Courtship and Marriage
The way courtships are conducted is that the suitor in the first place always endeavors to induce the girl to run away with him. He has two objects in this. First, it shows her great regard for him and flatters his vanity that she leaves her parents and departs to another band, with and under his protection. Next, having the girl in his possession obviates the possibility of a refusal, and also he can afterwards pay his own price for her instead of that demanded by her relatives. To accomplish this they paint, dress, and adorn themselves extravagantly, and are always on the watch to catch the woman outside or away from the view of her parents. He dogs her steps so closely that opportunities must present themselves when he can recite to her his tale of love. Of course this consists of the usual promises and flatteries used by all men for like purposes which often prove successful. Should he obtain her consent to depart with him they will agree upon a place of rendezvous and signal, which he repeats to her in the night with his flute from outside the lodge at the appointed time to meet him, and they leave, traveling night and day until they arrive at another camp. Here they stay with some distant relative or friend three or four weeks and return as man and wife, when he looks around for some means to satisfy the parents. Or it sometimes happens that having become tired of her in the meantime he throws her on their hands and proceeds to seduce another. The young Indians are great profligates and boast of their success in this way.
If, however, by all their efforts they can not succeed in this they then marry. When this is decided upon no courtship is necessary. The suitor sends a horse by the hands of some respectable old man who ties the animal to the door of the lodge where her parents reside and, entering, presents a pan of cooked meat to the girl who is desired as a wife. Consent is asked and obtained or refused through the medium of this man. The nearest of kin are always asked (the girl’s father and mother); if she have neither then the eldest brother, or uncle, etc. If the parents refuse, both the victuals and horse are sent back and negotiation ends. But if the suitor be determined to have her he will try again, sending two or three horses, guns, kettles, and all he can raise, until objection on that score is overruled and she becomes his property by going to his lodge at dark and remaining there. When the right price is paid the offer is seldom rejected, though refusals are given on other grounds, such as old family feuds, or inability on the part of the applicant as a hunter or warrior. There is no tradition of the institution of marriage. It is a bargain and looked upon in this light by both parties, not merely a contract of sale, but one of amity, friendship, and mutual support of all related and concerned. Courtships and presents are only resorted to when the possession of the girl is aimed at without the consent of the parents. Otherwise the consent of the girl is not necessary, she being obliged to obey the wishes of her parents.
Neither the priests nor doctors nor any one else is consulted on these occasions, except the nearest relatives, and the negotiator is some man of standing or relation of the applicant. There is no parade or ceremony on the occasion nor are any gifts made by the mother-in-law to her daughter. On the contrary the son-in-law is regarded as their property. All he has and does is for years to the advantage of his wife’s parents. The most of the meat and skins killed by him are carried to her parents by her until she has a child and her husband commences working for himself. The foregoing is the marriage of a young man with a young woman. The son-in-law, as has been stated, never enters the lodge of his wife’s parents. Even in a casual passing when they meet elsewhere he is obliged to hide his face by drawing his robe over it, being as they say “abashed by them” or abashed to name or speak to them.
The men usually marry between the ages of 20 and 25 years and the women are given away from the age of 12 years upward. We are acquainted with but two instances of men of middle age among them who have never been married. The young of both sexes are extravagantly addicted to dress, particularly the beaus, who dress, paint, feather, and adorn themselves in every way imaginable, especially about the head, and are the most consummately vain fops in existence.
Widowers and widows remarry, the former in about one year after the loss of their wife and the latter from one to two and three years after the death of their husbands, in proportion as they are grieved for their loss. After a woman has had children her chances for a young husband are few, but middle-aged men do not consider this any objection if she in other respects is able to work and has a reputation for industry. The most advantageous time for a man to purchase a wife is on his return from a successful war excursion with the horses of his enemies in his possession. The manner in which his means to purchase have been procured gives him additional favor both with the girl as a brave man and with the girl’s parents as one who can at any time repair their losses in horses if it be necessary. After marriage the brothers-in-law on both sides become friendly, associate, make feasts, and exchange gifts, aiding each other on all occasions. No quarrels take place among them, nor indeed among any near relations. The whole forms a posse, a body, a support in times of trial, need and danger.
The right of divorce lies altogether with the husband. If a man has children by his wife he seldom puts her away even for adultery, the greatest offense. He will punish, but retain her on that account. Should they separate, all the larger children—that is, those who required no nurse and were able to take care of themselves—would remain with the man and the smaller ones depart with the woman. When the women have no children they are turned off without any scruple for much less offenses, or from jealousy by young husbands. Elder Indians require the labor of their women; therefore seldom willingly discharge them. Should he choose to do so, however, no one has a right to object, nor is any other consent asked; they are his property and he can do as he pleases with them. Occasionally they part from them a year or so and take them back afterwards. No property is given to the woman in the event of a separation.