H.M.I.: Some Passages in the Life of One of H.M. Inspectors of Schools

by E. M. Sneyd-Kynnersley

FOOTNOTES:

[33] Before the Act of 1891 children paid “school-pence,” from 1d. to 9d. a week. The Act provided for a Treasury grant of 10s. per head for each child, say 3d. a week, on condition that the school fees were reduced by that amount. Thus children paying not more than 3d. a week were relieved of all charge, and the managers were assured of a moderate income.

[34] “The stone which the builders rejected, the same is become the head of the corner.”

[35] “This is the Lord’s doing, and it is marvellous in our eyes.”

[36] See Manning’s Life, vol. ii, pp. 695-6 notes (first edition).

[37] See Manning’s Life, vol. ii, p. 574.

CHAPTER XXII
ERRATA

“In whom the dear Errata column
Is the best page in all the volume.”
T. Moore.

Apologia: I am doubtful whether this record of human error should be published here. Out of every possible hundred readers must be deducted (1) teachers and examiners who are satiated with errata and have ceased to be amused; (2) those who, like the benevolent critic of the “Rejected Addresses,” think some of the answers very good, and do not see why they should be rejected; (3) those who require a surgical operation before they can be made to see any humour in error. Yet there is a remnant, and for the remnant’s sake let the chapter stand. The rest may skip.

“You must get very amusing answers from the children in school, do you not?”

This was a favourite opening at lunch or dinner, when my neighbour had found out my profession. I have usually replied that if I asked a silly question, I was likely to get a silly answer: if I asked a sensible question, and put it in plain English, understanded of the people, the chances of amusement were few. By long experience one gets to know the way in which children reason, and any neglect of caution might lead to dreadful results.

For instance, there was my old friend, the Rev. Mr. Playne. He was inspecting a school that I knew well, and was led by some word in the reading lesson to enquire about professions.

“What am I?” he asked.

“A mon.”

“Yes, a man; but the Vicar is a man, and the Master is a man: what sort of man am I?”

“A very hugly one,” was the answer, and the line of examination was changed.

One should not lay oneself open to crushing rejoinders. I too have been crushed, and I rashly told the piteous tale to a lady at dinner, thinking to meet with sympathy. She contributed as much of the story as she could remember to a newspaper; whence it was pirated by a compiler of “Railway Jests,” and the mutilated fragment was shown to me by a teacher after some years.

I also was hearing a class read, and we came to the word “Pilgrim.” What, I asked, was a pilgrim?

A. “A man that goos about from place to place.”

Q. “But I go about from place to place: am I a pilgrim?”

A. “No: ’ee’s a good mon.”

And the Vicar remarked sotto voce, “That’s one for you.”

Also one is very likely to get strange answers if the question soars above the children’s comprehension. In another school the children were reading from their own school-books a great speech by John Bright, in which occurred the mystic words, “Urim and Thummim.” I asked the meaning, and the Rector, an eminent scholar and divine, whispered that he didn’t know: to which I replied with the same secrecy, that I didn’t know, but that as the words came in the school-book, the children were bound to have a theory. They supplied two: (1) “When a man hev a lot of property left un:” (2) “When the postman come to the door.” The interpretation would have baffled Daniel, but the Rector suggested that “thumping” was the clue: thumping legacy, thumping at the door.

It was a similar sudden strain that produced from a Norfolk child the definition of a philosopher: “a little thing with two wheels what you ride about on.” Velocipedes were more common than philosophers in those days.

But the safest path to comedy was to ask a thoroughly silly question, and to get answered according to one’s folly. It was, I remember, in what I may call the “Urim and Thummim” school, that while I was examining the children, the Rector was revising a heap of divinity examination papers from the training colleges. I heard a sudden guffaw, and begged that I might have the joke, while it was still warm. The question was, “What do we know of the antecedents of the man at the Pool of Bethesda?” And the appropriate answer was, “It is clear that his antecedents either were dead, or had grossly neglected him.”

Fool meets fool. But this rash style of question is more common in oral examinations, and as one learns wisdom, comedy decreases. Twice a year, however, our work changed, and a great mass of examination papers poured in from the training colleges and other centres. The various subjects were allotted, as a rule, according to our previously declared wishes, and I took Geography, or History, with an occasional lapse into English Grammar and Literature. Year after year I used to jot down on an old atlas, or on the blank pages of a cheap history manual, as the case might be, the best jokes of the batch, and the accumulated treasures lie before me.

For the information of the outside world it must be premised, that most of the candidates prepared for the examination in Geography and History by learning by heart wretched text-books put into their hands by their head-teachers. When the examination paper was laid before them, they at once wrote down such paragraphs or pages as seemed to meet the emergency.

“But though they wrote them all by rote,
They could not write them right,”

as the admirable Cambridge bard sang. Moreover, having from long experience unbounded confidence in the leniency of H.M.I., they had no doubt that “their acts would receive the most favourable construction”; and if they could not remember the right page, they offered another very nice article, much superior to the one asked for; as if it were a patent pill; and they expected equal treatment for the changeling. An account of Richard II. might be out of stock, or at least they could not lay their hands on it: but surely an examiner would give some marks for a biography of Richard III., with special reference to the murder of the little Princes. A map of Africa (our own brand) was surely as good as the demanded map of S. America: and if the man who asked for a list of the exports of British India were not satisfied with a highly imaginative list of the imports, at least he would not take off any marks from the other questions.

This is the only explanation of the two following answers.[38] It will be seen that the former excels in ignorance, the latter in irrelevance:

(1) Q. Give a short account of the way in which Great Britain became the chief power in N. America from 1607 to 1763.

A. Queen Elizabeth was reigning in the year 1607. She ruled for a long time, and was a very prosperous queen. Leicester was her favourite for a long time, she was a very changable women, and no one remained in her favour for a very long time. It was in her reign that the war started in N. America. After Q. Elizabeth came her sister Queen Anne and William Prince of Orange. Anne reigned with William six years. After her death William reigned for 7 years. He called his parliament and got together a lot of money with which he again renewed the war in N. America in which he was very successful. George III. was the next to reign being the grandson of Q. Elizabeth. He continued the war that Elizabeth had begun and kept the war on till he had conquered the whole of N. America.

(2) Q. What possessions in Europe have English sovereigns held? How have such possessions influenced English History?

A. India is a possession that makes a great deal of difference or will do to English History. The late Q. Victoria was made Empress of India. It is a very large country and not a very healthy one. The natives do not produce enough food in their own country and very often they have a famine there. About 3 years ago they had a famine there and the English people sent out a lot of food for them.

(Note: She has written seventy-seven words without approaching Europe.)

Other strange customs and beliefs were noted annually. It was not thought correct in geography, or in history, to mention India without referring to the Black Hole of Calcutta: and indeed this popular incident might be introduced anywhere on an emergency. Here are some instances:

(1) By the treaty of Utrecht the English gained a good many battles. They gained the entry through the Mediterranean sea, and also opened trade to the Americans. These battles were mostly all won by Bute viz. The battles of Vicissico, Maschuerits, Passaro and Vico Vosa. The former being assisted by Marlborough who was one of the chief persuaders of Queen Anne 1702. Bute though he tried his utmost to make things successful he was hung by the vengence of the people. The previous wars led to the Indian Mutiny where a great many of our soldiers were ill-treated (known as the Blackhole affair at Calcutta). This affair proving successful now was very sad at first.

(2) The Crimean war took place in 1704. In this war there were thousands of them killed but the victory rested with the English. The people were put into prison or the Black Hole as it was called and then they were left to die. The heat of the day was so great and there was no place to let air in, therefore they became romantic with thirst and died in the morning only 27 remained alive.

(3) Q. What is the Mutiny Act?

A. The Mutiny Act was an Act passed by the Government in 1857 to put an end to the atrocious crimes that were being carried on in India. It was during this year that 186 persons were confined in the Black Hole of Calcutta.

This method of learning history not only blends wars, disasters, and centuries: it compounds and confounds men. Wellington and Nelson unite to make one heroic figure, and at times borrow traits from others:

(1) The Duke of Wellington most of the Irishmen claim him as one of their nationality, he was able to lead the whole of the British army into Hyde Park, and lead them out of it again, he won many battles by sea and in the last and greatest of these the Great Duke fell, some of his officers wishing him not to dress in his uniform on this occasion his last words were Thank God I have done my duty. He was carried by his men from the post of duty in their arms to the cabin below.

(2) When quite young Wellington entered the king’s kitchen but after a while he showed signs of wanting to join the regiment the king therefore ordered him to the regulars where he was not very long before he showed great skill in all military work. He served on the sea and was afterwards sent to France where he gained the famous victory at Waterloo. He was also present in the Crimean war and was once sent to India to dispel some rioters in the Indian Mutiny; &c., &c.

Here Nelson escapes from the Duke and blends with Wolfe:

(3) While (Nelson) was suffering from the wound some of the British soldiers exclaimed they run they run at which Nelson cried Who run and when told he gave his last orders to Hardy: &c. &c.

And here the Duke escapes from Nelson and becomes Elizabethan:

(4) Q. State what you know about the Spanish Armada.

A. The war of the Spanish Armada was fought on the sea, at which the English had a great many great and important ships of war and most important naval commanders such as the Duke of Wellington. The war was with the French with whom the English Spanish and Portuguese went to fight against. The Duke of Wellington was afterwards made a great general. God gave wisdom to our general and success to a good cause. The Portuguese afterwards sent him his portrait and underneath it was written Invincable Wellington from grateful Portugal. But the Duke being asked for a copy of the print by a friend before he sent it scored out the word invincable and underneath it wrote Dont halloo till you are out of the wood which showed the Duke’s good sense.

It is difficult to remember at the end of this long story that the original theme was the Armada. In the next example Wellington seems to be confused with Bacon, as well as with Nelson:

Duke of Wellington was a great English general. He was the commander of the English fleet during the Peninsular war, and won the following battles Assaye &c., and greatest of all the Battle of Waterloo. He was however charged with bribery after serving in Parliament a few years he retired to his country residence where he died.

No one suffered so much from this blending method as the strange trio, Sir Thomas More, Sir John Moore, and Thomas Moore, the poet. Here all three appear:

Q. Who was Sir Thomas More?

A. Sir Thomas Moore was noted as a poet, a statesman and a soldier. He was killed at the battle of Corunna.

Here two of the party are curiously mixed up with Henry de Bohun:

Sir Thomas More was a general in the English army. he was killed in the battle of Bannockburn and buried in the dead of night.

This needs no comment:

The battle of Trafalgar commenced in the year 1705, when two celebrated persons met with their death namely Sir John Moore and John Jervis. Sir John Moore was a poet and the author of many celebrated pieces of poetry.

John Hampden, the Hampton Court Conference, the Five Members, and the Seven Bishops are a strangely assorted group:

(1) Hampton Court Conference. This conference took place in Charles II’s reign: he wanted to compel the bishops and clergy to believe in several articles he had drawn up. If they did not agree before the feast which took place in a few days they were to be expelled from their livings. The night before the feast seven bishops headed by John Hampton presented themselves before Charles with a millenary roll with several thousand names on begging them to be excused from his unjust demands.

(Note: I think “the feast” was not a banquet, but the Feast of St. Bartholomew: so that Charles II., James I. and James II. are implicated.)

(2) Hampton Court Conference was passed in the year 1783. It was in the reign of Charles. This was drawn up by 6 bishops and brought to the King to be signed. When the King saw this he flew into a terrible rage and would not sign it. This was awked about the streets, and all the people were anxious to buy one.

(3) Blake is known in history as being one of the seven Bishops who lived in the reign of James II. These seven Bishops among whom was Blake had offended their king. When brought to trial he Blake was not present, they had altogether hidden themselves, but however they did appear. The day was in their favour and they were happily dismissed.

(Note: Some confusion between the Seven Bishops, and the Five Members; Bishop Lake of Chichester, and Admiral Blake.)

It is evident that the acquaintance which such candidates had with English history was limited: but one would think it safe to ask pupil-teachers, aged 18-20, or assistant teachers, aged 20-30, about the Young Pretender. These were the results of rash confidence on the part of an optimist examiner:

Q. Who was the Young Pretender?

A. (1) The son of Oliver Cromwell.

(2) ... also known as William Pitt.

(3) The son of Edward VI the old Pretender. So called because he pretended to be the little Earl of Warwick. Some people believed is story but more than half the people disbelieved him. He was tried and executed.

(4) Warren Hastings was known as the Old Pretender. The Duchess of Burgundy helped him.

(5) ... was Prince Charles Edward who claimed to be one of the little Princes murdered in the Tower. He was found to be a deceiver, and was put into the king’s kitchen to work.

(6) The son of the old Pretender William Pitt, who was a claimant to the throne in George 3’s time. He was one of the greatest statesmen that ever lived. He was created Earl of Orford.

(7) [He] was quite harmless as may be seen from the way in which he suffered himself to be hid by the maid in Scotland.

Again the examiner might suppose that all students of English history had some knowledge of the Jacobite movements of 1715 and 1745; but the following would open his eyes:

(1) Jacobites were originally followers of Jacob who went about in various parts of the country for preaching purposes.

(2) Jacobite was the name given to the followers of Jackade. Jackade was a person who pretended to be Duke of York. he marched through London at the head of 6000 men: he went to Ireland and tried to deceive them his followers were called Jacobites and Jacobin was the name given to his government.

(The two next may need a note: they refer to the Rebecca Riots in Wales, blended with Jacob, son of Rebekah. I think Rebekah had no daughter.)

(3) They called themselves Jacobites from a passage in Scripture about Jacob which passage they considered applicable to their own case. Their object was to do away with the tolls at turn-pike gates and they went to the root of the matter and destroyed the gates themselves.

(4) The Jacobites from the word Jacabus means James. The people of this rebellion dressed themselves in a very odd fashion their dress being like Rebeckah’s daughter of old. They were however subdued.

A friend brilliantly suggests that Jonadab, the son of Rechab, and the Rechabites have been blended with Jacob, the Jacobites, Rebekah, and Rebecca. I gratefully agree.

There were some candidates to whom the politics of George III.’s reign were by no means clear:

Q. What effect had the French Revolution on Pitt, Fox, and Burke?

A. (1) The French Revolution led to such an extraordinary amount of work on Pitt, who was then Prime Minister that he was overtaxed, and could not contend against it therefore he resigned and led a life of seclusion. Burke who was a great writer overtaxed his mind with writing about the Revolution that he became partially insane. Fox was noted for writing his celebrated Book of Martyrs about this time, he also was forced to lead a life of seclusion on account of worry, and anxiety of the revolution.

(2) Pitt and Fox were great rivals in the House. Burke was in France. The Revolution occurred in 1857, and these three men who were clever and had a lot of foresight banded themselves together so that they could be able to quell any signs of a rebellion in England. They all saw what a lot of mischief had been done in France, and thought it wise though differing in politics to be on the safe side.

(3) Pitt, Burke, and Fox were strongly opposed to the French Revolution, they foretold what would happen but the remainder of Parliament would heed their warnings. Pitt rose from his sick bed and ministered unto them but to no effect.

(Note: The reader will have some difficulty in awarding the prize among the last batch. Fox, the religious writer; Pitt, the ministering angel: these are two great conceptions.)

Now we come more clearly to another form of idiocy, the Happy Conjecture; which enables a candidate wholly ignorant of the matter in hand to evolve an answer of considerable length out of some familiar word in the question. Here is an illustration. In 1641 a Bill was introduced “for the utter abolition of Archbishops, Bishops, Deans, &c.,” and a forcible epigrammatist of that day called it the “Root and Branch Bill.” In 1901 an inquisitive examiner put in the History paper: “What was the Root and Branch Bill?” “Root?” said the candidates; “Branch?” said they: “it can do no harm ... here goes:”

(1) It was passed so that no one could cut down the trees or take the wood without the permission of the king.

(2) A bill dealing with the root of the matter, and certain branches relating to it.

(3) It was drawn up The Root to represent the whole of the crown money and the branch part of it the loans and money added to the crown money.

(4) A Bill that was made to shield the Presbyterians from the Protestant community.

(Note: In No. 4 which was the Root?)

In the same paper they were asked to explain the term “Villeins”; and in like manner they said to themselves “‘villains,’ archaic spelling, pedantic examiner” and they conjectured; one as an indignant Dissenter, another as a bigoted Churchman, a third as an undenominational idiot:

(1) Men who committed dastardly and vile tricks. Many of them were becoming clergymen in the reign of Henry II it will be remembered until it was decided that they should be tried by the King’s Court. This of course stopped their treacherous games.

(2) The villein was religious rising, the people in this rising were called Villeins, they did not believe in Baptism, Holy Communion, and Confirmation.

(3) A villein was a person who was ordered to do some cruel deed. He was generally paid very dearly for doing so. A good example of villeins is seen in the case of the murder of the two princes in the Tower.

All these pale before the brilliancy of the reply to the following fearful question:

Q. How was the Coalition Ministry of 1783 formed? Name the most prominent Members. What causes led to its fall?

My candidate came from the Lancashire coalfield, near the Bridgwater Canal. “Coal-ition,” she said, and she read her title clear, with the aid of local knowledge:

A. During the year 1783 Mr. Brindle and Mr. —— cut a canal from Worsley to Manchester so that the people of Manchester could have coal much cheaper than they were having. When the time came for opening the canal Mr. Brindle ran away and hid himself. It turned out to be a great success and it has proved to be very useful to Manchester people till lately. Coal is now much cheaper and there are so many coalpits round the district that it is much cheaper getting coal nearer home.

Here are some miscellaneous blends:

(1) (Character of Henry VIII.) Of a sour and hasty disposition he was not long in wreaking his vengeance upon those who should happen to fall under his displeasure, e. g. Wolsey, who incurred Henry’s displeasure by not taking his part in a quarrel the king had with the clergy through a hasty speech of the king, who in an angry moment exclaimed have I no one to rid me of this low-born priest. This caused four Norman knights who heard the king say this to set off at once to Canterbury Cathedral to murder the man Wolsey on the spot.

(2) (The Pilgrim Fathers.) A number of men who set out on foot for the Holy Land travelling night and day on foot were called the Pilgrim Fathers, because they were thought Christians if they travelled and denied themselves every comfort. It was the Pilgrim Fathers who kept sacred the cutting of the miseltoe from the oak, the keeping up of Christmas, Good Friday, and such like.

(3) Q. What do you know of Anselm?

A. Anselm Archbishop of Canterbury was imprisoned by William II. He escaped from prison by the aid of a coil of rope sent to him concealed in a bottle of wine.

(Note: In the second of the above three answers the last sentence puzzles me. I am inclined to suggest “Puritans” for “Pilgrim Fathers,” and “denounced” for “kept sacred.” The third answer gave me much trouble, but patient search showed that Henry II. (not William) imprisoned Flambard (not Anselm, and no Bishop) and that the rope was hidden in a jar (not a bottle).)

(4) Freedom of Trade may be attributed to General Washington who entered the Bristol Channel with a cargo of tea from America which was upset by the English causing a war with the Americans.

(5) Q. Name three Prime Ministers: describe the policy of one of them.

A. Edmund Burke, Walter Scott, Bothwell. Bothwell was a great writer: he wrote about bills and cheques.

(Note: Bothwell and Boswell one knows, though not as Prime Ministers: but it was Byles who wrote on Bills, and it would be strange if the candidate had ever heard of his work.)

(6) Q. Mention with dates any risings in the times of the Tudors.

A. In the rising of Jack Cade he mustered up a large number of rebels who under there desperate leader plundered everything before them, and finally entered London of which they took possession. Cade was slain by Wallworth the Lord Mayor, and the rebels without their leader became so desperate that the king’s life was in danger, but Henry took off his helmet and exclaimed stay I am Henry of Winchester, kill not your king.

(Note: Cade is blended with Wat Tyler, who was killed by Walworth in presence of Richard II.: neither Cade nor Tyler lived in Tudor times. Henry of Winchester, alias Henry III., made his appeal in 1265, nearly 200 years before the first Tudor king.)

Theology is as perplexing as politics: here are some instances:

(1) High Church are the high minded members of the Church of England. They believe in incense, the worshipping of the cross, and many other hideous notions.

(2) The Puritans tried to make a great distinction between the Whigs or Court party and themselves. They wore sober garments indulged in no vices and avoided the Society of the Whigs. Only thing really approved of was sermons.

(3) Strafford and Laud two archbishops in the reign of Henry 8 were impeached for denying the doctrine of transsubstantiation.

(4) Henry VIII. was a very strict Protestant and wished to confirm all Europe. He sent out men as missionaries to preach the gospel and to tell the people of the good the wood receive if they believed it.

The weariness of wading through a thousand of these examination papers was terrible. We were as gold-diggers washing gravel of a poor quality, and we hailed the smallest nugget with shouts of delight. Some of these are small, but to our hungry souls the gold seemed good:

(1) Q. What do you know of Dr. Arnold?

A. Dr. Arnold was hung as a spy by Washington during the American war.

(Note: Blending General Arnold, Dr. Arnold, and Major Andrè.)

(2) The Black Prince died from injuries received by his horse.

(3) John Knox introduced the revival of learning, the steam roller, and the printing press.

(4) Edward III. said he was the dughter of Arabella.

(Note: Meaning to say “the son of Isabella,” blended with Arabella Stuart.)

* (5) James I. was a great Catholic. He was not at all brave. It is said of him that he padded his clothes for fear he would be knocked.

* (6) The Cabinet consists of the Private Secretaries, the Foreign Secretaries, the Colonial Secretaries, and the Poet Laureate.

* (7) Oliver Cromwell called Sept. 14 his lucky day: he died on Sept. 14, but he still called it his lucky day.

* (8) Christianity was introduced into England by Julius Cæsar in 55 B.C.

* (9) The Black Prince got his name from the great disease. (Qu.: Meaning the Black Death?)

* (10) Magna Charter was a very good woman to the poor. Her photograph is on the stained glass windows of the Church of Scotland.

These came from the rich mine of History. Geography was not so auriferous. To drop the metaphor, the candidates were less amusing in Geography, because they were less ignorant. They had learned Geography as children, but as a rule they picked up their notions of History from manuals, compiled by writers of a low grade, dealing chiefly in anecdotes and picturesque phrases. But there were bright moments even in revision of Geography. The simple questions, there as in History, were often the most fruitful. One would think that all pupil teachers, all book readers, and newspaper readers had heard of the equinox, and the Midnight Sun. But look at these answers to demands for explanation of the terms. First the Equinox:

An imaginary line drawn across the sky. Land lying on or near the equator. The axis on which the earth turns. A wind which blows from April to September, they are called Equinoctial gales. When the sun and moon are on the zenith they are said to be in the equinox. A peculiar animal in South America. The part where the earth and sun pass one another. &c., &c.

Then the Midnight Sun:

The sun is visible at midnight from the top of Mount Riga where hotels have been built especially for tourists who go to see the midnight sun.

(Note: This comes of reading Mark Twain on the Rigi sunrise.)

When the sun shines on the northern part of the earth it takes more than one day to get in the shadow of the earth on account of it moving so slowly.

The midnight sun is caused by certain gases igniting in the air. These gases are at rest when apart from each other, but at their joining they light up the whole parts thus occupied by them, and thus give light to all the northern parts of Europe.

That is so scientific that a modest examiner hesitates to give it O: and the next is still more imposing:

Q. “The sun never sets on the British Empire.” Explain this.

A. It is quite true. The British Empire being mostly surrounded by ocean is deprived of the sun’s rays as the water has the greater attraction for it. It is also responsible for this on account of its position from the equator.

And this again throws a new light on things:

Iron is usually mined in the most populated area which seems providential as much labour is attached to its thorough preparation.

It must have been a relative of that candidate, who first noted the providential arrangement by which large rivers always run through large towns.

Even verbal eccentricity was found wonderfully refreshing at times:

(1) The rivers of Queensland being most of the year ... mere poodles.

(2) Amsterdam is built on stilts.

(3) There are immense forests round the shores of the Baltic and tobogganing is a great trade.

(4) Cologne cathedral built in the Elizabethan style of architecture.

Here are some unclassified follies:

(1) A cyclone is an instrument for telling the distance of travelling.

(Note: The candidate must have been surprised to find a cyclometer in a Geography paper.)

(2) Cyclones are the evaporation of volcanoes.

(3) The dingo is a bird with a face like a dog.

(4) (Trees of Australia.) The cow-tree, octopus, and large palms are very plentiful.

(5) The Plateau of Tibet is noted for the Tibet goat. I cannot say whether the goat took its name from the Plateau or the plateau from the goat.

(Note: She would feel the same difficulty about the Skye terrier and the Cheshire cat. Did the cat take its name from the county, or the county from the cat?)

(6) Hong Kong before it came into possession of England consisted of a few shanties and huts: at the present time it consists of mountains, valleys, and rivers.

(7) Rangoon a Prussian seaport on the Baltic so called because it is situated on a Rangoon, salt water lake.

(Note: Take the island of Rügen, the port of Riga in Russia, a lagoon from the Adriatic, and Rangoon in Burmah, and mix.)

English Literature papers seldom came my way. They were very exhausting, for the candidates wrote essays of appalling dreariness, and there were few oases. I have a few samples.

Q. Name the authors of the following works:

Work.		Author.
Ans:	Short Way with Dissenters.	Trolloph.
	Tale of a Tub.	William Wordsworth.
	Rape of the Lock.	Adam Beade.
	Campaign.	Mrs. Browning.
	Rights of Man.	Jessie Fothergill.

The really funny thing about that list is that it is absolutely genuine, and the work of one candidate. And I defy any one to make a better list, trying to be wrong.

This life of Wordsworth is nearly as good:

William Wordsworth was born in Hampshire of poor humble but God fearing parents. They had a very large family and sometimes hardly knew how to make ends meet. They were educated at any ordinary every day school but William had always a taste for poetry and thought he should like to become a poet, and in order to have their son’s wish gratified his parents denied themselves so that he might have books to study and to try to send him to some college. He was a very studious youth and made a very good scholar. He worked very hard at Oxford to try and repay his parents who had now become old for their self-denial on his behalf. He helped them with his purse. He wrote several very simple, and interesting poems and they soon became known. In this way he obtained a very nice livehood. He was a very dutiful son, hard work and painstaking. At school he was liked by his fellow companions for whom he had always a joke ready at hand. Some of his poems are now used in our Elementary schools such as “We are seven.” He was born in the year 1626 and died in 1785 aged 59 years.

(Note: According to the Nat. Biography he was son of an attorney; was born in Cumberland, educated at the Grammar School at Hawkeshead, and at St. John’s, Cambridge. (1780-1850.) But it is agreed that he wrote “We are seven.” The candidate’s subtraction is weak.)

About 1902 some theorist discovered that our pupil teachers were lamentably weak in knowledge of common things, and he persuaded the Board to add a paper on “General Information” to the already heavy list. I at once applied for the office of reviser, on the twofold ground that it would be easy to coach up the answers, and that the wrong answers would be amusing. I soon found that from my point of view the merits of the paper were over-rated; and as the Board found the same thing from their point of view, the paper was dropped. But it provided me with a few gems:

The examiner began with some well-known buildings and places: “Where and what are the following?”

The Forth Bridge.
The Phœnix Park.
The Coliseum.
&c., &c.

A. (1) The Fourth Bridge is so called because it is the last of 4 bridges.

(2) The Forth Bridge is in Venice where the suspects were led by the Counsel of three, and were never heard of afterwards.

(3) The Phœnix Park is in Ireland: so called because of the Phoeneans having been there.

(4) The Phœnix Park scene of the assassination of Mr. Phœnix.

(5) The Phœnix Park is an insurance.

(6) The Coliseum of Rhodes is the form of a great elephant one of the seven wonders of the world.

Then he asked the candidates, the great majority of whom were girls, about dogs, their appearance, and their special uses. One girl said that “the fox terrier runs sideways,” but she did not explain. Another described the “St. Bernard dog renowned for saving snow-hidden wanderers in the Torrid regions.” A third chose “the scavanger dog, a very ungamely dog. It belogs to the Eastern countries all refuse is put out at night and clears it away before morning.”

Lastly, as far as we are concerned, he asked the meaning of the following expressions: “The Green-Eyed Monster,” “the sere and yellow leaf,” “the Thin Red Line,” &c., &c.

The Green Eyed Monster was defined as “indigestion”: according to another it “refers to a whale”: according to a skittish one, “sometimes the headmaster or headmistress of a school appears to be a green-eyed monster in the eyes of her pupils and also teachers sometimes.”

The sere and yellow leaf was “a certain kind of tobacco.”

The thin red line was “The charge at Baraklava headed by Sir Colin Campbell during the Indian Mutiny.”

It was, I think, in another paper, that these quaint views appeared:

Q. What do you understand by a quorum, a minute book, &c.? A. A quorum is a question asked at a meeting which the chairman is unable to answer. A minute book is a book kept, with the exact number of minutes allotted to the speakers at a meeting.

Q. What are the duties of the chairman? A. The chairman performs the doxology.

Q. What remedy would you suggest for burns? A. Stripes of hot vinegar are very affecting.

At the end of many days’ revision of such-like skimble-skamble stuff an inspector wrote: “Complaint is sometimes made that the training colleges do not provide sufficient accommodation for all the applicants, but the plain inference from the perusal of these papers, having due regard to the spelling, the grammar, and the acquaintance with the subject shown by the candidates, is that a kindergarten class in an idiot asylum would be a more fitting place of learning.”

It will have been seen that our Errata are secular. We did not examine in divinity. But twice a year, at one time, I used to meet Diocesan inspectors, who kept large volumes of the most hideous blunders in their own subject. One of these I remember for its exceeding ingenuity. The question was, “What do you mean by ‘a graven image’?” And the answer was “An idle maid with hands.” Now it is clear to my mind that this is not to be regarded as bad spelling; but that the definition had been given orally, and that the impression produced on the child’s mind was that of a naughty girl “as didn’t do no work though she had hands to do it with.” And I think she had heard her father accuse her mother of “doin’ nothink but set theer like a bloomin’ image.” Then she combined the ideas.

To this I would add a delightful blend from a pupil teacher examination:

When the Israelites had gone God told Noah to go out into the city and tell all the Israelites that if King Pharoah did not let the people go he would drown the world. And it came to pass, when God did drown the world, and all the beasts and every living creature in it. During the flood God told Noah to build an ark and it was to float on top of the water. In it save Noah and his family and with the two tables of stone: &c., &c.