!

I hed hopes when he vetoed that large and varied assortment uv Ablishn abominashens,—the Freedmen’s Burow bill,—notwithstandin there were pints in his message I coodent sanction. The veto wuz heavenly, but his reasons were unsound. When he expressed hisself ez bein determined upon sekoorin the niggers in their rites, I felt fearful that there wuz a honist diffrence uv opinion atween him and Congress wich mite be settled, and then what wood become uv us? Ef the niggers is to hev rites, in the name uv Heaven, I asked myself, what difference does it make to us whether they hev em by Charles Sumner’s system (on whose head rest cusses!), or A. Johnson’s? And ez is customary when men ask theirselves questions, I got no answer. Men never ask theirselves questions wich kin be answered.

But last nite my doubts wuz removed. Little Sam Cox, and Dan Voorhees, and the Woods, and Tom Florence, and Coyle, and me, hed bin with Androo all day. The Ablishnists avoided him after the veto; and knowin he’d done suthin he wuzn’t quite shoor wuz wise, he needed bracin up, and we wuz ready to brace him. Isn’t it singler that men, when they go to the devil, alluz go in squads? Cox hed him cornered all day, a readin to him extrax from Forney’s Press, and choice selections from Sumner’s speeches; and Voorhees and the others wuz a intimatin to him that only in the buzzum uv the Dimocrisy cood he find that conjeniality uv sperit so nessary to him; and by the time the serenade wuz ready, he wuz ez full uv venom ez wuz possible, and his capassity in that line is immense.

The company all went with him onto the stand, and my eyes saw the first cheerin vision wich they hev beheld for years. Before us stood ten thousand or more Dimocrats. There wuz the veteran from Lee’s army in his soot uv gray, which hed, by continyood contact with the pavements uv Washington—wich, not hevin bin slept on much, sense Bookannon’s time, they don’t sweep—hed become somewhat uv the color uv the clay. There wuz the offiser who surrendered with Johnston, and them noble sons uv Baltimore, and Rawly, and Charleston, who, though they didn’t serve their section in the field, were ardent in their support uv the cause. There were the old-style Dimocrats uv the North, whose faith in Johnson’s Dimocrisy, based upon the scene wich took place at the inauguration, wuz greater than mine, hed come on with their applications for Post Offises, and who jined so heartily in the cheers wich went up for J. Davis: and there, addressin this crowd, wuz a President—the man who had the appintin power in his hands—who cood make and unmake Post Offisis.

It did me good, and yet I doubtid. Wood he go through with it? Wood he lock horns with Wade and Sumner, and dare the wrath uv Thad Stevens? Wood he? He wavered and shrunk back ez he saw the style uv the awdience before him; for he hed bin, for four years, accustomed to better dressed people. But Cox and Florence wuz ekal to the emergency. Samyooel whispered into his one ear, “Whitewash!” and Florence into tother, “Charles the I.!” and flamin up like a conflagratid oil well, he waded it. Then I felt that it wuz all right. Then my soul expanded; and ez he went on, pilin Billinsgate upon Billinsgate, usin Tennessee stump slang, improved by a liberal mixter uv the more desprit variety he hed picked up in Washinton and Baltimore, I felt that it wuz indeed well with us. He wuz talkin ez a Dimokrat to Dimokrats; and it wuz appreciated. Strippin off all uv the disguise he hed bin a wearin for four years,—washin off, in rage and whisky, the varnish and putty with wich he hed shined up his dullness, and filled up the cracks and cavities wich hed alluz troubled him,—he stood forth ez we knowd him—Androo Johnson! How he did froth and foam! How he did lash his late associates! and how those Dimokrats who kum to Washinton with petitions for places in their pockets did wink at each other, and poke each other in the ribs, with exultation and jockelarity wich they cood not conceal! And how the Ablishnists, wich hung onto the outskirts uv the crowd, in the hope that he wood declare himself in sich a way ez to give em some hope, did walk away sorrowfully and sore, ez tho they felt that they hed a new trouble afore em! And how the soljers uv Lee, and the quartermasters wich hed made Richmond their headquarters doorin the war, did cheer and sling their hats into the air, and in the uncontrollable enthoosiasm uv the moment invariably snatch better ones from the heads uv the Northern men in the crowd! It wuz gorgus.

While His Eggslency’s course gives me hope, I don’t want it to be understood that I am prepared to fully and entirely indorse him. I don’t go much on men who do things in a state uv madnis; neither do I invest heavy in that Dimokrat wich requires an extra load uv likker to make him act and talk like a Dimokrat. Androo Johnson was and is a Dimokrat—a ginooine Dimokrat. The accident uv his learnin to read, in his yooth, gave him a preëminence over us in Tennessee, and put him through the various places he hez filled. His affinities wuz with us; his style wuz our style, and his habits our habits; and he hed no biznis to ever git out uv the fold. I cannot forgit that he went back on us at a critikle time in the histry uv the party. He saw that the effort the Dimocrisy uv the South wuz makin to regain their rites wood be a failyoor; the aristocracy uv the South hed snubbed him, and refoozed to recognize him; but all this shood not hev affected him. It’s the normal condishn uv the lower grade uv Dimokrats to be snubbed; and they hev no rite to inquire whether anything the aristocracy uv the party propose is goin to be a failyoor or not. It’s their dooty to obey orders without questionin.

Wat spiled Johnson wuz Massachoosits. He pretended to be loyal, and Massachoosits patted him on the back. They took him into good society. They let him associate with Sumner and sich, and the man became infatooated. He got to drinkin high priced drinks, and wearin clean shirts, and begun to ape the manners uv those into whose sphere he hed bin thrown, There wuz these two opposin forces contendin within him—nateral proclivities and acquired tastes—wich may be represented by whiskey out uv a jug, and mint jooleps at Willard’s. Massychoosits wuz a pullin him up, and North Carolina wuz equally vigorously pullin him down. He wantid to stay with Massychoosits, but he wuz uncomfortable all the time; and finally nacher asserted her supremacy, and he broke over, and like the water long confined in a dam, when its bustid its obstructions, and goes, it goes with a loosenis, and tears up, and takes a very large quantity uv dirt and drift wood with it.

Before I tie myself to A.J., I want to know fer certin what he proposes to do. Who is to hev the Post Offisis? Is Ablishnists to still retain the places uv trust and profit? Does he propose to organize a new party, made up uv sich Republikins ez he can indoose to foller him and the Dimocrisy? Ef so, I ain’t in. Decidedly, I ain’t in. Emphatically, count me out. For the reason, that he kin git jist enuff Republikins, percisely, and no more, to fill the offisis, and they will be uv sich a character ez will do the Dimokrisy no credit. I won’t be tail to no kite. We are willin to play kite; but tail, never! Ef we boost Androo Johnson, Androo Johnson must boost us. Does he think we kin carry sich a load ez he is for nothin? Nary. Ef we hev a consoomin desire to git along without offisis, we are doin very well at that now, we thank you; and we haven’t the responsibility uv the Administration uv a eggstremely shaky man to carry. Sich loads must be paid for.

But, after all, I hev hopes. He hez cut hisself loose from Sumner and Stevens; and in less than a week every Republikin uv modrit sensibilities will be aboozin uv him to that extent that he won’t be able to git back agin. He’s an animal uv the bull kind; and criticism and opposition is to him the red flag wich the Spanish matadors, I bleeve they call em, waves afore the animals they wish to infooriate, and they may drive him into our ranks.

I wait, and watch, and hope. Ef I kin wunst git a commission, with the broad seel uv the Postmaster General onto it, confirmin me in the possession uv the Post orifis at the Corners, I shel bless the day that Androo Johnson left us, and prokoored his elevation to the Presidency. May the day be hastened!

Petroleum V. Nasby,
Lait Paster uv the Church uv the Noo Dispensashun.

XIII.

Another Warning.—Profuse Expenditure of Powder and Torchlight Processions deprecated.—The President implored to show his Hand.

Confedrit × Roads
(wich is in the Stait of Kentucky),
February 29, 1866.

I notice, all over the North, the Democrisy is a firin guns, and marchin after brass bands, and hirin halls for endorsin Androo Johnson. Ez a sentinel on the watch-tower, I protest!

In the name uv suffrin Kentucky, uv wich State I am a adopted sitizen, I protest!

In the name uv common sense and ordnary politikle sagassity, I protest!

Androo Johnson may possibly be on the high road to Dimocrisy; but, ez yet, what ashoorence hev we? Am I datin my letters from “Post Orifis, Confedrit × Roads?” Hez there bin, as yit, any well authenticated case uv the removal uv a Ablishnist, and the apintment uv a constooshnel Democrat in his stead? Not that I hev heard of. Per contrary, the Ablishnists—them ez wuz apinted by Linkin—are still holdin on, ez calm ez a summer mornin, without any apparent fear uv any change affectin them.

Who pays for the Halls? Who pays the music? Who pays the Powder? Dimocrats who do these scent Post Offises in the distanse. Are they like the the war hoss in Job’s writins, who smelled the battle afar off, and remarked Ha, Ha! to the trumpets? Let me enticet sich that they kin make a better investment uv their means.

The cost uv one meetin, put in korn whisky, wood not only solace theirselves, but start half a dozen Ablishnists on the road to Dimocrisy.

Men is deceptive. I hev hopes uv Androo Johnson myself, and principally becoz Vallandigum and Fernandy Wood hev hopes. Them buzzards kin smell carrion a long distance, and they are seldom at fault. In this case, they may be. They base their hopes on Johnson’s speech, at Washington, on the 22d. There may be suthin in it; but ain’t it possible that the stench wich they took for Dimocrisy, and wich they sposed cum from Johnson, ariz from them ez surrounded him?

“But,” sez a Dimocrat, whose nose, from long continued lack of supplies, hez softened down from a generous crimson to a ghastly bloo, and who woodent hev a small Post orifis at no price, ef it wuznt offered him, “look at the class he spoke to.”

Wat noncents! Androo wuz mad. There wuz a mass uv bile on hiz politikle stumick wich must be got rid uv. He had sum nasty things to say, and it wuz a part uv the eternal fitness uv things that he shood hev a nasty audience to say em to.

I don’t propose to go orf into spasms over the present sitooashun. Johnson proposes to continoo the Freedmens’ Buro, and hezn’t no noshun of repeelin the test oath, or uv drawin the military out uv the Dimocratik States. So far as heard from, we uv the South is still in a stait of abject custitood. Our habis corpuses wich Linkin took away from us hevn’t bin returned, and we are obleeged to git along ez best we kin without em. I knocked down a small nigger yisterday, for the purpus uv assertin the sooperiority uv the Cauchashun race over the Afrikin, and wuz to wunst hauled up afore a Freedmen’s Buro, and fined. Our high-toned and chivalrous members are exclooded from Congris on the frivolus plea that they wuz kernels and briggydeer Ginerals in the Confederit servis; and all these outragis agin Dimocrisy Androo Johnson, by permittin, absolootly approves.

I could probably swaller all these things. I am a Dimokrat uv thirty years standin, and, uv course, hev bin on both sides uv every politikle fence. The seats of my politikle pants is full of slivers. But, before I take down these things, I WANT TO KNOW WHAT I AM GOIN TO GIT FOR IT. Ef Androo Johnson goes back on his party and his pledges, he, uv course, asks us to go back on ourn. In sich transactions, where both parties, by bein engaged in it at all, confess themselves ruther a low grade of skoundrels, I think it well enuff to hev the consideration paid down.

Ef Androo Johnson wants me, he knows the terms. I am his to command, for a consideration; ez much so ez is the thousands uv Demokrats who hev bin, for the past week, gittin up Demonstrations. But I want suthin to go on. When I hev his permisson, under the broad seel uv the Post Orfis Department, to write “P.M.” after my illustrious name, I shell be prepared to wade in. I hev bin huntin up several reasons for supportin him. I hev em all ready. I only want this additional one, and then I fling my banner to the breeze. Faith is sed to be the sun of all religious systems. Post Offis is the central figger in all Democratic creeds—the theme uv conversation by day, and the staple uv dreems by night. How long! oh, how long!

Petroleum V. Nasby,
Lait Paster uv the Church uv the Noo Dispensashun.

XIV.

Refuses to Support the President, having no Confidence in Him.—Again warns the Democracy.

Confedrit × Roads
(wich is in the Stait uv Kentucky),
March 12, 1866.

The politikle sky is orecast with friteful clouds. Darkness is on the face uv the waters. The waves is a rollin mountin high, the litenin flashes ominous thro the gloom, and the deep-mouthed thunder mutters angrily in the distants. Ez a sentinel on the watch-tower, I look out, and what do I see? I see the old ship uv State loaded down with a valuable cargo uv Post-offices, Collectorships, and sich, a laborin in the trough uv the sea, her bowsprit cove in, her top-gallant lanyards bustid, her jib-boom a flutterin in the gale, her capstan spliced, and her sheet anker torn to ribbons. (Not hevin bin a sailor, only ez a driver on the Wabash Kanal, it is possible my nautikle terms may not be altogether correct. But it makes no difference in the interior uv Kentucky.) She is strivin to make her harbor, and is workin manfully. Close behind her is the long, low, rakish skooner Dimocrisy, with all sale set, a tryin her best to overtake her and board her. For a time it seemed ez tho she wood be successful, but alas! she is fallin astern, and every minnit the distance between em is a widenin, widenin, widenin, and at present writin there ain’t the remotest prospect uv their gettin within hailin distance uv each other.

To drop mettafor (wich, by the way, I kin jerk when I feel so disposed), the prospect isn’t ez encouragin ez it wuz, and I fear, in fact I feel certain, that the short cut to offis wich the Democrisy thought it had found through Androo Johnson’s veto, is reely the longest way round. I cannot understand what indoost the Dimocratic leaders, our chosin standard-bearers, to make sich egrejus asses uv theirselves ez to place enny dependence on Johnson at all. What cood they hev bin thinkin uv? Wuz not our experience in 1864 sufficient to deter em from makin any experiment wich involved abandonment uv any uv our principles? Didn’t we, in the hope uv ketchin Abolition war votes, nominate MickLellan, and didn’t the war men jeer us, and flout us, and say, “Behold, we hev better war men uv our own; why shood we leave home to find that uv wich we hev a plenty?” When Androo Johnson, in a fit uv temporary indignashun, split on Sumner, why did our people, like idiots, pick him up, and endorse him without givin the matter matoor considerashun—without waitin for the fax? Didn’t they know that Sumner wuz a sort uv a dose uv calomel, wich worked on the President’s liver, and necessitated the discharge uv all the offensive matter wich hed accumulated doorin his long term uv Dimocrisy? Uv course it wuz, and to-day Androo Johnson, hevin in that speech got rid uv the last vestidge uv Dimocrisy wich infected him, comes up a stronger man agin us than ever. We made two errors: On the 4th uv March, 1865, at his inoggerashun, when he made a spectacle uv hisself, we murmured gently to ourselves, “It’s all right! he’s yet wun uv us.” And we sed the same after the splurge uv the 22d uv February last. Oh, my friends, they wuz both fatal errors. Them spasms wuz the efforts uv a noble nacher a tryin to git rid uv Locofocoism, and from the fact that he immejitely after commenst a missellaneously apintin Abilishnists and Republicans to offises, and hezn’t showed a sine uv a disposition to extend his hand to a single confidin Democrat, it’s my opinion he’s succeeded.

We bet too heavy on the fight atween the President and Sumner. Sumner is ordained to alluz hev a gong uv sum kind, which he is also ordained to keep perpetually a poundin. He’s bin for several years amusin hisself a poundin the Dimocrisy, and when there wuzn’t enuff uv that to make it interestin, he turned on Johnson, and he’ll pound at him till suthin else excites his wrath. He’s a Spanish bull, possessin sharp horns, and a immense amount uv strength and agility, which he is continooally a wastin by jumpin at sich red flags ez are mischeevusly waved afore him. He’s jest ez apt to gore his frends ez his enemies, and his lungin at Johnson wuz no sign that Johnson had gone back on Ablishnism.

But enuff uv this. Sence it hez become a fixed fact that the boorish tailor, who now by accident okkepies the place uv the marter Linkin, made vacant by his untimely death by the hand uv a vile assassin (whose only redeemin trait wuz that he wuz a stanch, uncompromisin Dimocrat),—now, I say, that it’s plain that this drunken sot ain’t agoin to distribute the patronage amongst us who need it so much, I ask, in indignashun, wat is it that we are asked to endorse?

He proposes to continue the Freedmen’s Buro bizness.

He refooses to withdraw the military from the Dimokratic States.

He refooses to restore to our sufferin brethren uv the Dimocratic States the habis corpusses wich the tyrant Linkin wrested from them.

He keeps Jefferson Davis a pinin in a loathsome dungeon, and only refooses to bring him to trial becoz, 4sooth, he haint yet got things in the right shape to hang him.

I cood enumerate other insults and opressions he hez piled upon Dimocrats, but I forbear. I might, if I wuz disposed to harrow up the Dimocratic sole and lasserate the Dimocratic bosom, state how I wuz treated, when, on the 24th uv Febrooary last I made a delegashun uv myself, and went to Washington for the purpose uv layin before him the necessity uv the removal uv the postmaster at the Corners, and the apintment uv myself in his stead. I found that his speech had reached all other parts uv the Yoonited States ez soon ez it hed Kentucky, for there wuz suthin over a hundred thousand stanch Dimocrats there, all with petitions noomerously signed, wich they hed held over from Bookannon’s administration, recommendin uv em to places. How wuz we reseeved? How did Androo Johnson treet us? I mite say how emphatically I wuz shoved out uv his room, and with what reckless profanity I heerd him remark that Washington had stunk with secesh ever since he vetoed the bill; that that foolish speech had acted on the whole country like a puke, and that each State had spewed its foulest material onto Washington, and that the atmosphere wuz heavy with their breath, et settry, et settry, but I forbear.

Suffice it to say that the few Democratic members uv Congress had hard work borrowin money enuff to git the most spectable uv the crowd home agin, and even then thousands uv em who wuz drawed there by that speech, shoor uv apintments, wuz obliged to walk home ignominiously, uv whom I wuz which.

Androo Johnson may be worthy uv Dimocratic support, but he hez a queer way uv showin it. I know not wat others may do, but ez for me and my household I’ll run after no strange gods. Ef he wants us, let him call on us in language wich we kin understand.

Petroleum V. Nasby,
Lait Paster uv the Church uv the Noo Dispensashun.

XV.

The Patriarchal System.—An Affecting Appeal in Behalf of a Friend.

Confedrit × Roads
(wich is in the Stait uv Kentucky),
March 19, 1866.

Yesterday I happened to pick up a kopy uv a friteful depraved Ablishin paper, and my horror-stricken eyes wuz glued to the follerin passage, which I read:—

“I am happy to state to you that our free negroes are doing finely. We have no trouble with them. They have all gone to work manfully. They give an impetus to trade that we never before had. I have sold John Guttle’s negroes, this year and last, more goods than I ever sold Guttle, and he owned two hundred and fifty slaves. So you see the free negro system is working well with us.”

Ez I peroozed them lines, tears started involuntarily from my beamin eyes, and coursed in torrents down my venerable cheeks. I know John Guttle well, I may say intimately. He wuz a dear friend,—one uv the few wich I kall friend in the most catholic and comprehensive sense uv the word. He holds my note fur eighteen dollars and 63 cents; and I hev sumwhere among my papers, wich I have alluz carefully preserved for reference, a memorandum uv his address, that I might be shoor not to forget to send it to him. I give him the note becoz he furnished the paper, and it made him easy in his mind—I put down the memorandum bekoz it looked business-like. Benevolence is a prominent trait in my karacter. When givin my note for borrered money will do a man good, I never begrudge the trouble uv writin it.

But wat I wuz a goin to say wuz, that the feendishnis uv that item passes belief. The writer puts it in print to show that the Ablishn uv slavry benefitted sumbody. I grant him that the merchant, who undoubtedly wuz born in Massachusetts, wuz benefitted by the change; so are the greesy mechanics who are now pollutin the soil uv Alabama; and so, probably, are the 250 niggers; but, in the name uv Liberty, in the name uv Justice, in the name uv the Constertooshun uv the Yoonited States, and the flag uv our Common Country, I ask, How about John Guttle?

John Guttle is robbed. John Guttle is deprived uv his property. The bred is taken from John Guttle’s mouth; his staff is broken; his dependence is gone; he is bereft.

Never shall I forget John Guttle or his hospitable mansion, ez I knowed it in the happy year afore the crooel war. He wuz a gentleman uv the old skool—one uv the few left us in these degenerate days. His home wuz wun uv unalloyed happiness. Situated just back uv Mobeel, he had the finest plantashun in that section, and hed on it 250 niggers. All shades wuz represented. There wuz the coal-black Cuffee, whose feechers denoted the pure Afrikin, and whose awkward manners showed that he wuz not long from Afrika. There wuz the civilized mulatto, in whose veins the Guttle blood showed; the quadroon, in whom the good old Guttle blood predominated; and the octoroon, which wuz mostly Guttle. The Guttleses wuz eminently a Christian generation. They wuz devoutly pious; and there never wuz one uv the name who cood not repeat, without the book, all uv the texts bearin on slavery. The passages in which Onesimus and Hager figger wuz favorites with em; but on “cussid be Canaan” they wuz strong. For generations they had mourned over the hard fate uv the sons uv Ham, doomed to perpetooal bondage becoz uv the sin uv their father; and with a missionary spirit ekaled by few and excelled by none, they did their part towards redoosin that cuss, by makin ez many of em ez possible half-brothers to the more favored race uv Japhet, and thus bringing uv em out uv the cuss; and they had mellered the color uv their charges down from the hideous black to a bright yeller. Under the old patriarkle system, time passed orf smoothly and pleasantly with the Guttle family. Them 250 niggers wuz obliged, uv course, to work, and their labor wuz money. John bought each uv the male sons uv Ham too soots uv close per annum, and each uv the female sons uv Ham one soot. It wuz considered healthy for the young ones to go naked, which they wuz religiously allowed to do, ez none uv the Guttles uv that family wood do any thing agin nater or her laws. The girls hed pianos, and wuz educated at the North; the boys wuz celebrated for horse racing and their skill at losin money at faro. They wuz hospitable and generous to a fault. Their house wuz open house, and their beverages wuz alluz the best. Money wuz no objick to them; for when they had a severe attack of poker, or faro, or hoss racin, they hed plenty uv octoroons and quadroons, with the real Guttle nose, wich brand wuz well known in Noo Orleans, and wood alluz command the highest possible figger that wuz paid in that market; or, ef they had no more than they wanted at home uv that style, why, a few field hands wood be sold, and the remainin ones wood be persuaded by the overseer to do the work uv the whole. John Guttle’s sons wuz all in the Confederit army. His daughters, willin to sacrifice every thing fur the cause, heroically pledged theirselves to whip the niggers theirselves doorin their absence.

Now all is changed! A shadder hez fallen across that peaceful home. The nigger quarters is there, but the niggers is not. The broad plantashun is divided up into small farms, and half uv it is owned by Ablishnists from the North, who work theirselves, and who hev a meetin house on one corner uv it, and the niggers a skool house on the tother. The race track is plowed up and in cotton; the whippin-post and the stocks is taken down and burned; all, all the evidences uv civilizashun hez faded afore the ruthless hand of the invader. John Guttle—that generous old man—subsists by the labor uv his own hands. One uv his sons ekes out a miserable existence running a dray in Mobeel; another, who is gifted with no ordinary intelleck, earns a respectable livin playin seven-up; in a small way, with his former niggers; and the two girls is runnin a sewing masheen.

Talk not to me uv benefits. What is a dozen tradesmen and two hundred and fifty niggers to the gellorious old Dimocratic John Guttle? What is the interest uv a dozen or so uv Noo England mechanics, and the niggers aforesaid, when compared to that glorious aristocracy which can never exist beside em? Kin I go and borrer eighteen dollars and sixty-three cents uv one uv them? No. Becoz, working for their paltry livins, they place a higher valyoo on money, and will not spread it around ez profoosely ez the nobble race which preceded em.

Another great wrong is done in this settin free uv John Guttle’s niggers. John Guttle hez, uv course, no further interest in the Dimocratic party. Slavery wuz the umbillikle cord which united the Southern slaveholder and the Northern Dimocrat; and, that cord cut, why hez John Guttle any more interest in Dimocracy? We stood ez a Chinese wall between them and the rushin flood uv Ablishn fanaticism; and we made the wall biznis pay. They furnished money, and we did the work; and, there bein but few uv us, the orfisis wuz easily divided. Alas! our okepashin’s gone. The South is forever lost to us; for she has no dirty work for us to do.

I appeal to the Yoonited States uv America. In behalf uv John Guttle, I say, give him back his niggers. In behalf uv the Dimocrisy North who are out uv employment, give him back his niggers. In behalf uv his son who is runnin a dray, give him back his niggers. In behalf uv his daughters runnin a sewin machine, give him back his niggers. Make things Normal agin. Like John the Baptist, the Government shall hear the voice uv one howlin in the wilderness until all these is done.

Petroleum V. Nasby,
Lait Paster uv the Church uv the Noo Dispensashun.

XVI.

A Dream.—The Corpse of Republicanism.—Who the Mourners were, and how they felt.—The awakening of the Sleeping Giant, and the Scattering that followed.

Confedrit × Roads
(wich is in the Stait uv Kentucky),
March 30, 1866.

I hev bin to Washinton. That Ablishn Postmaster at the Corners hed become to me a nitemare. Day after day I seed him a handlin guvment money, drawin his salery promptly, and takin his drinks reglerly, while I, a Constooshnel Dimekrat, a supporter uv our great and good President, wuz forced to the humiliashun uv waitin till I wuz treated, ceptin when a new grocery keeper cum in, which gave me a chance to establish a credit for a short time. I felt that sumthin must be done, and therefore I went to Washinton.

Knowin that for men uv my profound convickshins, holdin my views ez to consiliashen and sich, I hed no call to go to the Postmaster-General, who is a Ablishnist, I went dreckly to the Second Jaxon hisself. I succeeded in gettin a audience late in the afternoon. Our patron saint wuz a sittin at a table, eggsausted with receevin delegashens and sich.

“Well,” sed he.

“Honerd and spected sir,” said I, “I am a applicant for the post orfis at Confedrit × Roads, wich is at present held by a Ablishnist who does not beleeve in yoor policy, wich I do beleeve in solemnly. Spected and honered sir,” sed I, “ef I shood have twins born to me this nite, I shood name em both Policy.”

“Wich State are yoo from?” sed he, half asleep.

“From Kentucky, honered and spected sir,” sed I.

“Well,” sed he, yawnin feerfully, and turnin to a clerk, “Fill out a pardon, and give him a commission!”

“Honered and spected sir,” sed I, in a fit of loonacy for wich I can’t account, “I don’t need a pardon. I wuz never in the late lamented Confedrit servis.”

“What’n thunder, then, are yoo here for, beggin a post offis? Git out, yoo imposter!” and I wuz too wunst ignominiously showed to the door. I didn’t quite understand the lay uv the land around the White House.

In vane I tried to git back, that I might convince him I did ez much for the Confederasy ez my humble abilities permitted, and that I needed consiliatin ez badly ez anybody. Then, hart broke and dead broke, not heving the wherewith to prokoor more sootable lodgin, I lay me down on the cold stun steps, and sought refuge from my troubles in sleep.

I dreemed a dream. Methawt I wuz in a room in the White House. Stretched out on one side uv the room wuz the corpse uv a giant, a monster in size and strength, but withal uv a pleasin presence, and fair to look upon. Onto its head was a liberty cap, and by its side wuz a sword, considerably dinted, and with all the gildin knocked off.

“Wat is these?” sed I, pointin to the corpse, askin a sort uv a attendant.

“Them,” replied he, “is the defunct carcass uv Republikinism. He was a hefty yooth in his day, but he died this mornin. Look! the mourners are a comin to divide his clothes.”

And shoor enuff, they came in. At the head wuz the second Jaxon, which the Ablishnists derisively call Moses, who appeared to be angry, and clost behind him wuz Seward, a weepin out uv one eye, and a smilin out uv tother, and Jim Lane, who hed a handkercher wich he occasionally put to his eyes, but wich I notist wuz ez dry ez a lime kiln, and Doolittle, and Lee, and Raymond, and Beauregard, and Cowan, and Stephens, and Thurlow Weed, and Vallandigham, and Governor Sharkey, and a host uv others, all uv wich ranged theirselves around the bier.

“He wuz a promisin yooth,” sed Seward, a puttin his handkercher to his eyes, “but the atmosphere uv the White House wuz too much for him. I insist, however,” sed he, a pocketin the handkercher, and takin hold uv a trinket the corpse held in his hand, labelled “Presidency, 1868,” from which hung mor’n a million uv smaller trinkets, “that ez ’twas me that pizened him, this is mine.”

“Nary,” sed Johnson; “I did the biziness for him, and it’s mine.”

“Settle it ez yoo please,” sed Raymond, gently, “but whoever gits it must remember that this Secretaryship is mine.”

“And I,” sed Doolittle, “must hev, for my assistance, this little affair marked ‘St. James,’ for my seat in the Senit is a goner.”

“For my part,” sed Jim Lane, “the western appointments is mine. Its worth em all to wear this collar.”

“My friends,” sed Stephens, “I find no amnesty about the corpse. There must be one manufactured and stuck in his pocket, to be prodoost at the funeral.”

Thurlow Weed sed nothin, but looked on with a sardonic smile, knowin perfeckly well that whoever took the biggest part uv the plunder, he’d control it, any way.

Governor Sharkey laid claim to a secretaryship, and Boregard to the place uv Sherman, and Lee to Grant’s position, and Vallandigham wanted this, and tother feller that, and there wuz a terrible hubbub over the corpse. Wilkes Booth’s gost came in, and wanted to know what he wuz to hev in the new deal, “for,” sed he, “ef’t hadn’t bin for me, where’d yoo all hev bin? Talk uv the White House atmosphere killin him! I’m sure the shadder uv the buildin blasted what little uv his spirit yoo hed,” sed he, a turnin to Seward, “but ef Linkin hed lived, ha, ha!” sed he, in a tragedy voise. Then in trooped a lot uv other gosts. There wuz Bill Allen, uv Ohio, and Washington Hunt, uv Noo York, and Jeems Bookannon, uv Pennsylvania, and Eli Thayer, and Lew. Campbell, and Garret Davis, who started to make a speech, but the entire assemblage stuck their fingers in their ears, wich hint he took for the first time in his life, and desisted.

Finally Johnson swore “by the eternal” (he got that noshun from the first A.J., wich he thinks he resembles, coz his innitials is the same, and coz the original vetoed a bill wunst) that he wood hev the Presidency, and gobbled it. Seward, he snatched at it, and they tussled. The company stood by to see it out, for it made but little difference to them wich got it. In the skrimage Johnson happened to ram Seward up agin a window on the north side uv the room, and smashed it out. Jest then a blast uv north wind poured into the room through the aperture, and blowed onto the face uv the corpse. The effect was electrikle. Life ran through his veins, his face flushed, and the livid hue was changed to the ruddy glow uv health. The dead wuz alive; the giant raised to his feet, and looked around him, shakin off them ez wuz a hangin to him like insex. Noticin the trinket wich hed caused the skrimage in Johnson’s hand, he took him by the neck, and twistin it out uv his hand, flung him gently through the winder. “I ain’t made up my mind who to give this to, but yoo bet it ain’t yoo,” sed he.

“Willyum,” sed he, turnin to Seward, “I’m surprised at yoo. Wuz this bauble the price uv yoor honesty and yoor principle? Go, Willyum! Ez for yoo, Doolittle, yoo never wuz half baked; yoo, Thurlow, put Raymond in your vest pocket, and quit the presence. Yoo, Jim Lane, I leave to the tender mercies uv my friends in Kansas. Clear out the balance uv this rabble, and send for my friends. I’ve bin pizened, and smothered, and stunk nigh to death. Clear out the house, and sweep it, and sprinkle chloride uv lime; and sich, all over it. Shut down them Southern windows, and open those on the North, East, and West sides. I want a snuff uv fresh air, for I—”

At this pint I awoke, and found myself, not in the White House, but on the steps thereof, cold and shiverin. In my pocket wuz the papers wich didn’t get me the post orifis I wuz seekin, and in my mind wuz chaotic confusion. Wuz the dream prophetic, or wuz it merely a vagary uv the mind, wich, wen loosed from its clay, sores off onto its own hook, without any restraint. Is the giant Republican actually dead, or is he in a trance? Will it arise, and scatter them ez hez appinted themselves administrators uv its estate, and wich are beginnin to divide the assets, or will he stay ded? Wood, oh wood, that I knowed!

Petroleum V. Nasby,
Lait Paster uv the Church of the New Dispensashun.

XVII.

A Kentucky Tea Party.—Opinion entertained by Mrs. Deacon Pogram of Charles Sumner.—Discussion between Mrs. Deacon P. and an Illinois Store-keeper of the name of Pollock.—Miscegenation.

Confedrit × Roads
(wich is in the Stait uv Kentucky),
April 1, 1866.

Charles Sumner is not a very popular man in this section uv Kentucky; on the contrary, quite the reverse. He is known here ez an Ablishnist; ez one who is a chief supporter uv that hidjus sin—the infidelity, I may say, for a man may ez well deny the whole Bible ez to cast discredit upon Onesimus, Hagar, and Ham, onto wich the whole system uv Afrikin slavery rests—the origenator, therefore, uv the infidle beleef that Slavery is not uv divine origin, wich, judgin from the experience uv the last five years, appears to be gainin ground in the North. He is not, therefore, popular in this region.

Yisterday I attendid a tea party at Deekin Pogram’s, to wich the elite uv the Corners wuz present, incloodin an Illinoy store-keeper uv the name uv Pollock, wich hed bin invited because the Deekin hed, some three months ago, bought a bill uv goods uv him on ninety days’ time, and wantid an extension.

While at the table enjoyin the

“Cup wich cheers, but don’t intoxicate very much,”

ez Dryden hez it, tho I bleeve, to keep off chills, in this country, they mix three and a half parts uv whiskey to one uv tea, the name uv Sumner wuz mentioned.

Mrs. Pogram to-wunst remarked that she didn’t want the name uv that ojus creecher spoken at her table.

“Why?” sed I, gratified at the ebulition.

“I hate him!” sed she, spitefully.

“So do I,” replied I; “but what hev yoo agin him, aside from his obnoxious political opinions?”

“Didn’t he marry a nigger?” sed Mrs. P., triumphantly. “Didn’t he marry a nigger—a full-blooded nigger? and hezn’t he hed nineteen yaller children, every one uv wich he compelled, agin their will, to marry full-blooded niggers? Didn’t he—”

“Mrs. P.,” sed this Illinoy store-keeper, wich his name it wuz Pollock, “do yoo object to miscegenation?”

“Missee—what?” replied she, struck all uv a heap at the word.

“Miscegenation—amalgamation—marryin whites with niggers.”

“Do I?” retorted she; “ketch a son uv mine marryin a nigger! They are another race; they’r beasts; and who’d marry em but jist sich men ez Sumner and them other Ablishnists?”

“Then permit me to ask,” sed this Pollock, wich wuz bound to kick up a muss, “ef ther’s any race uv pure blood in this section uv Kentucky, wich is yaller?”

“No! uv course not,” sed Mrs. P.; “them yaller people is mulatters—half nigger, half white.”

“And them ez is quite white—not quite, but nearly so—about the color uv a new saddle, like Jane, there,” sed he, pintin to a octoroon girl uv 18 wich used to belong to the Deekin afore the isshooin uv the infernal proclamashen, “like Jane, there, wich is waitin on the Deekin, and—but, good Lord!” sed he, startin up like a tragedian.

“Wat!” shouted the company, all startin up.

“Nothin,” sed he: “only, now that Jane’s face is in range with the Deekin’s, wat a wonderful resemblance! She hez the Pogram nose and ginral outline uv face; not Mrs. P.’s angularity, but the Deekin all over. My deer sir,” sed he, addressin the Deekin, “ef she wuzn’t a quadroon, I shood say she looks enough like yoo to be yoor daughter, by a first wife, I shood say, for she hez not, ez I remarked, Mrs. P.’s angularity and gineral boneinis; but uv course, she bein a part nigger, the resemblance may be sat down ez-a-very-remarkable-coincidence!”

The Deekin turned ez white ez a sheet, and Mrs. Pogram turned ez red ez a biled lobster, from wich I inferred that there wuz trooth in a rumor I had heerd about the Deekin and his wife hevin a misunderstandin about a nigger woman and her baby, about 18 years ago, wich resulted in his bein made bald-headed in less than a minute, and the baby’s mother being sold South. The Illinoy store-keeper, uv the name uv Pollock, resoomed,—

“I wuz about askin wat them niggers is ez is nearly white?”

“Why, they’r octoroons, or seven-eighths white,” sed Mrs. Pogram.

“And no Kentuckian ever marries a nigger?” inquired the store-keeper, who I saw wuz pursooin his investigations altogether too fur.

“Never!” sed Mrs. Pogram; “we leave that to Ablishnists.”

“Well, then,” sed this Pollock, who, I spect, wuzn’t half so innsent ez he let on, “I see that yoo hev no objection to mixin with the nigger, providin yoo don’t do it legally; that amalgamashen don’t hurt nothin, pervidin yoo temper it with adultery. Is that the idee, Mrs. Pogram?”

Mrs. P. wuz mad, and made no reply, and Pollock persood the subjick.

“Jane there, is, I take it, about one-eighth nigger. She got her white blood from whites, uv course; and ez there coodent be no marryin in the biznis, there is proof positive in her face that the 8th commandment hez bin violated about four times somewhere in this vicinity, or wherever her maternal ancestors, on her mother’s side, may hev resided. What do yoo think about it, Deekin? Ez a Christian, woodent it be better to marry em than to add a violation uv the commandment to the sin uv amalgamashen? It wood redoose yoor load jest a half.”

The Deekin wuz too indignant to reply, and ez it involved a pint altogether too hefty for his limited intelleck, I took it up.

“My dear sir,” I remarked, “yoo don’t make the proper distinction, or, rather, yoo don’t appreciate the subjick at all. The nigger here sustains only one character with us,—that uv a inferior bein, the slave uv the hawty Caucashen, uv whom we are the noblest specimens; that is, the Deekin is, he bein a Southerner. I unfortunately wuz born in the North, and am a hawty Caucashen only by adoption. To marry a nigger wood be to destroy our idea uv sooperiority, for we marry only our ekals. The intercourse with em, the results uv wich yoo see indications, bein outside uv the pale uv matrimony, is not, ez yoo wood suppose, the result uv unbrideled licentiousnis, but is merely the assertion uv our superiority. When the lordly Caucashen (uv whom the Deekin is wich) bids a daughter uv Ham (wich, in the orginal Hebrew, signifies the hind-quarter uv a hog) come to him, and she doth it not, he breaks her head, wich inculcates obedience. One is only a slave indeed when he surrenders all his individyooel rites. The female slave cannot be considered ez entirely subdooed until she hez yielded to her owner everything. To marry em wood be to elevate em; the intercourse common among us is not a sin, it bein merely the assertion uv that superiority wich we claim is founded on the Holy Scripter. See Onesimus, Hagar, and Ham.”

“Yes,” sed the Deekin, who wuz now on the right track; “it’s a assertion uv our sooperiority; it’s a dooty every white man owes to his class, and I, for one, will alluz—”

“Let me ketch yoo at it, Gabe Pogram,” shouted Mrs. P., “and I’ll give you sich a cat-haulin ez yoo never—drat yoor sooperiority, and yoor Ham, and yoor Caucashen. Niggers is niggers, and—”

Noticin that Mrs. Pogram hedn’t quite arrived at the proper pitch uv self-sacrifice, I turned the discussion onto Sumner agin, ez a subjick upon wich they cood all agree.

I learned that his father wuz a Dutch grocery-keeper, and his mother an Irish washer-woman; that he run away from home at the tender age of 8, after murderin, in cold blood, his grandparents, one uv wich wuz a Jew and tother a Chinese; that he wuz apprenticed to the shoemakin biznis, and hed cut the throat uv his boss and his wife, and immersed the younger children into a biler uv scaldin water, where they were found mostly dead seven hours afterward; that he acquired wealth a sellin lottry tickets and brass clocks, et settry. His servants wuz redoost Southern gentlemen wich he hed swindled into his debt, and wich, under the laws uv Massychoosits, coodent git away, and that his intimate friends and associates wuz niggers, with wich he sot long at the festive board, and drunk champane; that Lucresha Mott wuz his sister, Anna Dickinson his daughter, Fred Douglas his half-brother, and that he kissed, habitually, every nigger child he met, and frowned so severially onto white children ez to throw em into spasms, and other items uv information uv wich, livin in the North, I wuz ignorant. Ez I remarked, he isn’t popular down here, and, cood hardly be elected to Congris from this Deestrick. The tea party broke up shortly after, Pollock winkin at me villainously ez he left the house, feelin good to think how he hed opened a old sore. That Pollock needs watchin.

Petroleum V. Nasby,
Lait Paster uv the Church uv the Noo Dispensashun.

XVIII.

A Cry of Exultation.—A Gleam of Light.

Confedrit × Roads
(wich is in the Stait uv Kentucky),
April 2, 1866.

Kin it be? Is it troo, or is it not troo? Is Androo Johnson all my fancy painted him, or is he still a heaven-defying persekooter uv the Democratic Saints? That’s wat I and some thousands uv waitin souls wood go suthin handsome to know.

I confess I never quite lost faith in Androo.

Pro-slavery Democracy sticks to a man ez does the odor uv the gentle skunk to clothes, and it is got rid uv only by the same means, to-wit, buryin the victim thereof.

Androo started out to be a Moses, and he is one; but I think he’s changed his Israelites. I onst saw a woman skinnin live eels, and I reproached her, saying,—

“Woman, why skinnest thou eels alive? Doth it not pain em?”

“Nary!” retorted she. “I’ve skinned em this way for going on to 20 years, and they’re used to it.”

Even so. The negroes hev bin in bondage so long that they’re used to it, and Androo feelin a call to continue in the Moses biznes, hez, I hope, turned his attention to the Dimocrisy. It’s us he’s a-goin to lead up out uv the Egypt uv wretchedness we’ve bin in for neerly five years; it’s us that’s a-goin to quit brick making without straw, and go up into the Canaan wich is runnin with the milk and honey uv public patronage. We shel hev sum fites: there’s Amakelitish post masters and Phillistine collectors to displace, but with a second Jaxon at our hed what can we fear?

I feel to-night like a young colt. To me it seems ez though my venerable locks, wich hangs scantily about my temples, hed grown black agin, and that my youth was returnin. Ef I hed any notion uv sooiside, them idea is dismist. I’m young agin. Wat hez worked this change? you ask. It’s the proclamation declarin the war at an end, and withdrawin from the Dimocratic States the odious hirelins uv the tyrant Linkin, and the doin away uv that terrible marshal law. That’s wat’s done it for me. Now I feel like sayin, with one uv old, “Mine eyes hev seed thy glory; let thy servant depart in peace.”

We hev bin dooly subjoogated some time, and a waitin for this. We wantid it, and longed for it ez the hart does for the water course, and considerably more, onless the hart wuz thirsty in the extreme. For now we are in the Yoonyun agin; we are under the shadder uv that glorious old flag wich protects all men ceptin niggers and ablishnists. The nigger is left to be adjustid by us, who is to be governed by the laws wich control labor and capital. Certenly he is—uv coarse. I saw two uv my neighbors adjustin one last nite. They wuz doin it with a paddle, wich wuz bored full uv holes. He didn’t seem to enjoy it ez much ez they did. By that proclamation our states are agin under their own control. Let em go at wunst to work to destroy all the vestiges uv the crooel war through wich they hev past. There aint no solgers now to interfere, for the policy uv keepin soldiers in and among free people is abhorrent to freedom and humanity. Go to work at wunst, and build up the broken walls uv your Zion.

We must hev Peace and unanimity; and Peace cannot dwell among us onless there’s a oneness uv purpose and sentiment. To prokoor this is yoor fust dooty. If there be among you them ez opposed yoo doorin yoor late struggle for Rites, hist em. Their presence is irritatin, and kin not be tolerated. Ablishunism is as abhorrent now as ever, and the sooner yoo are rid uv it the better. It is safe to assume that every man who opposed the lately deceased confederacy is a Ablishnist.

The next step, and the most important, is to tear down the nigger school houses and churches wich hev bin built here and there, and kindly take the nigger by the ear, and lead him back to his old quarters, wich is his normal position. The Yankee school teachers sent here by Freedmen’s Aid Societies shood properly be hung for spreadin dissatisfaction and spellin books among the niggers, but I wood advise mercy and consiliation. Tar and featherin, with whippins, will perhaps do ez well, and will go to show the world that our justice is tempered with charity; that we kin be generous ez well ez just. Yoor Legislatures shood be instantly called together, and proper laws for the government uv the Freedmen should be passed. Slavery is abolisht, and the people must live up to the requirements of the act in good faith. I protest agin any violation uv good faith, but labor must be done, for the skripter commands it, and our frail nature demands wat cant be got without it. We don’t like to do it, but shel skripter be violated? Not at all. The nigger must do it hisself, not ez a slave, for slavery is abolished, but ez a free man. Ethiopean citizens uv Amerikin descent (wich is mulatters), and full-blooded blacks, and all hevin in the veins a taint uv Afrikin blood, must be restrained gently, and for their own good, I suggest laws ez follows:—

1. They must never leave the plantation onto wich they are, when this act goes into effect, without a pass from the employer, under penalty uv bein shot.
2. They shel hev the privilege uv suein everybody uv their own color, ef they kin give white bail for costs.
3. They shel hev the full privilege uv bein sued the same ez white folks.
4. They shel be competent ez witnesses in cases in wich they are not interested, but their testimony is to go for nothin ef it is opposed by the testimony uv a white man or another nigger.
5. No nigger shel be allowed to buy or lease real estate outside uv any incorporated city, town, or village.
6. No nigger shel be allowed to buy or lease real estate within any incorporated city, town, or village, except as hereinafter provided for, to wit:—
7. He shel give notice uv his desires by publication for six consecutive weeks in some noosepaper uv general circulation in sed village, for wich publication he shel pay invariably in advance. He shel then give bonds, in sich sums ez the mayor shel decide, that neither he, nor any uv his ancestors, or descendants, or relations, will ever become public charges, and will always behave themselves with doo humility, the bondsmen to be white men and freeholders. Then the mayor shel cause a election to be proclaimed, and if the free white citizens shel vote “yea” unanimously, he shel be allowed to buy or lease real estate. If there is a dissenting vote, then he shel be put onto the chain gang for six months for his impudence in makin sich a request.
8. Their wages shel be sich ez they and the employers shel mutually agree; but that the negroes may not become luxurious and effeminate, wich two things is vices wich goes to sap the simplicity and strength uv a people, the sum shel never exceed $5 per month, but not less than enuff in all cases to buy him one soot uv close per annum, wich the employer shel purchase hisself.
9. The master shell hev the privilege uv addin to this code sich other rules and regulations for their proper government ez may strike him ez being good for em from time to time.

These provisions sekure the nigger in all the rites wich kin reasonably be asked for him, just elevated ez he is from slavery, and thrown upon the world, ignorant of the dooties of his new position and status. He is simple, and needs the guidin hand uv the stronger race.

My hart is too full to make further suggestions. Organized into a tabloo, with the constitooshun in one hand (wich beloved instrument kivers a great deal of ground), a scar-bangled spanner in the other, and a tramplin on a bloo coat wich I stript orf uv a returned nigger solger wich wuz sick, I exultinly exclaim, “The Union ez it is is ez good ez the Union ez it wuz. ’Ror!”

Petroleum V. Nasby,
Lait Paster uv the Church uv the Noo Dispensashun.

XIX.

A Wail of Anguish.—The Passage of the Civil Rights Bill over the Veto.

Confedrit × Roads
(wich is in the Stait uv Kentucky),
April 9, 1866.

I am a kittle full of cusses.

Under me is a burnin fire uv rage, wich is bein continyooally fed with the oil uv disappointment.

And I bile over.

The civil rites bill, wich our Moses put his foot into, we thought wuz dead.

And we fired great guns, and hung out our flags, wich we laid aside in 1860, and made a joyful noise.

For we said, one unto another, Lo! he is a true Moses, inasmuch ez he is a leadin us out uv the wilderness.

The civil rites bill wuz the serpent wat bit us, and he histed it, that we might look and live.

Now let us be joyful!

For the Ethiopian is delivered into our hands, bound hand and foot.

Blessed be Moses!

We will make him grind our corn; but he shel not eat thereof.

Blessed be Moses!

We will make him tread out our wheat; but we will muzzle his mouth.

Blessed be Moses!

He shall pick our cotton; but the hire he receiveth, he shall stick in his eye without injuring the sight thereof.

Blessed be Moses!

He shall toil in the sugar mill; but the sugar shall he not sell.

Blessed be Moses!

His sweat shall nourish our corn; but he shall eat nary ear thereof.

Blessed be Moses!

We will burn his school houses, and destroy his spelling books (for shall the nigger be our superior?), and who shall stay our hand?

The skool teachers we will tar and feather, and whar is the bloo-koted hirelins to make us afeerd?

Blessed be Moses!

We looked at the nigger, and said, Ha, ha! the last state uv that chattle is wuss nor the fust; for before, we hed his labor while he wuz strong and healthy, but hed to take care on him when he wuz sick and old; and now we kin git his labor without the care.

Blessed be Moses!

The Ablishnists cast out one devil, and garnished the room; but there wuz seven devils more stronger and hungrier, which rushed in and pre-empted the premises.

Blessed be Moses!

But our song uv joy wuz turned into a wale uv anguish.

Moses sought to hist the serpent, but the serpent histed him.

He’s on a pole, and the bitin North wind is a blowin onto him.

He can’t get up any higher, because his pole ain’t any longer; and he cant’t get down, because he ain’t no place to light onto.

He vetoed the bills, and Congress hez vetoed him; the civil rights bill they passed in a uncivil manner.

Now, bein the nigger hez rights, he is our ekal.

Our ekil is the nigger now, and onless the skool house is burned, and the spellin books destroyed, he will soon be our superior.

We wuz willin to give him the right uv bein sued; but, alas! he kin sue.

He kin be a witness agin us, and he kin set his face agin ourn.

Our wise men may make laws to keep him in his normal speer, but uv wat avail is they?

We kin buy and sell him no more, neither he nor his children.

The men will cleave unto their wives, and the wives unto their husbands, and our hand is powerlis to separate em.

Their children kin we no more put up at auction, and sell to the highest bidder, we pocketing joyfully the price thereof.

They hev become sassy and impudent, and say, “Go to; are we not men?”

I bade one git orf the sidewalk, and he bade me be damned.

I chucked a nearly white one under the chin, and smiled onto her, and she squawked; and her husband, hearin the squawk thereof, came up and bustid my head, even as a white man wood hev dun.

I chastised wun who gave me lip; and he sood me, a Caucashun, for assault and battery, and got a judgment!

Wale! for Moses put out his hand to save us these indignities, but his hand wuz too weak.

We killed Linkin in vain.

Our Moses is playin Jaxon. He fancieth he resembleth him, becoz his inishals is the same.

He resembleth Jaxon muchly—in that Jaxon hed a policy wich he cood carry out, while our Moses hez a policy wich he can’t carry out.

And ez he can’t carry out his policy, the people are carryin it out for him.

Wich they do, a holdin it at arm’s length, and holdin their noses.

Moses is a cake half baked; he is hot on one side, and cold on tother.

He darsn’t let go uv Ablishnism, and is afeerd to come to us.

He hez been takin epsom salts and epecac; and one is workin up, and the other is workin down.

Where kin we look for comfort?

Do we turn to the people? Connecticut answers, “’Ror for Hawley!” and Noo Hampshier goes Ablishun.

Do we turn to the courts? Lo! Taney hez gone to his reward—him who aforetime dealt out Dimekratic justice, and who understood the nacher uv the nigger,—and Chase, who is pizen, reigns in his stead.

Raymond is growin weak in the knees, and Doolittle is a broken reed on which to lean.

We are too short at both ends.

Shall we go to Brazil? Lo! there they put niggers in office.

Mexico holds out her hands to us; but, lo! the nigger is considered a man.

We hev no escape from the Etheopian; he is around us, and about us, and on top uv us.

I see no post orfis in the distance, no hope for the future.

Hed I been a Ablishunist, so ez to make the thing safe in the next world, I shood be glad to die, and quit this.

For my sole is pregnant with grief; my hart bugs out with woe.

Petroleum V. Nasby,
Lait Paster uv the Church uv the Noo Dispensashun.

XX.

Mournful View of the Situation.

Confedrit × Roads
(wich is in the Stait uv Kentucky),
April 26, 1866.

The work uv death is a goin on. The sakred precepts uv the Holy Skripters is bein daily violated by an insane majority, who hev substitooted their own noshens for the safe and pleasant revelashens uv Holy Writ, and the practices of their fathers.

Cood Noah, when he cussed Ham, and declared that he shood be a servant unto his brethren, hev foreseen how his cuss wood hev bin disregarded in these degenerate days, he wood, I boldly assert (and I make the assertion from wat I know uv the character uv that eminent navigator), hev kep sober, and not cusst Ham at all. For wat’s the yoose uv sich a cuss ef it’s to be removed jist when you want it to stick? Hed it bin taken off afore cotton wuz profitable, and afore the Southern people hed learned to depend onto their labor, it wouldent hev bin so bad, and they cood hev endoored it without murmurin. But, alars! not only is the South in a state of abject cussitood, but the Northern Dimocrasy is likewise.

The case stood thuswise: The South depended on the Nigger; and the Northern politicians, like me, depended on the South. The nigger wuz the foundashun upon wich the entire structur rested; and now that he’s knocked out, it falls.

I wuz in Washington the other day, and wuz a unwillin witnis uv a scene wich filled me with unutterable disgust. The niggers wuz a celebratin suthin connected with their onnatural removal from their normal condishun, and wuz a paradin the streets with bands uv music, and with banners and inscriptions. They hed the impudence to dress up in good clothes,—clothes wich I cood not afford to wear,—and three uv the impudent cusses hed the ashoorance to go so far in their imitation of human beins ez to make speeches; and to my horrer, the mass uv em hed ben so well trained by somebody that they actily cheered, and ez near ez I cood make out got in the applause at the right place, and all without the assistance uv a indivijjle to commence applaudin at the right time, wich we hev generally found nessary at Dimmekratic meetins.

Their inscripshuns wuz insultin. They hed em all spelt rite, and; they wuz full uv aloosions to ekal rites, and onqualifyed suffrage, and sich, planely showin that the poor, misguided critters hed no idee that they wuz loaded down with a cuss, and that becoz uv that cuss they hed no rites watever.

In Richmond I saw other evidences uv the terrible breakin down uv the barriers wich Noah set up atween the races. I wuz sittin in a hoss car, when a nigger hed the onparalleled asshoorence to enter and set down. I remonstrated with the chattel, who laft in my face.

Thus the old landmarks is bein removed, and thus the foundations uv society is a bein broken up. I saw in Richmond fair wimmin who hed, in olden times, never known wat labor wuz, a washin dishes, and cookin their own vittles; and I saw men, who hed wunst lived luxuriously on the labor uv a hundred niggers, now drivin drays, and sellin dry goods and groceries, and sich, and my soul sunk within me. Wuz the cuss a mistake? Wuz the nigger not the race that wuz cussed? or has he becum so bleached, so lost in the white by amalgamation, that there ain’t enough uv the black left in each indivijjle for the cuss to hang to.

Andrew Johnson! in your hands rests our cause; on your ackshen depends our weal or woe! Yoo, and yoo alone, kin remedy this. Wat if a corrupt and radikle Congress does override your vetoes, and legislate for these cuss-ridden people? Yoo hev yet a power wich yoo must not hesitate to make em feel. Clear out the rump Congress; declare our Southern brethren entitled to their seats, and see that they hev em. The Dimocrisy uv the North, wich wuz latterly for peece, are now fur war. They will sustain yoo. Reverse yoor ackshen, and yoo kin attach em to yoo with hooks uv steel. There ain’t no risk in it—nary risk. Turn the Ablishnists out uv the Post Offices, and replace em with Democrats; let it be understood that yoo hev come back to your fust love, and no longer abide in the tents uv Ablishunism,—and all will be well. Talk less uv yoor policy, and put more uv it into acts. Combine Post Offices with Policy, and proclaim that only he who sustains the latter shel hev the former, and yoo kin depend on the entire Democrisy North. We are waitin anxiously. From the South comes up the cry, wich the North reëkkoes.

Will Androo Johnson, wich Ablishnists call Moses, but wich we, for obvious reasons, style the 2d Jaxon, heed that cry? or will he persist in clingin to the black idol he embraced four years ago?

Petroleum V. Nasby,
Lait Paster uv the Church uv the Noo Dispensashun.

XXI.

A Psalm of Gladness.—The Veto of the Civil Rights Bill, and other Matters, occasioning a Feeling of Thankfulness in the Minds of the Democracy.

Confedrit × Roads
(wich is in the Stait uv Kentucky)
May 1, 1866.

I am a canary, a nightengale. A lark, am I.

I raise my voice in song. I pour forth melojus notes.

I am a lamb, wich frisketh, and waggeth his tale, and leapeth, ez he nippeth the tender grass. I am a colt, wich kicketh up its heels exuberantly.

I am a bridegroom, wich cometh from his bride in the mornin feelin releeved in the knowledge that she wore not palpitators, nor false calves, nor nothin false, afore she wuz hizn.

I am a steamboat captin with a full load, a doggry keeper on a Saturday nite, a sportin man with four aces in his hand.

All these am I, and more.

For we sought to establish ourselves upon a rock, but found that the underpinnin wuz gone out uv it.

Even slavery wuz our strong place, and our hope; but the corners hed bin knocked out uv it.

The sons uv Belial hed gone forth agin it. Massachusetts hed assailed it, and the North West hed drawd its bow agin it.

Wendell Phillips hed pecked out wun stun, Garret Smith another; and the soljers hed completed what they hed begun.

And Congris, even the Rump, hed decreed its death, and hed held forth its hand to Ethiopia.

It passed a bill givin the Niggers their rites, and takin away from us our rites:

Sayin, that no more shel we sell em in the market place,

Or take their wives from em,

Or be father to their children,

Or make uv em conkebines aginst their will,

Or force em to toil without hire,

Or shoot em, ez we wuz wont to do under the old dispensashun,

Or make laws for em wich didn’t bind us as well.

And our hearts wuz sad in our buzzums; for we said, Lo! the nigger is our ekal; and we mourned ez them hevin no hope.

But the President, even Androo, the choice uv Booth, said, Nay.

And the bill wuz vetoed, and is no law; and our hearts is made glad.

And from the Ohio to the Gulf shel go up the song uv gladness and the sounds uv mirth.

The nigger will we slay, for he elevated his horn agin us.

We will make one law for him and another for us, and he will sigh for the good old times when he wuz a slave in earnest.

His wife shel be our conkebine, ef she is fair to look upon; and ef he murmurs, we’ll bust his head.

His daughters shel our sons possess; and their inkrease will we sell, and live upon the price they bring.

In our fields they shel labor; but the price uv their toil shel make us fat.

Sing, O my soul!

The nigger hed become sassy and impudent, and denied that he wuz a servant unto his brethren.

He sheltered hisself behind the Freedman’s Burow, and the Civil Rites Bill, and the soldiery, and he wagged his lip at us, and made mouths at us.

And we longed to git at him, but because of these we durst not.

But now who shell succor him.

We will smite him hip and thigh, onless he consents to be normal.

Our time uv rejoicin is come.

In Kentucky, the soldiers voted,—them ez wuz clothed in gray,—and we routed the Abolishnists.

Three great capchers hev we made: New Orleens we capcherd, Kentucky we capcherd, and the President—him who aforetime strayed from us—we capcherd.

Rejoice, O my soul! for yoor good time, wich wuz so long a comin, is come.

We shel hev Post Offisis, and Collectorships, and Assessorships, and Furrin Mishns, and Route Agencies, and sich; and on the proceeds thereof will we eat, drink, and be merry.

The great rivers shel be whisky, the islands therein sugar, the streems tributary lemon joose and bitters, and the faithful shel drink.

Whisky shel be cheap; for we shel hold the offises, and kin pay; and the heart uv the barkeeper shel be glad.

The Ablishnist shel hang his hed; and we will jeer him, and flout him, and say unto him, “Go up, bald head!” and no bears shel bite us; for, lo! the President is our rock, and in him we abide.

Blessed be Booth, who give us Androo.

Blessed be the veto, wich makes the deed uv Booth uv sum account to us.

Blessed be Moses, who is a leadin us out uv the wilderness, into the Canaan flowin with milk and honey.

Petroleum V. Nasby,
Lait Paster uv the Church uv the Noo Dispensashun.

XXII.

The Reconstructed meet to Congratulate the Country upon the Result of the Memphis Outbreak.—The Reverend discourses upon the Nigger, and runs against a Snag.

Confedrit × Roads
(wich is in the Stait uv Kentucky),
May 12, 1866.

The news from Memphis filled the soles uv the Dimocrisy uv Kentucky with undilooted joy. There, at last, the Ethiopian wuz taught that to him, at least, the spellin book is a seeled volume, and that the gospel is not for him, save ez he gits it filtered through a sound, constooshnel, Dimekratic preacher. We met at the Corners last nite to jollify over the brave acts uv our Memphis frends, and I wuz the speeker. I addressed them on the subjick uv the nigger,—his wants, needs, and capacities,—a subjick, permit me to state, I flatter myself I understand.

Probably no man in the Yoonited States hez given the nigger more study, or devoted more time to a pashent investigashen uv this species uv the brute creashen, than the undersigned. I have contemplated him sittin and standin, sleepin and wakin, at labor and in idleness,—in every shape, in fact, ceptin ez a free man, wich situashen is too disgustin for a proud Caucashen to contemplate him; and when he ariz before my mind’s eye in that shape, I alluz turned shuddrin away.

I hed proceeded in my discourse with a flowin sale. It’s easy demonstratin anythin yoor awjence wants to beleeve, and wich their interest lies in. For instants, I hev notist wicked men, who wuz somewhat wedded to sin, genrally lean toward Universalism; men heavily developed in the back uv the neck are easily convinst uv the grand trooths uv free love; and them ez is too fond uv makin money to rest on the seventh day, hev serious doubts ez to whether the observance uv the Sabbath is bindin onto em. I, not likin to work at all, am a firm beleever in slavery, and wood be firmer ef I cood get start enuff to own a nigger.

I hed gone on and proved concloosively, from a comparison uv the fizzikle structer uv the Afrikin and the Caucashen, that the nigger wuz a beast, and not a human bein; and that, consekently, we hed a perfeck rite to catch him, and tame him, and yoose him ez we do other wild animals. Finishin this hed uv my discourse, I glode easily into a history uv the flood; explained how Noer got tite and cust Ham, condemnin him and his posterity to serve his brethren forever, wich I insisted give us an indubitable warranty deed to all uv em for all time.

I warmed up on this elokently. “Behold, my brethren, the beginnin uv Dimocrasy,” I sed. “Fust, the wine (which wuz the antetype of our whisky) wuz the beginnin. Wine (or whisky) wuz necessary to the foundation uv the party, and it wuz forthcomin. But the thing was not complete. It did its work on Noer, but yet there wuz a achin void. There was no Nigger in the world, and without nigger there could be no Dimocracy. Ham, my friends, wuz born a brother uv Japhet, and wuz like unto him, and, uv course, could not be a slave. Whisky wuz the instrument to bring him down; and it fetched him. Ham looked upon his father, and was cust; and the void wuz filled. There wuz Nigger and whisky, and upon them the foundashuns uv the party wuz laid, broad and deep. Methinks, my brethren, when Ham went out from the presence uv his father, black in the face ez the ace uv spades (ef I may be allowed to yoose the expression), bowin his back to the burdens Shem and Japhet piled onto him with alacrity, that Democracy, then in the womb uv the future, kicked lively, and clapped its hands. There wuz a nigger to enslave, and whisky to bring men down to the pint uv enslavin him. There wuz whisky to make men incapable uv labor; whisky to accompany horse racin, and poker playin, and sich rational amoosements, and a nigger cust especially that he mite sweat to furnish the means. Observe the fitniss uv things. Bless the Lord, my brethren, for whisky and the nigger; for, without em, there could be no Dimocrisy, and yoor beloved speaker mite hev owned a farm in Noo Jersey, and bin a votin the whig ticket to-day.”

At this pint, a venerable old freedman, who wuz a sittin quietly in the meetin, ariz, and asked ef he mite ask a question. Thinkin what a splendid opportoonity there wood be uv demonstratin the sooperiority uv the Caucashen over the Afrikin race, I answered “Yes,” gladly.

“Well, Mas’r,” sed the old imbecile, “is I a beest?”

“My venerable friend, there ain’t nary doubt uv it.”

“Is my old woman a old beastesses, too?”

“Indubitably,” replied I.

“And my children—is they little beasts and beastesses?”

“Onquestionably.”

“Den a yaller feller ain’t but a half a beast, is he?”

“My friend,” sed I, “that question is—”

“Hold on,” sed he; “wat I wanted to git at is dis: dere’s a heap uv yaller fellers in dis section, whose fadders must hev bin white men; and, ez der mudders wuz all beastesses, I want to know whedder dar ain’t no law in Kentucky agin—”

“Put him out!” “Kill the black wretch!” shouted a majority uv them who hed bin the heaviest slave owners under the good old patriarkle system, and they went for the old reprobate. At this pint, a officer uv the Freedmen’s Bureau, who we hedn’t observed, riz, and, bustin with laughter, remarked that his venerable friend shood have a chance to be heerd. We respeck that Burow, partikelerly ez the officers generally hev a hundred or two bayonets within reech, and, chokin our wrath, permitted ourselves to be further insulted by the cussed nigger, who, grinnin from ear to ear, riz and perceeded.

“My white friends,” sed he, “dar pears to be an objection to my reference to de subjeck uv dis mixin with beasts, so I won’t press de matter. But I ask yoo, did Noer hev three sons?”

“He did,” sed I.

“Berry good. Wuz dey all brudders?”

“Uv course.”

“Ham come from the same fadder and mudder as the odder two?”

“C-e-r-t-i-n-l-y.”

“Well, den, it seems to me—not fully understandin the skripters—dat if we is beasts and beastesses, dat you is beasts and beastesses also, and dat, after all, we is brudders.” And the disgustin old wretch threw his arms around my neck, and kissed me, callin me his “long lost brudder.”

The officer uv the Freedmen’s Bureau laft vosiferously, and so did a dozen or two soljers in the crowd likewise; and the awjence slunk out without adjournin the meetin, one uv em remarkin, audibly, that he had notised one thing, that Dimocrisy wuz extremely weak whenever it undertook to defend itself with fax or revelashun. For his part, he’d done with argyment. He wanted niggers, because he cood wallop em, and make em do his work without payin em, wich he coodent do with white men.

I left the meetin house convinst that the South, who worked the niggers, leavin us Northern Dimokrats to defend the system, hed the best end uv the bargain.

Petroleum V. Nasby,
Lait Paster uv the Church of the Noo Dispensashun.

XXIII.

The Workings of the Freedmen’s Bureau.—A Report.

Confedrit × Roads
(wich is in the Stait uv Kentucky).
May 27, 1866.