PART II.
George happened one time to be in company with a bishop, and so they fell to dispute anent education, and he blanked the bishop remarkably, and the bishop himself owned he was worsted.—Then one of the company addressed himself to him in these words: thou, Scot, said he, should not have left thy country. For what? says he, because thou has carried all the wisdom that is in it thither with thee. No, no, says he, the shepherds in Scotland will dispute with any bishop in London, and exceed them very far in education. The bishops then took this as an affront, and several noblemen affirmed it to be as the Scot had said: bets were laid on each side, and three of the bishops were chosen, and sent away to Scotland to dispute it with the shepherds, accompanied with several others, who were to bear witness of what they should hear pass between them. Now, George knowing which way they went, immediately took another road and was in Scotland before them. He then made an acquaintance with a shepherd on the border whose pasture lay on the wayside where the bishops were to pass: and there he mounted himself in shepherd’s dress: and when he saw the bishops appear, he conveyed his flock to the roadside, and fell a chanting at a Latin ballad. When the bishops came up to George, one of them asked him in French what o’clock it was? To which he answered in Hebrew, it is directly about the time of the day it was yesterday at this time. Another asked him, in Greek, what countryman he was? To which he answered in Flemish, if ye knew that, you would be as wise as myself. A third asked him, in Dutch, where was you educated? To which he answered, in Earse, herding my sheep between this and Lochaber. This they desired him to explain into English, which he immediately did. Now, said they one to another, we need not proceed any farther. What, says George, are you butchers? I’ll sell you a few sheep. To this they made no answer, but went away shamefully, and said, they believed the Scots had been through all the nations in the world for their education, or the devil had taught them. Now, when George had ended this dispute with the bishops, he stripped off his shepherd’s dress, and up through England he goes, with all the haste imaginable, so that he arrived at the place from whence they set out, three days before the judges, and went every day asking if they were come, so that he might not be suspected. As soon as they arrived, all that were concerned in the dispute, and many more, came crowding in, to hear what news from the Scottish shepherds, and to know what was done. No sooner had the three gentlemen declared what had past between the bishops and the shepherds, whom they found on the Scots border, but the old bishop made answer, and think you, said he, that a shepherd could answer these questions? It has been none else but the devil; for the Scots ministers themselves could not do it; they are but ignorant of such matters, a parcel of beardless boys. Then George thought it was time to take speech in hand. Well, my lord bishop, says George, you call them a parcel of ignorant beardless boys. You have a great long beard yourself, my lord bishop, and if grace were measured by beards, you bishops and the goats would have it all, and that will be quite averse to Scripture. What, says the bishop, are you a Scot? Yes, says George, I am a Scot. Well, says the bishop, and what is the difference between a Scot and a sot? Nothing at present, says George, but the breadth of the table, there being a table betwixt the bishop and George. So the bishop went off in a high passion, while the whole multitude were like to split their jaws with laughter.
2. About this time there was an act of parliament for the benefit of murderers, that any person, who committed murder, if they forfeited five hundred marks, which went under the name of Kinboot, because, so much of this went to the murdered person’s nearest relations, as the price of blood, the murderer got a remit. Now George knowing this to be contrary to Moses’ laws, was very much grieved to see so many pardons sealed by the king’s hand for murder, almost one every week; it being so usual for the king to subscribe them, that he would not read them, nor enquire what they were; for which cause, George writes a writ to the crown, and sent it to the king to be subscribed, which he actually did, and never looked what it was, returned it to George. No sooner had he received it, but he goes to the king and told him it was not time for him to be sitting there, whereat, the king greatly amazed, started up; then George in great haste, sets himself down in the king’s chair, forthwith declaring himself king, saying, you who was king must be my fool, for I am now the wisest man. The king at this was greatly offended, until George shewed him his seal and superscription. But from that day forth the king knew what he subscribed.
3. The next pardon that came to be sealed by the king, was a gentleman who had killed two men before, and had got pardons for them by money. This being the third, the king was very silent in looking over the petition: George standing by, asked the king what he was going to seal now? To which he answered, it is a remit for a man who has killed three men at sundry times, I gave him two remits before. O! says George; he has killed but one man. And who killed the other two says the king. You did, says George, for if you had given him justice when he had killed the first, he had killed no more. When the king heard these words he threw down the pen, and declared that such an act to save a murderer, should be null ever after by him.
4. One day, George having no money, he goes away and gets a pick and a spade, and then falls a digging at a corner of the king’s palace; which the king perceiving from his window, calls what he was wanting there? Are you going to undermine my house, and make it fall? No, my sovereign, says George, but it is verily reported that there is plenty of money about this house, and where can it be? says George, I cannot find it, for it is not within the house to do me service, then surely it must be below it. O George! says the king, that is a crave after the new fashion, what money you want I’ll order for you. Then, my sovereign, says George, I’ll dig no more.
5. One time George being in the country, he came to an inn, where he alighted to refresh himself and his horse. The innkeeper charged him double price for every thing he called for.—George never grumbled at this, but gave him all demands, and away he goes on his journey. At the inn where he quartered the following night he was used after the same manner, if not worse. Having little farther to go, he returned next day, and came that night to the inn where he refreshed himself the day before. So, when he alighted, the boy asked him what he would give his horse? What you will, said he. When he had gone to his room, the waiter enquired what he would have to drink? What you will, says he. The master of the inn came into his room before supper, and enquired what he would have for supper? What you will landlord, says he. After supper, and a hearty bowl to put all over, he went to bed. On the morrow, he rose very early, and called for the boy to make ready his horse in all haste, for he was designed to mount and go directly. Soon after, he went into the stable where the boy was, calling for his horse, when he mounted with all the speed he could, and gave the boy a piece of money, saying, here my boy, this is for taking care of my horse; I have paid for all I have ordered in the house, and off he goes. About mid-day he alighted again at an inn to refresh himself and his horse, and there he chanced to be in company with his other landlord where he was the night before, and charged him with the double reckoning: so he addressed himself to him in the following manner.—Sir, says he, I do believe I was in your house yesternight; O yes Sir, says he, I mind of you pretty well. And where was you last night? Last night, says George, I was in one of the finest inns, and the civilest landlord I ever had in my life: they brought all things that I stood in need of unto me, without calling for them; and when I came off this morning, they charged me nothing, and I paid nothing but sixpence to the boy for dressing my horse.—Blood and wounds! said the old fellow, then I’ll go there this night. Ay, says George, do; and mind this, when they ask you what you will have for yourself and your horse, answer nothing but What you will, Sir. George smiling within himself, to think how he had got the one extortioner to take amends of the other. So this innkeeper set off on his journey, and rode so late that night that he might reach the cheap inn, that most of the people were gone to bed before he arrived. As soon as he dismounted from his horse, the boy enquired at him, What shall I give your horse, master? To which he answered, What you will, boy. The boy hearing this, runs away, (leaving him and his horse to stand at the door,) up stairs to his master’s room, crying, master, master, What-you-will is come again:—O the rogue, cries he, where is he?—I’ll cane him—I’ll what you will him by and by. Then to him he runs with his cane, licks, and kicks him until he was scarce able to mount his horse, and would give him no entertainment there, which caused him to ride the whole of a cold winter night, after he had got his bones all beat and bruised. So the one pursued the other as a murderer; and his defence was, that he was a cheat and a scorner of his house, until the truth was found out.
6. About this time, the French king sent, and demanded from the king of England, three men of different qualities. The first was to be a mighty strong man; the second a very wise man; and the third, a very great fool; so that he might have none in all France to match them. So, accordingly, there were two men chosen; the one a strong man, and the other a very wise man, but George was to act as the fool; nevertheless he was the teacher of the other two. On their way to France George asked the strong man, what will you answer the French king, when he asks if you be a strong man? Why, says he, I’ll say I am. Then, says George, he’ll possibly get a stronger man than you, who will kill you, and affront your country: what shall I say then, said the strong man?—Why, says George, tell him you are strong enough untried. Then said he to the wise man, and what will you say to the king when he asks if you are a wise man? Why, I’ll tell him I am, and answer him all the questions I know:—Very well, says George, but what if he asks you what you do not know? then you’ll affront your country, and be looked upon as a greater fool than me: well, and what shall I answer then? said the wise man. Why, says George, tell him he is only a wise man that can take care of himself: and I shall come in after you, and take care of you altogether. As soon as they arrived at the king of France’s palace, the king sent for them, to try them. The strong man was first called for, and in he went; then the king asked him if he was a strong man? to which he answered, O king! I am strong enough untried. Very well, said the king. After him the wise man was called; and the king asked him if he was a wise man? to which he answered, he is only a wise man that can take care of himself. Very well, says the king. On which, George pushed up the door, and in he went with loud laughter, and p—— directly in his Majesty’s face, which blinded both his eyes, and put the whole court in amaze. Now, now, said his Majesty, it is true enough what the wise man says, for if I had taken care of myself, I need not have been p—— upon by the English fool. O ho, says George, fools always strive to make fools of others, but wise men make fools of themselves. By this, his Majesty seemed to think he was made the greatest fool, and charged them to go home, for he wanted no more of England’s strength, wisdom, or folly.
7. One night, a Highland drover chanced to have a drinking-bout with an English captain of a ship, and at last they came to be very hearty over their cups, so that they called in their servants to have a share of their liquor. The drover’s servant looked like a wild man, going without breeches, stockings, or shoes, not so much as a bonnet on his head, with a long peeled rung in his hand. The captain asked the drover, how long it was since he catched him? He answered, it is about two years since I hauled him out of the sea with a net, and afterwards ran into the mountains, where I catched him with a pack of hounds. The captain believed it was so, but says he, I have a servant the best swimmer in the world. O but, says the drover, my servant will swim him to death. No, he will not, says the captain, I’ll lay two hundred crowns on it. Then says the drover, I’ll hold it one to one, and staked directly, the day being appointed when trial was to be made. Now the drover, when he came to himself, thinking on what a bargain he had made, did not know what to do, knowing very well that his servant could swim none. He hearing of George being in town, who was always a good friend to Scotsmen, he went unto him and told him the whole story, and that he would be entirely broke, and durst never return home to his own country, for he was sure to lose it. Then George called the drover and his man aside, and instructed them how to behave, so that they should be safe and gain too. So accordingly they met at the place appointed. The captain’s man stript directly and threw himself into the sea, taking a turn until the Highlandman was ready, for the drover took some time to put his servant in order. After he was stripped, his master took his plaid, and rolled a kebbuck of cheese, a big loaf, and a bottle of gin in it, and this he bound on his shoulders, giving him directions to tell his wife and children that he was well, and to be sure he returned with an answer against that day se’nnight. As he went into the sea, he looked back to his master, and called out to him for his claymore. And what waits he for now? says the captain’s servant. He wants his sword, says his master. His sword, says the fellow: What is he to do with a sword? Why, says his master, if he meets a whale or a monstrous beast, it is to defend his life: I know he will have to fight his way through the north seas, ere he get to Lochaber. Then cried the captain’s servant, I’ll swim none with him, if he take his sword. Ay, but says his master, you shall, or lose the wager; take you another sword with you. No, says the fellow I never did swim with a sword, nor any man else, that ever I saw or heard of, I know not but that wild man will kill me in the deep water; I would not for the whole world, venture myself with him and a sword. The captain seeing his servant afraid to venture, or if he did, he would never see him again alive; therefore he desired an agreement with the drover, who at first seemed unwilling, but the captain putting it in his will, the drover quit him for half the sum. This he came to through George’s advice.
8. George was met one day by three bishops, who paid him the following compliments; says the first, good-morrow, father Abraham; says the second, good-morrow, father Isaac; says the third, good-morrow father Jacob. To which he replied, I am neither father Abraham, father Isaac, nor father Jacob; but I am Saul, the Son of Kish, sent out to seek my father’s asses, and, lo! I have found three of them. Which answer fully convinced the bishops that they had mistaken their man.
9. A poor Scotchman dined one day at a public house in London upon eggs and not having money to pay, got credit till he should return. The man being lucky in trade, acquired vast riches; and after some years happening to pass that way, called at the house where he was owing the dinner of eggs. Having called for the innkeeper, he asked him what he had to pay for the dinner of eggs he got from him such a time? The landlord seeing him now rich, gave him a bill of several pounds; telling him, as his reason for so extravagant a charge, that these eggs had they been hatched, would have been chickens; and these laying more eggs, would have been more chickens: and so on multiplying the eggs and their product, till such time as their value amounted to the sum charged. The man refusing to comply with this demand, was charged before a judge. He then made his case known to George, his countryman, who promised to appear in the hour of cause, which he accordingly did, all in a sweat, with a great basket of boiled pease, which appearance surprised the judge, who asked him what he meant by these boiled pease? says George I am going to sow them. When will they grow? said the judge. They will grow, said George, when sodden eggs grow chickens. Which answer convinced the judge of the extravagance of the innkeeper’s demand, and the Scotsman was acquitted for twopence halfpenny.
George, one day easing himself at the corner of a hedge, was espied by an English squire who began to mock him asking him why he did not keckle like the hens? But George, whose wit was always ready, told him he was afraid to keckle, lest he would come and snatch up the egg, which rebuff made the squire walk off as mute as a fish.
George was professor of the College of St Andrews, and slipt out one day in his gown and slippers, and went on his travels through Italy, and several other foreign countries and after seven years, returned with the same dress he went off in; and entering the college, took possession of his seat there; but the professor in his room quarreling him for so doing. Ay, says George, it is a very odd thing that a man cannot take a walk out in his slippers, but another will take up his seat. And so set the other professor about his business.
Two drunken fellows one day fell a beating one another on the streets of London, which caused a great crowd of people to throng together to see what it was. A tailor being at work up in a garret, about three or four stories high, and he hearing the noise in the street, looking over the window, but could not well see them; he began to stretch himself, making a long neck, until he fell down out of the window, and alighted on an old man who was walking on the street; the poor tailor was more afraid than hurt, but the man he fell on died directly. His son caused the tailor to be apprehended, and tried for the murder of his father; the jury could not bring it in wilful murder, neither could they altogether free the tailor; the jury gave it over to the judges, and the judges to the king. The king asked George’s advice in this hard matter. Why, says George, I will give you my opinion in a minute; you must cause the tailor to stand in the street, where the old gentleman was when he was killed by the tailor, and then let the old gentleman’s son the tailor’s adversary, get up to the window from whence the tailor fell, and jump down, and so kill the tailor as he did his father. The tailor’s adversary hearing this sentence past, he would not venture to jump over the window, and so the tailor got clear off.
George went into the mint one day, when they were melting gold. One of them asked George, if he would have his hat full of gold? George readily accorded, but it burnt the bottom out of his hat, as they knew it would, and for the bout foiled George. However, George, to be up with them, bought a fine large hat, and caused a plate of copper to be put betwixt the hat and the linen; and returning next day they jestingly asked him, if he would have another hat full of gold? He said he would: They gave it red hot, and George now laughed at them in his turn; telling them, that his new hat was a good one, and stood fire better than the old one, and so carried it off honestly, and being afterwards prosecuted for to return it, he excused himself, telling the judge, that he took nothing but was given him, and therefore he was honourably acquitted, and the other heartily laughed at.
George being now far advanced in years, and being weary of the great fatigue and folly of the court fashions, a short time before his death, he had a great desire to visit his native country, and the place of his nativity. Therefore he petitioned the king for permission to do so which was granted. So he set out for Scotland, and went to the parish of Buchanan, in Dumbartonshire, where he visited all his relations and friends.—But George staying longer from court than the time allowed, the king sent him several messages to return, to which he returned no answer. At last the king sent him a letter threatening, that if he did not appear before him in the space of twenty days he would send his Lyon Heralds for him; to which George returned the following answer.
My honour’d Liege, and sovereign King,
Of your boasting great I dread nothing:
On your feud or favour I’ll fairly venture;
Or that day I’ll be where few kings enter.
And also gave him many good admonitions and directions concerning the government of his kingdom and the well being of his soul; which drew tears from the king’s eyes when he read it.