PREFACE
This book presents a grindstone whereon the reader may whet his wits. It is of sufficient hardness to resist the coarsest metal of broad-bladed humor, and of sufficient fineness of grain to edge the best steel of fancy.
Like all grindstones, though its form is new, its ingredients are of remote origin. It has whetted many English and American blades for the battle of ideas, and is, therefore, in places, somewhat worn. There is, however, much absolutely fresh surface.
Any blade of fine temper properly ground upon it is warranted to cleave to the dividing asunder of such subtle distinctions as that between humorsome stupidity and precise wit, and that between the wit of laughter only and the wit of insight.
E. B. O.
INTRODUCTION
A conundrum is a riddle in the form of a question, the answer to which involves a pun. Originally the term was applied to any quaint expression. It is thus, in its modern form, a union of the elaborated riddle and the impromptu pun.
With the earliest development of intelligence came the discovery of likeness and difference in things, and the search for analogy was carried out along both sensible and absurd lines, the latter drifting into a double analogy of thought and form, of which the conundrum is the logical product.
The literatures of all peoples contain the riddle, which might be witty or serious as impulse prompted. All bright and clever minds have seen the possibilities of the pun, and so common is it as an impromptu form of wit among keen people, so general the temptation to fall into it, that it is looked upon with disfavor, as a pitfall for thought, which often prevents it from finishing its course.
The conundrum has, however, an ancient and honorable lineage, and, while not often given its precise form in conversation or anecdote, is readily adapted to the permanent embodiment of those flashes of wit which enlighten and cheer.
The ability to guess and to propound riddles was held in high respect in early times. Men of great physical prowess were expected to guess riddles to prove their mental prowess, and many were the contests of this sort which were held. The stakes in these contests were very high,—often life or honor. In Norse mythology the prize of such a contest was once the daughter of the god Thor; in another the life of the giant Vafthrudnir was forfeit when he failed to win in competition with the god Odin.
So in the old English ballad of the Elfin-knight, a maiden saves herself from an evil spirit by successfully guessing his riddles. Among many primitive peoples the game of riddle-reading was played with opposing sides, each headed by a champion, and with bets staked on the outcome. Often in ballads and folklore the hero's escape from death and final triumph hinge upon the guessing of a riddle.
The Semitic people held in high regard the power to read riddles, and this power, as in the story of Solomon, blends with the higher intelligence which makes for wisdom.
Perhaps the most famous of Hebrew conundrums is that of Samson, the strong of intellect as of body, who, when he found the honey which the wild bees had placed in the carcass of a lion, read to the Philistines this riddle: "Out of the eater came forth meat, and out of the strong came forth sweetness."
Among the Greeks and Romans, as among earlier peoples, all forms of wit and play of word and fancy were tried and popular. D'Israeli, in his "Curiosities of Literature," records that "It is certain that Cicero was an inveterate punster; and he seems to have been more ready with them than with repartees."
The story of the famous riddle of the Sphinx comes down from Greek mythology. The city of Thebes was infested by a monster having the body of a lion and the upper part of a woman. She lay crouching upon a rock near a narrow pass which led to the city, and propounded to all travelers a riddle, allowing all who guessed to pass safely, but killing all who failed. The uniform failure of all who came, and their subsequent slaughter, made great lamentation in the city. Œdipus, the unacknowledged son of the King of Thebes, who had shortly before unknowingly killed his father, undertook to rid the city of the monster. He boldly confronted the Sphinx, who asked him the riddle, "What animal is it that in the morning goes on four feet, at noon on two, and in the evening upon three?" Œdipus replied, "Man, who in childhood creeps on hands and knees, in manhood walks erect, and in old age goes with the aid of a staff."[1] The Sphinx thereupon cast herself from the rock and perished, and the Thebans made Œdipus king.
[1] See Gayley's "Classic Myths in English Literature and in Art" (Boston, Ginn and Company, 1911).
There is one age-old riddle, still current in Brittany, Germany, and Gascony, about which the tradition hovers that Homer died with vexation at not being able to discover the answer. It is, "What we caught we threw away, what we could not catch we kept."
Early folklore riddles dealt with natural phenomena. With the Wolofs the riddle of the wind asks, "What flies forever and rests never?" The Teutonic form was, "What can go in the face of the sun, yet leave no shadow?" The Basutos of South Africa ask: "What is wingless and legless, yet flies fast and cannot be imprisoned?" and answer, "The voice."
The oldest English riddles extant are among the fragments found in "The Exeter Book." These date back to the eighth century and were written in Northumbria. While these are not conundrums in the modern sense, they are very elaborate studies of analogy, and contain some of the most imaginative of Anglo-Saxon poetry.
In the early half of the [seventeenth] century there were published several small books, which contain the sources of many of the conundrums of the present day. These books have been brought together by W. Carew Hazlitt, under the title "Shakespeare's Jest-Books" (London, 1864). The dates of these books are variously 1600, 1630, 1636, and 1639. The form is narrative, with occasional dialogue, and approaches that of the conundrum, and the wit though far from subtle is often effective. Though the names of the authors of some of these books are known, the authorship of others is in doubt. They were to a considerable extent not attributable to one man, but were the bright sayings of the day.
The first chapter of the present volume, entitled "Early English Wit," brings together, in modernized form, some of the brightest of these sayings. The strangest thing about such a collection is to discover of what antiquity some current conundrums are. That is notably true of one taken from "Demaundes Joyous," printed by Wynkyn de Worde in 1511, namely:
"Demaund. How many straws go to a goose's nest?
"A. None, for lack of feet.
Besides the puns which may be made within a language itself, through the variety of meanings of words and the similarity of sound in different words, there is a certain class of hybrid puns and conundrums which is made by the interchange of languages. The following story illustrates this class: A newly appointed and bashful young curate was visiting a young ladies' school in his parish. The ordeal of facing so many blooming young misses was endured until, the class in Virgil having been found ill-prepared and the teacher having requested that the translation be made word for word, he was startled by the declaration made by a pretty young lady, "We kiss him in turn" (Vicissim, in turn), whereupon he ungallantly fled.
When Laud was Archbishop to Charles I, it is related that the Court Jester made the punning grace, "Great praise be to God and little Laud to the Devil," which resulted in his banishment by the Archbishop.
Shakespeare uses the conundrum with a masterly hand, ringing many changes upon it and producing many effects, both grave and gay. An example of the quizzical dialogue which has the wit of the conundrum as its basis, is found in "Twelfth Night," Act I., scene 5:
Clown. Good madonna, why mournest thou?
Olivia. Good fool, for my brother's death.
Clown. I think his soul is in hell, madonna.
Olivia. I know his soul is in heaven, fool.
Clown. The more fool, madonna, to mourn for your brother's soul being in heaven.
While the conundrum ranks as the formal literary representative of the spontaneous pun, the literature of wit is alive with the naked pun in its original state. Pope, Hood, Lamb, and Holmes are the names of some whose punning arraignments of puns and punsters make them at once judges and prisoners at the bar.
Theodore Hook is accredited with the original pun which is the basis of a common conundrum. He bragged that he could make a pun on any subject, and immediately a friend suggested that he make one on the King. "The King is no subject," was the prompt rejoinder.
The poems of Thomas Hood, the "king of punsters," abound in puns, and the sort of wit, subtle or broad, which may be expressed in puns. He was primarily a poet, and manipulated words in a masterly fashion, not letting them deflect his thought. An example of the inevitableness of his punning is found in the poem on "Sally Brown": "They went and told the sexton, and the sexton toll'd the bell."
A friendly contest between Hook and Hood, as to which could make the best pun, resulted in a draw, the efforts of the two men being of equal merit, according to the friend who was called upon to decide.
Alexander Pope, although disapproving of the pun as a trifling form of wit, once challenged his hearers to suggest a word upon which he could not make a pun. The word "keelhauling," meaning to draw a man under a ship, was given by a woman present. "That, Madam," replied Pope, "is indeed putting a man under a hardship."
The incident is told of Charles Lamb that once when in Salisbury Cathedral the constable remarked to him that eight people had dined at the top of the spire; whereupon Lamb remarked that they must be "very sharp set."
The story is told that a man noted for his wit in puns was asked in regard to the writings of Thomas Carlyle if he did not like "to expatiate in such a field?" He replied, "No. I can't get over the stile (style)."
From the riddle or pun it is but a short step to the conundrum, which takes the pun from its purely factitious setting and gives it a general application and a permanent form. It is, when rightly constructed, at once interesting and instructive, teaching as much by negative as by affirmative statement. It embodies the ever new analogies between dissimilar things, and with a language so fertile in idiom as the English aids in its mastery. Used in application to historical and geographical subjects it may serve to fix names and places definitely in memory, as well as facts which but for the humorous interest given to them would be dry and easily forgotten.
There is a certain distinctive flavor to the current conundrums of a period which tells more of the popular interests of the time than anything but a newspaper could. The best conundrums of each period, or those that center around a great event, would make most illuminating historical reading. The opinions of the day are often more clearly expressed in a conundrum than in an essay. It would have been of interest to know what the wits, as well as the historians, said of Napoleon at Waterloo, of the Boston Tea Party, and of Washington and the Continental Congress. Possibly the opinion of posterity would not have differed so widely from that of the wits as from that of the contemporary chroniclers.
John Taylor, whose book, "Wit and Mirth," published in 1630, was one of the oldest and most distinctive original collections, was the forerunner of such punning poets as Hood and Holmes. In the dedication of his book, in order to forestall criticism for the publishing of sayings already well-known, he says: "Because I had many of them (the jests) by relation and heare-say, I am in doubt that some of them may be in print in some other Authors, which I doe assure you is more then I doe know." The authors of all compilations of conundrums in the almost three centuries since have had to make increasingly comprehensive acknowledgment, which the present author here hastens to give, having drawn from the great common sources, as well as from the unpublished current wit of the day.
CONTENTS
ChapterPage
- [Early English Wit]1
- [Mythological Conundrums]18
- [Biblical Conundrums]20
- [Historical Conundrums]30
- [Conundrums of the Civil War Period]38
- [Geographical Conundrums]44
- [Literary Conundrums]52
- [Conundrums of the Alphabet]60
- [General Conundrums]73
- [Charades, Stories, and Contests]183
CHAPTER I
Early English Wit
In the anecdotes, dry remarks, repartees, and posers of this chapter, the sayings of which were current from about 1600 on to the present day, is seen the growth of the modern form of conundrum, which is adhered to largely in the remaining chapters of this book.
A poet was asked where his wits were. "A-wool-gathering," he answered. "No people have more need of it," was the reply.
A good client is like a study gown, which sits in the cold himself to keep his lawyer warm.
"Why do lawyers' clerks write such wide lines?" "It is done to keep the peace. For if the plaintiff should be in one line and the defendant in the next, with the lines too near together, they might perhaps fall together by the ears."
A master spoke in a strain which his servant did not understand. The servant thereupon asked that his master might rather give him blows than such hard words.
What great scholar is this same Finis, because his name is to almost every book?[2]
[2] Hazlitt considers this witticism, found in "Conceits, Clinches, Flashes, and Whimzies" (London, 1639), the earliest of its kind, and calls attention to the discussion as to whether Shakespeare's plays were written by Mr. Preface or Mr. Finis.
A prodigal is like a brush that spends itself to make others go handsome in their clothes.
An antiquary loves everything for being moldy and worm-eaten,—as Dutchmen do cheese.
It was said that a player had "an idle employment of it." "You are mistaken," was the reply, "for his whole life is nothing else but action."
A simple fellow in gay clothes was likened to a cinnamon tree,—because the bark was of more worth than the body.
One asked a favor of a prisoner, saying that he had hitherto found him a fast friend, and hoped he should find him so still.
A scholar who was much given to going abroad, was advised that he put away his cushion, as he would then "sit harder to his study."
It was remarked that "poetry and plain dealing were a couple of handsome wenches." It was replied that "he who weds himself to either of them shall die a beggar."
Why are women so crooked and perverse in their conditions? Because the first woman was made of a crooked thing.
One was advised to marry a little woman, because "of evils the least was to be chosen."
A rich lawyer, whose fortune had been made by the practice of his profession, desired to bequeath a certain sum to the insane asylum of Bedlam. Being questioned why, he replied that he had got his money of mad men, and he would give it to them again.
The trade of tooth drawer is a conscienceless one, because it is "nothing else but to take away those things whereby every man gets his living."
"A vainglorious man" was bragging that his father and uncle had founded a certain hospital. One answered, "'Tis true, but yet know that your father and your uncle were the mere confounders (co-founders) of that hospital you speak of."
It was said that corn was a quarrelsome creature, because it rose by the blade, and fell by the ears with those that cut it.
A tailor was commended for his dexterity, whereupon it was remarked that tailors had their business at their fingers' ends.
Colliers and mine-workers, it was said, should be well acquainted with all the philosophical secrets of the earth, because they had a deeper knowledge of it than any others.
"Of all knaves there's the greatest hope of a cobbler, for though he be never so idle a fellow, yet he is still mending."
"A smith," said one, "is the most pragmatical fellow under the sun, for he hath always many irons in the fire."
The proverb, "Wit bought is better than wit taught," had added to it the comment, "because he that never bought any is but a natural wit," embodying the play on the word "natural," the early name for "fool."
Tall men are the most happy, because they are nearer heaven than other men. They should also be great politicians, because they have extraordinary reach.
Of all soldiers musketeers are the most lazy, for they are always at rest.
It is necessary that some rich men be dunces, because pretenders to learning may get preferment, and good wits will be able to help themselves.
Carpenters are the most civil men because they never do their business without a rule.
A hangman is the most trusty of friends, for, if he once have to do with a man, he will see him hanged before he shall want money or anything else.
Physicians have the best of it. If they do well, the world proclaims it; if ill, the earth covers it.
A man and his wife were fighting. One was asked why he did not part them, and replied, that he "had been better bred than to part man and wife."
Tobacconists (users of tobacco) would endure war well, for they would never be stifled with fire and smoke.
Fiddlers are very unfortunate in their calling, for they never do anything but it is against the hair (fiddlestring).
Smiths are the most irregular of handicrafts men, because they never think that they are better employed than when they are addicted to their vices.
It is no great matter what a drunkard says in his drink, for he never says anything that he can stand to.
"Horse-keepers and ostlers (let the world go which way it will, though there be never so much alteration in times and persons) are still stable men."
A hypocrite is odious to God, to man, and to the devil. God hates him, because he is not what he seems; man hates him, because he seems what he is not; and the devil hates him, because he seems not what he truly is.
Stage players are the most philosophical of men, because they are as content in rags as in robes.
"Roaring gallants" are like peddlers,—they carry their whole estate upon their backs.
An [oculist] is an excellent sleight-of-hand performer; because if he undertakes to cure a blind man, he will so do it that the patient shall see he does it.
He that buys a horse in Smithfield and does not look upon him before he buy him, with a pair of spectacles, makes his horse and himself a pair of sorrowful spectacles for others to look on.
Cobblers must be good men because they set men upright, and are always employed in mending soles.
A wild young gentleman desired to sell his land, and was asked the reason, to which he answered that he hoped to go to heaven, but could not possibly do so until he had forsaken earth.
A drunkard, returning home at night, found his wife hard at her spinning. She reproved him for his ill husbandry, and commended herself for her good housewifery. He replied that she had no great cause to chide, for, as she had been spinning, he came all the way home reeling.
An ignorant drunken surgeon, who killed all patients that came under his hands, boasted that he was a better man than the parson; "For," he said, "your cure maintains but yourself, but my cures maintain all the sextons in the town."
A man by the name of Stone fell off his horse into deep water, from which he struggled, but not without some danger. His companion laughed, and when rebuked, replied that any man would laugh to see a stone swim.
One who had received a threat that another would break his head with a stone, replied, "It is a hard matter to break my head with a stone."
A physician sought to collect a bill due for service to a patient who had died. He was told that it was a work of charity to visit the sick, but if he wanted money so badly the only way was for him to visit the dead, and then he would not want money any more.
The following dialogue took place between two friends: "I love to hear a man talk nonsense." "I know you love to hear yourself talk as well as any man."
A gentleman made some purchases upon trust in a shop, promising the proprietor that he would owe him so much money. The proprietor was for a time content, but when he sought to collect the payment, the gentleman told him that he had not promised to pay him, but had promised to owe him so much money, and that he would not break his promise, as he would have to if he paid the debt.
"What are Shakespeare's works worth, all bound together?" "Not a farthing." "Not worth a farthing? How so?" "His plays are worth a great deal of money, but I never heard that his works are worth anything at all."
A man met his friend riding without boots, and asked him about what business he went. The friend replied that it was a matter of great importance, and that he was in great haste. The man said, "I am afraid that your labor is lost." "Why?" inquired the rider. "Because," was the reply, "you ride of a bootless errand."
Which of the letters of the alphabet are the most authentic on a bill or bond? I O U.
Why do not men and their wives agree better nowadays? Because men are now more learned, and know that "it is false concord that the masculine and feminine gender should agree at all."
A man had the pictures of the five senses stolen from his house, and came to a justice, desiring that the thieves might be bound to the peace. "For what?" asked the justice. "For stealing your pictures?" "Yes," replied the man. "I thought," said the justice, "that you had lost your senses, that you talk so idly."
One in the midst of a crowd of people on the top of the steeple of St. Paul's Church, London, had his pocket picked. "What villains are these," he exclaimed, "to pick a man's pocket in church!" "Nay, sir," said another, "you are but robbed upon the highway."
A scholar was fond of sitting in a study hung around with brown paper, because, he would say, he did sometimes love to sit in a brown study.
"Why are there drums in the wars?" "To stir up the valor of the soldiers." "Strange, for wheresoever the victory falls, the drums are sure to be beaten."
Why does B stand before C? Because a man must B before he can C.
How long is the longest letter in the English alphabet? An L long.
Two men, of whom one was a goldsmith, conspired together to steal a silver bowl. When they had procured it, the goldsmith gilded it over that it might not be known. They were arrested, however, and when the matter came to trial, the judge said, that though the other stole it, yet the guilt of the fact lay upon the goldsmith.
One came upon a sexton making a grave for a great tall fellow by the name of Button, and asked him for whom that extraordinarily long grave was. The sexton answered, that he had made many longer than that, and said it was but a button-hole compared with some graves that he had made.
A man, whose name was You, married a woman of the same name, and was ever after called "Master W."
One was wondering why the people of Æthiopia did not write straight along as the northern people do, and another answered that they wrote under the line, and that was the reason of it.
A dyer, who was an idle drunken fellow, complained to a scholar that he had bad luck in his business, and that usually those things which he took to dye were spoiled. The scholar told him that the only way to have this amended was to reform himself, for he that lived ill could never dye well.
What herb is there that cures all diseases? Thyme.
An upholsterer rebuked his apprentice because he was not nimble enough at his work, and had not his nails and hammer in readiness when he should use them; and said that when he himself was an apprentice he was taught to have his nails at his fingers' ends.
What does that young man deserve who loves always to be in a playhouse? A box.
One expressed surprise that there were so many pickpockets about the streets, notwithstanding that there was a watch at every corner. It was answered that this was all one, for a pickpocket would as gladly meet with a watch as with anything else.
One who was skilled in writing shorthand offered to teach a lawyer's clerk his skill, but the latter thanked him for his offer, and told him that they could not live by making short hand of anything.
A coward related to his friend that one had given him a box upon the ear, but that he, instead of returning the blow, had turned to him the other ear also. The friend replied, "Sure, there was a great fight betwixt you, when blows were given on both sides."
The word Interpreter is derived from Inter-prater, for one that prated betwixt two that spoke several languages.
A company of gentlemen entered a tavern whose sign was the Moon, and called for a quart of sack. The drawer told them that they had none, and that the man in the Moon always drank claret.
A countryman, being asked how a certain river which ran through that country was called, replied, that they never had need to call the river, for it came without calling.
A country fellow who was unaccustomed to paved streets, came to London, and a dog suddenly ran out of one of the houses and came furiously at him. The fellow stooped to pick up a stone to throw at the dog, but finding them all fast rammed or paved into the ground, exclaimed, "What a strange country am I in, where the people tie up the stones, and let the dogs loose!"
A justice of the peace, angry with a pilfering knave, said, "Sirrah, if thou dost not mend thy manner, thou wilt be shortly hanged, or else I will be hanged for thee." The bold knave replied, "I thank your worship for that kind offer, and I beseech your worship not to be out of the way, when I shall have occasion to use you."
A sailor riding from Dover to London on a tired horse, was urged by his companions to ride faster. "I can come no faster," he replied. "Do you not see that I am becalmed?"
Between twelve and one o'clock one asked me what o'clock it was. I answered, "Little or nothing." He demanded what I meant. I replied that, it being not one of the clock, it was to be reckoned or counted for naught, as that which is less than one is little or nothing.
(James the First and his successor created knights profusely for the purpose of raising money. From this fact grew the following conundrum:) Why did a knight take place of a gentleman? Because they were knights nowadays before they were gentlemen.
Why do fat men love their ease so much? Because the soul in a fat body lies soft, and is therefore loath to rise.
Who is he that has a fine wit in jest? A fool in earnest.
One, hearing that a traveler had been on the peak of Teneriffe (which is supposed to be one of the highest hills in the world), asked him why he had not stayed there, for he was sure he would never come so near heaven again.
What countryman is the devil? A Spaniard; for Spaniards, like the devil, trouble the whole world. (1600.)
Musicians may be compared to chameleons, because they live by air.
What countryman is a ploughman? They are all born in Hungary.
Printers are the most lawless men in the kingdom, because they commit faults with license.
Why should men think there is a world in the moon? Because they are lunatic.
(This refers to the book, "A Discovery of a New World," by Bishop Wilkins, which had just appeared in 1638.)
It was asked of one who wore a threadbare coat, whether his coat were not sleepy. "Why do you ask?" queried the owner. "Because," was the reply, "I think it hath not had a nap this seven year."
One remarked "that it was a good fashion that was worn nowadays" (1639), "because the tailors had so contrived that there was little or no waste in a whole suit."
The philosopher's stone had need turn all metals to gold because the study of it turns all a man's gold to other metal.
A Gallant with a galloping wit was mounted upon a running horse toward a town named Tame, within ten miles of Oxford, and, riding at full speed, he met an old man, and asked him, 'Sirrah, is this the way to Tame?' 'Yes, sir,' he replied, 'your horse, I'll warrant you, if he were as wild as the devil.'
"This is a riddle to a fool, methinks,
And seems to want an Œdipus or Sphinx,
But, Reader, in my book I hold it fit[3]
To find you lines, yourself must find you wit."
[3] Sufficient.
CHAPTER II
Mythological Conundrums
Where was Time raised? In the lapse of ages.
How do we know that Jupiter wore very pinching boots? Because we read of his struggles with the tight-uns (Titans).
What great astronomer is like Venus's chariot? Her-shell (Herschell).
Why does a woman residing up a pair of stairs remind you of a goddess? Because she's a second floorer (Flora).
Why is a man looking for the philosopher's stone like Neptune? Because he's a sea-king (a-seeking) what never was.
If all the seas were dried up, what would Neptune say? I really haven't an ocean (a notion).
If a young lady were to wish her father to pull her on the river, what classical name might she mention? You row, pa (Europa).
Why is Orpheus always in bad company? Because you never see him without a lyre.
If the Greeks had pushed Pan into the Bay of Salamis, what would he have been when he came out? A dripping Pan.
What did Io die of? Io-dide of potassium.
When does a lady think her husband a Hercules? When he can't get on without his club.
What girl does Echo think can best answer questions? Ann, sir.
Why was Leander voluntarily drowned? It was through his-whim (his swim) only.
Why is a coach going down a steep hill like St. George? Because it is always drawn with the drag-on.
CHAPTER III
Biblical Conundrums
What three words did Adam use when he introduced himself to Eve, which read backwards and forwards the same? "Madam, I'm Adam."
At what time of day was Adam born? A little before Eve.
Why was the first day of Adam's life the longest? Because it had no Eve.
How were Adam and Eve prevented from gambling? Their pair o' dice (Paradise) was taken away from them.
What stone should have been placed at the gate of Eden after the expulsion? Adamantine (Adam ain't in).
Why did Adam bite the apple Eve gave him? Because he had no knife.
At what time was Adam married? Upon his wedding Eve.
What evidence have we that Adam used sugar? Because he raised Cain.
Who was the first man condemned to hard labor for life? Adam.
Who was first interested in horse racing? Adam—he was the father of the race.
How many apples were eaten in the Garden of Eden? Eve ate, and Adam, too, and the devil won,—eleven in all.
What one word will name the common parent of both beasts and man? A-dam.
What was the first surgical operation performed without the aid of instruments? The extraction of a rib of Adam to be made into a wife.
Why ought Adam to have been perfectly satisfied with his wife? Because she was cut out especially for him.
How did Adam and Eve feel when they left the Garden of Eden? Put out.
Why were the gates of Eden shut after Adam and Eve went out? To keep the dam(p) air out.
What fur did Adam and Eve wear? Bear (bare) skin.
Why had Eve no fear of the measles? Because she'd Adam (had 'em).
For what was Eve made? For Adam's Express Company.
What did Adam first plant in the Garden of Eden? His foot.
Who first introduced walking-sticks? Eve gave Adam a little Cain.
What kind of cottages did Adam's sons prefer? Cottages with eaves (Eves).
Was our mother Eve High or Low Church? Adam thought her Eve-angelical.
What did Adam and Eve do when they got out of Eden? Raised Cain.
Why was Paradise like a cucumber? Because it had a pair-in (paring).
When was the first gambling? When Adam and Eve cast up a Paradise (pair o' dice) for an apple.
When did fruit first begin to swear? When the apple damned the first pair.
Who was the fastest runner in the world? Adam—he was first in the human race.
How long did Cain hate his brother? As long as he was able (Abel).
Why was Cain's murder like the main strength of his leg? Because it was a sin-new.
How can a whipping be ordered for a boy in five Old Testament names? Adam, Seth, Eve, Cain, Abel.
Why is a printing press like the forbidden fruit? Because from it springs a knowledge of good and evil.
What was four weeks old when Cain was born, and is not yet five? The moon.
Who first introduced salt pork into the Navy? Noah, when he took Ham into the ark.
Why was Noah obliged to stoop on entering the ark? Because, although the ark was high, Noah was a higher ark (Hierarch).
In what place did the cock crow so loud that all the world heard him? In the ark.
Which animal took most luggage into the ark, and which the least? The elephant, who had his trunk; while the fox and the cock had only a brush and a comb between them.
Who was the greatest financier of early times? Noah,—he floated his stock when all the world was in liquidation.
Where did Noah strike the first nail in the ark? On the head.
What was Noah busy about in the ark? Preserving pairs.
Where did Noah keep his bees? In the Archives.
How do we know that Noah had beer in the ark? Because the kangaroo went in with hops, and the bear was always Bruin.
What did the cat say when she looked out of the window of the ark? Is that Ararat?
In what order did Noah come from the ark? He came forth.
When did Abraham sleep five in a bed? When he slept with his forefathers.
Why did Joseph's brethren put him in the pit? They thought that it was a good opening for the young man.
Where is the theater mentioned in the Bible? Where Joseph left the family circle and went into the pit.
Who had the first free entrance into a theater? Joseph, when he got into the pit for nothing.
What person in the Bible died a death that no one else ever died—and a part of whose shroud is on every dining table? Lot's wife.
What did Lot do when his wife turned to salt? Got a fresh one.
What scene in the life of Moses, the lawgiver, reminds us of a gladiatorial show at Rome? The bulrushes.
Why was Moses the wickedest man that ever lived? Because he broke all the Ten Commandments at once.
Where are bank checks mentioned in the Bible? Pharaoh got a check on the bank of the Red Sea—crossed by Moses and Co.
Why was Pharaoh's daughter like a broker? Because she drew a little prophet from the rushes on the bank.
What was Pharaoh's chief objection to Moses? He found him more plague than prophet.
How do we know that there was a panic in the early days of Moses? Because there were rushes on the banks of the Nile, and Pharaoh's daughter withdrew a valuable deposit.
Why do we assume that Moses wore a wig? Because sometimes he was seen with Aaron (hair on), and sometimes without.
If you were to throw a white stone into the Red Sea, what would it become? Wet.
Who were the first mathematicians mentioned in the Bible? The Children of Israel, who multiplied upon the face of the earth.
What is the difference between the ancient Israelites and modern washstands? The former had hewers of wood and drawers of water; the latter have ewers of water and drawers of wood.
Why would it be impossible to starve in the desert of Sahara? Because of the sandwiches (sand which is) there.
How did the sandwiches get there? When Ham was sent there with his followers, who were bred (bread) and mustered (mustard), and when Lot's wife was turned into a pillar of salt, all but-ter (but her) went into the desert.
Who was the oldest man that ever lived, yet who died before his father did? Methuselah: his father Enoch did not die, but was translated.
If Richard Jones were milking a cow too quickly, what ancient name would that animal mention? Melchisedek (Milk easy, Dick).
What man had no father? Joshua, the son of Nun.
Who took the first newspapers? Cain took A-Bell's Life, and Joshua countermanded the Sun.
Why was the giant Goliath very much astonished when David hit him with a stone? Because such a thing had never entered his head before.
How many soft-boiled eggs could the giant Goliath eat upon an empty stomach? One, after which his stomach was not empty.
What ancient king was often literally in his contemporaries' mouth? Agag.
What is the difference between Solomon and Rothschild? The one was king of the Jews, the other Jew of the kings.
Where did the Witch of Endor live—and end-her days? At Endor.
Who was hanged for not wearing a wig? Absalom.
In what tongue did Balaam's donkey speak? Probably in he-bray-ic.
Why would Samson have made an excellent actor? Because he could so easily bring down the house.
Why is the glass I drank out of yesterday like Nebuchadnezzar in his debased condition? Because it was my tumbler (might humbler).
What is the difference between Nineveh and a donkey-boy? One is in Assyria, the other is an ass-hurryer.
Who was the first unfortunate speculator? Jonah, because he got taken in.
What did the whale gain in the little transaction between him and Jonah? The whale got all the prophet.
Why was the whale which swallowed Jonah like a milkman who has retired on an independence? Because he took a great profit (prophet) out of the water.
How did Jonah feel when the whale was going to swallow him? Down in the mouth—as if he was going to blubber.
What divine law did the whale obey when he swallowed Jonah? Jonah was a stranger and he took him in.
Who was Jonah's tutor? The whale that brought him up.
Wherein did the prophet Jonah differ from the modern theologians? Because while he disagreed with the whale, they disagree about him.
Why was John the Baptist like a penny? Because he was one cent (sent).
Who won the first horse race in the Bible? Herodias' daughter when she got a head of John the Baptist on a charger.
When is a policeman like the good Samaritan? When he comes out of some area (Samaria).
Which are the two smallest things mentioned in the Scripture? The widow's mite, and the wicked flee.
Why is a good wife like the devil? While the husbandman sleepeth, she seweth (soweth) tears (tares).
CHAPTER IV
Historical Conundrums
There has been but one king crowned in England since the conquest. What king was he? James I. He was King of Scotland before he was King of England.
When Louis Philippe was deposed, why did he lose less than any of his subjects? Because, while he lost only a crown, they lost a sovereign.
Why is a portrait of Queen Elizabeth like a wager which is neither lost nor won? Because it is a drawn Bet.
What Egyptian official would a little boy mention if he were to call his mother to the window to see something wonderful? "Mammy, look!" (Mameluke).
What young ladies won the battle of Salamis? The Miss Tocles (Themistocles).
Who was the most wretched of all the murderers of Julius Cæsar? The miserable Cinna (sinner).
What is the difference between the Emperor of Russia and a beggar? One issues manifestoes; the other manifests toes without 'is shoes.
Why is the Emperor of Russia like a greedy schoolboy on Christmas Day? Because he's confounded Hung(a)ry, and longs for Turkey.
Why is chloroform like Mendelssohn? Because it is one of the great composers of modern times.
Why was William Tell like a post? Because they couldn't get a bough out of him.
The name of what character in history would a person mention in asking the servant to put coal on the fire? Philip the Great (fill up the grate).
Why are volunteers like Lord Nelson? Because the last thing he did was to die for his country, and that is about the last thing the volunteers intend doing.
Why did the population of Rome decrease just before the fall of the empire? Because the Romans had ceased to practice husbandry.
When Charles I was beheaded, of what dish did the executioner dine, and where? He took a chop at the King's Head.
Why ought Charles I to have preferred burning to decapitation? Because a hot steak (stake) is always preferable to a cold chop.
Why did the Highlanders do most execution at Waterloo? Because every man had one kilt before the battle began.
Why are the Royal Academicians the greatest swells ever known? Because Solomon, even in all his glory, was not R. A.'d (arrayed) like one of these.
What piece of music did the Romans, at the time of the early Christians, most enjoy? A stab at martyr (A Stabat Mater).
If a nice plump Member of Parliament were eaten uncooked by savages, why would he be like Louis Napoleon? Because he would be served as an M. P. raw (emperor).
Why is the list of celebrated musical composers like a saucepan? Because it is incomplete without a Handel.
When was Napoleon I most shabbily dressed? When out at Elba (elbow).
What was once the most fashionable cap in Paris? The mob—without a crown.
In what respects were the governments of Algiers and Malta as different as light from darkness? The one was governed by deys, the other by knights.
Why is the Delaware River like an inkstand? Because Penn was the first man who entered it.
Why did Marcus Curtius leap into the gulf in Rome? Because he thought it a good opening for a young man.
What were the odds at the battle of Aliwal? They were six (Sikhs) and we (the English) one (won).
What Indian battle tried the metal (mettle) of the English soldiers? The battle of Assay(e).
Who is the first little boy mentioned by a single word in the history of England? Chap. I.
Who was the first postman? Cadmus. He carried letters from Phœnicia to Greece.
Where was Humboldt going when he was thirty-nine years old? Into his fortieth year.
What three letters give the name of a famous Roman general? C P O (Scipio).
Why did Louis Philippe omit to take his umbrella when he left Paris? Just as he left the rain (reign) was over.
Why are the English the worst judges of cattle in the world? Because the Pope sent them a bull and they thought it a bore (boar).
If you wish a very religious man to go to sleep, by what imperial name should you address him? Nap-holy-un (Napoleon).
Why is the palace of the Louvre the cheapest ever erected? Because it was built for one sovereign—and finished for another.
Why is it only natural that the memory of Guy Fawkes should be execrated? Because he was the inventor of parliamentary trains, and they are wretchedly slow.
Show that a simple typographical error was the cause of the defeats of the poor Austrians (1866). They sent for reserves, and got reverses.
Why is a worn-out shoe like ancient Greece? Because it once had a Solon (sole on).
Why should Columbus be classed among astronomers rather than among explorers? Because he [discovered] a whole New World.
What's the difference between a middle-aged cooper and a trooper of the Middle Ages? The one is used to put a head on his cask, the other used to put a cask (casque) on his head.
What fruit is like a Guy Fawkes? A fig, for is it not an F I G (effigy)?
How is it England and Russia conjointly govern the ocean? Because England rules the waves, and Russia the serfs.
What was the difference between Shakespeare and Queen Elizabeth? One was a wonder, the other a Tudor.
What Tory do the Whigs want on their side? Vic-tory.
It went before Queen Mary, it followed King William to the end? The letter "m."
Who caught the fossil fishes? The geological fissures (fishers).
Why was the Shah of Persia, during his visit to England, the best card-player in the world? Because the swells gave up their clubs; workmen threw up their spades, and the ladies were within an ace of losing their hearts, when he came to show his diamonds.
Why was Martin Luther like a dyspeptic robin? The Diet of Wurms did not agree with him.
When was beef-tea introduced into England? When Henry VIII dissolved the Pope's bull.
Why could not Napoleon III insure his life? Because no man living was able to make out his policy.
What is the difference between two celebrated Saxon leaders of the fifth century and two others famous in these days? The former were Engist and Horsa, the latter are engines and horses.
What celebrated battle was fought in a dirty slum? The battle of A-gin-court.
What did Queen Elizabeth take her pills in? In cider (inside her).
What was Joan of Arc made of? Maid of Orleans.
What did they find under the Maine? A horse's neck.
What ought to be Sir Edwin Landseer's motto? Give a dog a good name and—hang him.
Some one mentioning that "columba" was the Latin for a "dove," it gave rise to the following: What is the difference between the Old World and the New? The former was discovered by Columba, who started from Noah; the latter by Columbus, who started from Ge-noa.
What is the difference between Kossuth and a half-starved countryman? One is a native of Hungary, the other is a hungry native.
Who may be said to have had the largest family in America? George Washington, for he was the father of his country.
CHAPTER V
Conundrums of the Civil War Period
Why does our army differ from the army of the Revolution? Because in one case the army is bound to defend Washington, in the other Washington was bound to defend the army.
Why is the Republican Party like a celebrated English ruler of the seventeenth century, "Oliver Cromwell, the Blacksmith"? Because it breaks asunder the chains of despotism and adds a link on (A. Lincoln) to history.
Why is an owl in the daylight like the President of the United States? Because he is a-blinkin' (Abe Lincoln).
Why is one of the new Treasury notes like a young lady's love letter? Because it is the acknowledgment of a loan made (lone maid) to which an unusual amount of interest is attached.
Why is the American Union a puzzle to the most profound astronomers? Because some of its "stars" have gone, and they cannot predict their return.
Why is General McClellan like the Established Church? Because he governs by Can(n)on Law.
Why is a diamond in a cup of cold water like the Union? Because it will not dissolve.
Why are the shot and shell of the blockading squadron like lovers' vows? Because they are intended for privateers (private ears).
Why are American greenbacks like the Jews? Because they are the product of Abraham, and no one knows if they will ever be redeemed.
Upon what guard do the New York Zouaves most desire to be put? Beaure-guard.
Why would the colors of our national ensign make a good dress for ladies? Because they are colors that won't run.
Why are our fashionable ladies like a certain class of the city employees? Because they may be seen by scores on a fair day sweeping the streets.
In what relation does the President of the United States stand to Adam? As second son, because his name is Abe L. (Abel).
Why is it impossible for the government to grant the request of our Southern brethren? Because children in arms are never left alone.
Why, when the rebels smite us upon the right cheek, should we refuse to turn towards them the left cheek also? Because they have too much "cheek" already.
Why is Major General McClellan like Charles Dickens? Because he is the author of "Great Expectations."
Why are Jeff Davis's letters of marque like secrets? Because they are for privateers (private ears).
Why was Cain an enemy of President Lincoln? Because he hated Abe L.
Why is our army like an entry clerk? Because it is ready to charge.
Why is President Lincoln like a mariner on a desolate shore? Because he looks to Seward (seaward).
How does the Copyright Law affect the war? It gives us the right to enter, according to act of Congress, all the rebel States.
Why cannot rebels ever dress well? Because they have proved, by deserting their flag, that they have no eye for colors.
Why was the capture of Fort Hatteras like an English nobleman's mansion? Because there was a Butler engaged in it.
Why will Americans have more cause to remember the letter S than any other letter in the alphabet? Because it is the beginning of secession and the end of Jeff Davis.
Why should it not be loyal for a Union lady to accept a token of regard from a lover at the present time? Because it would be receiving a Beauregard (beau-regard).
Why is the rebellion like the world? Because it is coming to an end.
Why has Massachusetts done more towards the war loan than any other State? Because she has sent even her Banks.
Why are two lovers pledged to each other like the Federal Army before Washington? Because they have lately had an engagement and go in strong for the Union.
Why is a hen looking into a rotten pumpkin like the Southern Confederacy? Because she is trying to see seed (secede).
Why is the city of Washington like a despairing old maid? Because she has looked long and in vain for a Beauregard.
What one sentence expresses the wish of both the Southern Confederacy and the United States government? Let us alone (a loan).
What route should our army take at the present? The rout of the enemy.
Why is a man just knighted like a nutmeg? Because he's grated.
Why are lamps like the Thames? Because they have lighters.
Why is a sedan chair like the world? Because it's between two poles.
What is the most favorable season to have your letters from India? The season which brings the monsoon.
How do you know that the Queen approves of the penny postage? Because she gives her countenance to it.
Why is the old elm on Boston Common like the ladies of Boston? Because they are well hooped.
How long should a lady's crinoline be made? A little over two feet.
Why are ladies who wear large crinolines ugly? Because they are not even passable.
Why are washerwomen unreasonable? They expect soft water when it rains hard.
Why are they the greatest of coquettes? They wring men's ruffled bosoms.
CHAPTER VI
Geographical Conundrums
What would happen if a colored waiter dropped a platter with a turkey upon it? The humiliation of Africa, the fall of Turkey, the destruction of China, and the overflowing of Greece.
What river is that which runs between two seas? The Thames—between Chel-sea and Batter-sea.
When is the river Thames good for the eyes? When it is high (eye) water.
Which are the lightest men—Scotchmen, Irishmen, or Englishmen? In Ireland there are men of Cork; in Scotland men of Ayr; but in England, on the Thames, there are lighter men.
What city of the world do artists make the most drawings of? Cork.
What islands would form a cheerful luncheon party? Friendly, Society, a Sandwich, and Madeira.
Which one of the United States is the largest and most popular? The state of matrimony.
Why is a young man engaged to a young lady like a man sailing for a port in France? Because he is bound to Havre (have her).
How many young ladies does it take to reach from New York to Philadelphia? About one hundred, because a Miss is as good as a mile.
Why is Great Britain like Palestine? Because it's the Holy Land (whole island).
If a man and his wife go to Europe together, what is the difference in their mode of traveling? He goes abroad, and she goes along.
Why are the Germans like quinine and gentian? Because they are two-tonics (Teutonics).
What is the most [difficult] river on which to get a boat? Arno, because there Arno boats there.
Why should we pity the young Esquimaux? Because each one of them is born to blubber,—and ever to be-wail fishing, and walking with his snows frozen.
Why was the country of Phœnicia like an automobile? Because it had a Tyre on its border.
Why is the Empress of the French always in bad company? Because she is ever surrounded by Paris-ites.
What sea would a man like most to be in on a wet day? Adriatic (a dry attic).
How many Spanish noblemen does it take to make an Englishman run? Ten-dons.
What's the difference between an Irishman frozen to death and a Highlander on a mountain-peak in January? One is kilt with the cold, and the other cold with the kilt.
What county of England, if you dislike it extremely, would you run the chance of being stifled in? If you hate Suffolk, you would, very naturally, Suffolk-hate when in it (suffocate).
Two Spaniards went up in a balloon. The balloon burst. What nationality were they while coming down? The one came down a Russian (a-rushing); the other caught on a telegraph wire and came down a Pole.
When is a tradesman at the seaside, though in London? When he comes from Dover to Deal.
How many cows' tails would it take to reach from Boston to New York? One, if it was long enough.
What is more foolish than sending coals to Newcastle? Sending milk to Cowes.
Why is the map of Turkey like a frying-pan? Because it has Greece (grease) at the bottom.
Why is the steeple of St. Paul's Church, London, like Ireland? Because there is a bell fast in it (Belfast).
What part of a bag of grain is like a Russian soldier? A coarse-sack (Cossack).
Why is a drunkard hesitating to sign the pledge like a skeptical Hindoo? Because he is in doubt whether to give up his jug or not (Juggernaut).
Why is a dissipated young man like Berlin, the capital of Germany? Because he is always on a Spree.
What nation is it which, when allied to us, becomes the very home of despair? Tar-tar-us.
Where ought children who bite their fingers to be sent? To gnaw-thumb-erland (Northumberland).
Why is a short man struggling to kiss a tall woman like an Irishman going up Vesuvius? Because, sure, he's trying to get at the mouth of the crater.
What is the greatest miracle ever worked in Ireland? Waking the dead.
Why is a Welshman like a beggar? Owing to the Menai Straits through which he goes.
For what reason ought a Frenchman who speaks imperfect English and an Englishman who is equally unacquainted with French never to converse together? To prevent their using bad language.
Why is Ireland likely to become rich? Because the capital is always Dublin (doubling).
What two letters make a county in Massachusetts? S X (Essex).
Why is the wick of a candle like Athens? It is in the midst of grease (Greece).
Why is China a desirable country for a man to select a wife in? Because he can make up his mind from pickin' to choose Ann (Pekin to Chusan).
What is the difference between the North and South Pole? All the difference in the world.
What part of Spain does your cat, sleeping by herself on the hearth-rug, resemble? Cat-alone-here (Catalonia).
Why is Westminster Abbey like a hearth? Because the ashes of the great (grate) lie there.
Why are corn and potatoes like Chinese idols? Because they have ears which cannot hear, and eyes which cannot see.
Which one of the Seven Wonders of the World are railway engines like? The coal-horses of roads (Colossus of Rhodes).
Why may we doubt the existence of the Giants' Causeway? There are so many sham-rocks in Ireland, this may be one of them.
What is the difference between a certain part of Africa and the shade of Hamlet's father stalking in winter? One is the Gold Coast, the other the cold ghost.
Why is love like the Erie Canal? It's an internal transport.
Why is New York City like a flash light? It has a Battery.
When is a tourist in Ireland like a donkey? When he is going to Bray.
Why is a nabob like a beggar? He is an India gent (indigent).
Why is wit like a Chinese lady's foot? Because brevity is the sole (soul) of it.
What is a man like who is in the middle of the Thames and can't swim? Like to be drowned.
Why is the Hudson River like a shoe? Because it is a great place for tows (toes).
Why is a pleasure trip to Egypt fit only for very old gentlemen? Because it is a see-Nile (senile) thing to do.
What soap is hardest? Cast-steel (Castile).
Why is the Bank of England like a thrush? Because it often changes its notes.
Why is Canada like courtship? Because it borders on the United States.
Who were the original bog-trotters? The Fen-ians.
Why is a ship in a stream like a nail? Because it is often driven into Deal.
Why is Paris like the letter F? Because it is the capital of France.
Why is the Brooklyn Bridge like merit? Because it is very often passed over.
Why do so many people in China travel on foot? Because there is but one coach in China (Cochin China).
CHAPTER VII
Literary Conundrums
What American poet may be considered equal to three-fifths of the poets ancient and modern? Poe.
The names of which two Greek poems will you mention on alluding to their author's peculiar manner and indisposition? Homer's Odd-I-see and Ill-I-add.
Why is an unskillful physician like Peleus' son, Achilles? Because both have "sent many souls to Hades ere their time."
What injury did the Lavinia of Thomson's "Seasons" do to young Palemon? She pulled his ears and trod on his corns.
If a tough beefsteak could speak, what English poet would it mention? Chaw-sir (Chaucer).
Was it John Byrom who, in comparing two celebrated musicians, said one was Tweedledum, the other only Tweedledee? If so, state which of these two names was the more difficult to write. Tweedledum, because he wrote the other with more e's (ease).
Why was it a mistake to imagine that Robinson Crusoe's island was uninhabited? Because the very first thing he saw upon landing was a great swell a pitchin' into a little "cove" on the shore.
What prescription is the best for a poet? A composing draught.
Why is an author the most wonderful man in the world? Because his tale (tail) comes out of his head.
Why was Bulwer more likely to get tired of novel-writing than Warren? Because Bulwer wrote "Night and Morning," Warren only "Now and Then."
What author would eye-glasses and spectacles mention to the world if they could only speak? Eusebius (you see by us).
Why is a wax candle like Dickens' last work? Because it's a cereal (serial) work.
When is a slug like a poem of Tennyson's? When it's in a garden ("Enoch Arden").
How do we know Lord Byron was good-tempered? Because he always kept his choler (collar) down.
How can you instantly convict one of error when stating who was the earliest poet? By mentioning one Prior.
What was the most melancholy fact in the history of Milton? That he could "recite" his poems, but not re-sight himself.
Why do we speak of poetic fire? Because if the ancient Scandinavians had their "Skalds," we have also had our Burns.
What English poet does a mummy resemble? Dryden (dried-'un).
What lady of the Dante family is most often spoken of? Ann-dante.
Why are baldheaded men in danger of dying? Because "Death loves a shining mark."
What poem of Hood's resembles a tremendous Roman nose? "The Bridge of Sighs" (the bridge of size).
Why was Dickens a greater writer than Shakespeare? Shakespeare wrote well, but Dickens wrote Weller.
What proof have we that Cowper was in debt? He "oh'd for a lodge in some vast wilderness."
Why should the poet have expected the woodman to "spare that tree?" Because he thought he was a good feller (fellow).
Why are the relics of the departed like a man whose pocket has been robbed and the thief escaped? Because they have both felt "the touch of a vanished hand."
When is a pie like a poet? When it's Browning.
What best describes and most impedes a Pilgrim's Progress? Bunyan (bunion).
Why are Addison's works like a looking-glass? Because in them we see the "Spectator."
Was Othello thinking of his wife when he killed her? No, 's mother.
What toe would you rather kiss than the Pope's? Mrs. Beecher S-towe.
Who was the first whistler, and what tune did he whistle? The wind,—"Over the Hills and Far Away."
Who wrote most, Dickens or Bulwer? Dickens. He wrote "All the Year Round," while Bulwer wrote "Night and Morning."
What countryman was Burns? A Scorchman.
What change of identity did the "Beggar's Opera" effect? It made Gay rich, and Rich gay.
When was the greatest destruction of poultry? When King Claudius of Denmark "did murder most foul."
Why are the abbreviations of degrees tacked on to a man's name? To show that he is a man of letters.
"Why," asked Moore, the poet, "is love like a potato?" Because it shoots from the eyes, "and," added Byron, "gets less by pairing."
If Falstaff had been musical what instrument would he have chosen after dinner? The sackbut.
Why is it almost certain that Shakespeare was a broker? Because no man has furnished so many stock quotations.
Why is a statistician like a writer of one of the Six Best Sellers? Because he is the author of well-figured fiction.
Why are Parliamentary reports called "Blue Books?" Because they are never re(a)d.
Why is an architect like a newspaper writer? Because he gets so much "per column" for his work.
Why was Blackstone like an Irish vegetable? Because he was a common tatur (commentator).
Is there any bird which can recite the "Lays of Ancient Rome?" Yes, certainly, Macaw-lays.
Why cannot the Irish perform the play of "Hamlet?" Because they cannot help making "Aphalia" (a failure) of the heroine.
What was Othello's occupation in Venice? That of a lawyer, because he was attorney-general (a tawny general).
If you took off your boot and put your foot in the fire, what opera of Verdi's would it instantly make you? Rigoletto (wriggle-a-toe).
Why are unsuccessful contestants for a prize like Shakespeare? Because they have made "Much Ado About Nothing."
What is the difference between living "in marble halls" and aboard ship? In the former you have "vassals and serfs at your side," and in the latter you have vessels and surfs at your side.
Why is it quite reasonable that Dickens' later plots should be complicated? Because one of his earlier works was all of a twist (Oliver Twist).
Why have the inhabitants of the city of Boston less need of foreign bards than those of any other city? Because they can always find poetry in their own "Holmes."
Why is a competent lawyer like a bloodstone set in jet? Because he is deep read (red) in Blackstone.