Bomb the First
Sam and Tilly loved the movies. They formed a background of romance to their prosaic lives. They read, eagerly, all they could find in print about the stars of moviedom and were well acquainted with the features of the prominent actors. Twice a week they attended, rain or shine. As this involved long walks in bad weather they had, with the dawn of prosperity, invested in a Ford.
It was a windy night in October. There was a threat of rain in the air as the sullen clouds drifted past over the moon. As they returned to the car, which had been left in a side street, a tiny muffled wail greeted them: “Gracious! it’s a cat,” said Tilly. “Good Lord! it’s a baby!” It was wrapped in an old, frayed, woolen blanket. They took it home—what else could they do?—and Tilly unwrapped it in her warm room. It was clean and warm and dry, and its clothing, though of the plainest material and somewhat worn, was also clean. Tilly declared it was a darling. She sent Sam for a bottle and some of the best milk, fed the child and covered her warmly in a large arm chair which was pushed against the bed so that she might hear the little one move in the night. Tilly declared the little girl had aristocratic features. She fell violently in love with her and declared she would not give her up. Sam smiled and agreed. He seldom opposed Tilly, though he felt somewhat doubtful of the propriety of keeping the baby. The little one grew apace. She soon became the central sun of the household about which Sam and Tilly revolved—two obedient satellites.
The household duties soon became too great for Tilly, and Elizabeth Tillicum was sent for. Elizabeth was a New Jersey product, redolent of the hills that border the Delaware. Her hair was sandy—the color of New Jersey sand. Her eyes were blue—the color of the blue water of the Atlantic which rolls over the New Jersey sand beaches, though this water is often green; and her freckles were—just plain brown freckles. I am not saying Elizabeth was beautiful—she was not. She agreed with everyone; she was quite unable to contradict; indeed her acquiescence was almost slavish. In size she was opulent. It seemed doubtful when she sat down whether some portion of her anatomy might not spill over on the floor but this never actually happened. With all her disposition to conciliate she persisted in moving slowly, and all the alleged work that she performed was performed at a uniform slow speed. Some critics averred that she did not work—she lolloped. They said that when she did do work it was so poorly done that it must first be undone and then done over again. However this may be, Elizabeth steadfastly, slowly and pleasantly pushed her way through the world. But she was not a bomb, she was not even a torpedo.
Very few people can be reformed by preaching at them, object lessons are more effective. Her own carelessness was well known to Tilly and made her secretly admire Sam’s precision and half despise Elizabeth’s sloppy work. The coming of the baby brought a change. Tilly read up on the care of babies in a volume entitled “The Feeding and Care of Children.” This learned work explained the overwhelming importance of cleanliness. It detailed the various minute bugs which lurk in the air, water and soil ready to seize and carry off the unsuspecting child. From a heedless maiden, Tilly was rapidly transformed into the veriest martinet, watching for the least speck of impurity to pounce upon and destroy it. Everything the baby ate was sterilized, and the bottles, spoons and plates scalded assiduously. Toward this campaign of cleanliness the baby herself manifested a cynical indifference. She threw the bottle on the floor. She drew her spoon through her hair, and after crawling through all the dirt attainable, rubbed her grimy hands over her half-cleared plate and then thrust the chubby paws down her throat. Such behaviour was anathema maranatha and filled Tilly with despair.
Sam was at first far from being charmed by the dirt and disorder which the child insisted upon, but she soon vanquished him. Her velvet skin, lovely color and wide open smile would have melted a stone, and Sam soon became her slave. In return she manifested an ardent preference for his society; crowed when he came home, howled when he left, insisted on sitting in his lap, thrust her fingers into his eyes, nose and ears, pulled his hair and showed not the slightest regard for his privacy or the ordinary courtesies of life. Sam was reformed in spite of himself. For the sake of peace he put up with rumpled hair, moist and slimy kisses and greasy fingerprints on his coat. Such is the mollifying discipline babies hand around in humanizing their elders.
The naming of the baby had been a dreadful ordeal, and nearly ended in a rupture between Sam and Tilly.
“We do not know her name,” said Sam, “so we had better give her one which is merely descriptive; then when her real name is divulged there will be less temptation to ignore it. I propose to call her Monday October Jones until we discover her real name. This is descriptive of the day of the week and the month she came to us.”
“She shall have no such barbarous name,” said Tilly. “You may as well call her Man Friday at once. I will not have any such name. She is going to have a pretty name. Monday October Jones: the idea! I shall call her Arma:
Arma virumque cano
Trojae qui primus ab oris
Don’t you remember that pretty verse Jimmy Case sings?”
Tilly’s words had an air of finality. She had been a bit uncertain herself until Sam put in an oar. There was another rhyme which sang through her consciousness making her undecided. It was:
Gaudeamus igitur
Juvenes dum sumus
that she had heard the college boys sing. But on the whole she inclined toward Arma, for Gaudeamus did not sound like a female. So the baby was named Arma Virumque Jones.
Arma was a romantic little soul. She thirsted for the unusual and wonderful. As she grew to girlhood she invested those dear to her with imaginary virtues. Tilly was a lovely and stately lady and Sam the personification of all that was noble and good. She was a beautiful girl, with curly brown hair and a clean mind. With her twelfth birthday began her affairs of the heart. Her first flame was a beautiful Italian boy who dwelt in an old house in the alley. This flame was quenched when she encountered him after he had consumed a larger ration of garlic than was usual. The next conflagration was started by the grocer’s boy, but this was quenched when she overheard him swear. This was followed by a passion for a young and rather dull divine who never dreamed of his conquest, so that it died of inanition.