SEEING ONE DRUNK.
The late Rev. Mr.—— of D—— Aberdeenshire was fond of his friend and a bottle; he sacrificed so often and so freely to the jolly god, that the presbytery could no longer overlook such proceedings, and summoned him before them to answer for his conduct.—One of the elders, and constant companion in his social hours, was cited as a witness against him. “Well, John (says one of the presbytery to the elder) did you ever see the Rev. Mr. C—— the worse of drink?” “Weel a wyte no: I’ve mony a time seen him the better o’t, but I ne’er saw him the war o’t.” “But did you never see him drunk?” “That’s what I’ll ne’er see, for before he be half slockened, I’m aye blind fu’.”
JOHN FALKIRK’S
CARICHES,
TO WHICH IS ADDED
TAM MERRILEES;
A CAPITAL STORY.
GLASGOW;
PRINTED FOR THE BOOKSELLERS.
JOHN FALKIRK’S
CARICHES.
Question, What is the wisest behaviour of ignorant persons?
Answer, To speak of nothing but what they know, and to give their opinion of nothing but what they thoroughly understand.
Ques. What time is it when a scolding wife is at her best?
Ans. When she is fast asleep.
Q. What time is a scolding wife at the worst?
A. When she is that wicked as to tear the hair out of her head, when she cannot get at her neighbours, and through perfect spite bites her own tongue with her own teeth.—My hearty wish is, that all such wicked vipers may ever do so.
Q. What is the most effectual cure and infallible remedy, for a scolding wife?
A. The only cure is to get out of the hearing of her; but the infallible remedy is to nail her tongue to a growing tree, in the beginning of a cold winter night, and so let it stand till sun-rising next morning, then she’ll become one of the peaceablest women that ever lay by a man’s side.
Q. What time of the year is it that there are most holes open?
A. In harvest when there are stubbles.
Q. What time is a cow heaviest?
A. When the bull’s on her back.
Q. Who was the goodman’s muckle cow’s calf’s mother?
A. The muckle cow herself.
Q. What is the likeliest thing to a man on a horse?
A. A Tailor on a mare.
Q. What is the hardest dinner that ever a Tailor laid his teeth to?
A. His own goose, tho’ ever so well boiled or roasted.
Q. How many toads’ tails will it take to reach up to the moon?
A. One, if it be long enough.
Q. How many sticks gangs to the digging of a craw’s nest?
A. None, for they are all carried.
Q. How many whites will a well made pudding-prick need?
A. When well made it will need no more.
Q. Who was the father of Zebedee’s children?
A. Zebedee himself.
Q. Where did Moses go when he was full fifteen years old?
A. Into his sixteenth.
Q. How near related is your aunty’s goodbrother to you?
A. He is my father.
Q. How many holes are there in a hen’s doup?
A. Two.
Q. How prove you that?
A. There is one for the dung and another for the egg.
Q. What is the best method of catching rogues?
A. There is none so fit as a rogue himself.
Q. Where was the usefulest fair in Scotland kept?
A. At Mullgay.
Q. What sort of commodities were there?
A. Nothing but ale and wicked wives.
Q. How was it abolished?
A. Because those that went to it once would go to it no more.
Q. For what reason?
A. Because there was no money to be got for them but fair barter, wife for wife; and he who put away a wife for one fault, got another for her with two as bad.
Q. What was the reason, that in those day a man could put away his wife for pissing the bed, but not for sh——g it?
A. Because he could push it away with his foot and lie down.
Q. What is the reason now a-days, that men court, cast, marry, and re-marry so many wives, and only but one in public at last?
A. Because private marriage is become as common as smuggling, and cuckolding no more thought of than for a man to ride a mile or two upon his neighbour’s mare: men get will and wale of wives; the best portion and properest person is preferred, the first left the weak to the worst; and she whom he does not love he puts away, and lies down with whom he pleases.
Q. How will one know the bairns of our town by all others in the kingdom?
A. By their ill-breeding and bad manners.
Q. What is their ill-breeding and bad manners?
A. If you ask them a question in civility, if it were but the road to the next town, they’ll tell you to follow your nose, and if you go wrong curse the guide.
Q. Are young and old of them alike for ill breeding?
A. All the odds lies in the difference, for if you ask a child to whom he belongs, or who is his father, he’ll bid you kiss his father’s arse and then you’ll ken.
Q. What sort of creatures are kindliest when they meet?
A. None can exceed the kindness of dogs when they meet in a market.
Q. And what is collie’s conduct when there?
A. First, they kiss other’s mouths and noses, smell all about, and last of all, they are so kind as to kiss each other below the tail.
Q. What is the coldest part of a dog?
A. His nose.
Q. What is the coldest part of a man?
A. His knees.
Q. What is the coldest part of a woman?
A. Her backside.
Q. What is the reason that these three parts of men, women, and dogs are coldest?
A. Fabulous Historians, says, that there were three little holes in Noah’s Ark; and that the dog stopt his nose in one, and the man put his knee in another, and into the third and biggest hole, the woman bang’d her backside: and these parts being exposed to the cold blast, is the cause which makes them cold ever since.
Q. What remedy does the man take for to warm his cold knees?
A. He holds them towards the fire, and when in bed, draws his shirt down over them.
Q. What does the women do, to warm their cold part.
A. The married women put their backsides into their husbands’ arms:—Virgins, and those going mad for marriage, their maidenhead keeps them warm:—old matrons, and whirl’d-o’er maidens, and widows bewitched, hold their coldest parts to the fire.
Q. And what remedy does the poor dog take for his cold nose?
A. He staps it below his tail, the hotest bit in his body.
Q. What is the reason the dogs are worst on chapmen than on any other strangers?
A. It is said, the dogs have three accusations against the chapman, which has been handed down from father to son, or from one generation of dogs to another: the first is as old as Æsop, the great wit of Babylon.—The dogs having a lawsuit against the cats, they gained the plea: one of the dogs coming trudging home with the Decreet below his tail, a wicked chapman threw his ell-wan at him, and he let the Decreet fall and so lost their great privileges thereby. The second is, because in old times the chapmen used to buy dogs and kill them for their skins. The third reason is, when a chapman was quartered at a farmer’s house, that night the Dog lost his right of licking the pot.
Q. What creature resembles most a drunken Piper?
A. A Cat when she sips milk, for then she always sings, and so does a piper when he drinks good ale.
Q. What is the reason a dog runs twice round before he lies down?
A. Because he does not know the head of his bed from the foot of it.
Q. What creature resembles most a long lean, ill-looking greasy-faced lady, for pride?
A. None so much as a cat, who is continually spitting in her lufe and rubing her face, as many such ladies do the brown leather of their wrinkled chafts.
Q. Amongst what sort of creatures will you observe most of a natural law, or instinctive knowledge?
A. The Hart and the Hind meet on one certain day in the year; the Brood Goose, lays her first egg on Eastern’s Even, old stile; the Crows begin to build their nest about the first of March old stile; the Swans, observe matrimony, and if a female die, the male dare not take up with another or the rest will put him to death; all the Birds in general join in pairs and keep so; but the Dove resembles the adulterer, when the hen grows old he puts her away and takes another; the Locusts observe military order, and march in bands; the Frogs resembles gipsies and pedlers, for the young ones ride the old ones to death.
Q. Who are the merriest and heartiest people in the world?
A. The Sailors, for they’ll be singing and cursing and daming one another when the waves (their graves,) are going over their heads.
Q. Which are the disorderliest creatures in battle?
A. Cows and dogs; for they all fall on them that are neathmost.
Q. What are the vainest sort of people in the world?
A. A Barber, a Tailor, a young Soldier, and a poor dominie.
Q. What is the great cause of the barber’s vanity.
A. Because he is admitted to trim Noblemen’s chafts, thake their sculls, take Kings by the nose, and hold a razor to their very throats, which no other subject dare presume to do.
Q. What is the great cause of the Tailor’s pride?
A. His making of peoples new clothes, of which every person, young and old is proud. Then who can walk in a vainer show than a tailor carrying home a gentleman’s new clothes?
Q. What is the cause of a young soldier’s pride?
A. When he lists, he thinks he is free of his mother’s correction, the hard usage of a bad master, his liberty to curse, swear, whore, and do every thing, until he be convinced by four halberts and the drummer’s whip, that he has now got both a civil and military law above his head, and, perhaps, far worse masters than ever.
Q. What is the cause of the poor dominie’s pride?
A. As he is the teacher of the young and ignorant, he supposes no man knows what he knows; and because boys call him master, therefore he thinks himself a great man.
Q. What song is it that is sung without a tongue, and yet its notes are understood by people of all nations?
A. It is a fart every one knows the sound of.
Q. What is the reason that young people are vain, giddy-headed and airy, and not so obedient as the children of former years?
A. Because they are brought up and educated after a more haughty strain, by reading fables, plays, novels, and romances; gospel books, such as the Psalm-book, Proverbs, and Catechisms, are like old almanacks; there is nothing in vogue but fiddle, flute, Troy and Babylonish tunes; our plain English speech is corrupted with beauish cants, such as dont, wont, nen, and ken; a jargon worse than the Yorkshire dialect or the Hottentot gibberish.
Q. Why is swearing become so common among Scotch people?
A. Because so many lofty teachers came from the south amongst us, where swearing is practised in its true grammatical perfection! Hot oaths, new struck, hath as bright a lustre as a new quarter guinea just come from the mint.
Q. How will you know the bones of a mason’s mare at the back of a dyke, amongst the bones of a hundred dead horses lying in the same place?
A. Because it is made of wood.
Q. What are the two things not to be spared, but not to be abused?
A. A soldier’s coat and a hired horse.
Q. How is a man in debt like a nobleman?
A. Because he has many to wait on and call for him.
Q. How is swearing like a shabby coat?
A. Because it is a bad habit.
Q. How is a bad pen like a wicked and profligate man?
A. Because it wants mending.
Q. Why is a church bell like a story that is handed about?
A. Because it is often toll’d.
Q. What is a man like that is in the midst of a river and cannot swim?
A. He is like to be drowned.
Q. Why is a drawn tooth like a thing that is forgot?
A. Because it is out of one’s head.
Q. Why is a book like a tree?
A. Because it is full of leaves.
Q. Why is a good sermon like a plump pudding?
A. Because there is reasons in it.
Q. How is a whorish woman like a charitable person?
A. Because she brings her husband to a piece of bread.
Q. How is a lawyer like a contentious woman?
A. Because he breeds wrangling and jangling.
Q. Who is the greatest fool in the world?
A. A whore; for she hazards soul and body for a miserable livelihood.
Q. Who are the two greatest thieves in Great Britain?
A. Tea and Tobacco, for they pick the pockets of the whole nation.
Q. What is the difference between Ale-drapers and Linen-drapers?
A. Only this, the one cheats you with froth and the other with cloth.
Q. If Extortioners cannot enter the Kingdom of Heaven, where will Usurers, Tallymen, and Pawn-brokers go?
A. The same road with Extortioners.
Q. What is the consequence of immoderate gaming?
A. By cards and dice, a man is ruin’d in a trice, for gaming and whoring often hang together.
Q. What employments are likest to one another?
A. Soldiers and Butchers are bloody near relations, for they both live by slaughtering and killing.
Q. What are the two hardest things to be found, and yet they are both good in their kind?
A. Good women, and good small beer.
Q. Who is the likest to a Boatman?
A. An hypocrite, who always looks one way and rows another, in all his transactions.
Q. What are the five greatest rarities to be found in the world?
A. A black Swan, a Phœnix, an Unicorn, the Philosophers’ Stone, and a maiden at sixteen.
Q. What is the greatest folly that sensible people can be guilty of?
A. To go to law about trifles, for whatever way the plea end, the lawyers will be the greatest gainers.
Q. Who has the honestest trade in the world?
A. Ballad-singers; for they always deal with ready-money: and it is as ancient as the Siege of Troy, for Homer was a ballad-singer.
Q. What is the surest method for one to become both rich and respectable?
A. To be sober and industrious.
Q. What is the best method of overcoming the argument of a positive person?
A. Either to say with him, or give him no answer.
Q. What is the wisest course to be followed by a man who has a brawling and scolding wife?
A. To keep silent, and then she’ll bite her own fingers with anger.
Q. What thing is that which is lengthened by being cut at both ends?
A. A Ditch.
Q. What is that which was born without a soul, lived and had a soul, yet died without a soul.
A. The whale that swallowed Jona.
Q. What is the longest and the shortest thing in the world? the swiftest and the slowest? the most indivisible and the most extended? the least valued and the most regretted? without which nothing can be done? which devours all that is small, yet gives life and spirit to all that is great?
A. Time.
Q. What creatures are those which appear closely connected, yet upon examination are found to be three distinct bodies, with eight legs, five on one side, and three on the other; three mouths, two straight forwards, and the third on one side; six eyes, four on one side, two on the other; six ears, four on one side, and two on the other?
A. A Man and Woman on horseback.
Q. Why is a churchyard like an inn?
A. Because it receives weary travellers.
Q. Why is a carrotty lady like a troop of soldiers.
A. Because she bears fire-locks.
Q. What did Adam first set in the garden of Eden?
A. His foot.
Q. How is it that a clergyman’s horse is like a King?
A. Because he is guided by a minister.
Q. What is the difference between a boiled sheep’s, head and a sheep’s head boiled?
A. In the first the sheep is boiled and in the last the head is boiled.
Q. What kind of snuff is that, the more that is taken the fuller the box is?
A. It is the snuff off the candle.
Q. What relation is that child to its own father who is not its father’s own son?
A. Surely his daughter.
Q. What is that which is often brought to table, always cut, but never eaten?
A. A pack of cards.
Q. Where was Peter when his candle went out?
A. He was in the dark.
Q. What relation is your uncle’s brother to you who is not your uncle?
A. He must be your father.
Q. What difference is there between twice five and twenty and twice twenty five?
A. The former is 30, the later is 50.
Q. Why is a brewer’s horse like a tap-ster?
A. Because they draw drafts of drink.
END OF THE CARICHES.
THE
STRANGE ADVENTURES
OF
TAM MERRILEES
A True Story.
Some years ago there dwelt in the “south side” of the gude town of Edinburgh a wight of the name of Tam Merrilees, who, saving that he occasionally took rather more of “strong waters” than he could walk steadily under, generally got the name of an honest, industrious, hard-working man. It happened one evening that Tam, in going home, met with an old crony of his, who vehemently pressed him to adjourn to a favourite haunt of their’s to wit a well frequented taproom in the neighbourhood. As Tam had an unfortunate weakness of never being able to withstand the pressing solicitations of a friend “to tak a gill wi him,” he was in the present instance constrained to accept Jock Thomson’s invitation, more especially as Jock declared that “he would stand the damage himsel”. Whether they exceeded the original stipulation of “just one gill” or Tam had been previously refreshing himself I cannot say, certain it was, that when the friends parted, Tam found it extremely difficult to walk in a straight line.
It was considerable past the witching hour of night that Tam Merrilees proceeded towards his house, rather a little in dread of a curtain lecture. The night was dark; and the wind blowing hard in his teeth, added to his unsteadiness, caused him several times to reel against the sides of the houses, as he passed the Chapel of Ease. One of these unlucky staggers brought his shoulder to bear full against the door which led into the kirk-yard. To Tam’s great astonishment it flew open; and having lost his equilibrium, he made a sort of semicircular movement, and found himself standing in the midst of tombs and headstones. “Hech,” said he, “the door open at this hour o’ the night! that’s extraordinar’—its incomprehensible. What in a’ the warld’s that?” continued he, perceiving something at his feet. Upon stooping down he discovered that the object of which had arrested his attention was a wheelbarrow, having upon it a dead body, thurst neck and heels into a sack. Tam lifted up his hands in amazement, and stepping forward perceived at the other end of the ground some men engaged in filling up the grave from which the corps had been taken. “Resurrectioners, as I’m a living man!” he exclamed. “Wha wad hae thought it?—but I’ll gi’e the devils such a fright as they never got the like o’t.” The whiskey had undoubtedly raised his courage to the highest pitch; for, untying the sack, he drew the body from it and carrying it on his back to the opposite side of the church-yard, he reared it upright against the wall. He then returned to the barrow, and having placed the sack upon it, he crept in and disposed himself in the same manner as he found the body.
He had scarcely laid down when the men approached.—They spoke a few words sufficient for him to discover that one of the party was the sexton himself. The barrow was wheeled off, and he heard the gate locked immediately. As the wheelbarrow rattled over the rough causeway, Tam’s stomach began to feel rather queer—he nevertheless resolved to lie quiet until they should stop. After a short time, however, he became aware that, if his jolting was not put an end to, his stomach would be speedily emptied of the contents.—In short, he found it almost impossible any longer to refrain from vomiting. He had therefore no alternative but to raise himself up in the vehicle; and accordingly, he suddenly started up, and stretching out his arms with great violence soon disencumbered the upper part of his body from the sack in which he had been inveloped. The consternation of the body-lifters may be imagined. The one who was wheeling the barrow suddenly let go his hold, by which means it upset, and both taking to their heels, they ran as if the evil one himself had been in chase of them. By the upsetting of the barrow, Tam Merrilees was rolled upon the ground: however, having managed to get entirely free from the sack; and regain his legs, he found himself at the end of the Cross causeway, near St. Leonard’s. He scratched his head, and taking a snuff, began to consider how he was to dispose of the barrow. “It is no sic a bad wheelbarrow,” said he; “I’ll just tak it hame wi’ me;” so throwing into it the sack, he made the best of his way home, feeling a good deal soberer for his adventure.—On his arrival at home he deposited the barrow in a small yard at the back of the house; and without facing his expectant spouse, he proceeded straightway to the dwelling of Maister Peter Mitchell, an old acquaintance, and moreover an elder of the kirk. On his road thither he indulged in no very gentle denunciations against the sexton. “A fine fellow to trust folks’ bodies wi’! I’se warrant all the corpses that’s been buried thonder for the last twalvemonth hae gaen the same gate as that yin wad if I had na’ prevented it. It’s an awfu’ thing that folk canna get leave to rest in their graves now-a-daye for thae doctors.” Tam’s reflections were interrupted by his arrival at the elder’s house; the inmates were all gone to bed, with the exception of the elder himself, who was doubtless rather surprised at so late, or rather early, a visit from his friend Tam Merrilees. (It was, now between one and two of the morning.) ‘Mr. Merrilees!’ exclaimed he, ‘what was brought you here at this time of the night? Nothing serious, I hope.’ ‘Serious enough,’ muttered Tam. ‘I’m just come, Maister Mitchell, ye see, about an unco queer kind o’ a circumstance.’ Aye, Mr. Merrilees, what is it? Sit down and lets hear it.’ ‘I’ll just speer at ye a sma’ question first,’ answered Tam.—‘What kind o’ a body is that grave-digger o’ yours?’ ‘Is it Willie Scrymgeour ye mean?’ asked the elder. ‘Aye, man, its just him; dy’e think he’s an honest man?’ ‘An honest man!’ echoed Mr. Mitchell ‘what should make you ask that; he’s no been stealing surely.’ ‘I’m no saying that,’ responded Tam, ‘but div ye think he wad lift a corpse or any thing o’ that kind?’ ‘Surely not, Mr. Merrilees,’ said the anxious elder, drawing his chair closer? ‘you do not mean body-lifting—the man that’s trusted with the keys of the burial-ground!’ ‘I’m no saying, Mr. Mitchell, that he lifts bodies. I’ll no say that the noo; but I’ll tell ye what, he disna mak them bide in their graves. What will ye wager, Mr. Mitchell, that there’s no a dead woman standing up against the wa’, in the kirk-yard?’ ‘The man’s daft!’ uttered the astonished Mr. Mitchell. ‘Gang awa’ hame to your wife, Tam Merrilees, and sleep yourself sober.’—‘Sober,’ said Tam, very dryly, ‘did ye say sober? Hum! that’ll be just as muckle as saying that I’m fou’; may be I am, may be no, but if you think sae, Mr. Mitchell, that’ll no hinder ye fra taking a bet upon it.’ After a lengthened parley, in which Tam strenuously supported his assertion, Maister Mitchell, in order to get rid of his visitor’s company, was fain to accept a bet of a dozen of ‘strong ale’ that no such thing existed, save in Tam’s imagination; and it was agreed that the two should call at the sexton’s house at seven o’ clock, and procure the keys, after which they were to proceed to the scene of dispute. Who can imagine the amazement of the horror-struck elder, at perceiving the corps of a woman standing upright against the wall, in the very identical spot that Tam had described? It was some time ere he could sufficiently compose himself to interrogate Tam upon so mysterious an affair. On his explaining the whole circumstance, the elder’s risibility was not a little raised at Tam’s description of the jolting he had suffered, while his indignation was as much roused against the dishonest Willie Scrymgeour. ‘Well. Mr. Merrilees,’ said he, ‘you have been soberer last night than I thought you were; and as for that worthless grave digger, he has had these keys too long already; but he has now seen the last of them.’ The elder was as good as his word; the sexton was dismissed, and his place filled by a more trust-worthy individual, while the dozen of ‘strong ale’ was drank with much glee.
FINIS.
GRINNING
MADE EASY;
OR,
FUNNY DICK’S
UNRIVALLED COLLECTION
OF
JESTS, JOKES, BULLS, EPIGRAMS &c
With many other descriptions of
WIT & HUMOUR.
GLASGOW:
PRINTED FOR THE BOOKSELLERS.