A Defense of the Wealthy
Contrary to a generally held opinion, there are some wealthy people who may be successfully defended. There are not so many of them, however, that any serious disturbance need be created. There is, perhaps, some danger that these may be overlooked in the universal damnation that is being handed out to the malefactors of great wealth.
The first exception to be noted is that of the inventor. Quite a few of these men have lightened our tasks to a very considerable extent. They have in a few cases amassed a competence by taxing us for their inventions for seventeen years. After that their work is free for all, at least in theory. A great many of these men have had no benefit from their inventions and might well be pensioned from public funds. In not a few cases the profits that should have gone to them have been filched by men who had money to lend. Such cases should be overhauled and the ill-gotten gains of the banker folks restored to their proper owners. It would be well also to give the bankers the spanking they need, thus making one job of the whole business.
When we think that Whitney, who invented the cotton gin; Steinmetz, the electrical wizard; Pupin, who perfected the telephone; Edison, Gray, Acheson, Morse, McCormick and thousands of others, some as well, others less well known belong to this class, we realize how greatly we are indebted to them, and how cheaply we get off by allowing them to profit by their inventions for seventeen short years.
Then there are some school teachers and college professors who might be excepted and a few ministers. Some of these fellows married money, and we will not except these; some of them inherited money, and we will not except these; a few of them stole money, and these must be spanked. After these exceptions have been made there will be a few left and they have lived such a deuce of a life that we will let them go.
There does not seem to be any great harm in the man who saved in order that he might keep out of the almshouse when he grew too old to work. We should not tax these people, either, if they have only moderate means. Our wise legislators, however, do not seem to think so. Many cases of this kind have been heard of during and since the late unpleasantness where the poor souls had a hard time keeping body and spirit together after the tax collector was through with them.
All farmers who have made money should be let off, provided they made money by real farming and not by selling fancy cattle, poultry, etc., at startling prices. Real farming is a man’s job, and those who succeed at it deserve to be patted on the back. The fellows who sell the blooded stock belong in about the same class as the bond salesman—we will come to these later on.
The married couples who bring up and properly educate, say four or more children, are also deserving. If their children are grateful so much the better; if they chip in and support their father and mother—fine! In the last case we might safely except everybody concerned.
Of course we must except the lame, the halt and the blind; and perhaps a few others have been unintentionally skipped, but there seem to be few others. Now we come to those who need punishment of some kind.
First among these are the office-holders. There are a few among them who really earn all they get—but not many. Office holding ought to be made a dangerous business, and running for the Presidency punished with death.
Bankers ought to be periodically inspected and made to give an account of themselves, so should lawyers, and real-estate agents. The doctors, some of them, need watching. They are a frightfully jealous lot and outside testimony only, can be relied on. If a good one is found he should be patted on the back. There are a lot of these but most of them live in the country where the air is good. Those who live in the city and have hospitals where they charge $100.00 for opening a pimple and $25.00 for giving you four ounces of ether should be heavily docked and then fined.
There are far too many wholesale and retail merchants and too few farmers. We might well cut out half of the merchants for a start and make them move out on farms where they could be really useful. If they commit suicide instead of farming, so much the better. There are also too many book agents and bond salesmen and brokers and clerks in stores. Too many newspapers are published and too much paper wasted in doing it. This needs regulating. The best way to do it is to tax these things and let the farmers alone for the present, until they have $5.00 ahead.
And the fellows who are loafing around waiting for a bonus should be put to a painless death. They will never be of any real use. The labor agitators and strike leaders are in the way, too.
Anybody who spends his time loafing or playing golf should be stopped, questioned and put to work. If he refuses he should be shipped off to an island set apart for the purpose where he must work or starve.
All such wealthy ones should be treated as indicated and some of those not wealthy but who belong to the same classes need much the same treatment.
While we are about it we may perhaps just as well do a little more regulating. The Germans, for example, have too many children and the French too few. We should take warning and govern ourselves accordingly. Of course some people claim that these things are regulated by Providence but it seems probable that there are other forces at work. Four children to a family seems to be about right and it is suggested that a committee, all the members of which have done their full duty and are from Missouri, be appointed to see that there are no slackers. This is a species of wealth that needs regulating as well as other kinds.
The old maids and old bachelors should be heavily taxed unless they can satisfy a Missouri committee that they have made determined efforts to commit matrimony. In that case they should have assistance.
All would-be voters should be carefully examined before it is allowed and the recall and repeal should be in order. Every voter should be able to spell his or her name, tell what rivers run through and by Easton, where the Atlantic is situated and what Sing Sing is noted for. After all are educated up to this point, the tests should gradually be toughened until only those really fit can vote. They should be made to vote every time. Gradually, in this way, every man can learn how to milk cows, husk corn, run a plow and chase the pigs out of the oats. The women will be able to darn stockings, bake bread, sew shirts and run a bridge party.
By the time these ideas are put to work the millennium will be close at hand and we need no longer flee from the tax gatherer or hide from the bond salesman.