LETTER XXXV.
While I was, in the manner I have already mentioned, endeavouring to pass away the time as cheerfully as possible, till a caravan was formed, or Company’s dispatches were coming over land, of which I might avail myself; I found my situation in the house of Mr. ——- growing extremely critical. That gentleman, of whose good sense, and truly excellent disposition, I had too manifold proofs to call them in question, had, though fallen into the vale of years, married his Lady at a very tender age. She was then young, beautiful, full of sensibility, and gifted with such natural endowments both of mind and person, accompanied with all those accomplishments which helped to dress them to advantage, that she might well be acquitted of vanity, even though fancy suggested to her she was fit to grace and confer happiness on a younger bed; while reflection on the obvious disparity of the match (which the cool temper of satiety possibly suggested to him) might perhaps have alarmed his mind to circumstances of probable danger, that, before wedlock, were all hid behind the deceptive veil of passion. Whether these were the private sentiments that influenced both or either of them, I cannot presume to determine, though I think it probable: for I was not long in the house till I plainly perceived they were on a very bad footing with each other, and in short that disagreement was become habitual to them. At first, that is to say, for a few days after my becoming an inmate of their house, decency enforced concealment, and the ebullitions of peevishness were stifled by the dictates of prudence: but the animosities of the connubial state are those which of all others are the most impatient under controul; and as time, by producing familiarity, relaxed restraint, the pent-up passions began to force their way, and open bikering, took place in my presence.
It is but barely doing justice to myself to say, that I felt the most poignant concern at seeing a couple, each so perfectly amiable in all other respects, blasting the hours that should be given to harmony and love, in jarring, reproach, and recrimination; and I would have given all I was worth that I had never had occasion to esteem them so much, or that I could give them that peace which seemed to have flown them for ever. Fain would I cast a veil over the whole transaction; fain would I bury it, even from myself, in oblivion: but it has been made by my enemies the subject of triumphant slander; and to do justice to myself, and disclaim the extent of guilt which they would impute to me, I am reluctantly obliged to avow the share I had, and declare how the matter really stood. I must speak the truth, and hope you will not conceive that I designedly lean too heavily upon any one, to ease myself of my share of the load.
Whatever domestic uneasiness may subsist between a married pair, the man, if prudent, will endeavour to conceal it; and the woman, if truly virtuous, will take care to do so: should great disparity of age (as in the present instance) be the case, the Lady is more particularly bound to conceal any uneasiness, lest it should be attributed to that cause which people are in such cases too prone to suspect, dislike to her husband; and before young men, above all, she should be most exemplary, as she must well know that their natural vanity, combined with the leading idea of her aversion and infidelity to her husband, suggest ideas to them from whence their warm imaginations draw inferences of a nature too pleasing to be parted with, and too probable not to be put in practice, or at least attempted. Here then a woman at once lays herself fairly open to the assaults of illicit love. I think it will not be denied, that the woman who promulgates the disagreements between her and her husband, particularly if she suffers a young man to be privy to it, is either extremely ignorant, or intentionally vicious, or both.
That the Lady I allude to may in some respect be acquitted of this imputation, I must tell you, that she was only eighteen years of age; her tender, inexperienced mind had not yet arrived to that maturity which gives sound judgment; and though of good natural talents, highly cultivated (for she spoke fluently English, French, Italian, Arabic, Persian, and the Greek and Turkish languages), she yet was simple, innocent, uninformed in the ways of the world, and incapable of reasoning from causes up to consequences. But unfortunately that simplicity is attended with as much mischief, though not guilt, as the wilful misconduct of the more experienced; it has the same baleful effects with the hearers, inspires the same confidence, emboldens with the same hopes, and leads to the same pernicious practices.
I have already mentioned, and will now remind you, that I was then young. Perhaps it was owing to a congeniality pointed out by our age, perhaps to a compassionate politeness amounting to tenderness, which I always disclosed on those unhappy occasions, joined perhaps to the ardent look of youth kindled by the imaginations to which this imprudent conduct insensibly gave birth, that the Lady thought proper to take the very hazardous step of making a confidant of a young man and a soldier—and revealing to me the whole tale of her grievances, with a pathetic eloquence, that would have made an impression upon a much less susceptible heart than mine. I declare it most solemnly, that though this extraordinary mark of confidence and esteem communicated to my heart strong sensations of unjustifiable pleasure; I so far got the better of myself at first, as to receive the whole with the same appearance of tranquillity, as if I had been only a confidential female friend. I pitied, it is true;—I expressed my pity;—I advised, not treacherously but faithfully;—I said such things as occurred to me to be most likely to assuage and extinguish the flame of discord, and lead to an amicable adjustment; and I parted for that time with her to go to a self-approving pillow, where, while my fancy was inflamed and tickled by the flattering mark of regard shewn me by so all-accomplished a person, I had the soothing delightful consciousness of having, as far as I was able, done my duty, and escaped the corroding reflection of having violated the rights of hospitality.
Not an opportunity however afterwards offered, that the same unhappy point was not the subject of discussion, and unfortunately those opportunities but too frequently occurred; till at length we began to feel that they were the sweetest minutes of our lives, and were sought for with industrious avidity by both of us. No human resolution was sufficient to withstand such an unlucky concurrence of circumstances: from lamenting the grievances, we wished to remove them, from wishing we proceeded to consider the means, and when we had got that length, the flight was not far to the extreme end—the execution of it. My passions hurried me before them, my expressions grew gradually more and more unguarded, our conversation became more interesting and warm; and though I felt and struggled to be guided by the strict principles of honour, and formed a thousand resolutions not to transgress the laws of hospitality, by injuring the man who had treated me with such kindness, the struggle became too severe for me—the desire of pleasing a lovely woman, who had reposed such unbounded confidence in me, and who seemed to expect and require of me to alleviate her misery, at length bore down all the oppositions suggested by reason and principle, and I agreed to become the instrument of her removal from this unhappy situation. We fell—but not intirely. There is one length to which no earthly consideration—no allurement however dazzling could tempt me—it is now the most cordial consolation to my mind; I never suffered myself to think of trespassing on the decorum of his house, nor did we in any single instance carry our intercourse to a direct violation of his bed. Though the transports of youthful passion hurried us into conversations and reflections on the subject of her determination to be separated from her husband, yet that passion was of too delicate a kind to sink into the brutal sordid indulgence of dishonourable stolen embraces. She wished for that separation, rather as a subterfuge from incessant diurnal misery, than as a prelude to any vicious or illicit enjoyment; and we looked with pleasure to the event, but we looked no further.
It is thus that, in the down-hill path of vice, we are hurried on step by step, fondly imagining that each successive object, which bounds our sight, will stop our headlong career; while alas! every step we advance gives additional rapidity to our descent: like the centripetal force of a projectile, our pace increases with uniformly accelerated motion—till disdaining all controul, and breaking down every impediment that reason, morality, or honour throw in the way to rescue us or retard our ruin, we precipitate unexpectedly into the last gulph of vice and infamy.
Fortunately, however, an accident intervened in the present case, which arrested our progress down this hideous descent, and reserved us both I hope to conviction of our folly, and repentance of our error. And I have the consolation to reflect, that out of such a host of dangers and temptations as I was beset with, I have escaped without the actual perpetration of a deed, which would, had it happened, in all probability have embittered my life.
While we hugged ourselves in the security and secrecy of expressing our genuine sentiments, her husband discovered our wishes, and all at once took the necessary measures for preventing them. So that, overwhelmed with grief and shame, I directly formed the resolution to leave Aleppo, and proceed in the best manner I could on my destination.
Thus you see, my dear Frederick, was your father, by failing to resist the first impressions of an unlawful and dishonourable passion, insensibly led to the very brink of a precipice, the bare remembrance of which now makes him shudder with horror. The story, by means unnecessary for me to mention, took wind. The folly of some, the malice of others, and the unaccountable propensity to falsehood of more, trumpeted it about with many exaggerations to my injury, and I was held up as the deliberate seducer of innocence: but the whole transaction is exactly as I have stated it; and the disagreements previous to my arrival at Aleppo, which, in telling the story, they purposely left out, were of such public notoriety, that every European, even the Consul himself, was fully acquainted with them. This is the consequence of a deviation from the strict rule of right. Treasure it up in your mind, my child, never to be forgotten; and let it operate as a caution to you, how you entangle yourself in the snares of women: recollect that my escape was singularly fortunate, and the mere effect of accident; and flatter not yourself, that because accident served in one case, it will in another. Providence has, for the wisest of purposes, implanted in our nature a fondness for the fair sex; and so long as it is used prudently and virtuously, it constitutes the first happiness of life; but if on the contrary, it stimulates us to excess, impels to injure our fellow-creature, or break in upon the repose of a family; it is our reproach, our shame, our curse, and very frequently our utter and irremediable ruin; add to this, that there is in the general character of women, a capriciousness, a levity, and a vanity, under the influence of which they sport with men, only to display their power, and evince the force of their charms, which makes the cultivation of their good graces in any way hazardous. To adopt the idea of an old epigram—“There is no living with them, nor without them.”
As your happiness, my dear boy, is the first object of my life, my efforts shall be turned to the guiding of your greener years from any premature impressions; and when reason and matured age fit you for the cultivation and enjoyment of female society, be it mine to direct your steps away from that class, who think rank a sufficient sanction for vice, who stare in all the bronze of aristocratic assurance, under a load of obloquy, beneath which the poorest peasant’s wife would sink; who think that wealth and rank confer a right to commit excesses that would degrade the meanest of the canaille; and felicitate themselves with the reflection, that, under the protection of family or an infamous husband, they may indulge in enormities, for which the lowest of their sex are beating hemp in Bridewell.