MY OWN STRUGGLES AND VICTORIES
Now I wish to add just a few thoughts more in conclusion. All people do not receive this glorious experience in just the same way, or always manifest it as did my father. It was not my privilege at the time of my conversion to have the great flood of good feelings that he enjoyed; but instead I let my faith waver, and shortly after being saved I became seriously troubled with doubts and accusations. Just after my father had been rejoicing so happily, the devil almost crushed me with the thought that perhaps, after all, I had never been saved, as I had never realized such an experience as he had realized.
Could it be possible, I thought, that even though I have been so burdened for my father and have prayed so earnestly for him that I am not saved and never have been? The very thought almost made me faint-hearted. Then I remembered that the minister and others had confidence in me, and I knew that my life was completely changed, as I had really lost the desire for worldly pleasure, which I once so much enjoyed, and had become interested in the things of God. In reading my Bible, I saw that my life measured to its teachings so far as I understood. Therefore I took courage and tried to banish these accusations and leave my case with God.
But the enemy did not forget me, and it seemed that I should be drawn back into his whirlpool of doubts in spite of myself, more especially as I listened to my father in the next few weeks telling others about salvation. It was evident that he thought every one must obtain an experience of salvation in the same manner that he obtained it. My case was so different that finally I could suppress my feelings no longer, and boldly confessed to him one day that my experience was not like his and that if it ought to be I was not saved. Never shall I forget that moment. It meant so much to me. I wondered if he would lose confidence in my profession and if it was really true, and if it could possibly be true, that I was yet unsaved. These serious questionings were soon banished from my mind, for he looked at me and said, "Daughter, I know you are saved. Your life has proved it." Thank God, he did not doubt it; so I took courage and with a mighty effort put the accuser to flight again.
This experience was good for my father, as it had a tendency to balance him so that he would not be too exacting with others. Since that time other members of our family have sought God for the pardon of their sins, and with some of them the new life came in a calm, peaceful way, rather than with such emotional manifestations. The leadings of the Lord are wonderful, and the riches of his grace in the Christian life are inexhaustible.