7
Then nothing matters. Just one little short life....
“A few more years shall roll ...
A few more seasons pass....”
There was a better one than that ... not so organ-grindery.
“Swift to its close ebbs out life’s little day;
Earth’s joys grow dim, its glories fade away;
Change and decay in all around I see.”
Wow-wow-wow-whiney-caterwauley....
Mr. Brough quoted Milton in a sermon and said he was a materialist.... Pater said it was a bold thing to say.... Mr. Brough was a clear-headed man. She couldn’t imagine how he stayed in the Church.... She hoped he hated that sickening, sickening, idiot humbug, Eve ... meek ... with silly long hair ... “divinely smiling” ... Adam was like a German ... English too.... Impudent bombastic creature ... a sort of man who would call his wife “my dear.” There was a hymn that even Pater liked ... the tune was like a garden in the autumn....
O ... Strengthen and Stay—up— ... Holding—all
Cre—ay—ay—tion.... Who ... ever Dost
Thy ... self—un ... Moved—a—Bide....
Thyself unmoved abide ... Thyself unmoved
abide ... Unmoved abide....
Unmoved abide.... Unmoved Abide ...
... Flights of shining steps, shallow and very wide—going up and up and growing fainter and fainter, and far away at the top a faint old face with great rays shooting out all round it ... the picture in the large “Pilgrim’s Progress.” ... God in heaven.... I belong to Apollyon ... a horror with expressionless eyes ... darting out little spiky flames ... if only it would come now ... instead of waiting until the end....
She clasped her hands closely one in the other. They felt large and strong. She stopped her thoughts and stared for a long while at the faint light in the room.... “It’s physically impossible” someone had said ... the only hell thinkable is remorse ... remorse....
Sighing impatiently she turned about ... and sighed again, breathing deeply and rattling and feeling very hungry.... There will be breakfast, even for me.... If they knew me they would not give me breakfast.... No one would ... I should be in a little room and one after another would come and be reproachful and shocked ... and then they would go away and be happy and forget....
Sarah would come. Whatever it was, Sarah would come. She read the Bible and marked pieces.... But she would rush in without saying anything, with a red face and bang down a plate of melon.... What did God do about people like Sarah? Perhaps Apollyon could be made to come at once—sweeping in like a large bat—be torn to bits—those men at that college said he had come to them. They swore—one after the other and the devil came in through one of the carved windows and carried one of them away.... I have my doubts ... Pater’s face laughing—I have my doubts, ooof—P-ooof. She flung off the outer covering and felt the strong movements of her limbs. Hang! Hang! Hang! Damn....
If there’s no God, there’s no Devil ... and everything goes on.... Fräulein goes on having her school.... What does she really think?... Out in the world people don’t think.... They grimace.... Is there anywhere where there are no people? ... be a gipsy.... There are always people....