Bell’s Hydraulic Cranes.
Owing to the exorbitant avoirdupois of this stupendous work, the ordinary reader cannot consult it in comfort without mechanical assistance. To meet this want Mr. Dumbelley Bell has designed a patent
HYDRAULIC CRANE,
easily attached to the study-table, supplied with motive power from a Bellville boiler in the back kitchen. Terms cash; or on the forty-one years’ hire system.
Miss Louie Freear writes: ‘I do not know where I should have been without your Titan crane. Before you could say knife it had picked up three volumes and hurled them through the drawing-room ceiling. As they seem to be irretrievably stuck in the plaster, will you please send three more. As far as we can tell by a process of simple subtraction they are vols. xiv., xxiii., and lxiv.’
Madame Clara Butt writes: ‘I find it matchless for lifting Mother’s Joy.’
Sir Thomas Lipton, Bart., writes: ‘It is splendid. I really believe it would lift the Cup!’
EXTRACTS FROM VARIOUS ARTICLES
in the New Volumes of the Insidecompletuar Britanniaware
N.B.—These are only portions of the Articles. The Articles are heaps longer.
ADVICE TO EMIGRANTS.
From the Article (80 pages) specially contributed by LADY WARWICK.
Africa.—... This dark yet fascinating continent, which extends from the Cape to Cairo and from the Bight of Benin to the Beit of Park Lane, Africa, the home of the gorilla, the ju-ju, the kopje, and the blockhouse, has recently loomed large in the public eye.... To discuss the recent military operations in view of their masterly treatment by Lady Jeune in another place [see The Boer War, its History and Lessons], would savour of supererogation. It is enough to state here that the women were splendid, especially at the Mount Nelson Hotel. The principal exports of Africa at the present moment are Boer Generals, Reservists, and books on the war. The principal import is Joe....
[The New Volume also contains Articles on COLD STORAGE, ORIEL SCHOLARS, CORDITE, &c.]
THE WILD WEST.
From the Special Article (68 pages) by LORD KELVIN, Mr. CHARLES HAWTREY, and Mrs. CARRIE NATION:
America.—... The Fauna of America is extensive and peculiar. Unlike other civilised countries, dangerous wild beasts and birds of prey are commonly encountered in the most populous districts. Nothing can exceed the ferocity of the Trust Fowl, while whole regions of New York are rendered unsafe by the ravages of the Tammany Bos and the Tammany Tiger. Yet alongside these examples of barbarous atavism, one encounters evidences of singular refinement and humanity. Mr. Roosevelt, though originally a cowboy, has set his face like a flint against the tyranny of the Beef Trust, and only a superficial observer would count Mr. Hay as a man of straw. Furthermore, the humanising influence of American culture is signally displayed by its principal exports, which include, amongst other products, J. Pierpont Morgan, canned peaches, Mr. Duke, duchesses, R. G. Knowles, coon songs, Quaker oats, Tabs, Christian Science, Virginia hams, cocktails, Major Pond, Honeysuckles, Bees, and Edna May....
In the matter of liquid refreshment America has always set a high standard of excellence. As George Washington aptly observed, ‘I care not who makes the laws of this nation so long as their drinks are discreetly mixed.’...
But the supreme boon conferred on the western world by this great Republic has yet to be revealed. All that is best in the present great Thesaurus of Universal Knowledge, the Insidecompletuar Britanniaware; all the electrifying ragtime methods of our scheme of advertisement; all the ‘sideshows’ in this superb and brainy bazaar; are the product of the volcanic and voluptuous Transatlantic imagination....
[The New Volumes also contain articles on LESSER COLUMBUS, MRS. EDDY, and LOOPING THE LOOP.]
THE MORAL INFLUENCE OF THE MOTOR-CAR.
From the Special Article (2 pages) by ALFRED HARMSWORTH, O.M.:
Automobilism.—... No self-respecting editor should possess fewer than six motor-cars, if he has any consideration for the well-being of his staff. Personally I have fifteen—called after my brothers—with a set of costumes and a perfume to match each. Peau de Suède and Parma violets go best with a Panhard; Crêpe de Chine and Patchouli with a Napier; Accordion-pleated nun’s veiling and Sanitas with a Daimler; crocodile skin and Lavender Water with a Serpollet. Great care should also be taken in the choice of a chauffeur. Thus for my new 75 h.p. ‘Mors’ omnibus I have been careful to secure a driver with a veritable death’s head. Much depends also on the timbre and pitch of the horn, and the employment of a short musical phrase or motif as a danger signal to unwary pedestrians has been found to exercise a singularly seductive influence. I may note in conclusion that the exhilaration produced by a quick run is most stimulating to the imagination of the intelligent journalist. In fact it may be laid down as a canon, that the faster one travels the more explosively one writes, and good journalism should be a series of explosions. Automobility is incompatible with senility, and I attribute the perennial youth of my staff to the constant inhalation of the antiseptic fumes of my mechanical stud. Those whom the ‘gods’ applaud must stay or die young....
[See also extract on page 55 from the Article on the TIMES.]