Part I.
Leper’s father lived in a village about six miles from Glasgow, and died when Leper was but very young, he left a widow and three children, two daughters and a son, and Leper being the youngest, was greatly idolized by his mother, who was a good soft natured woman, very industrious, and followed the business of bleaching of cloth.
As Leper grew up, he turned a very mischievous boy, playing tricks on the neighbourhood, such as tying cats to dogs-tails, breaking hen’s legs, stoping people’s lumbs or chimney-tops; so that his poor mother was sadly vex’d with complaints against him.
To get him kept from mischief, she prevailed with a taylor to take him an apprentice, he settled and was very peaceable for some time, until he had got so much of the trade on his finger-ends as he might pass for a journey-man, and then he was indifferent whether he stayed with his master or not; his mistress gave him but very little meat when they wrought at home, so he loved best to be in other houses, where he got both meat and diversion.[94]
Leper being resolved on revenge against his mistress, for her thin kail, no kitchen and little bread; for tho’ flesh was boiled in the pot, none for poor Leper and his master, but a little bit on Sabbaths, and all the bones were kept, and put in the pot, to make the broth thro’ the week. Leper perceived always when she took off the pot, she turned her back to them and took out the flesh, and set it on a shelf within her own bed;[95] one night after work, he steals out a pan, cuts a piece of flesh out of a dead horse, then goes to a lime kiln and boils it; next day his master being from home, his landlady and him being in the house, after she had set off the pot as usual, and taken out her bit of good beef, he goes out for some time, and then comes in, saying, The minister’s lass is wanting you to go directly and speak to her mistress, away she goes in all haste, Leper runs and takes away her bit of good beef, and lays down his horse-flesh, and knowing she would soon return in a passion, and sit down with a sosse in her cushion’d chair as she used, he takes a large prin and staps it straight up through the cushion, with its head on the chair and the point to her back-side: in she comes in a rage, and down she sits with all her weight on the prin point, and she roars out, Murder, murder, for she was sticket through the a—se, the neighbours came running in, and Leper got out with his bit of good beef, leaving the wives to doctor his landlady’s doup as they pleased; he still denied the doing of it, and his master believed it might happen accidentally, but the Houdie was very often to be had before the hole was got heal again; and his landlady by eating of that horse-beef, took a loathing at flesh, so Leper and his master got all the beef to eat ever after, and his landlady turned one of the kindest mistresses a prentice could wish for.
There was a neighbour wife on which Leper used to play tricks sometimes, for which she came and complained to his master, and got him severely beaten[96] several times: Leper resolved to be revenged on her, so one day he came to the back-side of her house, (no body being within but herself) and took up a big stone, and runs it along the rough wall with all his force, which roared like thunder in the inside of the house, and frightened the wife so, that she thought the house was tumbling down about her ears, upon which she ran out and sat down at a distance, looking when the house would fall down, till her husband came home, to whom she told the above story, ‘Hout daft Taupie, said he, the house will stand these hundred years,’ so by his persuasion they both went into the house, Leper (knowing they were both in) comes back and plays the same trick over again, which frighted the goodman also so much, that he cried out, ‘Run Maggy run, for my heart plays a’ pitty patty,’ and they would not lodge in the house any more, till the masons convinced them of its sufficiency.
There was another neighbour who had a snarling curr dog, which bit Leper’s leg; Leper resolved to be revenged on the dog, and so, one night he catches the dog and carries him to the kirk, where the rope of the bell hang upon the outside, so with his garter he tied the dog’s fore-foot to the rope, and left him hanging; the dog struggling to get free, set the bell a ringing, which alarmed the whole village, every one cried out, ‘Wonderful sirs! Wonderful sirs![97] the de’il is ringing the bell.’ When they saw the black colley hanging the rope, I true it set the minister and all the people to their prayers:[98] but Leper fearing he would be found out by his garter, came to the minister’s side and asked the reverend gentleman, what was the matter? Indeed my bairn (said he) it’s the de’il ringing the kirk-bell; says Leper, I’ll go and see him, for I never saw the de’il; the minister cry’d, Stop that mad laddie, but Leper ran and loused the dog, crying, It’s such a man’s dog, which had the rope in his teeth, they all cried out, ‘The de’il is in the dog, the de’il is in the dog,’ took up some stones and fell’d poor colley, and the de’il got the blame of making the dog ring the bell, this spread Leper’s fame for being one of the wisest and most couragious taylors that was in all the kingdom; and many shaking their heads, said, ‘It was a pity he was a taylor, but a captain or general of an army, as the devil could not fear him.’
After this a farmer in the neighbourhood, hearing the fame of Leper, how he had frighted the de’il frae being a bell-man, sent for him to an ale-house, and drank with him very heartily, and told him he was sadly born down with the spirit of jealousy against his wife, on suspicion of being too free with a servant-lad she had before, and if he would keep it secret, and learn him how to find it out, he would give his mother a load of meal, to which Leper and him agrees, so he gave the poor supposed cockold instructions how to behave. So home he goes and feigns himself to be very sick, and every day worse and worse, taking death to him, blesses his three small children, and charges his wife not to marry until his children could do something for themselves: This hypocritical woman takes the roaring, a-ha, marry, she would never marry! No, no, there should never man ly by her side, nor kiss her lips after thee, my lamb Johnny——Then he acted the dying man as well as possibly he could, the neighbours were called in, and he’s fair o’erseen[99] as the old saying is, Before good neighbours; the sorrowful widow made a sad lament, wrung her hands, and tearing her hair,——the reverend women[100] about began to dress the corpse, asked her for a shirt, ay, ay, said she, He has twa new linen sarks, and there is an auld ane in the bottom of the kist it nae body can wear, just take it, ony thing is good enough for the grave; well, said they, we must have some linen for a winding sheet, a’well, co’ she, I ha’ twa cut o’ linen in the kist, but there is a pair of auld linen sheets hol’d in the mids, may do well enough, I had need to be carefu’, I’m a poor widow the day, wi’ three sma’ bairns. Awell, the corpse is dress’d, and laid on the top of a big chest, while the neighbours sat by her condoling her misfortune, and wondering how the funeral raisins were to be provided; said one, the coffin must be seen about first. Ay, ay, said she, he has some new deals in the barn he bought to mak a bed o’, but we’ll no break them, there is the auld barn-door and the chaff-kist will do well enough, ony thing’s good enough to gang to the grave; but O, co’ she, send for Sandy my honest auld servant, and he’ll see every thing right done, I’ll tell him where he’ll get siller to do ony thing wi’, he’s the lad it will not see me wrang’d; then Sandy comes wrying his face and rubbing his eyes, O Sandy, there is a sad alteration here, and ba-a-a she cries like a bitten calf, O sirs, will ye gang a’ butt the house till I tell Sandy what to do; butt they goes, and there she fell a kissing of Sandy, and said, Now my dear, the auld channering ghaist is awa,’ and we’ll get our will o’ ither; be as haining of every thing as you can, for thou kens it’s a’ thy ain; but the corpse’s sister and some other people came in, and ben they came to see the corpse, lifts the cloth off his face, and seeing him all in a pour of sweat, said, Hegh, he’s a bonny corp,[101] and a lively like colour, when he could no longer contain to carry on the joke, but up he got amongst them, a deal of the people ran for it, and his wife cried out, O my dear, do ye ken me? Ay ye base jade and whore, better than ever I did. Jumps on to the floor and gets his staff, and runs after Sandy, and catches him in the fields a little from the house, gives him a hearty beating, never tell’d him for what; returns to the house, ate and drank with his sister and neighbours who had come to see his corpse; poor Sandy went home with a skinful of terror, and a sorting of sore bones, took a sore fever, and died in a few days after, so he got quit of his cockler, and Leper’s mother got her meal.
Leper’s mother was a careful industrious wife, but as the by-word is ‘A working mother makes a daly daughter,’ and so it happened here, for she had two idle glaket sluts of daughters, that would do nothing but ly in their bed in the morning, till (as the saying is) ‘The sun was like to burn a hole in their backsides;’ the old woman being at this time busy bleaching some cloth, was very early at work in the mornings, and Leper’s patience was worn out with the laziness of his two sisters, and he resolved to play a trick on them for their reformation; so he goes and gets a mortcloth[102] and spreads it upon the bed above them, and sends the dead bell[103] thro’ the town, inviting the people to his sisters’ burial the next day, at four o’clock afternoon, for they had died suddenly; this brought all the neighbour-wives in, who one after another lifted the mortcloth, and said with a great sigh, ‘They’re gone to their rest, a sudden call indeed!’ Their aunt hearing of this sudden news, came running in all haste, and coming through the green where the jades mother was at work, who was ignorant of the story, she cries out, ‘Fy upon you, woman, fy upon you,’ says she. What’s the matter, sister? What’s the matter? ‘I think ye may let your work stand for ae day, when your daughters are lying corpse.’ My bairns corpse! I am certain they went to bed heal and fair last night. But I tell you (says the other) the dead bell has been through the town, warning the folk to the burial, then the mother cries out, ‘O the villain, O the villain, that he did not send me word.’ So they both ran, and the mother as soon as she entered the house, flies into the bed, crying, ‘O my bairns, my dear bairns!’ on which the sluts rises up in a consternation, to the great surprize of the beholders, and to the great diversion of the whole town, and to the great mortification of girls, who thought shame to set their noses out of doors.
Leper and his master went to a gentleman’s house to work, where there was a saucy house-keeper, who had more ignorance and pride, than good sense and manners; she domineered over her fellow-servants in a tyrannical manner; Leper resolved to mortify her pride; so he finds an ant’s nest, and takes their white eggs, grinds them to a powder, and puts them into the dish her supper-sowens was to be put in. After she had taken her supper, as she was covering the table, the imock-powder began to operate, and she let a great fart, well done Margaret, says the laird, she runs away for shame, but before she turned herself round, she gives another raird. My faith, says the Laird, Margaret, your arse would take a cautioner; before she got out of the chamber-door, she lets fly another crack; then she goes to order her fellow-servant to give the laird his supper, but before she could give the necessary directions, she gave fire again, which set them all a laughing; she runs into a room by herself, and there she played away her one gun battery so fast, as she had been sieging the Havannah. The laird and lady came to hear the fun, they were like to split their sides at proud Maggy, so next morning she left the place, to the great joy of her fellow servants.
(The end of the First Part.)
N.B.—In the Second Part, will be a deal of very diverting Stories done by LEPER, when he was a Journeyman and Master.
Part II.[104]
Leper’s Landlady became very harsh to his Master, and very often abused him exceeding sore with both tongue and hands, and always chided upon him for more money, and to have all the money in her keeping, which Leper was very sorry for. It so happened on a day, after the Taylor had got a hearty drubbing with tongue and tongs, that he pouch’d his thimble, and was going to make a Queen of her? when she saw that, she cried out, ‘O will you leave me, a poor tender, dying woman?’ But Leper knowing the cause of her cursed ill-nature better than his Master did, advised him to take her on a fine day, like a mile out of town, and give her a walk, and he would stay at home, and study a remedy for her disorder.——Away they goes, but as she was always complaining of her health, and that she was very weak, she cry’d out frequently, ‘O it is a crying sin to take a woman in my condition out o’er a door.’ During their absence, Leper goes and searches her bed, and below the bolster he gets a bottle of rare whisky, of which he takes a hearty pull, and then pisses in it to make it up again, gets a halfpenny worth of snuff and puts it in also, shakes all together, and so sets it in its place again. Home they came again, and she was exceedingly distressed as a woman could be, and cry’d out, ‘It was a horrid thing to take her out of a house.’ The taylor seeing her so bad, thought she would have died, and ran as fast as he could and brought her a dram, but she in her hypocrisy pretended she could not take it, and called him to help her to bed. Into her bed he lays her, and he was not well gone until she fell to her bottle, taking two or three hearty gluts, then she roars out murder, for she was poisoned, she was poisoned. Bocking and purging began, and the neighbours are called in, she leaves her blood on poor Leper, and tells how such an honest woman brought her ae bottle as another was done, and the murdering lown had stole it, and put in a bottle of poison instead of it. Leper took to his heels, but was pursued and carried before a Justice of the Peace, where he told what he had done, which made the Justice laugh heartily at the joke, and the Taylor’s wife was well purged both from her feigned sickness, laziness, and cursed ill nature, for always when she began to curl her nose for the future, the Taylor had no more to say, ‘But, Maggy, Maggy, mind the bottle.’
Leper was working with a master taylor in Glasgow, who hungered his men, and one morning just as the breakfast was set on the table, in comes a gentleman to try on a suit of clothes, the Master being obliged to rise, desired the lads to say the grace themselves, every one refused it, and put it to his neighbour, till Leper took it, and said as follows, with an audible voice, that the stranger gentleman might overhear him; “Oh, hoch, we are a parcel of poor beastly bodies, and we’re as beastly guided, if we do not work we get nothing to eat, yet we are always eating and always fretting, fidging and half fasting is like to be our fortune, scartings and scrapings are the most of our mouthfu’s; we would fain thank thee for thy fulness if ever it were so, but the rest of our benefactors are not worth the acknowledging, hech hey, Amen,” which made the gentleman laugh till he held his sides, and gave Leper half a crown to drink.
Leper was not long done with his apprenticeship till he set up for himself, and got a journeyman and an apprentice, was coming into very good business, and had he restrained his roguish tricks might have done very well. He and his lads being employed to work in a farmer’s house, where the goodwife was a great miser, and not very cleanly in making ready of meat, and snivel’d greatly when she spoke. In the morning when she went to make their pottage, she made a fashion of washing the pot, which to appearance seemed to him to be among the first pots that had been made; then she set it down before the fire till she went to the well, in which time Leper looking into it, sees two great holes in the bottom stopped with clouts, he takes up his goose, and holds it as high as his head, then lets it fall into the pot, which knocked out the bottom of it; presently in comes the wife with the water, and pours it into the pot, which set the fire-side all in a dam, for still as she poured it in, it ran out, the wife being short-sighted, or what they call sand-blind, looks into the pot, holds up both her hands and cries, “The losh preserve me, sirs, for the grip atween the twa holes is broken;” says Leper the pot was old enough, but do you not ken that taylor’s pottage is heavier than other mens: indeed lad, said she, I believe it is sae, but they say ye’re a Warlock, it’s Wednesday a’ the warld o’er,[105] and a woful Wednesday to me indeed, my pot might have lasted me this fifty years, a sae wad it een.[106] This sport diverted Leper and his lads thro’ the day, and after supper, knowing he was to get but some dirty bed, as the cows and the people lived all in one apartment,[107] he chused rather to go home; and knowing the moon was to rise a little after midnight, they sat long by the fire, told them many a fine story to drive away the time, and bade the wife go and make their bed to see how it might be; to save candle she made it in the dark, directly on the floor behind where they sat, shaking down two bottles of straw: a calf which chanced to be lying on that spot, and which the wife did not notice, was covered up with the straw, and the bed clothes spread over all. The most of the family being gone to bed, the wife told them several times to go to bed also; but Leper knowing of the calf, said, I’ll make my bed come to me, on which the wife began to pray for herself, and all that was in the house; so up he gets his elwand, and gives a stroke on the bed, which caused the brute to get up, and not seeing where to go, it fell a crying, and turning round, which set the whole cows in the whole house a roaring out murder in their own tongue, the wife ran to the bed above the goodman, and the whole family cried out, not knowing what it was, but Leper and his two lads whipp’d off the blankets off the brute, and it ran in among the rest unperceived, then Leper lighted a candle, and all of them got out of bed, paid Leper for his work, and more if he pleased, and begged him to go away, and take the devil with him. So home he went, but never was employed by that wife more.
Leper had a deal of the best customers, both in town and country; so one time he had occasion to go to the parish of Inchinan to make a wedding suit for a gentleman; after they were finished, he asked drink-money to his lads, which the gentleman refused: Leper resolved to be even with him, so goes to the hay-loft where the groom slept, and takes his stockings, breeches and jacket, sews them altogether, and stuffs them full of hay, makes a head, puts a rope about the neck, and hangs it on a tree opposite to the Laird’s window, then goes to the Laird and tells him that his groom had hanged himself, and that if he would open his window, he would see him hanging; the laird struck with astonishment knew not what to do; Leper advises him to bury him privately, the Laird said, he had not a servant he could trust, so begged of Leper to do it, Leper refuses, till the Laird promised him a load of meal: then Leper pulls all the hay out of the groom’s clothes, goes and gets his load of meal and sends it to Glasgow, then goes to the groom, and says hastily, lad, thy master is wanting thee; so the lad in a haste runs to see what his master wanted, the Laird no sooner saw him opening the door, than he cry’d out, Avoid thee Satan, avoid thee Satan; the lad says, What’s the matter, Sir? What’s the matter? Did not you hang yourself this morning? Lord forbid! said the lad: the laird says, If thou be an earthly creature, take that tankard and drink; which he did: Then says he to his Master, Leper called me up and said, you wanted me in all haste: Ho, ho, says the Laird, I find out the story now, If I had Leper I would run my sword through him: But Leper before that was away for Glasgow with his meal.
Leper was in use to give his lads their Sunday’s supper, which obliged him to stay from the Kirk in the afternoon, he having neither wife nor servant-maid; so on Sunday afternoon, as he was at home cooking his pot, John Muckle-cheeks and James Puff-and-Blaw, two Civileers, having more zeal than knowledge, came upon him and said, What’s the matter Sir, you go not to the kirk? Leper replied, I am reading my book, and cooking my pot, which I think is the work of necessity. Then says the one to the other, Don’t answer the graceless fellow, we’ll make him appear before his betters, so they took the kail-pot and puts a staff thro’ the bowls, and bears it to the Clerk’s chamber.[108] Leper who was never at a loss for invention, goes to the Principal of the College his house, no body being at home but a lass roasting a leg of mutton; Leper says, My dear, will you go and bring a pint of ale, and I’ll turn the spit ’till you come back, the lass was no sooner gone, than he runs away with the leg of mutton, which served his lads and him for their supper. When the Principal came home, he was neither to bin nor ha’d, he was so angry; so on Monday he goes and makes complaint to the Lord Provost, who sends two officers for Leper, who came immediately. My Lord asked him, How he dared to take away the Principal’s mutton? Leper replied. How came your Civileers to take away my kail-pot? I am sure, there is less sin in making a pot-full of kail, than roasting a leg of mutton, Law-makers should not be law-breakers, so I demand justice on the Civileers; the Provost asked him, what justice he would have? says he, Make them carry the pot back again; as for the Principal, a leg of mutton won’t make him and me fall out: so they were forced to carry the pot back, and Leper caused the boys to huzza after them to their disgrace.
There was a Barber which always plagued Leper, calling him a Prick-the-Louse; Leper resolved to be even with him, so he goes and buys three sheep-heads, and sends for the Barber and told him, that there were three Southland gentlemen come to his house, who wanted to be shaved, and he assured him he would receive sixpence for each one of them, this good news made the shaver send for a dram; Leper was still praising them for quiet good natured gentlemen, so Leper takes him to the bed where the sheep-heads lay covered, and desired him to waken them, for they would not be angry, or say an ill word to him, the Barber lifts the covering and sees the sheep-heads, runs out cursing and swearing, and Leper crying after him, Sheep-head Barber.
The Barber resolved to be revenged on Leper, so when he was shaving Mess John, he tells him that Leper was the drunkenest fellow in the parish; so Mess John warns him to the session, Leper comes and says, What do you want with me, Sir? Come away Leper, says Mess John, I hear a bad report of you; Me, Sir! I am sure they were not my friends that told you that. Indeed, I am informed you are a great drunkard; I a drunkard! you have not a soberer man in your parish: Stay Sir, I’ll tell you how I lead my life: In the morning I take a choppin of ale, and a bit of bread, that I call my morning: for breakfast I generally take a herring and a choppin of ale, for I cannot sup brose like my lads; the herring makes me dry, so at eleven hours I take a pint; at dinner another pint; at four afternoon my comrades and I join, sometimes we are a pint and sometimes three choppins; at supper I take a bite of bread and cheese and a pint, and so I go to bed: Mess John says, It’s extravagant Sir, it’s excessive drinking, I allow you the one half of it for a quarter of a year; says Leper, I’ll try it, Sir, and come back and tell you. At the end of the quarter he draws out his account, and goes to Mess John, who was sitting with his elders in the session-house, and says, Sir, I have a demand on you: On me, Sir! Yes, on you, Sir; Don’t you remember you allowed me so much drink for a quarter of a year, and I want the money; Am I to pay your reckoning, Sir? You allowed it, and if you won’t pay it, I’ll take you before the Provost: The Elders advised him to pay it or he would be affronted: so Leper got the money: When he was at the door, he says, Sir, will ye stand another quarter? Get away, says Mess John, and don’t trouble me. Leper says, I’m sure you may, for I was always two-pence to your penny.
THE END OF THE SECOND PART.
THE GRAND SOLEMNITY OF THE TAYLOR’S FUNERAL.
[The edition here followed was published in the year 1816, without any mention of the place of issue. It contains also the two parts of Leper the Taylor. The full title is:—‘Fun upon Fun, or, the Comical Merry Tricks of Leper the Taylor. In two Parts. To which are added, The Grand Solemnity of the Taylor’s Funeral, who lay Nine Nights on his own Shop-Board, together with his Last Will.’ It has been collated with an edition published in 1820, and with another, apparently of English origin, without date. This chap-book, as has been explained in the Introduction, Vol. I., p. 48, is believed to be the third part of Leper the Taylor; and M‘Vean has given his sanction to the conjecture by entering it in his list of Opera Dugaldi. Upon a close study of the work, however, and after a careful comparison of it with the two parts of Leper the Taylor, the editor cannot avoid the suspicion that what appears in the following pages is not the bona-fide work of Dugald Graham. That suspicion is founded not only upon the almost entire absence of Scotticisms, but also upon the mention of some customs which were certainly not common in Scotland, such, for instance, as the presentation of a sprig of rosemary to each person at a funeral, and the corpse arrest. These were more prevalent in England. While that is so, the fact that the work forms a quite consistent conclusion to the other two parts, and that Dugald did not always run in the same groove, prevents the editor from pressing this suspicion to an extreme; and he contents himself with marking the authorship as doubtful.]
THE GRAND SOLEMNITY OF THE TAYLOR’S FUNERAL.
Leper[109] in his life-time desired, That all those who came to attend his funeral, might be handsomely entertained with a half-penny-roll, and a pint of ale;[110] in memory of the many breakfasts he had made in his life-time: And furthermore desired, That those who were his former[111] relations and chief mourners, instead of a mourning ring, might be presented with a Taylor’s Thimble, in memory of his own trade, and round the rim to have this motto engraved:
Be sure you Feed Hell.
Round the room hung divers remnants of black-cloth, of the Taylor’s own cabbaging, for he was very honest that way, and never cabbaged but a quarter[112] out of a yard. At the four corners of the room stood four woolen-drapers, lamenting the loss of so good a customer, with each of them a white wand in his hand, just a yard long and a parchment label hanging on their shoulders, with this motto:
The Taylor has finished his work,
And now he is gone to receive his wages.
At the head of the Taylor’s coffin, stood the goose triumphant, the cabbage blazoned, and the cucumber argent. On the lid of his coffin was engraven, on a brass plate, this applicable motto:
Hell is beneath me.
At the foot of the coffin was the sheers pendent, the bodkin rampant, and the thimble enclosed in three ermins.
When the Corpse was conveyed down stairs, each person was served decently round with a leaf of red cabbage, instead of a sprig of rosemary. Then the Corpse was hoisted on the shoulders of six piece-brokers, having each of them this motto:
The Taylor steals, we buy.
The pall was supported by those who sold stay-tape, buckram, and canvas.
The Corpse was followed down Cloth-fair by thirty-six master-taylors, each having a yard in his right-hand, with a parchment streamer at the end of it, with this motto:
We Taylors by our art and trade
Do often mend what God hath made.
Next followed twenty-four[113] woolen-drapers, two-by-two, bearing on their breasts this motto:
We deal in wool, but can’t forbear
To deal, alas! some times in hair.
Then followed the like number of button-makers, wringing their hands with this motto:
Man’s but a Button, by my soul!
The very Grave’s a Button-hole.
After these, followed a vast number of city ricketty hopper-arsed beaux, who had been padded up, and made into a complete gentlemen, by the deceased limb-trimmer, drying their watery eyes, with cambrick hankerchiefs, and having this motto engraved on their watch cases:
He’s gone who made us human shapes,
And now we must again turn apes.
But to conclude the procession: Last of all, followed a numerous croud of journeymen taylors, who were all slip-shoed, their stockings about their heels, their hats off, a skein of thread hung carelessly about their necks; and their shirt collars were open, that they might have liberty to disturb their bosom friends. On their left sleeve was a cushion, whereon stuck abundance of Spanish and Whitchapel needles. The tails of their wigs were matted like horses’ manes, just as if they had come off the shop-board from work. On their left shoulders each had a long strip of parchment, whereon was written this motto:
The lice bite us, ’tis not deny’d, }
We bite our masters when employ’d; }
And they bite all the world beside. }
At the bottom of Cloth-fair, the Corpse was arrested at the suit of an old herb-woman for elevenpence halfpenny,[114] which had been due a long time to the hag, for cabbages and cucumbers, which the deceased had in his life-time: However the journeymen-taylors manfully released the Corpse,[115] and afterwards marched on in ample procession to the house of one Ned Kemp, an honest piece-broker, where there was a spacious grave dug, between a large cabbage and a cucumber plant.
The FUNERAL SERMON was preached by Obadiah Backstitch, and the words of the text were these:
A remnant of all shall be saved.[116]
After which, the journeymen taylors were admitted into the house,[117] and each of them served with a halfpenny-roll, and a pint of ale, and so went weeping home, for the loss of so good a master.
THE
TAYLOR’S LAST WILL.
I will and bequeath unto Simon Whipstitch,[118] my needle and thimble; unto Peter Niggle, my sheers and bodkin; and unto Mrs. Mary Laycock[118] is my Pincushion, stuck full of needles and pins, to which I sewed a watch-chain, key, and seal with which I used to strut about like a crow in a gutter.[119]
Gae canty book and win a name;
Nae lyrics ev’er shall ding thee:
Hope large esteem, and lasting fame,
For Leper’s name will raise thee.[120]
Finis.
THE HISTORY OF HAVEREL WIVES.
[The title of the edition reprinted here is:—‘The Folly of Witless Women Displayed; or, the History of Haverel Wives: Written by Humphray Clinker the Clashing Wives Clerk. Being a Comical Conference between Maggy and Janet his two old Aunties. Glasgow: Printed for the Company of Flying Stationers, in Town and Country, MDCCLXXXI.’ It has been collated with an undated edition issued by Morren of Edinburgh, and one published by the Robertsons of Glasgow in 1807; and also with a reprint by D. Webster & Son, Lothian Street, Edinburgh. This last named firm, considering the reprinting of old Scottish popular tales ‘in a more correct and neat form’ than hitherto to be a desideratum, issued this chap-book, along with Janet Clinker’s Oration, as the first number of what they called the ‘Caledonian Classics of the Common People.’ John Cheap was announced as the second number. It should be stated that the 1781 edition here followed is exceptional in respect that the History of the Haverel Wives is given as a separate and distinct publication. It is an 8 pp. 12mo. In all the other editions that have come under the editor’s notice this chap-book and Janet Clinker’s Oration are issued together.]
THE HISTORY OF HAVEREL WIVES, &c.
It is a certain old saying, That where women are conveen’d in crouds there can be but little silence; and some have acknowledged that it was a great bondage for them to hold their peace in the church: and where there is much talk by ignorant speakers, it is diverting for persons of understanding to hear them. Therefore we have furnished the public with a small collection of old wives noted sayings and wonders, which they relate happened in their own time, also what has been told them by their forefathers.
Two old wives (Maggy, and Janet) at their rocks, began their cracks as follows:
Janet. A dear Maggy, an how auld will ye be now, o’ it’s lang since I kend you.
Maggy. Indeed Janet that’s what nae body kens, for my father and mither had sae mony o’ us, they ne’er counted how auld ane o’ us was, they minded ay wha o’ us was born first, and wha was neist ane anither, and that was a’ that e’er we sought to ken about it; but I ha’e mind o’ the mirk Munonday.[121]
Jan. Hout, tout, woman, the mirk Munonday, I hae mind since there was nae Munondays at a’, and the Sabbath days was nae com’d in fashion, there was a day they ca’d Sunday came anes o’ the ouk for it, we kend ay whan it came, for my father cow’d ay his beard whan the bell rang, and then every body ran to the kirk it had ony thing ado, an it were to buy saut or shune, for the chapman chiels set up a’ their creims at the kirk-door, an the lasses wad a gotten keeking glasses, red snudes, needles, prins, elshin irons, gemlets, brown bread and black saep to buy, forby sweety wives things, and rattless for restless little anes; the men wad a bought pints o’ ale, an a gotten a whang o’ gude cheese to chow a’ the time a drinking o’t, hout, tout ay, they were braw markets on the Sundays i’ the time o’ Paepery,[122] we had nae ministers than but priests, Mess Johns, Black Friers, and White Friers, Monks, Abbots, and Bishops, they had nae wives, yet the best o’ them wad a spoken baudy language, and a kiss’d the lasses, fikle fyking bodies they ware, unko ill to please, they wad a baith curs’d fouk and bless’d them, just as ye pay’d them; a deed they were unco greedy o’ the penny, and pray’d ay to the dead fouk, and gard the living pay them for’t, and although they had play’d the loon wi’ a poor hizey she durst na speak o’t for her very life, for they cou’d gi’ ony body o’er to the de’il when they liket: They did not gar fouks learn to read and pray like our new ministers, but thump on your breast, strake your fingers o’er aboon your nose, tell your beads and rin bare-fit thro’ amang hard stanes, and cauld sna’.
Mag. A hech woman, an wad they a had carnal dealings wi’ the women, and they sae good and haly.
Jan. Hout ye daft woman, do ye think their goodness gelded them tho’ they had nae wives; there was a great sort o’ them it they ca’d cardonels, that ay when twa young bodies was married they bute to hae the first night o’ the bride.[123]
Mag. A wae worth them filthy hureing dogs, if I wadna’ a libbet them mysel, I wonder that the gentle fouks and lairds lote them do the like o’ that.
Jan. A dear woman the gentle fouks and the lairds keepet ay in wi’ them, for they said they had the command o’ the de’il and the dead fouk, and the gentles durst na cast out wi’ them, for they got a’ their sins pardon’d for the less siller.
Mag. A dear woman that was unko like, the de’il wad get nae body then but the poor fouk, and them that had nae siller.
Jan. A well a wat that was true, for an they pay’d the priest well, the de’il durst na middle wi’ them.
Mag. A wow woman, a what’s come o’ them a’ now, am sure the like o’ thae fouks it had sae meikle power, needed neither die nor yet be sick: they wad live a’ their days.
Jan. A wat well did they, for the maist o’ them is dead and rotten, and the rest o’ them gade awa’ to Italy, where the auld Pape their father, the de’il, the witches, brownies and faries dwal,[124] and then we gat anither sort o’ gospel fouks it they ca’d curits,[125] fine sort o’ dainty honest foulks they war, but gay and greedy, they did na’ like sculdudery wark, but said na meikle against it, for a hantle o’ bits a callans wad a gotten twa or three bastards before they wad a gotten breeks; they beit to hae their tithes of every thing that grew, mony a time my father wist they wad take the tithes of his hemp too, an it were to hang themsels, they were ay warst whare a poor man or wife died, altho’ they left weans fatherless and mitherless, a deed they wad a sent their bellman, and wi’ his lang prelatic fingers he wad a harled the upper pair o’ blankets aff o’ the poor things bed, for some rent that they gard fouks pay for dying, a sae did they e’en, and yet they keepit a hantle o’ bra haly days, and days o’ meikle meat, Fastrens-e’en and Yule days, when we gat our wames fou o’ fat brose, and a sippet Yule sowens till our sarks had been like to rive, and after that a eaten roasted cheese and white puddings well spiced, O bra times for the guts, well I wat every body might live than that had ony thing to live on.
Mag. But dear Janet ye’er bra an lang o’ the memory, do ye mind o’ the waefu blast, when the foul thief was raging in the air, and the de’il dang doun a’ the kail yard dykes cutted the corn stacks, tirr’d the houses and blew giddy Wille’s wig in the wall, they said it was some young minister it had rais’d the de’il, and for want o’ a cock, a cat, or some unkirsen’d creature to gi’ him, they could na’ get laid again, an he brake the bridle slipped his head an ran awa frae them.[126]
Jan. A deed woman I heard tell o’ that, and how wood Willie M‘Neel met him on the staps in the mids o’ the water, an shot him o’er, and thought to drown him, but he gade doun the water like a meikle branded bill roaring, a’ burning fire; but I hae mind the first time it the de’il came to this kintrey was on a Sunday, I was a wi’ bit gaun lassie my father and a’ the men fouk was at the kirk, the ware twa o’ them, a humeld ane an a horn’d ane, a goodman de’il, and a goodwife de’il as we took them to be, we ran a’ into the house, and my mither barr’d the door and hunted the dogs at the byre hole, thinking the de’il wou’d rin frae the dogs, but, na, na, they got up on their tae end like twa auld men, they were a rugh lang hair like a pyet horse, wi’ lang bairds aneath their chin, and the meikle horn’d de’il box’d the dogs in at the hole agen, we ran a’ ben the house and grat, but our Jock wha wis a little gabby gaun laddock, cry’d ay, mither, mither, what is the de’il seeking here, he’ll be wanting to tak a’ the auld wives an cats to mak witches o’ them,[127] I true whan my gran mither heard that, she gat up and ran ben to the spence, and crap in the bear meal barrel to hide hersel frae the de’il, and curr’d there ’till the kirk skaild, a deed she was sae fear’d, she made her burn in the barrel; and what was’t true ye after a’ but a tupe and a ewe of the highland gaits, it the laird had gotten to gie the lady milk, but mony a day we leugh at the twa de’ils.
Mag. But dear woman, what an a body is that de’il, it ev’ry body is sae fear’d for him, is’t na him they ca’ auld nick, what fore do they ca’ him auld nick?
Jan. A dead woman I dinna ken what like a body he is, but they say he’s a’ black, and they ca’ him auld nick, because he’s aulder nor Adam, and Adam was the first man in the warld, and they say the de’il will never die, nor yet be sick, nor yet tak sair een.
Mag. A wow Janet but ye’re a witty creature, but can ye tell me what way the blackamoors is made, some fouk says they’re a’ dipped in cats blood and burnt bear strae, but I’m ay thinking the litster doucks them in amang the broe that they lit the black claith wi’, and then sells them to the lairds and gentle folks to flee their bairns wi’, or dis the gentles eat them when they’re dead think ye.[128]
Jan. Hout awa daft creature, the blackamoors is fouk just like oursel, but only they hae a black skin on them, did ye never see black sheep and white sheep, black horse and white horse, ye think they’re a’ de’ils because the de’il’s black: I thought mysel lang syne, they were made for the penny, and sell’d the dearer o’ the black skin.
Mag. But Janet did ye ever see the de’il, I wad fain ken what like he is, some says he’s like a bill, a bear or an auld beggar man.
Jan. Indeed I never saw sae muckle as the de’il a’ my days, but I’ve heard the ministers flyting and misca’ing him, and whan they said a’ that they cou’d say o’ him, they ca’d him an ill spirit, and a great liar, mony a ane has war names than a’ that yet.[129]
Mag. But do you think there is ony de’ils but ane, every body’s speaking an crying on him, ane couldna answer them a’.
Jan. A deed they say there’s black anes and white anes o’ them, humel anes, and horn’d anes, the very witches is haf de’ils whan they’re living, and hail de’ils when they’re dead; the brownies is haf dogs haf de’ils, a’ rugh but the mouth, seeks na claise, ae man’s meat ’ill sair them, and they’ll work ten mens work in ae night, forby hob-goblins fairies and elfs, that shoots fouks beasts to dead, an no a hole to be seen in the skin o’ them;[130] hard na ye tell o’ the twa Highland wives, how the tane cry’d oh, on, oh on, Shenet my cows shot, houp, poup, co’ she, an wha shot her, a de’d it was the de’il, oh hough, oh hough, Shenet we’ll a’ be kill’d whan the de’il has gotten a gun.
Mag. A sweet be wi’ us woman, is nit an unco thing they dinna a’ flee on the minister, whan he flytes and misca’s them sae, do ye think they hear him?
Jan. A doubtless but they hear and sees too, they’re neither blind nor bleer-ey’d, but ay whan ye speak o’ them, name the day cry it’s wansday thro’ a’ the warld and there’s nae fear o’ you.[131]
Mag. But what de ye think o’ our minister, is he a good man think ye?
Jan. Indeed I think he’s a gay gabby body, but he has twa fauts, and his wife has three, he’s unko greedy o’ siller, and he’s ay preaching down pride, and up charity, and yet he’s that fou o’ pride himsel, that he has gotten a glass window on ev’ry side o’ his nose, and his een is as clear as twa clocks to luk to, he has twa gigglet gilliegaukies o’ dochters, comes into the kirk wi’ their cobletehow mutches frizel’d up as braid’s their hips, and clear things like starns about their necks, and at ev’ry lug a walloping white thing hanging like a snotter at a bubbly wean’s nose, syne about their necks, a bit thin claith like a mouse web and their twa bits o’ paps playing ay niddity nod, shining through it like twa yearning bags, shame fa’ them and their fligmagaries baith, for I get nae good o’ the preaching looking at them; and syne a’ the dirty sherney hought hizies in the parish maun hae the like or lang gae; but an I ware to preach, sic pride sudna hae baith peace and property in my parish, I wou’d point out my very finger to them in the kirk, and name them baith name and sirname, and say there sits sherney Meg o’ the mill, stumpy May o’ the moss, sniveling Kate wi’ her hodle-makenster coat, they came into the kirk bobbing their hin quarters like three water wag tails, shaking their heads like a hunder pund horse, smacking their lips and hauding their mouth like May puddocks; and what shall I compare them to, but painted Jezebels; the whore of Babylon or Rachel the harlot, with a’ their gaudy decoying colours, high taps, and spread glittering tails, whan they come sailing into the house of prayer, as it were a house o’ dancing and debaushery, go, go, ye painted pisweips to fairs and weddings, and there display your proud banners of pride which ye are puffed up with, it is the very spirit o’ the devil, and unbecoming o’ the house o’ prayer: But if these gillygaukies shou’d come into the kirk with their heels up and their heads down, our mess John is become like ane o’ the dogs of Egypt, he’ll no move his tongue, and I believe he darna for Clipock his wife; wha’s element is to banter a’ the poor beggars from her door, nane can stand her but the tinkler wives, and she’s ay whinging about charity, but it’s to hersel, she widna pity the cripple on the blind’s back, but bids gae hame to their ain parish filthy beggar dirt,[132] she casts a’ her cauld paritch and kail to the cocks and hens, kicks the poor colly dogs out at the door, ca’s them filthy useless brutes, because they canna lay eggs, like hens eggs, she’s ay flyting on her lasses, hungers her servant lad, eats cocks and hens hersel, and gars the poor minister eat saut herrin.
Mag. A well I wat then I wish he may not turn a drucken body, for herring maks fouk ay dry, but well I wat Janet ye hae tell’d their faults on baith the sides, an I hae ae great faut to our minister yet, and tho’ I ware dead and rotten the night afore the morn I’ll neither forgi’ him nor yet forget him, a what he said to me, that I sud be ta’en and douked for offerin to marry agen, a woman at my age; an auld man, said he, ought to marry some kindly body to keep him clean in his auld age, but an auld woman (said he) that can wash a dud sark to themsels needs nae men; and now no Janet, I am no to ca’ very auld although I be stricken in years, I dinna ken my ain age, being kirsen’d in the time o’ Paepery;[133] I hae the penny, tho’ bair o’ flesh and blood, has four good teeth before and well willin gums in the backside, I canna gang far without a staff, an yet I wad as fain be married as whan I was fifteen year auld, O woman! but a man in the bed is an usefu body, they hae a sweet breath, and natural heat to keep a body warm; but an our minister ware an auld wife, he wad ken what the want of a bit man is as well as I, and a’ this began about wanton Wat the town taylor that promis’d to tak me again sic a time or tell me what for, mony a pickle well butter’d kail bleds I gi’d him, held out frae my ain wame and stappit in a his, he said he wad do as muckle to me again, but he has na don’t fause loun carle it he was, cheated me out o’ sax pund and twa sarks and then gar’d me mak a fool o’ mysel whan the laird’s duket[134] was biggit and made a’ white to gar the dows come, he said an my window ware as white they wad come to me too, and I like a poor fool took a basin fu’ o’ good bear meal and made it drammock and whitened a my window wi’t, but the never a dow came near hand me the mair o’t, but a’ the town dogs came pyking and licking it at night and day, I was plagued wi’ them till a gude shure came and wisht awa agen, the laird an every body came to look and laugh at it.[135]
Jan. But Maggy an ye be a mind to marry ye maun snod yoursel better up, cast awa your staff, singe your whiskers wi’ a candle or fir stick, stand straight up like a rash kekle, and looky cantylike whan the carles is gaun by, tak a mouthfu’ o’ good meat, and a drap dram in the mornin will keep the dirt aff your face and raise the red in your cheek, ye see the hens turns ay red lugget or they begin to lay: a body that wants a bit man will use mony a shift for ane, I ken how I did mysel whan I was fourteen lang year a widow, and thought never to gotten ane, I feed our John, whan he was a saft silly docus callan to ca’ the pleugh, and keepit him three years till he turn’d a wally whincer and fain wad I had him, but he widna speak o’t to me, but ae day we was in the house our lane, an I ties a gude hard stane knot on the strings o’ my toy beneath my chin, an fykes wi’t awee, then says, O Johnny my man look an ye can louse this knot wi’ your teeth, he lays a hand on every shouther and louses the knot, and I gripes him by the twa lugs and gies him a kiss, and saes poor man Johnny thou has a sweet breath, thou needsna want a bit kiss o’ me whan thou likes lad, I true that culli’d him hither ay the mair, ha, ha, thou has nae art woman.
Enters Humphray Clinker, hearing a’ that past, perswades his aunt Maggy that no man would marry such as her, for she looked like a picture of death riding upon hunger’s back, a rickle of banes row’d up in a runkly skin, had wasted her body with water lythocks into a scrufe of skin and bane for want of teeth to chow bread for the nourishment of her body, and that he was com’d on purpose to write her testament or latter will, that it was a lightness in her brain before death; therefore she ought to go to bed and die directly,[136] which she accordingly did[137] by taking thought of what was said to her, the priest being sent for came and discoursed with her, but still she keeping her purse in her hand, which he observed, desired she would give it to her friends or she died, to which she would answer by her sooth that she wad not, for she wad tak it wi’ her, for she had heard every body say they were the better o’ the penny wi’ them, gang whare they like, and so died supposed to be an hundred and six years old.
Humphray’s aunt Janet is yet alive an has made an oration in praise of the old women, and on the pride of the young.
Finis.
JANET CLINKER’S ORATION.
[Janet Clinker’s Oration is commonly found printed along with The History of Haverel Wives, and in the chap-book from which the text in the following pages are taken, this is the case. The full title in this case is:—‘An Oration on the Virtues of the Old Women, and the Pride of the Young: with a Direction for Young Men, what sort of Women to take, and for Women what sort of Men to Marry. Dictated by Janet Clinker, and written by Humphrey Clinker, the Clashing Wives’ Clerk. Glasgow: Printed by J. & M. Robertson, Saltmarket, 1807.’ It has been collated with the editions mentioned in the Introduction to these volumes: together with the reprint published in 1820 by Webster & Son, Edinburgh, referred to in the prefatory note to the History of the Haverel Wives.]
AN ORATION ON THE VIRTUES OF THE OLD WOMEN, AND THE PRIDE OF THE YOUNG.
The madness of this unmuzzled age has driven me to mountains of thoughts, and a continual meditation: It is enough to make an auld wife rin red-wood, and drive a body beyond the halter’s-end of ill-nature, to see what I see, and here what I hear: Therefore the hinges of my anger are broke, and the bands of my good and mild nature are burst in two, the door of civility is laid quite open, plain speech and mild admonition is of none effect; nothing must be used now but thunder-bolts of reproach tartly trimm’d up in a tantalizing stile, roughly redd up and manufactured thro’ an auld Matron’s mouth, who is indeed but frail in the teeth, but will squeeze surprizingly with her auld gums, until her very chaft-blades crack in the crushing of your vice.
I shall branch out my discourse into four heads.
First, What I have seen, and been witness to.
Secondly, What I now see, and am witness to.
Thirdly, What I have heard, does hear, and cannot help; I mean the difference between the old women and the young.
Fourthly, Conclude with an advice to young men and young women, how to avoid the buying of Janet Juniper’s stinking butter,[138] which will have a rotten rift on their stomach as long as they live.[139]
First, The first thing then, I see and observe is, that a wheen daft giddy-headed, cock-nosed, juniper nebbed mothers, bring up a wheen sky-racket dancing daughters, a’ bred up to be ladies, without so much as the breadth of their lufe of land, it’s an admiration to me, whare the lairds are a’ to come frae that’s to be coupled to them; work, na, na, my bairn manna work, she’s to be a lady, they ca’ her Miss, I maun hae her lugs bor’d says auld Numps the mither; thus the poor pet is brought up like a mitherless lamb, or a parrot in a cage; they learn naething but prick and sew, and fling their feet when the fidle plays, so they become a parcel of yellow-faced female-taylors, unequal matches for countrymen, Flanders-babbies, brought up in a box, and must be carried in a basket; knows nothing but pinching-poverty, hunger and pride; can neither milk kye, muck a byre, card, spin, nor yet keep a cow from a corn-rigg; the most of such are as blind penny-worths, as buying pigs in pocks, and ought only to be matched with Tacket-makers, Tree-trimmers, and Male-taylors, that they may be male and female agreeable in trade, since their piper fac’d fingers are not for hard labour; yet they might also pass on a pinch for a black Sutor’s wife, for the stitching of white seams round the mouth of a lady’s shoe; or, with Barbers or Bakers they might be buckled, because of their muslin-mouth and pinch-beck speeches, when barm is scant, they can blow up their bread with fair wind, and when the razor is rough, can trim their chafts with a fair tale, oil their peruke with their white lips, and powder the beau’s pow with a French-puff; they are well versed in all the science of flattery, musical tunes, horn-pipes, and country-dances, though perfect in none but the reel of Gamon.
Yet these are they the fickle farmer fixes his fancy upon; a bundle of clouts, a skeleton of bones, Maggy and the Much, like twa fir-sticks and a pickle tow, neither for his plate nor his plow; very unproper plenishing, neither for his profit nor her pleasure, to plout her hands through Hawkey’s[140] caff-cog, is a hateful hardship for Mammy’s Pet, and will hack a’ her hands. All this I have seen and heard, and been witness to; but my pen being a goose-quill, cannot expose their names nor places of abode, but warns the working-men out of their way.
Secondly, I see another sort, who can work, and maun work till they be married, and become mistresses themselves; but as the young man receives them, the thrift leaves them; before that, they wrought as for a wager, they span as for a premium, busked as for a brag, scour’d their din skins as a wauker does worsted blankets, kept as mim in the mouth as a minister’s wife, comely as Diana, chaste as Susanna, yet the whole of their toil is the trimming of their rigging, though their hulls be everlastingly in a leaking condition; their backs and their bellies are box’d about with the fins of a big fish,[141] six petticoats, a gown and apron, besides a side sark down to the ankle-banes; ah! what monstrous rags are here, what a cloth is consumed for a covering to one pair of buttocks! I leave it to the judgement of any ten taylors in town, if 30 pairs of mens’ breeches may not be cut, from a little above the easing of Bessy’s bum, and this makes her a motherly-like woman, as sturdy a fabric as ever strade to market or mill.
But when she’s married she turns a madam, her mistress did not work much, and why should she! Her mother tell’d ay she wad be a lady, but cou’d never show where her lands lay; but when money is all spent, credit broken, and conduct out of keeping, a wheen babling bubly bairns, crying piece minny, parich minny, the witless waster[142] is at her wit’s-end. Work now or want, and do not say that the world has war’d you; but Lofty-Nodle, your giddy-headed-mother has led you astray, by learning you to be a lady, before ye was fit to be a servant-lass, by teaching you laziness instead of hard labour, by giving you such a high conceit of yourself, that no body thinks any thing of you now, and you may judge yourself to be one of those, that wise people call Littleworth; but after all, my Dear Dirty-face, when you begin the warld again, be perfectly rich before you be gentle, work hard for what you gain, and you’ll ken better how to guide it, for pride is an unperfect fortune, and a ludicrous life will not last long.
Another sort I see, who has got more silver than sense, more gold than good nature, more muslins and means than good manners, tho’ a sack can hold their siller, six houses and a half cannot contain their ambitious desires. Fortunatus’s wonderful purse[143] would fail in fetching the fourth part of their worldly wants, and the children imitate their mothers, chattering like hungry cranes, crying still I want, I want, ever craving, willfully wanting, till all be brought to a doleful dish of desolation, and with cleanness of teeth, a full breast, an empty belly, big pockets without pence, pinching penury perfect poverty, drouth, hunger, want of money, and friends both, old age, dim eyes, feeble joints, without shoes or clothes, the real fruits of a bad marriage, which brings thoughtless Fops to both faith and repentance in one day.
Thirdly, Another thing I see, hear, and cannot help, is the breeding of bairns, and bringing them up like bill-stirks, they gie them walth o’ meat, but nae manners: but whan I was a bairn, if I didna bend to obedience, I ken mysel what I gat which learned me what to gie mine again; if they had tell’d me tuts, or prute-no, I laid them o’er my knee, and a com’d crack for crack o’er their hurdies, like a knock bleaching a harn-web, till the red wats stood on their hips, this brought obedience into my house, and banished dods and ill-nature out at the door; I dang the de’il out o’ them, and dadded them like a wet dish-clout till they did my bidding: But now the bairns are brought up to spit fire in their mither’s face, and cast dirt at their auld daddies: How can they be good who never saw a sample of it; or reverence old age, who practised no precepts in their youth? How can they love their parents, who gave them black poison instead of good principles? Who shewed them no good, nor taught them no duties! No marvel such children despise old age, and reverence their parents as an old horse does his father.
Fourthly, The last prevailing evil which I see, all men may hear, but none strive to help,[144] the banishment of that noble holy-day called the Sabbath, which has been blasted by a whirl-wind from the south; I am yet alive who saw this hurricane coming thro’ the walled city[145] near Solway in the South; it being on a Sunday, and a beautiful sun-shine day amangst some foul weeks in harvest-weather, which caused the Lord Mayor of the place to work hard, and put in the whole fields of wheat harvest, and the priests of that church commended him therefore: Because the season was backward, why should not man be disobedient! And this infection is come here also, surely the loss of this Sabbath-day will be counted a black Saturday to some; when I walk in the fields, I know it not but by the stopping of the plow, when in the city, only by the clossness of a few shop-doors and the sound of the bells; degenerate ideas of religion indeed! when the high praise is sounded only by bell-metal, A sounding Brass and a tinkling Cymbal: Is it not come to pass, the taverns roar like Ætna’s mouth; children follow their gaming, and old sinners their stroling about, nothing stopt but coal-carts and common carriers, the Sabbath lasts no longer than the sermon, and the sermon is measured by a little sand in a glass; many, too many frequent the church, seemingly only to show their antic dress, with heads of a monstruous form, more surprizing than those described by Aristotle, as for length exceeding that of an asses’s head, ears and all; and ah! How humbling would it be, to see their heads struck into such a hideous form, &c.
They disdain now to ride on pads as of old, or to be hobled on a horse’s hurdies, but must be hurled behind the tail, safely seated in a leather conveniency, and there they fly swiftly as in the chariot of Aminadab.[146]
They will not speak the mother language[147] of their native country, but must have southern oaths, refined like raw-sugar thro’ the mills of cursing, finely polished, and fairly struck in the profane mint of London, into a perfect form of flunky-language; even the very wild Arabs from the mountain-tops, who have not yet got English to profane his Maker’s name, will cry, Cot, Cot; hateful it is to hear them swear, who cannot speak. O! strange alteration since the days of old![148] the downful of Popery, and the Prelates’ decay, when reformation was alive, and religion in taste and fashion; the people during the sabbath, were all packed up in closets, and their children kept within doors, when every city appeared like a sanctuary, nothing to be heard on the streets, but the sound of prayer on the right-hand, and the melodious sound of psalms on the left.
Now is the days of counting, scribing, riding of horses, and the sound of the post-horn come; surely there will be trade now; and none will miss prosperity when every day is a fair; I add no more on this head, but every one claim a right to his own set time, &c.
Another grievance of the female offenders I cannot omit, which attacks a man’s fancy, and is the cause of his fall;[149] I mean Flighters who has gotten a little of the means of Mammon, more silver than sense, more gold than good nature, haughtiness for humility, value themselves as a treasure incomprehensible, their heads and hearts of Ophir-gold, their hips of silver, & their whole body as set about with precious stones, great and many are the congresses of their courtship, and the solemnizing of their marriage is like the conclusion of a peace after a bloody and tedious war.[150]
And what is she after all! yea, her poor penny will never be exhausted, it must be laid out in lunacy and laziness, she must have fine teas and the tuther thing: When pregnancy and the speuing of porich approaches, then she prophecies of her death; as she hatches life, she embraces laziness; then O the bed, the bed, nothing like the bed for a bad wife, her body becomes as par-boil’d,[151] being so bed-ridden, this rots their children in the brewing, and buries them in the bringing up; yea, some mothers are so beastly, as to water the bed and blame the child therefore; yet such lazy wives live long, and their children soon die; their far fetched feigned sickness, soon render the husband to the substance of one sixpence, he becomes poor and hen-peck’t under such petticoat government.
But when I Janet was a Janet, and had the judgement of my own house, my husband was thrice happy, I never held him down, he was above me day and night, I sat late and raise early, kept a fu’ house and rough back, when summer came we minded winter’s cauld, we had peace ay at porich-time, and harmony through the day; we supp’d our sowens at supper-time with a seasonable heat, and went to bed good bairns kent naething but stark love and kindness, we wrought for riches, and our ages and earthly stores increased alike, we hated pride and loved peace, he died with a good name; I let you ken I live, but not as many do, not so lordly of my brain as some are of their belly! and was not my life strange by that now practised? Come help yourselves you hillocat-livers and avoid it.
Now after a’, if a poor man want a perfect wife, let him wale a weel blooded hissie wi’ braid shouders an thick about the haunches, that has been lang servant in ae house, tho’ twice or thrice awa’ and ay fied back, that’s weel liked by the bairns and the bairns’ mither, that’s naeway cankard to the cats, nor kicks the colly-dogs amang her feet, that wad let a’ brute-beasts live, but rats, mice, lice, flaes, neets and bugs, that bites the wee bairns in their cradles, that carefully comb the young things’ heads, washes their faces, and claps their cheeks, snites the snotter frae their nose[152] as they were a’ her ain, that’s the lass that will mak a good wife; for them that dauts the young bairns, will ay be kind to auld fouk an they had them.
And ony hale-hearted halsome hissie, that wants to halter a good husband, never tak a widow’s ae son, for a’ the wifely gates in the warld will be in him, for want of a father to teach him manly actions; neither tak a sour looking sumf wi’ a muckle mouth, and a wide guts, who will eat like a horse and soss like a sow, suffer none to sup but himsel, eat your meat and the bairns baith; when hungry angry, when fu’ full of pride, ten sacks will not haud his sauce, tho’ a pea-shap wad haud his siller: But go, tak your chance, and if cheated, channer not on me, for fashionable fouk flee to fashionable things, for lust is brutish-blind, and fond love is blear-ey’d. I add no more, says Janet; so be it, said Humphray the Clerk.
Finis.
THE COMICAL AND WITTY JOKES OF JOHN FALKIRK.
[The text here used is from an edition bearing the following matter on the title-page:—‘The Comical and Witty Jokes of John Falkirk the merry Piper; When in Courtship to an old Fiddler’s Widow, who wanted all the Teeth. With a Copy of the Love-Letter he sent her, who is commonly called F—ting Betty.
Here’s a Piper on a merry pin,
Selling his words instead of win,
In courtship with an old fiddler’s jigg,
As weather beaten as his wigg;
Swears by his chanter he can win her bread,
Though never a tooth be in her head.
Edinburgh: Printed in the Year 1777.’ It has been collated with an undated edition published by Morren of Edinburgh. On the title of this latter edition the widow is called ‘Flinging Betty.’ The 1777 edition is an 8 pp. 12mo., containing only the ‘Jokes’; but in Morren’s Edition the ‘Jokes’ follow the ‘Cariches.’ The two were generally printed separately, although they are occasionally to be seen together.]
THE COMICAL AND WITTY JOKES OF JOHN FALKIRK.
A certain old reverend priest, being one night at supper in a gentleman’s house; and for one article having eggs, the server of the table, as usual laid a cloath on every ones knee, wherewith to hold their egg in when hot, when supper was over, the priest looking down between his legs, and seeing the white cloath thought it was his shirt-tail: and very slyly stops it into his breeches bite, and bite, which the lady and her maid observed, but was ashamed to challenge him; so home he went with the servet in his breeches, and knew nothing of it till going to bed, when it fell from him, his wife enquired how he came by it, he could not tell, but was surprized how he came to have more bulk in his breeches than formerly, but perceiving the name they sent it back again, the priest pleaded to be excused own’d himself only a thief through ignorance.[153]
An old gentleman and his two sons, being in a company, his oldest son sitting next him, spoke a word which highly displeased his father; for which his father gave him a hearty blow on the side of the head: A well said he, I will not lift my hand to strick at my parents, but gives his other brother that sat by him, a blow on the ear, saying give that about by the way of a drink, till it comes to my father again.
A sailor being traveling between Edinburgh and Linlithgow which is twelve long computed miles: and as he was setting out in the morning about 8 o’clock, he seed a vain like young spark go running past him, which he never minded, but kept jogging on at his own leisure: and as he was going into Linlithgow, about twelve o’Clock, up comes the young spark, and asked the sailor, what a Clock it was, why says the sailor, I see you have a watch and I have none, what is it? out he pulls his watch, ho said he, it’s directly twelve, and what do you think, it was half an hour after ten or I came out of Edinburgh, I have walked it in an hour and a half; it is pretty well tript, says the sailor, but pray sir, what man of business are you? O! said he, I am a watch maker, I was thinking so, said the sailor, for you have made your watch to answer your feet, for those feet can’t answer a right watch, and I suppose your tongue can’t keep time with none of them do you remember where you went past me this morning about eight o’Clock; O yes said he, and off he went.
As two maids was coming from the milking of their cows, one of them steping over a style, fell and spill’d the whole peal full of milk from her head O said she, what will I do, what will I do, O said the other maid, let it go who can help it now, you can make it up again it is not your maiden-head: My maiden-head said she, if it were my maiden-head, I would think nothing of it, many, many a time, I have lost my maiden-head with great pleasure, and I got it ay again, it came ay back to its ain place again, but I’ll never gather up my milk again.
A sailor being one night in company with a country taylor, O said the taylor, but your trade is a very dangerous trade, do you ever pray any? yes said the sailor, when we’re hard beset we pray to blast one anothers eyes and limbs, if they wont be nimble and quick, a wow man but that’s a sad trade, said the taylor, and what trade was your father? why said the sailor, he was a sailor too, and where did he die, said the taylor? why he was drowned at sea, and O man! said the taylor are you not fear’d to go to sea? not I said the sailor: But what trade was your father? indeed said the taylor, he was a taylor as well as me, and where did he die? said the sailor, indeed he died in his bed, says the poor taylor. O then says the sailor, are not you afraid to go to bed lest you die there too.[154]
Three merry companions having met on a saturdays night at an Ale house, (a hatter and a shoemaker, and a taylor,) where they drunk heartily all that night, and to morrow until mid day; and their beats was who had the lovingest wife: So they agreed for a trial of their good nature that every man should do, whatever his wife bade him do; as soon as ever he went home, or who did not as she ordered him, was to pay all the reckoning, which was seven and six-pence, or if all of them did as their wives bade them: then they were to pay all alike: so on this agreement they all came away, first to the hatters house, and in he goes like a madman, dancing and jumping round the floor, his wife at the very time was taking of the pot and setting it in the floor, he still dancing about, now says the wife, ding over the pot with thy madness, so he gives it a kick, and over it went, and that saved him as he had done what his wife bad him do. Then away he goes to the taylors house, and in he goes dancing likewise, but his wife fell a scolding him. O says he, my dear give me a kiss? kiss my arse you drunken rogue, said she; then to her he flys and whips her over in the bed, up with her petty coats and kisses her arse before them all, and that saved him; then away they went to the shoe-makers, and in he goes very merry and dancing about as he saw the other two do: saying come my dear heart and give me a kiss: go hang yourself you drunken dog said she, so he must either go and hang himself directly or pay all the reckoning.
An honest highlandman not long since, not much acquainted with the law, fell out with one of his neighbours, and to the law they went; he employed one advocate, and his opposite another, and as they were debeating it in court before the judges, the highlandman being there present, a friend of his asked him how he thought it would go, or who would win the day, indeed said the highland man, his law man speaks well, and my law man speaks well, I think we’ll both win, and the judges will lose for they speak but a word now and then.
A young woman by the old accident having got herself with child, was called to the Session for so doing: and after one elder another examining her how she got it, and where she got it, and what tempt her to get it; and no doubt the de’il wad get her for the getting of it; last of all the minister he fell a enquiring how she got it, which run the poor lass out of all patience about the getting of it, says the priest: tell me plainly where it was gotten, I tell you said she, that it was gotten in the byre, at a cows staike, and what other place do you want to ken about: but said he, he did not tye you to the cows staike, no said she, I did not need any tying, and how far was between the byre and the house? just butt and ben, up and down twa steps of a stone stair, then says the priest, why did you not cry to the folks in the house: indeed sir, said she, I could not get cried for laughing at it.
An old sodger being on a furlough from the north of Scotland, having got no breakfast, fell very hungry by the way and no ale house being near; came into a farmers house, and desired they would sell, him some bread, or any kind of victuals: to which the surly good wife reply’d, she never sold any bread, and she was not going to begin with him, he had but three miles and a bittok[155] to an ale-house, and he might march on, and she did fair enough when she gide bits of bread for naething to beggars though she gide nane to idle sodgers; he had naething to do there awa: Hute said the goodman gi’ him a laidle fu’ o’ our kail, he’s been ay somebodys bairn, before he was a sodger,[156] What said she there not a drop in the pot, they’re a’ in the plate before you, then gi’ him a spoon and let him sup wi’ us, the soldier gets a spoon and thinking he could sup all he seed himself, the first soup he put in his mouth, spouted it back again in the plate, and crys out O my sore mouth, the hide’s all of it yet since I had the Clap then every one threw down his spoon, the soldier got all to sup himself, the wife stood cursing and scolding all the while, and when he was done burnt both plate and spoon in the fire to prevent the Clap: So the soldier came off with a full belly, leaving the wife dressing the goodmans rigging with a four footed stool, for bidding him sup.
A great drover who frequainted a public inn in the north of England as he passed and repassed agreed with the servant maid of the house, for a touch of love: for which he gave her a six and thirty shilling piece: But on the next morning mounted his horse without asking a bill, or what was to pay, but sir, said the landlord, you forgot to pay your reckoning well minded, sir said he, I want my change I gave your maid a six and thirty to change, the poor maid is called on in haste, yes said she I got it, but it was not for that, throws it down and off she goes, her mistress understood and gave her the challenge, she told her it was so, but she should be up with him; so in twelve months thereafter, he came past with his drove, puts up at the same inn as foremerly; then the girl goes to a neighbour woman, and borrows a young child about three months old, comes into the company where he was, lays it down on the table, saying, sir there’s the change of your six and thirty, and away she comes; the child crys, and the bells rung, the landlord was ready enough to answer, O sir, said he, call her back for this will ruin my family and crack my credit, but sir said the girl, you thought nothing to ruin my character and crack my maiden head; peace, peace said he, my dear, here’s one hundred and fifty pound and take away the child and trouble me no more, well said she I’ll take it: But you will make more of buying cows than maiden heads; so away she came with the money, and returned the borrowed child to its own mother.
A churlish husband and virtuous wife one time fell sadly out, because the wife had given something to the poor, what, said he, mistress, I’ll let you know there is nothing about this house but what is mine and you’re mine, and your very arse is mine; a well well goodman, then you will let me have nothing take it all and give me peace: So away they went to bed the goodwife turned her backside towards the goodman, and as he was falling asleep, she draws up her smoke, and let’s fly in the goodman’s shirt-tail, which wakened him in a great fright, as he had been shot; ay, ay, woman, what are ye about; what am I about, said she, dear woman your filling the bed, not I goodman, for when my arse was my own I took care of it, and take you care of it now it is yours. O rise woman and clean the bed, and keep your arse, and a’ the liberty ye had before, and more if you want it, fich fich, what’s this! am a dirt.
A ships crew being one time in great distress at sea by reason of a violent storm, and being all fallen down to prayer, expecting every moment to go to the bottom; there happened to be an old gentleman a passenger on board with them who had a great big red nose with drinking ale and whisky; and being all at their last prayer as they thought, a little boy burst out into loud laughter: O thou thoughtless rogue said the captain what makes thee to laugh in seeing us all on the point of perishing, why, said the boy, I cannot but laugh, to think what a fine sport it will be when we are all drowning, to see how that man’s red nose will make the water bizz when it comes about it, at which words they all fell a laughing, and cheered the crew, so that they made another attempt to weather it out, and got all safe on shore at last.
My lovely Bett,
The beauty of old age, thy hoary head and loutching shoulders inclines to mortality, yet I’ll compare thee to an eagle that has renewed her youth, or a leek with a white head and a green tail, this comes to thee with my kind compliments, for the kisses of thy lips, and the kindness I had to thy late bed-fellow fiddler Pate my brother pensioner, ah! how we drank other’s healths with the broe of the brewket[157] ewes, we brought from boughts of the German Boors, but its nonesence, to blow the dead when in the dust, yet a better violer never scrided on a silken cord, or kittled a cat’s tryps with his finger-ends, his elbow was souple as a eel, and his fingers dabbed at the jigging end like a hungry hen picking barley: I seldom or ever saw him drunk, if keep him from whisky and whisky from him; except that night, he trysted the pair of free stone breeches from Joseph the mason, and now my dear Bessy he’s got them he’s got them, for a free stone covers his body, holds him down and will do, and now, now, my dainty thing, my bonny thing, my best match for matrimony come take me now, or tell me now, I am in anger,[158] I’ll wait nae langer, I say be clever, either now or never, its a rapture of love, that does me move, I’ll have a wife or by my life, if she should be blind and criple, I’ll sell my win, for her meat and fun, the like ne’er gade down her thraple; so now Bessy I love you and my love lies upon you, and if ye love not me again some ill chance come upon you, as am flyting free and flitting free am both in love and banter; or may your rumple rust for me, I’ve sworn it by my chanter.
From John Kirk’s Wind-mill at Corky Crown.
Finis.
THE SCOTS PIPER’S QUERIES:
OR
JOHN FALKIRK’S CARICHES.
[Reprinted from an undated edition published by C. Randall, Stirling, and collated with one by J. Morren, Edinburgh, and the modern Glasgow undated edition. The full title is:—‘The Scots Piper’s Queries: or John Falkirk’s Cariches, made Both Plain and Easy.
Old Piper John if you desire
To read at leisure by the fire:
’Twill please the Bairns and keep them laughing,
And mind the Goodwife o’ her daffing.
Stirling.—Printed by C. Randall.’]
An Account of John Falkirk, the Scots Piper.[159]
John Falkirk, commonly called the Scots Piper, was a curious little witty fellow, with a round face and a broad nose. None of his companions could answer the many witty questions he proposed to them, therefore he became the wonder of the age in which he lived. Being born of mean parents he got no education, therefore his witty invention was truly natural; and being bred to no business, he was under the necessity of using his genius in the composition of several small books, of which the following Cariches was one, which he disposed of for his support. He became author of many small Tracts, and the following curious and diverting pieces are said to be his composition, viz.:—The History of John Cheap the Chapman, The History of the Haveral Wives, Janet Clinker’s Oration, John Falkirk’s Witty Jokes, Jockie and Maggie’s Courtship, The Proverbs of the Pride of Women, History of Lothian Tom, with many others, which are well known in Scotland, England, and Ireland. In a word, he was
The wittiest fellow in his time,
Either for Prose, or making Rhyme.
THE SCOTS PIPER’S QUERIES;
OR,
JOHN FALKIRK’S CARICHES.[160]
Q. What is the wisest behaviour of ignorant persons?
A. To speak of nothing but what they know, and to give their opinion of nothing but what they understand.
Q. What time is a scolding wife at the best?
A. When she is fast asleep.
Q. What time is a scolding wife at the worst?
A. When she is that wicked as to tear the hair out of her own head, when she cannot get at her neighbours, and thro’ perfect spite bites her own tongue with her own teeth, my hearty wish is, that all such wicked vipers may ever do so.
Q. What is the effectual cure and infallible remedy for a scolding wife?
A. The only cure is to get out of the hearing of her, but the infallible remedy is to nail her tongue to a growing tree, in the beginning of a cold winter night, and so let her stand till sun-rising next morning, she’ll become one of the peacegblest women that ever lay by a man’s side.
Q. What time of the year is it that there is most holes open?
A. In harvest when there are stubbles.
Q. At what time is the cow heaviest?
A. When the bull is on her back.
Q. Who was the goodman’s muckle cow’s calf’s mother?
A. None but the muckle cow herself.
Q. What is the likeliest thing to a man and a horse?
A. A tailor and a mare.
Q. What is the hardest dinner that ever a taylor laid his teeth to?
A. His own goose, tho’ ever so well boiled or roasted.
Q. How many tods’ tails will it take to reach up to the moon?
A. One if it be long enough.
Q. How many sticks gangs to the bigging of a craw’s nest?
A. None for they are all carried.
Q. How many whit’s will a well made pudding prick need?
A. If it be well made it needs no more.
Q. Who was the father of Zebedee’s children?
A. Who but himself.
Q. Where did Moses go when he was full fifteen years old?
A. Into his sixteenth.
Q. How near related is your aunty’s good-brother to you?
A. No nearer than my own father.
Q. How many holes are there in a hen’s doup?
A. Two.
Q. How prove you that?
A. There is one for the dung and another for the egg.
Q. Who is the best for catching of rogues?
A. None so fit as a rogue himself.
Q. Where was the usefulest fair in Scotland kept?
A. At Millgavie.[161]
Q. What sort of commodities were sold there?
A. Nothing but ale and ill wicked wives.
Q. How was it abolished?
A. Because those who went to it once would go to it no more.
Q. For what reason?
A. Because there was no money to be got for them, but fair barter, wife for wife, and he who put away a wife for one fault got a wife with two as bad.
Q. What was the reason that in those days, a man could put away his wife for pissing the bed, and not for sh——g it?
A. Because he could shute it away with his foot and ly down.
Q. What is the reason now a-days, that men court cast marry, and re-marry so many wives, and only but one in public at last?
A. Because private marriage is become as common as smuggling and cuckolding the kirk no more thought of than a man to ride a mile or two upon his neighbour’s mare, men get will and wale of wives, the best portion, and properest person is preferred, the first left the weak to the worst, and she whom he does not love, he shutes away with his foot, and lies down with whom he pleases.
Q. How will you know the bairns of our towns by all others in the kingdom?
A. By their ill-breeding, and bad manners.
Q. What is their behaviour?
A. If you ask them a question in civility, if it were but the road to the next town, they’ll tell you to follow your nose, and if you go wrong curse the guide.
Q. Are young and old of them no better?
A. All the odds lies in the difference, for if you ask a child to whom he belongs, or who is his father, he’ll tell you to kiss his father’s a—.
Q. What sort of creatures is kindliest when they meet?
A. None can exceed the kindness of dogs when they meet in a market.
Q. And what is collie’s kindness there?
A. First, they kiss others mouths and noses, smell all about, and last of all, they are so kind as to kiss others below the tail.
Q. What is the coldest part of a dog?
A. His nose.
Q. What is the coldest part of a man?
A. His knees.
Q. What is the coldest part of a woman?
A. The back parts of her body.
Q. What is the reason, that these three parts of man, woman, and dogs, are coldest?
A. Fabulous historian say that there was three little holes in Noah’s Ark, and that the dog stopt his nose in one, and the other the man put his knee in it, a third and biggest hole broke, the woman bang’d her backside in it and these parts being exposed to the cold blast, make them always cold ever since.
Q. And what does the women do to warm their cold parts?
A. The married women turn their backsides to the goodman’s belly; virgins and those going mad for marriage the heat of their maidenhead keeps them warm, old matrons, whirl’d o’er maidens, widow and widows bewitch’d hold up their coldest parts to the fire.
Q. And what remedy does the poor dog take for his cold nose?
A. Stops it below his tail the hottest bit in his body.
Q. What is the reason the dogs are worst on the chapmen, than on other strange people?
A. It is said the dogs have three accusations against the chapmen, handed down from father to son, or from one generation of dogs to another; the first is as old as Æsop the great wit of Babylon, the dog having a lawsuit against the cat, gained the plea, and coming trudging home with the decree below his tail a wicked chapman throwing his ellwan at him, he let it fa’ and so lost all his privileges thereby. The second is, because in old times the chapmen used to buy dogs and kill them for their skins. The third, when a chapman was quarterd in a farmer’s house, that night the dog lost his property the licking the pot.
Q. What creature resembles most a drunken piper?
A. A cat when she sips milk; she always sings, and so does a piper when he drinks good ale.
Q. What is the reason a dog runs twice round about before he ly down?
A. Because he does not know the head of his bed from the foot of it.
Q. What creature resembles most a long lean, ill looking greasy-fac’d lady for pride?
A. None so much as the cat, who is continually spitting in her lufe and rubbing her face, as many of such ladies do the brown leather of their wrinkled chafts.
Q. Amongst what sort of creatures will you observe most of a natural law?
A. The hart and the hind meet at one certain day in the year; the brood goose, lays her first egg on Fasterns Even, old stile; the crows begin to build their nest the first of March old stile; the swans observe matrimony, and if the female die, the male dares not take up with another or the rest will put him to death; all the birds in general join in pairs and keep so; but the dove resembles the adulterer, when the shoe-one turns old, he puts her away, and takes another; the locusts observe military order, and march in bands; the frogs resemble pipers and preachers, for the young ride the old to death.
Q. Who are the merriest and heartiest people in the world?
A. The sailors, for they’ll be singing and cursing one another when the waves, their graves, are going over their heads.
Q. Which are the disorderliest creatures in battle?
A. Cows and dogs for they all fall on them that are neath-most.
Q. Who are the vainest sort of people in the world?
A. A barber, a tailor, a young soldier, and a poor dominie.
Q. What is the great cause of the barber’s vanity?
A. His being admitted to trim noblemen’s chafts, thyke their sculls, take kings by the nose, and hold a razor to his very throat, which no other subject else dare do.
Q. What is the great cause of the tailor’s pride?
A. His making of peoples new clothes, of which every person, young and old is proud of, then who can walk in a vainer shew than a tailor carrying home a gentleman’s clothes.
Q. What is the cause of a young soldier’s pride?
A. When he lists, he thinks he is free from his mother’s correction, the hard usage of a bad master, has a liberty to curse, swear, whore, and do every thing; until he be convinced by four halberts and the drummer’s whip that he has now got both a military and civil law above his head, and perhaps worse masters than ever.
Q. What is the cause of the poor dominie’s pride?
A. As he is a teacher of the young and ignorant, he supposes no man knows what he knows, the boys call him master therefore he thinks himself a great man.
Q. What sort of a song is it that is sung without a tongue, and its notes are understood by people of all nations?
A. It is a fart which every person knows to be but wind.
Q. What is the reason that young people are vain, giddy-headed, and airy, and not so humble as the children of former years?
A. Because they are brought up and educat after a more haughty strain, by reading fables, plays, novels, and romances; gospel books, such as the psalm-book, proverbs, and the catechisms are like old almanacks; nothing in vogue, but fiddle, flute, Troy and Babylonish tunes; our plain English corrupted with beauish cants, dont, wont, nen, and ken, a jargon worse than the Yorkshire dialect.[162]
Q. Why is swearing become so common amongst the Scot people?
A. Because so many lofty teachers come from the south amongst us, where swearing is practised in its true grammatical perfection, hot oaths, new struck, with as bright a lustre as a new quarter guinea.
Q. How will you know the bones of a mason’s mare at the back of a dyke amongst the bones of a hundred dead horses.
A. Because it is made of wood.
Q. Which are the two things not to be spared, but not to be abused.
A. A soldier’s coat, and a hired horse.[163]
Q. How is a man in debt like a nobleman?
A. Because he has many to wait on and call for him.
Q. How is swearing like a shabby coat?
A. Because it is a bad habit.
Q. How is a bad pen like a wicked and profligate man?
A. Because it wants mending.
Q. Why is a church bell like a story that is handed about?
A. Because it is often toll’d.
Q. What is a man like that is in the midst of a river and cannot swim?
A. He is like to be drowned.
Q. Why is a drawn tooth like a thing that is forgot?
A. Because it is out of one’s head.
Q. Why is a book like a tree?
A. Because it is full of leaves.
Q. Why is a good sermon like a plump pudding?
A. Because there is reasons in it.
Q. How is a whorish woman like a charitable person?
A. Because she brings her husband to a piece of bread.[164]
Q. How is a lawyer like a contentious person?
A. Because he breeds wrangling and jangling.
Q. Who is the greatest fool in the world?
A. A whore; for she hazards soul and body for a miserable livelihood.
Q. Who are the two greatest thieves in Great Britain?
A. Tea and Tobacco, for they pick the pockets of the whole nation.
Q. What is the difference between Ale-drapers and Linen-drapers?
A. Only this, the one cheats you with froth and the other with cloth.
Q. If Extortioners cannot enter the Kingdom of Heaven, where will Usurers, Tallymen, and Pawn-brokers go?
A. The same road with Extortioners.
Q. What is the consequence of immoderate gaming?
A. By cards and dice, a man is ruin’d in a trice, for gaming and whoring often hang together.
Q. What employments are likest to one another?
A. Soldiers and Butchers are bloody near relations, for they both live by slaughtering and killing.
Q. What are the two hardest things to be found, and yet they are both good in their kind?
A. Good women and good small beer.
Q. Who is the likest to a Boatman?
A. An hypocrite, who always look one way and rows another, in all his transactions.
Q. What are the five greatest rarities to be found in the world?
A. A black Swan, a Phœnix, an Unicorn, the Philosophers’ Stone, and a maiden at sixteen.
Q. What is the greatest folly that sensible people can be guilty of?
A. To go to law about trifles, for whatever way the plea end, the lawyers will be the greatest gainers.
Q. Who has the honestest trade in the world?
A. Ballad-singers; for they always deal with ready-money: and it is as ancient as the Siege of Troy, for Homer was a ballad-singer.
Q. What is the surest method for one to become both rich and respectable?
A. To be sober and industrious.
Q. What is the best method of overcoming the argument of a positive person?
A. Either to say with him, or give him no answer.
Q. What is the wisest course to be followed by a man who has a brawling and scolding wife?
A. To keep silent, and then she’ll bite her own fingers with anger.
Q. What thing is that which is lengthened by being cut at both ends?
A. A Ditch.
Q. What is that which was born without a soul, lived and had a soul, yet died without a soul?
A. The whale that swallowed Jona.
Q. What is the longest and the shortest thing in the world? the swiftest and the slowest? the most indivisible and the most extended? the least valued and the most regretted? without which nothing can be done? which devours all that is small, yet gives life and spirit to all that is great?
A. Time.
Q. What creatures are those which appear closely connected, yet upon examination are found to be three distinct bodies, with eight legs, five on one side, and three on the other; three mouths, two straight forwards, and the third on one side; six eyes, four on one side, two on the other: six ears, four on one side, and two on the other?
A. A Man and Woman on horseback.
Q. Why is a churchyard like an inn?
A. Because it receives weary travellers.
Q. Why is a carrotty[165] lady like a troop of soldiers?
A. Because she bears fire-locks.
Q. What did Adam first set in the garden of Eden?
A. His foot.
Q. How is it that a clergyman’s horse is like a King?
A. Because he is guided by a minister.
Q. What is the difference between a boiled sheep’s head and a sheep’s head boiled?
A. In the first the sheep is boiled and in the last the head is boiled.
Q. What kind of snuff is that, the more that is taken the fuller the box is?
A. It is the snuff off the candle.
Q. What relation is that child to its own father who is not its father’ own son?
A. Surely his daughter.
Q. What is that which is often brought to table, always cut, but never eaten?
A. A pack of cards.
Q. Where was Peter when his candle went out?
A. He was in the dark.
Q. What relation is your uncle’s brother to you who is not your uncle?
A. He must be your father.
Q. What difference is there between twice five and twenty and twice twenty five?
A. The former is 30, the latter is 50.
Q. Why is a brewer’s horse like a tap-ster?
A. Because they draw drafts of drink.
END OF THE CARICHES.
THE COMICAL SAYINGS OF PADY FROM CORK.
[The text here followed is that of an edition in the possession of Matthew Shields, Esq. The full title is:—‘The Comical Sayings of Pady from Cork, with his coat button’d behind. Being an Elegant Conference between English Tom and Irish Teague: With Pady’s Catechism, his Opinion of Purgatory, the State of the dead; and his Supplication when a Mountain Sailor. To which is added, a Creed for all Romish Believers. In all its parts, carefully corrected. Glasgow, Printed by J. & M. Robertson, (No. 18.) Saltmarket, 1807.’ It is a 24 pp. 12mo. Pady’s Catechism and petition, and the Creed, have been collated with the versions of them given in the 1777 edition of Lothian Tom. See prefatory note to that chap-book at p. 66 of the present volume, and also footnote at p. 84.]
THE COMICAL SAYINGS OF PADY FROM CORK.