369.
To his Stepmother.
Bentinck Street, 21st March, 1779.
Dear Madam,
If your former letters made me uneasy, your last note, which I received yesterday after the hour of the post, made me quite unhappy for many reasons; but most of all because I found that you were so yourself. The delay in my answer which has given you so much pain, was not occasioned by any avocations of business, for there could be no business which interested me half so much; nor by any carelessness or forgetfulness, for I can say with truth that there has not been any hour in the day and very few in the night in which the idea was not uppermost in my mind. Much less did it arise from any degree of resentment at any part of your behaviour. I had expressed myself with some warmth, I wrote from my feelings, and I was apprehensive of some alteration in your sentiments towards me. Had I been cold and indifferent myself, I should probably have been more cautious and respectful.
Yet unless I totally forget the language of my letter, I did not, I could not, disapprove of your consulting your own happiness, and of calling on me after so long a respite to fulfil some part of the most equitable obligation. The cause of my delay was a strong, an unjustifiable repugnance to write on a subject so foreign to our ordinary conversations. I dreaded and I delayed too long so painful an effort. As I am now sensible how uneasy that delay has made you, I have taken the shortest method of sending, that of the coach. Forgive this seeming inattention, and believe me when I say that the affectionate regard, the tender solicitude which you express, have made an essential part of the happiness, and will always contribute to the consolation of my life.
I find that I must have stated rather too strongly the difficulties of my situation so as to alarm and terrify you, both on your account and on my own. I will endeavour to represent them more clearly. I have never been extravagant; nor have I made as yet any considerable addition to the load of debt contracted by my father: but I have not been able to discharge it. The unhappy accidents which retarded the sale of Lenborough, have been attended, from the general hardships of the times, with the most fatal consequences, as land cannot at present be sold even on the most disadvantageous terms. In the course of seven or eight years interest has been much higher than rent, my Expences (notwithstanding the supply of some hundred pounds from my book) have inevitably exceeded my income.
HIS PLANS OF ECONOMY.
You are sensible from your own experience that any plan of economy must be regulated by place and circumstances. As long as I am in London and in Parliament, a house in Bentinck Street, a coach, such a proportion of servants, clothes, living, &c., are almost necessaries. But they are only necessaries in that situation, and I am not ignorant that a prudent man should adapt his arrangements to his fortune. Other countries of a less expensive cost, France, Switzerland, or perhaps Scotland, may afford an humble Philosophical retreat to a man of letters, nor should I suffer any accidental change of fortune, any fall in the World to affect my spirits or ruffle my tranquility. I have more than once balanced in my own mind the propriety, or indeed the necessity of such a resolution. The reason which induces me to suspend such an important and decisive measure arises from a hope which I could only insinuate and which I can at present only imperfectly explain. I can only mention that I am particularly connected with the present Attorney General, that he solicited my friendship, and offered me his services; and that if some arrangement should take place which would raise him to a much higher station, I may depend on a seat at one of the boards with an additional income of £1000 a year, which would remove every difficulty and supply every want. Without building on a doubtful foundation, inclination and even prudence recommend that I should wait some time for the event of this hope: and my only request is that you would on your side suspend any resolution of leaving Bath for some months, perhaps for a year. The difference of the expence in a year would not exceed £100, which you may command whenever (with a few days' notice) you will draw upon me.
If my expectations should deceive me (and I am never sanguine) my party is taken. I feel with gratitude and confusion your kind offer of retiring for my sake: but independent of every other consideration, it is far more proper that the unpleasant circumstances of such a removal should fall on the person who has health and youth and spirits to support them. With regard to any further security, I should have imagined that in the ordinary course of credit, my Bond was a very good security to the amount of the sum: but I am ready to consent to any act which you may consider as conducive to your interest or happiness.—I much fear that the agitation of mind may have injured your health before its perfect recovery from your late accident, and if a single word which I have written has tended to produce that effect, I shall not easily forgive myself. Though I cannot bear the thought of your quitting Bath against your inclinations, I should imagine that in the summer months, the air of the country would be beneficial to you. Whether you choose Port Eliot, Sheffield, Essex or any other place, I will, if my company can be any pleasure or relief to you, lay aside every other occupation to accompany you.
I am, Dear Madam,
Most truly and affectionately yours,
E. Gibbon.