XXIX
And as I listened, I knew that all was over, and that her words were my doom: for I understood that she was stronger far than I, and in a position absolutely impregnable by any efforts I might make. And I stood gazing at her silently with a tumult in my soul that could find no utterance in words. And I said at last, in a very low voice: Is thy decision irrevocable, and am I really never to see thee any more? And she said: Even this time is more than I had allowed thee, and I am afraid for thee. Aye! I fear that thy life is the forfeit thou wilt pay. Yet blame not me for anything that may occur. For Narasinha would have slain thee already, as he is furiously jealous of anything that comes near me in the form of a man, had I not myself expressly interfered in thy behalf, making him swear to overlook thy former trespass on a ground that he considers as his own. But he will not listen to me now. And to-morrow, as soon as he discovers what has taken place to-night, for I cannot hide it, he will take measures to prevent thy ever coming back, very likely such as thou thyself hinted at, of me, a little while ago. Thou art looking at me now for the very last time; and remember, I told thee myself, I will take no blame, if thy temerity turns out to have cost thee dear. Farewell, and if thou canst, forget me, and go away to a great distance, without the loss of a single moment. For in a very little while, thou mayst find, there will not even be the chance, and it will be too late.
And instead of going, I stood, rooted to the spot like a tree, gazing at her thirstily, in a stupor of despair, and saying to myself: What! can it really be possible that I am actually looking at her now, as she says, for the very last time in my life, doomed to go here, or there, in the world, without ever seeing her again, knowing all the while that she is, still, somewhere to be seen, and actually being seen, only not by me? Out upon such horror, for it would be less, even if she were dead! And she, so kind, so gentle, how in the world can she stand there, bidding me with a wave of her hand, in that low sweet voice of hers, to go away to a great distance, to save my life, knowing well, for she is very clever, that she is taking it away, by banishing me for ever? And am I just to be thrown away at the bidding of Narasinha?
And at the thought, all at once I began to laugh with sheer rage. And I said to myself: What! must I turn my back on heaven, and go meekly down to hell, at the order of Narasinha? Would she banish me at all, but for Narasinha? Who in the world is Narasinha? Is Narasinha my master? Is he even her master, for as it seems, she is rather his? Are these his orders, or her own? Ha! now, I wonder. What if after all this Narasinha were only a man of straw, doing exactly as he is told, and acting as her agent and her instrument, for the sake of what she gives him? Is it likely, after all, that he orders, and she obeys? And am I being fooled, and handed over by herself to banishment, or even death, behind the screen of Narasinha?
And I looked at her as she stood, patiently waiting for me to go, with a soul torn to pieces by rage, and suspicion, and love-longing, and flat refusal to go away. And suddenly there came into my recollection Haridása, saying as he stood outside the door: Nectar when she turns towards thee: poison when she turns away. And I said to myself: So now, she turns away. And can she possibly not know, what becomes of all her lovers?
And I went up to her, all at once, and took her by her two hands, and looked straight into her eyes. And I said: Táráwalí, thou choosest thy servants well. I know the use of Chaturiká. And now dimly I begin to see the use of Narasinha. Does he never tell thee where he throws the bodies of thy old lovers, when thou hast finished with their souls?
And then, strange! her eyes wavered, as if unable to meet my own. And like a flash of lightning, I understood. And I exclaimed: Ha! have I found at last the question that thou canst not answer, and laid my finger on the flaw in thy consummate skill? So then, this was all but a comedy that thou wert playing, to shift the blame from thy own shoulders and turn me over to extinction at the hands of Narasinha? Ah! thou art thy own mistress, and not one to obey. But ah! thou lovely lady that hast no pity for thy poisoned lovers, it is not the lover this time that shall die. And thou shalt meet thy master for the first time in thy life.
And I looked at her for a single instant in a frenzy of fierce hatred that suddenly blazed up from the ashes of my dead devotion, lying scorned and cheated and betrayed by the idol it adored. And I seized her in the grip of death, and tore from my arm the lute-string that was wound about my wrist. And I said: Dear, I never gave thee thy music-lesson: but now I will give thee a very long one on a single string. And in an instant, I twisted it about her neck, and drew it tight, holding her still as she struggled, in an ecstasy of giant strength. And so I stood, trembling all over, for a very long time. And at last, I felt that she lay in my arms like a dead weight, hanging as it were against her will in the terrible embrace of a lover that loved with hatred instead of love.
And I laid her down very gently, turning carefully away, that I might not see her face. And I went away very quickly, and all at once, as I went, I fell down and began to sob, as if my heart would break. And at last, after a long while, I got up, and stood, thinking, and looking back under the trees. And I crept back on tiptoe, and looked and saw her at a distance, lying in the moonlight, very still, like the tomb of my own heart. And then I turned sharp round, and went away for good and all, without a soul. And I said to myself in agony: Now I have made the whole world empty with my own hand, and it was myself that I have killed, as well as her. And now I will go after her as soon as I possibly can. But there is one thing still to do, before I go, for I have to give another lesson to Narasinha. Only this time I will not use a lute-string, but crush out his soul with my bare hands.
Ha! Narasinha, I have told thee, and thou knowest all. And now thou hast only to count the hours that are left to thee, for I am coming very soon.